Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

And he shouldn't have to be celibate. he isn't ....

huskylover You withdrawing doesn't excuse your ex's infidelity & please don't insinuate that if the op's dh cheats, it is her fault.

I was sex free for a few years with dh, he had anxiety and was on meds for it, as a result, we barely had sex (at one point, at his lowest, it was once that entire year). I tried everything, and finally accepted that this would be my life. I left for a short period, and we managed to sort it out.

What I didn't do, however, was cheat on him. Because I knew that that would solve NOTHING.

Cheating is NOT a way to fix this, and anyone using that as an excuse it is a wanker, imo.

Thank you different. If he decides to cheat or seek physical affection elsewhere rather than work through it with me then I would happily wave him goodbye because for me his choice speaks volumes.

You're welcome Brighting

Your situation bought to mind a incident that my colleague had a few years ago. We had a social gathering at work, both her & another colleague got tipsy (think too much to drive, but not drunk enough to not know what they were doing) and ended up having (completely consensual) sex at her house (both single, btw)

They repeated the 'encounter' a week or so later, (sober) but female colleague decided that it wasn't going to be something she wanted to go anywhere, and she told colleague that.

For months, he pestered her for a repeat performance, would grab at her as she walked passed him, made innuendo, sent her message via our intranet system asking for blow jobs etc, threatening to tell their boss that her work was slipping, she was being rude to clients etc, unless she slept with him again. Eventually she went to HR about the harassment.

I doubt anyone on here would say that what the male colleague did was OK, but some seem to think what your dh is doing is ok, because you are married. It isn't. Just because you are in a relationship, made vows etc, he has as much right to treat you the way he does, as the male colleague had.

NONE.

I'm nodding my head in agreement reading that different and as a PP said (sorry can't remember who maybe it was anotherEmma) if it were a friend of yours or a sister or relative who told you my situation I doubt the advice given would be "well you'll have to have sex with him because he's your husband and he's wanting sex and just because your libido is low is no excuse that he shouldn't have his needs met regardless of how you are feeling". Of course you'll always get one person who will say that.

It's not just about sex. It's about feeling rejected and unwanted. That's why cuddling my dh did so much to repair things when we fell in this trap. He thought if I loved him I would want to be physically intimate, so took my loss of interest in that as a sign of loss of interest in him. You can ignore that if you want and feel like you have the moral high ground because of course no one should be forced to have sex against their will, but it isn't as simple as that. Your needs are not the only needs, his desire to connect with you is not in itself wrong. The way he is going about it is!

That is why different 'S story is not so relevant. That couple were not people bound together in law in a committed relationship trying to bring up a family. I'm not saying your dh is going about things correctly, of course not, but it is not wrong of him to desire you sexually.

I agree with squashy if you see your husband in the same way as the man in different's story then you urgently need help because that is no way for your life partner to either treat you or for you to feel like he is treating you.

One way is to communicate your problems which you have said you are going to do. I cannot see how this thread can give you any more then it has already done. Most peole on this thread would say to a friend or relative exactly what they have said here. Some of those points of view you may not agree with, it doesn't mean they're wrong. Your husband needs to see the situation from your point of view but in order for that to happen you are going to need to see where he is coming from as well. Because unless he is a selfish and uncaring arse he us not deliberately trying yo hurt you. Without that understanding of each other it will difficult to move forward.

Another option is getting marriage guidance which usually helps those who admit they have a problem and who are willing to seek a solution that is not emotionally or physically damaging to one or both partners.

Just leave him. Clearly you are incompatible! He wants sex. You do not. End the marriage and both of you can seek compatible partners.

marathon - if the OP and her DH did not own a house and have children I am quite sure he would have left already.

That is what is forgotten in these type of threads. The high libido partner is always in the position of being trapped if they have children. The low libido partner can hold a gun to their head, refuse to make any effort to address or find out the reasons for their lack of libido and demand complete silence on the matter and place the whole blame on the high libido partner who is left with nowhere to go but remain silent or leave.

I often wonder who is the bully in that situation.

Thank you for all your comments. Squashy I agree about the feeling rejected is hard. As I have said before it's not that I don't want sex ever. It's low drive at the moment for various reasons and it's how he is treating me when I decline that is pushing me further away. We did try to talk last night but he got cross and as much as he was hearing my words he wasn't listening iyswim.

So as not to frustrate everyone on here by continuing the thread I shall thank you all again and bid you a good day.

