Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Yeah well, using economics jargon to justify why you bullied your wife into sex doesn't justify bullying your wife into sex. Ever.

There is no justification for bullying someone into sex.

*Mike
"*I think it is important to distinguish between the decision for sex at a micro versus macro level. My wife is completely free to decide against sex at the micro level: on any given day, or week, or let's even say 2 or 3 weeks (extreme case of obvious circumstances). I would agree that it would be bullying if I were to pull out the divorce/cheating card every time she said No at the micro level.

My wife is also free to say no to sex at the macro level.. but THAT is where I call dealbreaker, and we either have an open marriage or we divorce. I do not consider this bullying. This is being honest about ones marital needs."
*
THERE ARE NO WORDS. NO WORDS.
*

And if you don't have any childcare? Can't afford private childcare?

These are not excuses. It's fact.

When you follow this....
My wife is also free to say no to sex at the macro level

With this....
.. but THAT is where I call dealbreaker, and we either have an open marriage or we divorce.

What you actually mean is my wife is not free to say no to sex

it's where you call dealbreaker, what about your wife?

Bugger the fancy talk of micro & macro, this is a human fucking life you are talking about & you have ridiculous ideals about what your wife is & isn't allowed to say no to.

You really need to be careful, because you are starting to sound like you actually only want to put your penis into a vagina, and not have a fulfilling relationship of any kind.

Completely agree with Dollius, especially this:
"Newsflash - marriage is an agreement to spend your life with someone, not to have sex on tap from a frazzled, exhausted, breast-feeding woman. FFS."

OP, if you haven't had a SHOWER in 4 days I can completely understand that sex wouldn't even cross your mind and the idea of being nagged/threatened/bullied into sex in that situation is appalling.

Does he share the childcare when he's not at work? At the very least he should look after the kids while you take a bloody shower.

Also... LOL at the idea that you would have 30 minutes spare for sex... Surely if you had any time to yourself, sex would be at the end of a very long list, after: sleep/rest, get a drink, eat (including preparing food), go to the loo, take a shower, do laundry, fill/empty dishwasher or do washing up, oh and er TALK to your partner - as you would need (and want) to maintain some kind of emotional connection with you partner. Which is a necessary prelude to sex, in most cases - unless you're a sex toy or prostitute.

we either have an open marriage or we divorce

Many a HL partner (male or female) has thought of either that or an affair. But, commonly, its not a real solution, because the HL partner often ends up transferring their love out of the relationship as well, along with their body. Why? Because even when they, and their LL partner, are convinced its 'just about sex', its often more about a lack of intimate connection. Less about selfishly having sex and getting the orgasm payoff as it is about feeling sexually desired and deriving value from satisfying the sexual desires of another.

well if my husband decided on a macro level that we would never have sex again together, then yeah, we need to either split, or he better have some other impressive way of keeping me interested.

We are not locked into marriages anymore thankfuck

I think some people still think theres such a thing as unconditional love for a spouse

Macro, eh ?

I wonder if they are still great at getting your household essentials delivered in bulk.

Brightling - your last post about the laundry basket, not having a shower for four days, etc.

That right there is the issue and is a very important piece of information. I mean absolutely no criticism by saying this but your house sounds like chaos.

I think you said, way back up the thread that DH pulls his weight. I remember the special meal date night thing too.

In your conversation with him I suggest you walk him through all the facts of what your life is like and then sit down together and prioritise and redesignate what he does and you do.

Why on earth is he not putting the laundry on, wielding the iron and getting through that laundry basket rather than cooking a fancy meal? Why don't you designate a time each day when you can have a shower and he looks after the children? I well remember when DCs were little, me and DW shared childcare and I also worked but it was really important that DW got time to have a shower and breakfast before I went out otherwise it didn't happen before afternoon. I did look after and feed DS1 (with formula at night and during the day) and we still have a photo of me unshaven and shattered around lunchtime in a grubby dressing gown.

I strongly think that you are doing far far too much and DH needs to take much more of the load. You need to let go of some of the burden and he needs to step up - even if he is out working.

On the going to the GP issue. What you say is you are feeling extremely tired and although you have young children you want to check that there isn't any other general health issue going on and mention a few of the things LIKE diabetes, thyroid, anaemia. They may also do a checklist analysis for post partum depression if you mention that you have a very young child. There may be a post partum depression checklist on the NHS website if you look that you could do yourself. I know it is likely to be the fact that you are looking after children that is the cause but it is worth a check all the same.

OP Why cant he parent his DC for half an hour while you have a shower FFS!

Has he ever even looked after them completely on his own?

"Why on earth is he not putting the laundry on, wielding the iron and getting through that laundry basket rather than cooking a fancy meal?"

I think a LOT of posters on this thread know the answer to this already!

Christ, the mansplaining on this thread has truly plumbed new depths.

Brightling - here is the [http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Introduction.aspx link]] to the NHS pages on postnatal depression.

