Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Dizzy, not everyone with different opinions has been so nasty to the OP. It's not so much the opinion I object to (although I disagree), it's more the tone of the posts and the unfounded accusations. I don't believe that they are helpful at all. And I don't believe someone posting like that is really trying to help.

I agree with Squashybanana that cuddling is a great way to still get some intimacy even if you don't have sex.

However, I know my DH didn't want cuddles. He wanted sex. Any attempt to have a cuddle meant sex so I certainly didn't want to initiate a cuddle as I knew it would autiomatically turn into sex.
I suspect that the OP's DH is the same.

Perseus this is exactely the sort of thing I would have said before and in particular at that time when I chose to 'get on with it' and have sex with DH when I wasn't really keen. Tbh it didn't work.

What worked was to be assertive and clear on what I wanted and to tell DH about it. Not be conciliatory and reasuring. To be blunt, I think DH saw that as a weakness and that if I was that conciliatory, then he should be able to convince me to do xxx rather than really understanding I would not buldge. He saw that as a sign that actually he wasn't that much in the wrong to be such a sex pest rather than is behaviour wasn't acceptable in any shape or form.
As I said before, my way of dealing with things was to look at the overall picture rather than just sex because my low libido was linked to all lot of stuff, some of which were in effect a relationship issue rather than a sex issue.
I told DH that I was going to ask him to change ONE thing. I made it very clear that it was no negociable. It was also clear that asking for more sex or whatever just wasn't on the agenda. My body my choice. In 'return', I asked him about ONE thing he wanted me to change, one thing that was important. That was enough.

I have to say, I am always surprised to see how it's not acceptable to be grumpy, threatening etc... ever. Even you are deeply frustrated by your child/partner's behaviour but somehow when it's about sex, then it's OK.
Your DP has been driving you up the wall the whole weekend, has been obnoxious, a pain with your parents, whatever, you are not supposed to shout, threatened them or anything like this. But if you are sexually frustrated, somehow that is OK and then your partner (a woman, unsurprisngly?) then should be conciliatory and excuse your behaviour because it's so hard for him. Nope. Not in my books.

I am trying to be helpful and ot being nasty.

I am at odds with the majority of the thread because my view is that neither the OP nor her DH are facing a situation they have never experienced before. I want to shake the OP out of her position that she is blameless and her DH is all to blame.

Both people need to move their position and stop trying to force each other to back down.

One thing I do object to is the constant use of the term that DH is 'sulking'. He absolutely isn't. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding of what he is doing. What he is doing is reacting to an extremely stressful situation which he is struggling to come to terms with. People under extreme stress react in ways that are out of character.

He could hide his stress and say nothing whch would make the OP less annoyed but it would stil be there and would eventually emerge as depresson, tearfulness, irritability. All stress reactions. This is not to say the OP should be having sex aganst her will. Of course not. She needs to see what is happening to him is extremely upsetting and he is not in control of how he feels as she is not in control of how she feels. They are not deliberately hurting each other.

They need to work together or seek help. They need to stop the blame.

Perseus
"One thing I do object to is the constant use of the term that DH is 'sulking'. He absolutely isn't. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding of what he is doing. What he is doing is reacting to an extremely stressful situation which he is struggling to come to terms with. People under extreme stress react in ways that are out of character."

Are you the OP's DH? If not, who do you think you are?! You are writing with the absolute certainty than you know better than the OP what is going on between her and her DH. You have no idea. Try taking the OP's word for it, for once.

And the idea that infrequent sex causes "extreme stress" is completely ridiculous... If there was any truth in it, single people would all be suffering from PTSD.

the only thing causing stress is him being told no, and he's reacting like a fucking toddler who's just had his hand slapped for trying to stick it in the cookie jar after already being told he can't have one.

in his eyes sex is about self gratification. He see's something he wants, and tries to get it because it'll make him feel good, and when he's thwarted gets all pissy and abusive.

Its not about the OP, its about him.

Another/Adrift - again you are presenting a total misconception that somehow this is like bloke in a nightclub who buys a woman a couple of drinks and gets annoyed when she won't go home with him.

It is totally not that at all. It is about a man struggling with a fundamental change in the complex chemistry of the relationship with his wife who he loves in a committed relationship.

This is the kind of thing that the OP needs to explore with DH and understand. The DH probably doesn't understand it himself and undoubtedly feels a lot of conflicting emotions including guilt about the feelings he has.

