Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

I haven't read all the comments, but to me this has very little to do with sex and it's more a power struggle between two people. I know I have had very low libido after I had my 2 kids, but I still had sex. I look at it as one of the compromises you make when you are married. Like if one person wants to watch a movie that the other absolutely doesn't want to watch, you compromise. Of course, we weren't having sex every day nor did my husband expect us to. He wanted it once a week and I thought it was reasonable to give it to him. There were nights that I would have rather done anything else but have sex but I did it anyway, because in a marriage there's compromise to make your partner happy. Like so many other compromises you make for your partner.

If you don't feel like doing it that's fine but for years is totally not acceptable and I don't think any spouse should have to just live with that.

He wanted it once a week and I thought it was reasonable to give it to him. There were nights that I would have rather done anything else but have sex but I did it anyway "give it to him" ... you do know that sex isn't something that you give to someone, it's something that you do together. That's sad & not advice that you should be giving out to women in this scenario.

What you describe isn't compromise. I have never had sex when I didn't want to, and my marriage is nearing its 23rd year.

And you are right, this is about power, but it is not a power struggle. It's unequal, because the dh is using sulking & coercion to get his wife to have sex with him.

Oh & compromise over a movie is not the same as compromising over sex.

It just isn't!

I haven't read all the comments but...

Actually I think you should have done so and I suspect that you would have learnt quite a lot from it.

Brightling - from what you say, you appear to be happy with the outcome of the discussion with your DH. You say you had a better week and I presume you told him to stop attempting to initiate sex and badgering you which I assume he agreed to that because you left him with no choice. I presume you also told him that the frequency with which you wish to have sex will not be increasing in the forseeable future.

if that is the case, you are now in complete control of the sexual relationship you have with your husband. In practice, he has no power to initiate sex and you will determine if and when sex happens.

I presume you feel that you have therefore resolved the issue your satisfaction. There will be no more 'sexpesting and sulking'.

Be under no illusion your DH is extremely unhappy. He will now be silent on the subject. He will stop trying to turn every cuddle into sex. He will be feeling extremely rejected. Psychologically, he will start to withdraw emotionally, not because he wants to hurt you but to stop himself feeling hurt. It is inevitable.

What happens next is therefore entirely in your power. You have said if your DH feels he cannot live with the arrangement and wishes to leave then so be it.

Everyone has their breaking point and I hope it does not come to that.

I guess I'm just being realistic. I get that it's her body and she has total control over what she does with it. And that sex is about making love and not a transaction. But the reality is a bit different. The fact is that sex is one part of marriage that needs to have compromise, just like other areas of marriage. If your husband is badgering you all the time for sex, that is totally wrong. He should either accept that he is in a sexless marriage or leave.

All I'm saying is that there should be some compromise. Not having sex for a while is understandable after I having a child, but prolonged low libido needs attention. You could go to couples counseling, sex therapy, get hormone levels checked if you think something might be off. Both partners have to work towards solving the problem, not just one make a major decision and the other live with it.

some posters don't seem to understand that breastfeeding is a natural contraceptive. It suppresses libido. The op doesn't need sex therapy or hormone checks. She is breastfeeding. Until her baby is weaned, she may well continue to feel the same way. This is natural and normal. Women are expected to be all things. We are expected to breastfeed as it is the biological norm, but still be raring to jump in bed or there is something wrong with us (not to mention the small children/babies wearing us out). Madness. Op hope your husband is coming round to your point of view. he needs to understand this basic biology but if a bunch of relatively sympathetic women don't (on this thread), it's not surprising I suppose...

ayesar have you read the thread now? Have you read the effect that having sex with your DH when you don't really want it can have on a marriage, incl actually destroying it completely?

Your experience is just as relevant and acceptable as anyone else on this thread. I'm very happy that you are finding that an acceptable 'compromise'. (I suspect though that you aren't in the situations described on here where women REALLY didn't want to have sex with their DH, not just didn't fancy it)

However, I disagree completely on the idea that you somehow have to have sex with your partner out of fear of losing him or that somehow you would then be RESPONSIBLE if you end up splitting up because that is part of things where you need to 'compromise'.
The reality is much much more complicated than that, as shown by the numerous experiences on this thread.

But making a woman feel that she HAS to have sex with her DH because otherwise she isn't a good partner as she can't 'compromise' is wrong imho. It's not being realistic. It's putting a huge pressure on women to do things that they shouldn't have to do if they don't feel like it (Read it would make them feel awful, used, like a blowup doll etc... all words used on this thread to describe their experience of that 'compromise').

Perseus I'm sorry but you have no idea what the OP has talked about to her DH.
It might well be that she has explained much better how it feels to her, how having sex feels to her etc... as well as the very biological side of bfing etc... At least that's what I got from her posts.

