Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Another with AyeAmarok. Your drive is low for a reason. This is normal. Breastfeeding, exhaustion, all these things reduce your drive temporarily. This isn't a normal part of your relationship. This is a survival part.

No one should ever have sex when they don't want it, and yes that includes someone else using your body in any way

His behaviour is idiotic. He's doing the one thing that guarantees when you are in the mood, you won't be interested in him.

Counselling sounds like a possibility. If he's not hearing what you're saying, which is very sad, then maybe it will help.

It's disheartening to read how many people put up with this behaviour when they have small babies. It's not normal (and I very much mean him and not you).

If there was a period of his life when his libido dropped for a reason, would you badger him? or would you be supportive and take your lead from what he wanted for a while? You deserve the same respect as you would give him.

Threatening an affair is utterly disgusting behaviour. Does he think threatening you into sex is not a crime?

This stage doesn't last forever. He has a functioning hand, I assume. You are not there for his use.

I really hope you manage to work through this, because I would feel utterly betrayed if dh behaved like this.

I think counselling must happen ASAP. Something must break the cycle or I think things are doomed. His attitude is wrong but, so is not having sex for 3 weeks in a relationship

Is everyone missing the fact they have a baby?

Sex is a really important part of my relationship, but when there are small babies involved, all bets are off.

Three weeks is a long time, a :( baby is a huge physical demand, neither of you is in the right but neither of you is wrong I would definitely go to therapy so he at least sees you are trying and hopefully he can see how his behaviour isn't helping. If you're not having good, connecting, enjoyable sex you just running a great creche don't let that become your marriage.

Are so many women really having sex they don't want because their partner keeps pestering them until they give in?

How utterly depressing this thread is.

I'm going to hope that those commenting have never had to deal with a man who demands sex and sulks if he doesn't get it, so are not able to empathise with the situation.

I imagine that if he was just being nice and supportive, there's no way three weeks would have passed with no sex.

Thank you for the replies.

I can't even cuddle him without him making a lewd suggestion because he is frustrated. Not attractive. It can never be just a cuddle as he will get disappointed (read sulky) when I reject his inevitable advances to progress.

Three weeks is not a long time when you include one of you having the flu, poorly children, periods returning and actually needing to be in the same location at the same time.

Brightling, I can't imagine a bigger turn off.

I think our longest dry spell was because dh suffered a bereavement. Going by some of the comments here, he should have thought of England and got on with it. Funnily enough though, I didn't pester him. Or does that count as a "valid reason" not to have sex?

With Aye and hesterton on this. I think the OP has more than one small child as she talks about "multiple" pregnancies. Her husband's totally insensitive and boorish behaviour is just appalling! And as for people who think 3 weeks is a long time without sex and imply that her DH is entitled to feel hard done by.......! Really??!
Anyone with maturity and sensitivity would NOT be pressurising and badgering the OP in this way. Really, deeply unpleasant behaviour.

I can't even cuddle him without him making a lewd suggestion because he is frustrated. Not attractive. It can never be just a cuddle as he will get disappointed (read sulky) when I reject his inevitable advances to progress.

I felt exactly the same. Every gesture made me suspicious and uncomfortable (even when, on the rare occasions, there was nothing more to it) and made the problem worse.

Total vicious circle. But if you go to counselling he has to listen to. We only got through it because my dh listened too.

I'm in a similar position to your husband I guess apart from 3 years further on. We've had sex 4 times I think in the last year (and none at all for the 3 years before then). So I'd be delighted for once every 3 weeks!

He does sound like he's being an idiot. With that young a baby I didn't expect my DW to be up for anything at all. And I don't want any form of sex if she doesn't feel like it. I can't see how that is in any way fun and reduces the partner to being a sex toy.

But I miss sex and intimacy. We were never exactly bouncing off the rafters but it is incredibly frustrating to barely have anything now. How exactly do you raise it without sounding whiny and putting the pressure on? When I've explained to my DW that I'm finding it hard she thinks I'm giving her an ultimatum. I'm not, but at the same time I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy about the situation. I've come to the conclusion that sometimes life sucks and there are no easy way outs. My options are either to leave or live with it. I don't want to leave (we get on well, love each other, agree on how we raise the kids, contribute equally etc etc) so that's that really. I certainly don't want her to do anything out of 'duty'. Can't deny that it doesn't hurt though.

(NC btw)

Of course he should lay off his selfish demands while you are recovering from the childbirth and it's aftermath.
But longer term I don't understand how a relationship can succeed when one partner really wants/needs sex and the other doesn't. It certainly wouldn't work for me.
If you can't resolve that one by mutual discussion or counselling then you may be faced with finding more compatible partners.

