Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Like your wife. Who has no choice but to service you. If she does not her standard of living, and that of your children, will take a massive nosedive.

That is not a choice...by any definition.

My wife is not an idiot. She would not quit her job to become financially trapped in a bad marriage with an entitled man who demands unwanted sex. She quit her job because the combination of raising kids and working was a big part of her being "too tired" for important things like showers, exercise, doing nothing, and (yes) intimacy. She has a valuable professional degree and can get a high paying job whenever she wants.

You do NOT have to have sex to keep your DH It depends what you mean. If you mean on any given night, any given week? You are totally right about that. If you mean for several weeks at a time and the main reason is "too tired" ? I could not disagree more! Please do the research for yourself. Most normal people (men and women) won't stay faithfully married with somebody who never has sex.

OMG Mike what you are saying is absolutely breathtakingly disgusting. I agree with AnotherEmma. How dare you suggest that your wife gives up her job so that she is less tired and so can satisfy you sexually. Who the hell do you think you are? You clearly have an over inflated ego and no understanding of what a marriage is about. You have denied your wife independence both financially and personally. You have isolated her from the outside world and you have put yourself at the very centre of the family with no consideration for anyone else. You sound like a dictatorial, self-obsessed bully of a man. I hope your wife wakes up and fucks you off out of it. You should be ashamed of yourself. Of course the sad thing is that you will not listen and you won't get it will you.

Several weeks at a TIME Mike! OMG you poor thing. I hope you put down a towel in the bed in case you just explode through under use. And then of course make your wife clear it up as it's her fault anyway.

Abusive entitled prick thinks he's a paragon of virtue and that only stupid women get trapped in relationships with men like him. Film at 11.

How dare I suggest? It was basically her idea, which became a mutual decision. What is your better idea to deal with a wife who feels overwhelmed with life?

I do appreciate all the concern for my wife. Rest assured she is not trapped! She has alot of family money, a good education, a brand new car with a full tank of gas, and can go anyplace at any time. But I will let her know you all are worried about her.

Abusive entitled prick thinks he's a paragon of virtue and that only stupid women get trapped in relationships with men like him, and that the only solution to a wife overwhelmed with shitwork is to lose her independence. Film at 12.

I think we all have a pretty vivid picture of your homelife, now EntitledMike. Quite vivid enough, in fact. It's been both enlightening and disturbing to hear the perspective of an abusive husband, but please stop talking now.

MagicMike, what is your wife doing while you argue for days on end with a bunch of women who just don't get how fantastic you are ?

Your wife basically has to put out or you'll leave?

I suspect that she is checking her diary to see where she can fit in hair and nail appointments around her weekly Wednesday night intimacy with Mike.

Put out or I leave?
I would phrase it much differently. I would say that all of us have dealbreaker requirements for a romantic relationship, especially a marriage. One of mine is that I have a normal sexdrive and I want to be with a partner who shares this intimacy with me on a regular basis. I can't be happy, long term, in a relationship without sex. I think alot of people (including most men) are just this way. So if my wife ever decides that sex is off the table, for any significant length of time, the main reason being "she is too tired"..... without any specific action to fix her tiredness.... then absolutely yes, I would leave her

Ideal thank you.
mike I'm still with him because I don't feel strongly enough about him still being in the house to seriously damage my DCs standard of living and he isn't a bad person - I do still care for him - I actually don't want to cause him hurt -these things are never straight forward....(I have my own money too)
As for your case - I also feel sorry for your wife.
I have a professional higher degree ...but I would now struggle to get back into the workplace in my career -something that I loved - and I know that - I've fucked that up forever - maybe your wife feels the same?

And I suggested giving up my work - we were juggling too many balls and something had to give (and it wasn't about sex).
I had a natural break so instead of looking for something else I decided to take a break. I thought I was part of a partnership - we helped each other out, made sacrifices for each other.
What I didn't realise was that I was then taking on all the responsibility for the house and DCs - it was my job. So when he finished his job he thought he could be a lazy arse because he had no idea of the amount of work involved in looking after a house and family - he thought as a SAHM I'd been taking it easy for years - so it was his turn...the counselling did set him straight on that. He is naturally untidy/messy but he did improve....and I think with more time without the pressure of the 'couple time' straight away we might have been ok.
Actually I did mention part of the resentment was he turned down a job that meant I could have gone back to work because he thought he wouldn't enjoy it as much as the one he took - the one that meant I couldn't. I did still have a chance then of restarting my career. I don't think he fully appreciated what he had done - how selfish he had been. It became clear that sacrifice was a one way street...again after the counselling he understood that too.
That was a good thing about the counselling - that we could actually communicate without it turning into a full scale argument/getting side tracked. But he will also still say he didn't tell me to give up work...he didn't realise what it actually meant to me and it isn't fair I should resent him for it.
You do sound a lot like my DH before counselling - some of the things you write I am sure he could have written....I'd have a good long think about that.