I would then assume that her DH has realised the real effect of his pestering.
I would also hope that he has realised that it is possible to say to your partner you are up for sex wo pestering and wo sulking if the answer is NO. And that it is NOT forever but just a phase as the OP has repeated it several times now.

The OP, and any other woman, are ALWAYS the ones who have the power to say Yes or NO to having sex with their partner, the ones that are ' in complete control of the sexual relationship'.
I do hope you realise though that men, and the OP's DH or you, are also ' in complete control of the sexual relationship' in that they are always able to say NO to sex too.
The power is exactely the same of both sides. It just happens that, at the moment, the OP is chosing to use that 'power' to say NO. And it's always unconfortable/annoying/frustrating to be denied something you really want.

I guess I'm just being realistic. I get that it's her body and she has total control over what she does with it. And that sex is about making love and not a transaction. But the reality is a bit different. It isn't being "realistic" to have sex & see it as "giving it to him" when you don't want to be doing it. It's sad.

The reality isn't [shouldn't be] different, only if you let it be. The reality is, if the op doesn't want sex, she doesn't have to have sex.

And the reality of it being her own body & her getting to decide what to do with it, is what exactly? That she actually doesn't have any say at all? Because she should be giving her partner sex when HE demands?

He will now be silent on the subject. He will stop trying to turn every cuddle into sex. He will be feeling extremely rejected I doubt that.

Again, when both partners are nice people who love and respect one another. communication can sort out a libido mismatch. The HL partner can understand that s/he is no less loved when the LL partner does not want sex at present, the LL partner can understand that the HL partner would like more sex and may ask occasionally, but will accept a refusal without tantrumming. Where the compromises come in would be that the LL partner remembers to reassure the HL partner that s/he is loved, and the HL partner remembers not to sulk or blame when a refusal of sex occurs.

Perseus more projection and assumption from you. It seems you are not able to understand my posts. Tbh I think they are pretty clear. Of course I am in control of my body. Why shouldn't I be? Same as you are in control of your body. Surely it's your decision if you wish to allow another person to be intimate with you? Whether you're married/LT or whatever both partners should be happy and comfortable with any intimacies. I have not said we will never have sex again because that's not my intention. I want to be back in the relationship that didn't have sulking when the suggestion of sex is turned down. If he continues to ask me "to get help" or "what's wrong with me" and thereby suggesting that I am abnormal for not wanting to be as sexually active as usual at the moment then I think he needs to go for counselling! I really think hearing from a third unbiased party might actually make it sink in for him. Mostly he gets it but there is still a glimmer of the old behaviour. I guess habits are hard to change.

Solid your summary explains it very well. For the most part I am finding that I want to be affectionate with him and have done so and not having the pressure of sex looming has really helped and I am starting to find him desirable again. For the most part. Til he says something stupid.

"still a glimmer of the old behaviour."

"Til he says something stupid."

You haven't given examples but I am quite sure that he will eventually fall silent on the matter and stop attempting to initiate sex for fear of causing yet another argument with you.

Have you actually allowed your DH to talk or have you just 'told' him what you want? Counselling may well be the best route to avoid making DH choose between withdrawing emotionally or just physically leaving you. He needs to be able to have his say. and at the moment what you are doing is just forcing him to shut up with the implicit (or perhaps you have been explicit) threat of no sex at all if he doesn't comply..

The way you are going about this is as ayesar said, its just a power struggle between two people.

Of course he has spoken. It's called two way communication. I don't understand why you are constantly attacking me? You are not a fly on the wall and are making assumptions. It seems as though you won't be satisfied until I post to say that he has moved out.

Do you actually know what it feels like to be hounded for sex? Do you? It's so far removed from feeling loved it's untrue.

He has not shut down. He has not withdrawn. In fact we are enjoying far more affection than we have in awhile. He is still more than able to initiate things to go further the only difference is I'm not met with a sulky stroppy teenager response if it's met if it doesn't progress. Or am I supposed to post every time we are intimate/have sex?

I'm glad things are a bit better, Brightling.

Hope you can ignore the nasty posts - please be assured that most of us completely disagree.

Thank you AnotherEmma.

Brightling - I am not and never have been attacking you.

Throughout the thread I have been trying to warn you of and help you and DH avoid a horrible outcome..

I will say no more on this thread as I do not wish to upset you. I genuinely hope things turn out for the best.

fucking hell, i kind of wish i hadnt been on the side advocating his POV, incase im lumped in with perseus and marathonrape

Is anyone else pleased that the thread is nearly at an end or is it just me.

Not just you Helena!

Ace picture of Perseus. Explains so much.
www.theoi.com/Heros/Perseus.html

ouryve LOL

Tiny pecker, you mean