Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Clearly she has closed down sexually, different, because she's sabotaging date nights just in case they lead to sex. That's not right.

As for "him only wanting to use her body to satisfy his needs" - he just wants a normal healthy happy intimate relationship with his wife, and she's blocking any chance of that by refusing to go to therapy.

What else is he supposed to do, scallops? OP refuses to go to therapy and wrecks their date nights! I get the feeling she wants to end the marriage but doesn't want to be seen as the "baddie", so she just keeps sabotaging things and making his life miserable until he can't bear it any more and walks out. I hope I'm wrong.

different If my DD kept telling me she didn't want or enjoy sex with her DH, I would not tell her to stay with him, sabotage date nights, refuse therapy and constantly brush him off. I would tell her that the relationship no longer sounds like any fun, for either of them, and that if they can't reach a compromise on sex, that it's time to go their separate ways.

We're never going to agree on this thread. Thing is, some people have high libido's and some do not. In a relationship where two people are mis-matched, without compromise from either party, it's going to go tits up (excuse the pun). So, if one person would like sex 3 times a week, and the other once a month, the compromise (imo) would be to really try to fit it in, once a week. That's a compromise from both parties. If one party won't budge at all, it not only shows that they really don't care about their Partner enough to try, but it's their way or the Highway. In which case, I don't see how the marriage will survive.

I really hope in this case, that when the toddler is older, things will get back on track. I certainly can't see the Op's DH still living with this sexual frustration for several years to come. Sounds miserable.

I don't think there can be a compromise in mismatched libidos. The low drive partner will end up having sex they don't want and the damage that entails. As expressed by previous posters.

The only way though is for the higher drive partner to "suck it up" IMO, that and communicate constantly the reasons, from both parties involved. If that doesn't work, split.

Simple enough to write down of course a lot more difficult to actually do.

Really you can't think of a single thing this guy could do beyond whining, sulking and blaming his behaviour on her?

Here's a radical idea - why not a date night with sex completely off the table. Or how about he puts the children to bed and then doesn't shout out her for not having sex and thereby risk waking the children. Or how about he treats her like a person not a sex object?

Again she isn't imagining that he will pester and harass for sex at the end of a date night. This is what he does. No wonder she feels tense. No wonder she doesn't enjoy them. They aren't for her. They are for him.

"I feel like he doesn't even see Me anymore. The end goal being to have sex. End of."
"I can't even cuddle him without him making a lewd suggestion because he is frustrated. Not attractive. It can never be just a cuddle as he will get disappointed (read sulky) when I reject his inevitable advances..."
"I would also like to be able to shower/bathe/get undressed without having to explain/justify why I'm not in the mood for intimacy. I can feel the eyes on me without even turning round."

That's his behaviour. And you think he couldn't do any more? I think you've got a low bar for men's behaviour.

Oh I missed this bit: "making his life miserable until he can't bear it any more and walks out." Words fail. He's the one doing the harassing, sulking, whining and she's making his life miserable.

I think you are just being goady now.

If my partner said to me "you don't want to have sex with me, you're fucked up, you need therapy" it would not make me want to have sex with him or go to couple's therapy.
If my partner said to me "I'm unhappy about our sex life and I'd like us to work on improving our relationship. I think couple's therapy might help, what do you think?" I would be very happy to go to therapy.

The OP is in the first scenario but some PPs are accusing her of refusing to go to therapy as if her partner had suggested it as in the second scenario.

He is being a nasty bully about the whole thing. This thread seems to be divided into people who have acknowledged that and people who refuse to do so - or maybe those people think it's ok to be a nasty bully if you're feeling sexually frustrated and rejected

theres a big fucking difference between those who are suggesting she just puts out and has sex with him whether she wants to or not (eugh) and those who are suggesting that if sex has dwindled so much that its making one partner really unhappy, that its worth working out ways to bring sex back on the table enthusiastically for ALL, and actually communicating about it with a view to improving the relationship.

I wholeheartedly agree with this Branleuse. The only way to do that is to communicate openly and with sincerity. It would work for many couples.

I suspect this is beyond her DH as he will have an agenda to have sex at any cost and by any means and a discussion will be a way he can manipulate her.
If he can't change his attitude, then no progress can be made.

False advertising. You know, you're all kind of right.

When I met my OH he worked 9-5 and loved to cook him and I a delicious steak dinner. And I bloody love steak.

We dated, moved in together and got engaged and one of the things I loved about our relationship was steak dinners. He continued making steak dinners when he could.

We got married and he changed jobs and works shifts now and he has unilaterally decided not to make me steak dinners anymore. He says he's tired after wworking longer hours.

It's not fair because I might have thought twice about signing up for a lifelong commitment if I knew dinners would be much less often than they were when he had more time.