And it would be interesting to hear your wife's pov...

marathon you are assuming the OP gives 0% of her time to her OH based purely on the fact that she doesn't have sex with him. Do you not think that there is any other purpose to be being in a loving relationship? I bet the OP cooks for her OH, I bet she washes his clothes. We know she looks after DC, almost certainly this enables her OH to go out to work whilst she has put any career on hold (sorry OP I cant remember if you said you work or not).

Are you fucking messing with us? And all the talk of choices, it is not a choice not to want sex with a childish bully, it is completely involuntary. Repulsive.

My DH hasnt been physical with me for 20 years. For the last ten he has been ill.

In all that time i have NEVER tried to cajole or wheedle him into sex.

However as a woman in this situation there is one big advantage. I dont have to take hormonal contraception.

I did work prior to babies August.

I do get annoyed with the occasional reminder that the house and children are my domain because I wanted to be a SAHM. These reminders only happen when I complain that about the children being a handful or whatever.

I have pointed out to him that being a SAHM is not the equivalent of being the maid. He is good at pulling his weight. The only complaints I have is the sexpesting and lack of time that I get for myself without anyone with me, on my hip, holding my hand etc.

I really believe that he's ignorant to the effect his behaviour has on me and that his behaviour is unreasonable. We've had a much better week this week.

Mike, your wife must be praying that she never gets Ill, or that she never has a drop in her libido. What if there is a bereavement in her family and she is so consumed with grief that you have to go without for a month or longer? In reality, what would you do under these circumstances? You state quite clearly that two weeks without is your limit. Sex is not essential to your wellbeing and life as much as you think it is. You will continue to survive without it but you may be surviving on your own if you maintain your current disgusting point of view

Mike I agree to a point but to be honest you sound completely out of touch with how women work and your wife - if she's as happy with this situation as you say she is - is very different from all the women I know.

If my DH told me that he never wanted to sleep with me again and that sex was off the table forever, then of course I would reconsider the relationship. But that's partly because sex also goes hand in hand with other kinds of intimacy and closeness (spending quality time together, talking, making each other smile), and your "dealbreaker" doesn't seem to be concerned with that. Just the sex.

IMO the most ridiculous thing you've said is that you think a 9 month dry spell when you have young DC is cause for divorce. The early years of tiredness, exhaustion, being touched out and low libido due to BF etc. are temporary. 9 months out of a lifetime is nothing and a strong marriage would withstand it easily. If a marriage is going to survive those rough years, it takes a lot of work to keep communication going - you should prioritise talking and laughing together WAY above sex. If you keep the relationship ticking over, sex will follow once the circumstances allow. Making threats of leaving/open relationships if you don't get your way in what you consider to be a reasonable time frame is not conducive to maintaining a close bond. I can't imagine my DH ever being so selfish.

MarathonMiker you're an arsehole.

The problem isn't needing sex in a marriage, the problem is assuming the wife's dwindling libido is entirely her problem to fix, nothing to do with your crap technique, and being happy for her to lose her impressive job so she can service your limp dick while still undertaking all the shitwork with no help from you. Which is doubtless what's happening if you think husbands ought to have the time and energy to fulfill your rather sad little list. Or spend endless butthurt nights on Mumsnet.

What a worthless amoeba of a man.

Don't hold back, Sheba < high five >

Couldn't have put it better Sheba! God he's an entitled arsehole.

IdeealWeather - you posted to me way back at IdealWeather @ 15:51:38

Basically I agree with all the propositions you made.

A couple of specific comments:

"I'm sure you would agree though that this is about the woman feeling better in herself, not about finding a way that her libido is getting better so you can have sex iyswim wink."

Absolutely. Finding a happier place by mutual support, love and understanding of each others position and what is causing the low libido lead to a natural resumption of sex - not an aim in itself.

"The thing with having a diagnosis of illness is that most men would find it easier to back down re the sex and will find it easier to accept a less than 'optimum' frequency. Especially when the idea that once better things will go back to 'normal'. It's trickier when the illness is more long term and there is less chance for things to get better. The question is then, is it OK to give up on a otherwise happy marriage because your wife is ill? "

To some extent I have been through that scenario. In a short term illness yes its just a normal give and take of married life. it takes an enormous toll if it goes on a long time and only love gets you through.

"Having said that, these are NOT the situation the OP is in! She is experiencing a dip that she and her DH (should) know will be short term. It's a very different situation."

Not necessarily. Everyone is saying its just a dip but no one including the OP knows that. Everyone hopes it is and that is the promise held out but in reality no one knows how long it will go on for.

" Everyone hopes it is and that is the promise held out but in reality no one knows how long it will go on for"

Actually Perseus a woman in this situation needs to have some idea how long it would go on for a bit more than a man does so she doesnt stay on unneccssary medication. Contraception that is not needed is unnessacery medication.