Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

I'm sure OP herself would love to take Mike's advice on board and spend more time at the gym, pursuing hobbies outside the family and making herself sexy. How telling that he doesn't understand why she lacks the necessary time and energy,but assumes it is an option for her husband. And how absolutely sickening that he assumes a woman with small children, whose relentless work enables her husband to spend all his time away from his family pumping iron and eyeing up crumpet, has "chosen" not to prioritise his boner.

It is quite clear that Mike understands nothing of the demands pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and child rearing have on a woman's body. He appears to think we are people making pods who grow children, pop them out and then carry on as if nothing has changed. But then if he knew anything about women's bodies, his wife might actually enjoy sex with him.

marathon also as you were the one to have an issue with the less sex/no sex,
What did YOU do to help your tired partner, remove the non essential chores (eg have you told her that doing xx wasn't an issue for you, did you discuss any of these non essential chores?), did YOU take any of the chores on (btw, you should already have been doing A LOT such as half of the night waking anyway), did you outsource some of those (eg did you get a cleaner for her etc...)?

I suspect you have done fuck all and expected her to do all that because in your mind she was the one with the problem, not you (even though it was a deal breaker for you, not her).
No actually I'm sure you haven't because you specifically said you distanced yourself and started to go out and meet friend women, which means it was YOUR WIFE that was left, again, to look after the dcs and do all the work.

What a charmer...

If he knew anything about being a father, let alone a woman, he would not dare say any of those things Sheba

Mike reminds me of my father (he was an entitled pillock too). When we were dinner guests at the home of a family friend who was a single mother (widowed), she would drive herself crazy trying to be the ultimate hostess. Dad would give a patronising shit eating smile and tell her not to worry about clearing the table or doing the dishes, that she deserved some down time. Then he would sit back very satisfied, because she could surely relax now he had so magnanimously given her his permission. Problem was, the table did still need clearing and the dishes did still need doing. Did Dad ever actually clear the table or wash the dishes or make the coffee so she could relax as he permitted her to do? Did he fuck.

The fact that OP hasn't been able to shower for days explains everything. She's exhausted, and more than that, she's not being appreciated. Nobody wants to have sex when they're so overworked they've not washed in days, and nobody wants to have sex with someone who isn't interested in relieving their burden a bit.

WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED TO YO9UR WIFE DID YOU EVER TELL HER THAT YOU SEXUAL NEEDS WOULLD HAVE TO BE MET AT ALL TIMES AND THAT LESS EX WAS A DEAL BREAKER FOR YOU? DID YOUB TELL HER THAT HAVING CHILDREN WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE FOR YOU AND NORT WAS ILLNESS?

Of course we discussed the importance of intimacy for the marriage. Not only that, we had a pretty active sex life both before marriage and in the early years of marriage. Obviously, until you've actually had kids, there is no way to comprehend just what that does to a couple! I acknowledged that, due to the turmoil of parenting, we fell into a sexless marriage pattern during this time. I was uneducated on the causes and fixes, so I unfortunately let this go on for 9 miserable months, barely avoiding a sexual affair, finally coming to my senses and forcing a decision on our future. Instead of both of us being miserable, better to admit if the marriage has become incompatible, then just shake hands and move on. I am trying to share some of my experience from male perspective with Brightling. Oh no, here come some more "thanks for your penile wisdom" posts.

Sexless marriage is a dealbreaker for me. I feel zero shame admitting this. This does not make me a bad person, this does not make me a bad father, this does not mean I don't pull my weight in all areas at home. It simply means that I have a normal lido, and I am honest. And if my wife were not OK with this, we would be divorced. And that would be best for us both.

I did not mean to highjack Brightling's thread, but feel I should respond to alot of direct questions. I will let all the personal attacks go.

In my marriage, one of the big changes we made to address her always being too tired for sex was my wife quit her job. She had been working 3 days per week, she left that job entirely. Also we agreed on several things that she would no longer do: she just had to accept that certain things were not that critical, and it was not worth her doing those to the extent she was too tired for intimacy. We hired more baby sitters, and mommy's helpers. I stopped cutting our grass and paid a local boy. Overall we reduced the total number of things we (especially she) were doing, with the specific goal of creating time for our marriage.

That wasn't my question though. I asked if you had told her you would leave the marriage regardless of the adjustments that were needed for example due to children (which you admit you had no idea what sort of effect they would have).

So your adjustment has been to push for sex. That's not an adjustment that. That's imposing your PoV.