Perseus
No, I haven't said anything about blokes in nightclubs.
The more you post the more I think you must be the OP's DH, or a man who likes to coerce and harass his partner to have sex with him.

AnotherEmma - I will argue with you no further. You are making a totally unfounded accusation. I hoped to give some insight but the OP is long gone.

This is an extremely difficult situation. I hope the OP and her DH can find a way through without permanent damage.

Nope, i have it pretty much pegged.

Guys! You are never, ever going to agree here!

If anyone remembers my post, I've been on both sides.

Being the one who doesn't want sex, well, you just don't get what you're doing to your DP.

Being the one who does want it, but you're getting rejected, it's a bucket of shite. You probably do sulk. You're fecking miserable.

This thread is inhabited by women with low/no drive, and women with high drive. Never the twain shall meet. You're never going to agree!!!!!

This post has had 637 responses, and as far as I can see, the Op has dismissed every reply that doesn't fit with her agenda, to remain unavailable to her DH. Her choice, of course, but that may not turn out the way she wants. People have needs/desires, and her DH is bloody miserable. He will 100% have an affair, I know that's shit, but it happened to me when I with held sex and I take the blame for that.

I have NOT DISMISSED every reply that does not fit with me. With so many posts on this thread it's impossible to respond to each one individually.

Thank you so much for the personal attacks. WHERE have I said I am not prepared to change or not communicate with him? WHERE? How many times do I make it clear that I will be talking with him? We have already had a conversation today. Already progress is being made and already we are both happier and rebuilding areas where we both fall short.

I am not bullying my husband. I am not withholding sex as punishment or one upmanship. I'm having difficult time of it as a mum to a number of children, one being a young baby.

Where do I say or imply that I will never have sex with him ever again? Where? Again assumptions.

Perseus has a bit of a thing for jumping into threads and being rather hysterical about what the OP apparently is or isn't doing.

I wonder if it's an attention thing. The thread has been somewhat derailed by arguing with Perseus - I apologise for my not insignificant part in that! Resisting goady fuckers provocative posters is hard sometimes.

Actually, I take that back - I'm mixing them up with another poster. That poster was incredibly dictatorial and accusatory in tone, too.

And no, it's not at all helpful.

OP

I've been in the situation that Perseus describes. You're not in that position so ignore him and the other posters who are projecting.

You are entirely correct to reject unwelcome advances. You're a new mother with a lot of pressures. Most new fathers would accept your position with whatever tired and grumpy grace they could muster.

Your husband is acting like a bit of a dick and getting up your nose but he seems to loves and desire you and you say he's mostly a good man. Importantly he's trying to communicate with you about this even if he's bungling it.

Just keep talking. There may be other issues, there may be more anger. But keep at it. Talk and be kind to each other and you'll be fine.

Good luck to you both.

Brightling happy to see that things are moving in the right way :)

husky tbh I do understand that it's hard to be in that position where you feel rejected all the time. Yes It's carp.
I think it is becoming less crap when you do use empathy and try to put yourse;lf in the shoes of the other person (ie why is it that they don't want that. It's not about me).
I also do think that it's important for the person with the lower libido to understand the pov of the higher libido and see how you can make things easier for them (the cuddles you were talking about is one of the things we do nowadays that my sex drive has taken a plunge again, for health reasons).

But I have to say I have a huge difference in DH behaviour between the first time this happened (he took it personally, he was rejected etc... because clearly having 2 young dcs couldnt be a reason good enough not to feel like sex. Somehow it was me withholding sex etc...) and now (I am ill so he is more worried about me, knows and can see the effect having sex has on me so is 'happy' not to have sex that often, will ask if I am up for it rather than being a sex pest etc...). The situation now is so much easier to handle for both of us.

Please be honest with your husband! Tell him that although you had a normal libido early in the marriage, you are now low lido. Tell him that children and sleep are now your priorities; that you dread meals and date nights; you dread any intimacy at all. Tell him you would rather fall asleep watching TV than spend time with him. Tell him it spoils an otherwise perfect day together if later he wants to have sex. Tell him you won’t be reserving even 30 minutes on a wednesday, that you are fine with him feeling rejected. Tell him you are willing to reject his advances for 4 weeks and more. If I sound judgmental, all of the preceding statements are direct quotes from your postings.

