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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexually frustrated Husband

988 replies

Brightling · 23/03/2016 20:29

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

OP posts:
BoatyMcBoat · 31/03/2016 23:40

Brightling, I think you have explained things very well and like Anyfucker, I think that those who don't get it, aren't going to, so don't bother yourself trying to explain any more.

It is a vicious circle. If he can be brought to understand that his behaviour keeps that circle turning more and more, then both of you will be OK, and find your way through it. You're still bfing, you're knackered, he sulks and he has unkind expectations. If he can accept "no" gracefully, then the no will turn into a yes more quickly.

I do think that counselling will help you, not least because it is likely that he will realise that his wants are not your responsibility and don't trump your needs. I have been where you are, and I know that just giving in to keep a dh sweet is not the answer, not if you want to look at yourself in the mirror the next day.

Counselling, try couple counselling, and perhaps individual concurrently. Good luck.

NameChange30 · 31/03/2016 23:43

Boaty
"I think you have explained things very well and like Anyfucker, I think that those who don't get it, aren't going to, so don't bother yourself trying to explain any more."

Actually it was me who said that. Is it childish to claim the credit?! Oh well! Grin

AnyFucker · 31/03/2016 23:55

Emma said that, not me

Op, I get you too. And I don't have to even have "been there" in order to do so. I believe no means no and only an enthusiastic yes means yes. No matter what the situation.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/04/2016 01:42

Sorry Blush

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 03:06

I asked a question of the OP a while ago, but I don't think she answered it. And I guess she won't be back now.

Perhaps others could answer it:

What should a sexually frustrated spouse do if he/she wants to have more sex with their partner?

If you are the low drive partner, what would you want your spouse to do?

Keepithidden · 01/04/2016 05:48

Thanks for the support Helena and AF. Still working out the repercussions of my own thought processes, but that maybe for another thread, probably in FWR!

IdealWeather - Thanks for the further explanations, and also the support, I hope you and your H are in a happy place.

Brightling - No advice from me I reckon you've had quite a bit already. Not sure I can add anything anyway. I think your posts are pretty detailed and not especially open to misintepretation, HD/LD relationship issues often seem to polarise opinion.

Joysmum · 01/04/2016 07:44

What should a sexually frustrated spouse do if he/she wants to have more sex with their partner?

There in the wording lies the problem in my experience.

You phrase it as wanting sex with their partner rather than seeking a closer relationship with more mental intimacy which might lead to more sex. The problem is lack of sex, not the thoughts and feelings of the partner which leads to there being a physical expression of love.

You phrase it as the partner being an object to be fucked, rather than a human being who wants to be loved, not fucked.

Physical love comes from a state of mind, having sex is just fucking for the physical pleasure of it.

Allowing your partner to have more sex with you makes you feel like you are being used to be fucked and takes you further away from feeling loved and cherished and feeling less lived makes you want to express that less often because there's less to express.

Of course, I can only speak for me in my past. I have a past that made our early relationship very unstable. It's not a medical lack of libido, but a lack of libido from a mental block in my case.

DH has always seen my odd times (for want of a better phrase) triggered by things that are nothing to do with him as a sign I'm not at equilibrium and he's more upset for me, than at me because of lack of sex! His priority is to get me back to feeling ok again. There's no mention of sex.

Of course there's many different reasons why sex isn't happening, so there are many different answers. That's just mine relating to me in my marriage.

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 08:43

I phrased it in two ways, joysmum. For specific reasons.

When you say his priority is to 'get you back to feeling ok', what is he actually doing?

Can any low drive partners share what their spouses could do to ensure their sexual needs are met, or are closer to being met?

Can the high drive partner be proactive in any way, or must it necessarily be driven 100% by the low drive partner?

I've reached the conclusion that sex is not something that can be compromised on, ever. The low drive partner simply should never be expected to have sex they don't 100% want. End of story.

I'd be really interested to hear otherwise.

Original poster
Brightling · 01/04/2016 09:54

Joysmum you've totally read my mind. That is exactly what I have been trying to say.

Stoic sorry for not answering your question. For me and only me it boils down to communicating and feeling loved rather than it being all about sex. When I'm feeling loved then my libido is much higher as I'm happy and content. When I'm feeling as though it's about what I can provide physically and only that it's a huge turn off as is a sulking partner when I decline their advances.

What do you suggest happens?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 01/04/2016 10:12

Honestly? I don't think there is anything a person can do to increase someone else's libido in a long-term relationship.

I believe it's hormonal. I think libido will only ever come back in its own time...if at all. And all the genuine loving kindness from another person can't change that.