I have read the thread, found it upsetting and have hesitated to post -and it will be long - but some on here (mike ...) I think need to hear this.
In a long term relationship, with DCs both working incredibly long hours. Sex never happened. It was mutual. Then things slackened off a bit, I gave up my career and became a SAHM and did everything at home for the DCs , DH reduced his hours slightly and we did have more of a sex life. Then another DC came along, I completely get the all touched out , just wanting your body for yourself, some space and also breastfeeding (I found) lowers your libido. DH was less impressed with the less active sex life but still busy, it wasn't a big issue.
Then he changed jobs, actually stopped working for a while. Instead of taking some of the burden off me it actually added to it - he was a selfish, lazy arse, made more mess to clean up - whilst he went off on his own to do want he liked - go to the gym, meet his friends, play golf - it made me feel resentful. And he turned down the perfect job and took one that was shift work - made it almost impossible for me to go back to work - more resentment. And of course he wanted sex more often because he had no stresses or worries, lots of free time - and he did have minor (unattractive) strops about it - it got to the point where our sex live was zero.
I completely get what brightling is saying - everything felt like it was about sex. I couldn't touch him without it becoming sexual (even with the DCs around) and he was deliberately unhelpful to 'punish me' if we didn't have sex - it is the biggest turn off.

And I realised my life would be easier if he wasn't around. I wanted to split. I didn't like him very much by that stage and I was so angry with him. He just wanted sex. We went for couple counselling.
I was persuaded to give it a go (I did still love him) - we sorted some things out -a lot were a work in progress and I had a lot of resentment to get over. In retrospect everything he agreed to was a way of getting sex as that was his only problem (which I think says a hell of a lot about our relationship). It was like he was buying me - or rather my body -not just with money but by eg not leaving dirty plates in the living room.

I blame the counsellor for this - but the last session was about rekindling our sex life. It was pick a night a week and make time for each other, spend time together, not sex just massage each other etc. I stupidly agreed. I think things should have been allowed to settle first - allow me to let go of some of the resentment, give him a chance to pull his weight more and stop treating me like his servant/slave. And I may have felt more like it.
But the first night came along and that day DH had been a selfish arse -can't even remember what, just I was furious with him - could I really spend cuddly couple time with him? Caused a massive argument - I was finding something to be annoyed about as an excuse. This went on ...once I fell asleep on the chair in DCs room getting them to sleep - it was excuse (not that I was exhausted). Say a DC wouldn't get to sleep - he would be pacing around, then have a massive strop about how I had deliberately kept them awake.
The atmosphere became toxic - it was hell. DH constant strops, deliberately making a mess, refusing to help at all... all worse because I was not keeping 'my side of our deal'.
And we did talk ...his attitude was similar to expressed on this thread - I should have sex with him just to keep him happy. Make him feel less rejected - (and I did empathise). He needed to have sex. It was normal to have sex more often... And he needed a time - a deadline. But how can you give someone a definite time when you will feel less resentful, less angry?

In the end I was bullied into it - I couldn't face any more shouting and stropping and constant pressure. Thought it was easier to keep the peace.
I said did he really want to have sex with me even if I didn't want to? And he said he'd be quick (FFS) . So I stupidly said ok just get it over with then. And he did. I felt like shit, I can't described how awful I felt - worthless, like a blow up doll, a convenient hole. I cried. He stopped. (He went to see a counsellor on his own and he understands it could be considered rape - it was coercion.)
We have never had sex since. He hasn't asked. We still live in the same house, we are like room mates.
He doesn't want to split cos it would be bad for the DCs, it would be failure etc. He does pull his weight more, more or less does everything for himself but still can be selfish and messy (but not as bad). I am sure I would be happier without him around. And actually think he would be happier too. (He said once I can tell you don't like me sometimes ...and he's right sometimes I despise him)
I have told him he can sleep with any one he likes but apparently he wants a relationship - I've said that's fine but in that case if it becomes more than just sex he needs to move out as I am not being the mug tidying up after him...
And part of me is sad - I remember when we did get on well, occasionally he makes me laugh and I think it could have been fun again - we were under a lot of pressure with work and young DCs. But I don't think I could ever have sex with him again...the idea fills me with disgust.

I have repeatedly been called entitled. I am not entitled to sex with my wife.
But I am entitled to admit that I require an active sex life to be happy.
I am entitled (obligated?) to share this fact with my wife, so that she can participate in the tough decision about our long term compatibility. I am entitled to decide that I can't remain in a sexless marriage. I am entitled to end a sexless marriage and go seek a more compatible partner.

My wife was was free to say I ask too much, and we could end our marriage. She freely decided that I am actually a reasonable man, with reasonable needs, that she can reasonably meet. This may sound transnational, but I believe all successful marriages are based on love, this includes knowing and being willing to meet my partner's needs, as I do meet hers.