Your H needs to know the honest truth. Then he can make an informed decision on how to proceed. Maybe he will learn his lesson and stop “sulking” (which I will 100% admit is childish and not sexy behavior). Or maybe he will learn a different lesson entirely. Maybe he will learn that he is now in a sexless marriage. Maybe he will decide to stop meeting your needs, given that you make no effort to meet his. Maybe he will join Ashley Madison like 45 Million other sexually frustrated husbands.

I am not saying those are justified lessons for him. But you need to understand that your marriage is following a very common pattern, where divorce/cheating are a very common outcome.

Technically, you are “right” in that his sulking is imperfect behavior. But ask yourself what’s more important: to be “right” or to be “happy” ?

marathon - you made a valuable post. I totally agree that absolute honesty is crucial.

Brightling - I am pleased you feel you have made progress. I genuinely hope you have.

You have to honestly talk to him, he has to talk to you.

No one on here knows you, him or the answer to this. Most of the people replying here don't even understand or acknowledge the problem. Oh poor little husband why can't he just have a wank.

The echo chamber is going to tell you he's "vile", a rapist, etc. If it were the other way round they'd be telling you he's having an affair or using prostitutes.

No one comes to places like this to spread the joy of their happy relationships. A lot of people are on here because of bad relationships, they get told their partner is vile, get assimilated into the collective, eventually telling other struggling people that their partner is a vile rapist. They hate men and want you to hate men too.

And the resources out there for men are even worse! They don't even pretend like or respect women, they think that's the whole problem. You gotta "treat 'em mean". You gotta "lay down the law".

Hope that he hasn't started looking for help on line.

Don't sit there ignoring him, tapping away at your phone.. TALK TO HIM

Fucking hell, this thread...

Please be honest with your husband!
Why do you assume she hasn't been honest?

Tell him that although you had a normal libido early in the marriage, you are now low lido.
Yes, and she's quite clear that a large part of that is due to beastfeeding and tiredness from looking after babies/young children. Whilst of course there are no guarantees, chances are it will come back. The OP has been quite clear that she doesn't think this is for ever.

Tell him that children and sleep are now your priorities; that you dread meals and date nights; you dread any intimacy at all. Tell him you would rather fall asleep watching TV than spend time with him. Tell him it spoils an otherwise perfect day together if later he wants to have sex.
Yes, she should tell him this, except you miss out the crucial factor which is that it has been his constant expectation of sex after doing anything nice that has made her dread it.

Tell him you won’t be reserving even 30 minutes on a wednesday, that you are fine with him feeling rejected.
The one doesn't follow the other. And you are basically advocating a "lay back and think of England" approach. Which to be honest it fucked up, and the last thing I would want a partner to be doing. The OP knows that it is hard on her DH, it is his reaction and how that is making her want sex less that she is wanting advice on. And she's here! Talking about the situation, realising that it needs sorting out. That's hardly being 'fine'.

Tell him you are willing to reject his advances for 4 weeks and more.
Or rather, tell him that constant badgering makes her feel uncomfortable and less likely to want sex.

If I sound judgmental, all of the preceding statements are direct quotes from your postings.
No, you've twisted every little last thing the OP has said. I'm not quite sure why.

Your H needs to know the honest truth. Then he can make an informed decision on how to proceed. Maybe he will learn his lesson and stop “sulking” (which I will 100% admit is childish and not sexy behavior). Or maybe he will learn a different lesson entirely. Maybe he will learn that he is now in a sexless marriage. Maybe he will decide to stop meeting your needs, given that you make no effort to meet his. Maybe he will join Ashley Madison like 45 Million other sexually frustrated husbands. I am not saying those are justified lessons for him. But you need to understand that your marriage is following a very common pattern, where divorce/cheating are a very common outcome.
That's right people, if your partner has an affair it's your fault for not putting out enough.

Technically, you are “right” in that his sulking is imperfect behavior. But ask yourself what’s more important: to be “right” or to be “happy”?
So to be happy she has to have sex when she doesn't want to? Yeh, that'll work.

And Brightling, just in case you are still reading, though I would hardly blame you if you're not, I'd like to say thank you.

Being in a similar position to your husband it has been very valuable seeing it from the other side more. Though I had realised a lot of it before (mainly through fucking up how I was dealing with the situation), it has reinforced to me that if I want to have a more mutually healthy physical relationship with my wife I need to back off, and show her that I value her and want intimacy without necessarily having to have sex.