"maybe you could wank him while he feels your breasts? Have him use a condom so no mess but he has your hand making him cum? Maybe let him wank and come on your tummy? Maybe kiss him and let him touch and feel you nude while he wanks himself and cums on his tummy?

...he can ejaculate and gain some satisfaction yet you are retaining your dignity and self respect"

'Might just be me, but nothing about the above scenarios sounds dignified or respectful.'

Why not? My partner and I often do this without children! Sometimes we're tired or short of time, or one of us is more interested than the other but we're willing to play and stroke. We have penetrative sex as well, but it's not every time. And sometimes it can lead to penetrative sex when we decide that actually, now we're so far, that is what we want.

If the thought of touching or being touched by a partner is abhorrent then this wouldn't be a good idea, but if it's 'well, I'm not in the mood for sex, but I am generally in a good mood and I'm happy for you to have fun for my minimal and non-invasive involvement', then why not?

With you having a 10 month old he's being a bit unreasonable.

He's not unreasonable for wanting sex and for being unhappy with not having it - he's human. With the best will in the world everyone's going to sulk sometimes but raising his voice and telling you that you have a problem is unreasonable.

However I think you seeing anything good he does as a bad thing and him only doing things to get sex isn't good either. He's in a position where he literally can't win now.

Grown ups don't sulk

I don't think I've ever seen dh sulk. I wouldn't want to be with a man who did, I'd find it distinctly unattractive.

Sex is a hugely important part of my relationship. So I would treat it as important and talk through any issues, like a grown up. I wouldn't stamp my foot.

Yes, but david8341 - he has put himself in that position (can't win either way ) by his sulking and the way he is flinging accusations about "you need a therapist "!
Who wants to have sex with that! !

I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body.

Yet this is the very body he desires to have sex with. What does it tell you about him, that he is blind or so full of lust he would root a dog given half the chance? What does your attitude to your own body tell you about yourself?

This pervasive 'body unhappiness' is something that cripples womens sexualities terribly. Bluntly if men had as collectively low opinions of their penises as women do about their breasts we would need a second planet exclusively making Viagra 24/7.

I suspect you have disconnected from him desiring 'you in your body' into him just desiring 'sex', because after all how could a person who feels their body has become sexually undesirable ever feel that any desire for it has legitimate worth?

I'm trying to translate that post as anything other, "you should like your body because your husband wants to have sex with it" and failing.

Lots of men have penis issues. There isn't a comparable change that men go through that completely changes your body. I think it's worth remembering that it can take a bit of time to accept any changes.

Being pestered for sex is funnily enough not a good way of boosting your self esteem. It can damage it. Since you're not being respected or seen as a complete human.

I hope that counselling can help you op.

This thread makes me very grateful for my dh.

Dad you have a valid point and I take that on board. Can you explain that whilst I am on my period that there is never any affection at all? No hand holding, cuddles etc. My perception of that is to think that he doesn't see the point in it as there isn't any opportunity for it to result in sex.

I'm very comfortable being affectionate in public because there is no pressure.

Recently he got upset because normal couples are having sex on the weekend and why weren't we? Then he started raising his voice with not one bit of concern about waking the children that I had spent forever getting off to sleep in the first place. When I suggested keeping his voice down he got louder and louder and then flung the "am I supposed to have an affair then?" at me.

I also dislike the "you know you enjoy it when you get going". So I'm supposed to ignore my reluctance and do it anyway?

Brightling, the more you say, the worse he sounds. Does he have any redeeming features?

He sounds vile and creepy.

Everyone sulks. Most men will be able to tell you countless stories of being "in the dog house" or "getting the silent treatment", often for (in their mind) trivial things.

Yes, but david8341 - he has put himself in that position (can't win either way ) by his sulking and the way he is flinging accusations about "you need a therapist "!
Who wants to have sex with that! !

You're right but.. what now? What's he supposed to do when anything good he does for his wife is seen as a negative?

The valid point being that body unhappiness can be crippling.

I would also like to be able to shower/bathe/get undressed without having to explain/justify why I'm not in the mood for intimacy. I can feel the eyes on me without even turning round.

Brightling - I read your latest post and actually he sounds really bad. That sounds quite abusive.

He has lots of redeeming features. He makes me laugh. He's reliable. He's a good dad. He does his fair share round the home.

It's this one area that causes problems. Of course if he were sexually satisfied life would be really rosy. He's probably be tap dancing through the house on his way out to work.

I don't think he even realises that he is badgering me and when I call him out on it he response is to tell me that he loves me, fancies me and wants to make love.

I should clarify that my opportunities to shower/bathe are not that often with young children around and the number of times I'm actually in the house at the same time as my husband is not that often so he probably sees me get undressed once a week! It's not happening on a daily basis.