"one of the big changes we made to address her always being too tired for sex was my wife quit her job. She had been working 3 days per week, she left that job entirely."

OMG! It gets better! She quit her job so she could have more sex with her husband! Never mind her career, financial independence, intellectual stimulation, interaction with other people... Being the perfect sex slave wife is so much more important!

She was too tired for sex so you stopped cutting the grass. LOL

It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

I know, anotheremma.

Mikey, tbh, I doubt the op is interested in any more of your "advice" on her thread. She's made that pretty clear, she's also made it clear that she will not be bullied into sex. She hasn't said she won't ever have sex again - just that she won't be bullied into sex she doesn't want.

You just keep on keeping on though - we know that's your way - but know that what you have described is sexual bullying, relationship abuse. To be recommending this course of action to the OP's DH - on a parenting website too - is pretty shit. You simply show you have zero understanding of women as anything other than a sex-provider for her DH.

sob

Oh, won't someone please think of Mike's boner!

She quit her job to have more energy for sex with you? Getting your end away was more important than her job?

Fucking hell. Hope you've been following the Archers this week (and outsourcing the custard).

MagicMike's wife is also trapped because she gave up her financial independence and made it more difficult to leave the sexually coercive man.

Mike, I think you are shit in bed. That's why you have to threaten your wife to make her open her legs.

A man who can't acknowledge that his wife's libido may fluctuate due to having a baby is never going to understand this on a macro level, let alone on a micro level. Easier to believe the woman can be 'fixed' rather than having common decency and waiting until she is ready.

'She is free to say no to sex at the macro level...but'? That means she is not free to say no, because he will leave or have an afffair if she does. When people say 'but' they mean what I just said before is conditional. Thus her ability to say no is conditional. Thus she is not 'free to say no'.

I actually didn't think Mike was a thundering anus until I read his list of PUA advice. No man can do all that unless his wife is at home doing all the unassisted parenting that leaves her too tired and unappreciated for sex. You think that doesn't sound a dream to an exhausted, sleep deprived stay at home mother? And his wife had to prioritise his flaccid cock over her career?

Second the belief that he sounds like a crap lover who couldn't find the clitoris if he was led there by Kenton Cool.

Op your oh is behaving like an arse about sex. But the question really is are you happy with the situation as it is now? If you are happy without having sex very often (and I get tiredness, demands of being a mum, breast feeding etc all influencing this), then your oh needs to accept it.

If however you would like to feel like having sex more often (but you just don't feel like it as much), then there are things you can try to increase your libido so you want to have sex more often. The first thing that would need to happen is your oh picking his toys up putting them back in the pram.

Depending on which of these you feel applies to you will depend on how best to tackle the situation. It can't be very pleasant the way things are.

I have to agree that men who try to coerce women into sex their way are usually [always] unattentive lovers, liable to blame the woman for her lack of enthusiasm or her lack of arousal. Gentlemen with patience and kindness make the best lovers ime.

moreharmthangood I feel for you. If you have followed the thread, you will know that I have been in the same boat than you. Except maybe that we somehow managed to make things better but how hard has it been to get over that resentment and the feeling of being unconfortable about having sex altogether!

I feel for you but I have to say, unless you can think there is a way for you two to be a romantic couple again, then I would really consider splitting :( :(
Such a shame that the counsellor was so crap and created the situation of the downfall :(

miker do you know that when someone is financially trapped because they don't work, then it's very hard for them to get away?
Do you realise that when you are repeatedly pushed into doing something you don't want, something that is demanded as a right, then at some point, you start doubting yourtself and you start thinking that maybe my H is right. That's what happens in cases of abuse.

So in effect you have emotionally abused your wife, managed to convinced her to be financially dependent on you and now you think that she is free to move out is she wants to! I would be laughing if it wasn't so sad.

If you are so sure that your DW is so happy with the arrangement and she never felt bullied into having sex to keep you, would you dare showing her this thread?

TBH the one good thing that has come out from this thread is the fact so many people have stepped up to say 'No this is NOT right. You do NOT have to have sex to keep your DH'.
This is 100 times better than what I heard on here 15 years ago when I found myself in the same situation. I do hope that anyone reading in silence will be listening and will then have the strength to be much more assertive so not fall into the same trap than me or moreharm and any other on the this thread.

moreharmthangood
Your story is pretty sad, I feel badly for you. Sounds like your husband was pretty lazy, certainly that contributed alot to your sexless marriage. That is not the case for Brightling or in my marriage.

To be clear, I don't think your husband was wrong to want sex. I do think he was wrong for being a lazy selfish arsh who makes a big mess. Why are you still married?

Maybe she is financially dependent on him ?