A lot of stuff on those pages is almost a quote of some of your posts. The treatment page has the following recommendations. Some of which I have posted in my earlier list of suggestions but above all please go and talk to your GP. Get help from DH and don't try to be supermum.

I think is very wise advice indeed:

•talk to your partner, friends and family – try to help them understand how you're feeling and what they can do to support you

•don't try to be a "supermum" – accept help from others when it's offered and ask your loved ones if they can help look after the baby and do tasks such as housework, cooking and shopping

•make time for yourself – try to do activities that you find relaxing and enjoyable, such as going for a walk, listening to music, reading a book or having a warm bath

•rest when you can – although it can be difficult when you’re looking after a baby, try to sleep whenever you get the chance, follow good sleeping habits and ask your partner to help with the night-time work

•exercise regularly – this has been shown to help boost mood in people with mild depression (read more about exercise for depression)

•eat regular, healthy meals and don't go for long periods without eating

•don't drink alcohol or take drugs, as this can make you feel worse

Sorry here is that link again.

So. Fucking. Patronising.

POST NATAL DEPRESSION AND HAVING A SHIT PARTNER WHO NAGS FOR SEX INSTEAD OF PULLING HIS WEIGHT ARE NOT THE SAME

Emma - I have come to the conclusion you are deliberately stalking me.

Not a single one of my posts have you failed to follow up with a sarcastic comment. You have not made a single helpful comment on the whole thread.

Now please leave me alone.

I'm torn because posting may encourage further douchebaggery but on the other hand it would contribute another post towards the 1000 when hopefully this horror show of a thread will end.

YY Aire. Know what you mean.

If Brightling does have PND I wonder why that would be .

Hint: "A SHIT PARTNER WHO NAGS FOR SEX INSTEAD OF PULLING HIS WEIGHT"

Let me define macro level consent. This simply means my wife and I agree to have a sexually active marriage. Ample room is allowed for the normal ebs/flows of life, but if one person is constantly "too tired" the expectation is this can NOT become a valid excuse for weeks on end! The partners need to discuss what is making one person so tired, and they must actively strive towards a solution, for example:

• what things is the tired partner doing that might actually be non-essential and could be skipped entirely?
• if essential, what things could the other partner take on?
• if essential, what things could be outsourced (done by somebody other than husband/wife)?

As I read Brightling posts, and several other posters giving blanket support of her position, I do not hear any meaningful efforts to actually solve this problem (the problem being... she has no time for a shower, no time to want sex).

To her, the only problem is his sulking. If only he would stop sulking, she would be fine. I see this as her giving a macro level NO to a sexually active marriage. Instead, she wants a 100% kid focused marriage. For me, that is just a total dealbreaker. Alot of people (especially men) would find this to be a dealbreaker, and this is why I keep saying it looks like this marriage is incompatible and should end. Alternatively, I proposed the hallpass option, as a means to save the marriage. I can understand why some people object to that, leaving only the divorce option. I'm glad Brightling sounds fine with this outcome, so all she needs to do now get honest with him and break the news.

marathon I have a question that I asked yu before abut you have avoided a few times now. Could please answer it?

WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED TO YO9UR WIFE DID YOU EVER TELL HER THAT YOU SEXUAL NEEDS WOULLD HAVE TO BE MET AT ALL TIMES AND THAT LESS EX WAS A DEAL BREAKER FOR YOU? DID YOUB TELL HER THAT HAVING CHILDREN WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE FOR YOU AND NORT WAS ILLNESS?

Or rather did you not mention it and tricked into marrying you, having children being dependent on you to then spur that news on her?

Because I suspect the latter (NO woman I know woud be happy to have children with a man telling her she would have to have sex with him regardless of whether she was under the weather, had children etc... Just because ... What he is a man and has Neeeeds you know...)
In that case, you are the lowest of the lowest. You have tricked her (I'm sure you know that women wouod never agree to that if it was spelled out to them) and then you are imposing your way with little regard to her. Just disgusting.

perseus I actually agree with you.
PND and illness can lead to a lower libido and sometimes that's what looks like the biggest S&S.
I also do agree that even wo PND, when women are isolated and with no family support, it's 100 times harder and the advice given to women with PND can be beneficial to help and cope.

I'm sure you would agree though that this is about the woman feeling better in herself, not about finding a way that her libido is getting better so you can have sex iyswim

The thing with having a diagnosis of illness is that most men would find it easier to back down re the sex and will find it easier to accept a less than 'optimum' frequency. Especially when the idea that once better things will go back to 'normal'.
It's trickier when the illness is more long term and there is less chance for things to get better. The question is then, is it OK to give up on a otherwise happy marriage because your wife is ill? If you were replacing sex by cooking, would her not be able to cook anymore be a reason good enough to split a family? Or if it was spending time doing a hobby together that had been bringing you together?

Having said that, these are NOT the situation the OP is in! She is experiencing a dip that she and her DH (should) know will be short term. It's a very different situation.

Fucking hell marathon man, you really are a bit dense aren't you?