He's told me if I really need steak that much I could cook it for myself, but it's not the same. I feel like he loves me and cherishes me when he spends an hour cooking me a really nice sit down dinner.

I'm so frustrated. His shifts mean he's wrecked in the evenings and he just wants us to cook a quick stir fry and get everything in order for the next day so he can get enough sleep to function properly the next day.

But I think if he loved me and cared about my need to feel desired and cherished and fancied, he'd forgo 45mins of relaxing/sleeping time every few days and cook us a steak like he used to.

It's upsetting me so much that the other day when he said we could have fish and chips for dinner I told him I was going to go to my friend John's for steak, as he's always said he'd be happy to make me one.

I don't lnow whether to laugh or cry at the suggestion of coming to a compromise and having sex once a week if you only want it once a month and your partner wants a lot more.

When you have a low or no libido you do not want sex. Neither the gith of your partner or anyone else turns you on. Being touched does not turn you on and being touched in "erogenous zones" is just really fucking annoying, even ticklish.

It's not that you choose to not have sex with your partner. It's not that you're selfishly saving all your sexual energy for someone else or keeping it to yourself. It's the fact that you do not want sex. You do not want sex at all.

gith?

Sight.

Think this is one of the most thought provoking threads in a long time. scallops makes a great point & I loved Ayes steak analogy. Just different priorities I guess.

Do people on here really believe that giving your husband a blow job once a fortnight is a mentally scarring experience. gordon bennet.

The steak analogy is pathetic, people do not get married to enter into relationships because of the cooking abilities of their partner. A better analogy would be how attracted you were to your husband's mind and how you loved talking to him, but now he says he doesn't have the time and can't really be bothered because your attempts to engage him in conversation are fucking annoying.

Any form of unwanted intimacy can be scarring I think. Sexual intimacy especially. Maybe not for everyone though.

If one party won't budge at all, it not only shows that they really don't care about their Partner enough to try, but it's their way or the Highway.

When it comes to giving full and uncoerced consent to sex then it really has to be "their way or the Highway". What do we think the opposite of that is ?

When it comes to giving full and uncoerced consent to sex then it really has to be "their way or the Highway". What do we think the opposite of that is ?

Exactly AF. It's a bit troubling that there are people on this thread that seem to struggle with this.

Love your post Aye

itllallbefine yes of course giving someone a blow job once a fortnight can be scarring if you don't want to do it

I'm astonished that you need that explaining to you, remember enthusiastic consent? Compare putting someone's penis in your mouth when you don't want to, to putting someones penis in your mouth when you really want to? Totally different things.

Perhaps what I am struggling to understand is that when that someone is you husband why is it so horrifying ? I have been on the other end of this and remember feeling like some unnatural freak because I wanted to have sex, i never got over the feeling that when my ex [sic] did have have sex he just did it to keep me happy. He might have said otherwise, but you know what ? reading this perhaps i was right and he just did it so that I wouldn't feel bad. In otherwords he was "coerced" Luckily i don't have dick so i wont be called the word that AnyFucker et al keep hinting at.

It seems to me that the old adage of compromise is correct, what I don't understand is what the big hang up about sex is, I'm happy to give my husband a quick hand job (sorry for TMI) before bed if suggests something, if I were not happy to do that, and indeed, i found the possibility of touching my partner intimately"scarring" then my relationship is fucked and i shouldn't be in it. For those who see sex as something upon which there is no compromise and all the power in the relationship sits with the one who wants it the least, i don't understand how you can think this is remotely healthy. Given the posts on here - what shape would a conversation take ? "I would like to have more regular sex, I really like it and I really fancy you", "Well i wouldn't and you can't make me and if you don't like it, tough". 'cos that's really gonna work.

The OP's husband's sex drive is actually a side issue. The real issue is his behaviour when he doesn't get what he wants from her.

Some of the posts on here are making me incredibly sad.

There is no "AnyFucker et al"

How bloody insulting. Have the courage of your own convictions without feeling the need to reduce others.

His behaviour is quite likely to a manifestation of the pain he feels at being constantly rejected by his wife, unless he exhibits similar behavioural traits whenever he doesn't get his own way. No one is saying he is perfect, but sadly people of all ages go into a huff when they are hurting, i'm not sure why he's being portrayed as such an utterly loathsome individual other than it fits with many peoples narrative about entitlement and "rapey" behaviour.

Oh give over - you're not really insulted at all.

I am not insulted. But there's a whole swathe of posters whose opinions you just reduced.

Who is "et al" ?

OMG reduction of opinion, the outrage.

They "reduce" their opinion pretty effectively when they just come on to say "great post AF" or "I agree with AF" - interested readers can locate those posts themselves I'm quite sure.