"That is what is forgotten in these type of threads. The high libido partner is always in the position of being trapped if they have children. The low libido partner can hold a gun to their head, refuse to make any effort to address or find out the reasons for their lack of libido and demand complete silence on the matter and place the whole blame on the high libido partner who is left with nowhere to go but remain silent or leave.

I often wonder who is the bully in that situation."

God. That's really twisted.

The only thing you can do is to keep trying. Ask him why he's getting cross. If he does get cross ask him to come back and talk when he's calm because you urgently need to talk, i can feel your desperation in your posts.

"We did try to talk last night but he got cross and as much as he was hearing my words he wasn't listening iyswim."

Sorry to hear that, OP What do you want to do next? Are you going to keep trying to talk to him?

Sorry if you've mentioned it before but do you have anyone in RL you can talk to about the situation?

Anyone who stays married for their children is neither traped nor bullied, they are making a choice because they believe that having two parents together is better for children than their own happiness.
A lot of people stay married because like the OP they have hope that the situation will improve, not because they are trapped. In abusive relationships there is bullying, in most normal marriages there are just mismatched experiences/expectations.

Perseus
"I spoke too harshly to you. What I wrote reflects the pain and sadness that this issue has caused me for too many years."
Exactly. Like others on this thread, you have been projecting, and because of that you have misinterpreted the situation and been unnecessarily harsh to the OP. But your apology means fuck all if you then go on to say (as you have done) that it's the OP and not her partner who is being a bully. That's complete bollocks. It's not helpful in any way.

Brightling - I am afraid the reaction you got from your DH was entirely predictable. You do need to talk to him again of course. However, have you heard of the concept of talking to someone in a way that that will make them listen?

First, a practical point. Hoping your DH will listen while wound up with sexual frustration like a coiled spring in a sea of raging testosterone is not going to work.

I suggest you talk after you have next had sex and that should be when you feel up to it of course and no one including me is saying it should be any sooner than that but he will be much more relaxed and receptive.

Second, you need to adopt a tone that is conciliatory, acknowledge how hurt he is, reassuring he is loved and asking him to work with you on a series of steps so you can both reach a happier place. Not a perfect place but a happier place. I suggested a list of things above. It doesn't have to be that list. It has to be something you both agree - but not just a "I am doing my best but you need to back off" message. You also need to let him talk. Not issue a series of instructions to him.

I strongly suggest you don't use the tone and language you have used on this thread. The no compromise "my way or the highway" approach is just going to antagonise. You would not accept that from him and he will not accept it from you.

You have my sympathies op as that sounds horrendous, especially when you try to communicate and it's rejected. My dh and myself used to have similar sex drives but over the years mine has varied. It is not due to loss of love or attraction just hormones, circumstances and tiredness a lot of the time. The difference is my dh listens to me and treats me as a loving partner who has to be actively involved in sex so we both enjoy ourselves.

He is up for it 24/7 but understands that I'm not. He, what feels to me, pesters me sometimes but we laugh about it if I'm not in the mood. He doesn't realise he's doing it till I laughingly point it out then he turns into a goof about it. I find this attractive, and would absolutely not find sulking attractive at all. In fact, it would most definitely get my hackles up.

I can also tell him when I don't want a cuddle as I've explained that it's nothing personal against him, I'm just not feeling it at that moment. I'm grateful I've got such a secure dh who understands and respects my wishes and that we can laugh about our differences. Yes, he gets frustrated sometimes but talks to me about it, not to get me to do anything about it, just in a way we talk about anything that's frustrating us.

Perseus You're unbelievable. Your posts get worse and worse.

Perseus It hasn't even occurred to you, has it, that HE is responsible for his own reaction?!
In your crazy world it has to be the OP's fault. If he reacted badly it must be because she picked the wrong time to discuss or used the wrong words or the wrong tone.
What a nasty person you are.
If you can't support and empathise with the OP you should stop posting.

Perseus
"You need to let him talk. Not issue a series of instructions to him."
Your posts have been nothing but a series of instructions to the OP (and/or criticisms). So this comment is hypocritical to say the least.

Poor Perseus, you seem to be among those who think that men must be excused bad behaviour because they can't help it, poor loves.

Most of us, op included, seem to think that men are equal adults, and are responsible for themselves.

Perseus is trying to help Emma, you are also trying to help. Everyone is different, it's unfair to think someone is trying to be rude and nasty just because their opinion is different to yours.

if the ops dh had a bit of sense and wasnt being an idiot, he'd stop sulking when she says no, and instead accept it and then talk to her about it another time sensibly.

At the moment he's just being the architect of his own misery

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