Brightling If your libido increases when you feel more loved, do you know what your husband could specifically do to make you feel more loved? It's obvious what he shouldn't be doing, which is exactly what he is doing now!

If you could actually tell him what you need, what would it be?

Joysmum · 01/04/2016 10:18

My hubby is very attentive, but adaptive in his attentiveness. Sometime I need to feel, safe, secure, loved and valued. At others I need to be given a bit of space. He reads my body language and reactions to know the difference but is patient and doesn't take it personally or try to rush me.

NameChange30 · 01/04/2016 10:20

I disagree actually, I think there are things you can do to increase libido. Reduce stress as much as possible, get more sleep, do exercise, spend quality time together... And having more sex usually increases libido, although that's a bit "chicken and egg" of course.

And if someone's libido is low because of breastfeeding and/or looking after children, you don't actually have to do anything - just be patient and wait until the kids are older, then things should naturally improve. If you wanted you could also help things along eg by making child-free time a priority, but that means having the support and/or funds for childcare to be taken care of... And both parents have to be comfortable with it, it would be unfair to force a mother to leave her children so she could have sex with her partner if she didn't actually want to!

Of course if you've done all those things and libido doesn't improve then I don't thing you should force it, no. At that point they may have to consider ending the relationship if the HL partner is still unhappy and frustrated.

NameChange30 · 01/04/2016 10:21

*think

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 10:26

Thanks, joysmum.

I was also just about to ask...If you (general 'you') did have to tell your partner what you needed emotionally, wouldn't it then be a case of becoming suspicious that they were only doing those things to 'get' sex?

Is there a way of communicating needs that wouldn't lead to that suspicion?

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 10:29

Reduce stress as much as possible, get more sleep, do exercise, spend quality time together

Oh I agree there are lifestyle changes that can increase your own libido. I just don't believe there is anything one person can do to increase someone else's.

NameChange30 · 01/04/2016 10:31

But surely you can help the other person do those things?

aire · 01/04/2016 10:38

My issue with lots of this is that it seems to be down to the higher drive one to do all the running, and just live in hope that the situation improves. Of course the higher drive one should be showing that they care about, love and value their partner. But so should the lower drive one, and they should also recognise that it is bloody hard for their partner if there is little/much reduced sex. Just having some empathy for each other goes a long way.

People aren't mind readers, and aren't always going to know the best way forward, and sometimes it needs spelling out to them. I don't know how much the OP has explained to her DH about how he is making her feel. If she has gone through it all and he just doesn't get it then that's a bigger problem.

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 10:45

Yes, definitely. And hopefully those things lead to a change in hormones, and an increase in libido. But even if it led to an increase in libido, it may not lead to sex.

I think the link between letting someone get more sleep (for example) and more instances of sex is tenuous. Especially when the low drive spouse suspects that's why their partner is 'helping'.

Can anyone, such as joysmum, describe what their spouse has done that has actually led to an increase in sex?

When the HD husband seeks advice, he's usually asked 'so how much do you do around the house?'

I think it's a myth that the two are related at all.

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 10:46

^first para to anotheremma

aire · 01/04/2016 10:55

"When the HD husband seeks advice, he's usually asked 'so how much do you do around the house?'

I think it's a myth that the two are related at all."

I agree, and get depressed with how regularly that trope comes out. I do my share around the house, and with the kids, because they are my responsibility too and if I didn't I'd be being an arse. Not because I want some action.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2016 11:06

The reason that trope gets trotted out so regularly is because it is depressingly common for the female to be doing the lion's share of the shitwork. Any read of the relatio ships board will tell you that.

TheStoic · 01/04/2016 11:10

When a HD wife seeks advice, she is told (more often than not, I believe) that it's got nothing to do with her, it's his problem. Maybe porn, etc.

Sometimes she is told to spice things up to get his attention, but that advice is usually sent swiftly back to 1950.

In a nutshell - there is nothing one spouse can do to increase the sex drive of the other. And the sooner we accept that, the better.

aire · 01/04/2016 11:12

I don't disagree AF. It is the link between sex and housework that I dislike though. Makes sex seem all very transactional. And I don't think it is particularly true.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2016 11:18

The problem is that if you have a lazy feck who makes your life more difficult then you are not going to fancy shagging him.

Resentment is a passion killer, for sure

emotionwreckage · 01/04/2016 11:42

Not sure if this has been mentioned anywhere on here but feeling like Brightling does can be due to past sexual abuse. That feeling of being used and only seen as a sexual being. Very damaging if that continues. What would be the answer to that? Also, if lack of libido is due to menopause. No amount of anything is going to solve that. Where does that leave the poor woman? What is she supposed to do? It's a no win situation. Horrible.