Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

No, OP says it's been going on for years.

Helena why did you stay?

This thread has been surreal, like an alternate universe. Poor OP came on here with a clear issue, needed support and ended up with an array of people with their own sexual agenda, little or no empathy, no idea of body autonomy.

Scary that people still hold opinions like this, that women should put their mens sexual needs above everything else in order to have a happy marriage. Did I wake up in the 1950s or netmums

I hope your're still reading this OP. You have the right to say no, to not be pestered and bullied for sex.

Isn't it funny that the people who label the Op's Husband a bully, are actually the biggest bullies on this thread? Basically hounding people off it, if they dare to have the view that sex is important. Disgusting.

There is a very clear divide here :

Women who love their DH, have a good sex life and who would not like to see their DH so unhappy.

And women who have, at some point decided they no longer fancy DH, no longer want sex with him, and that's just tough shit. "My body, my right not to be touched" Well let the poor fucker go then. Why stay together? Is he the meal ticket?

So, so so sad.

This will be my last post because I'm clearly getting much too invested in it.

My biggest issue with this thread is very much about the fact that a lot of people don't seem to go further than sex/sex drive is a physical need so can't do anything about that (but somehow no sex drive isn't and can be modified) and sex=intimacy and love (and no sex means not loved/rejected)

First of all, I would hope everyone would agree that sex doesn't equate to love. Just look at ONS, I'm sure you will agree that it's not because you have sex with someone that you love them. In the same way, why is it that if you say NO to sex then it means you don't love that person again? Why does it have to be a personal attack and a rejection?
A shift of pov from saying 'she said NO to sex therefore I feel rejected/humilated/frustrated' to 'She said No to sex, I'm wondering what is going, how is she feeling' would be a good start, ie if she saying No to sex then it says something about HER not about YOU.

Then sex drive. Can people really say that sex drive/libido is something you can fine tuned as you please? Is it something that will always be high enough to have sex once a week for the rest of your life regardless of life events just because 'you love your DH so really cannot imagine not having sex with him'?
I'm pretty sure that it's easy to find lots of examples around us of people who saw their libido take a plunge because of exterior events (eg birth, death of relative, illness, caring for someone and being exhausted etc etc). It also happens with the pill, some medications etc... These are all people who still dearly love their DH but their libido is low and they don't want sex.
There is no direct
I love my DH therefore I have a high enough libido therefore I want sex with him regularly.

Love is about intimacy. And intimacy is about trust and being authentic/yourself.
Yes to have a good sex life you need the trust and the possibility to be authentic. But yet again, this is not only about what happens between the bedsheets. It is much more than that and there is no way that you can want to have sex or have nice sex if these elements aren't present in your everyday life in the first place. (unless of course you reduce sex to the very physical PIV/quickie/having a release, which has its place but it cannot be just that all the time in a LT relationship imo)

If the OP wanted to solve the issue about the no sex life, she would need to tackle every one of those before even starting to talk about having sex again. And they would need to do a lot of work because I suspect that trust and the ability of be authentic (who wants to show themselves to be vulnerable to someoone if you feel that they are going to use it against you?) has been broken on both sides. And then maybe if there are an external issues that may be affecting her libido (these migt not be solved though, eg the feeling of being touched all day with young dcs will only go away with time)

But I'm wondering, is it even possible if her DH believes that it is not possible for her to NOT want sex with him because she loves him = she wants sex and therefore either she is purposely withdrawing sex or actually she doesn't love him enough/anymore. If he somehow believes that it's his right to have sex with his DW (very 1950s attitude btw) and if she doesn't, he is entitled to sulk and make her life a misery. See first point about making the NO all about himself rather than something abouty her libido.

xpost with sunshine

read my post and think about the last category.

THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEIR DH BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON HAVE A LOW LIBIDO AND DO NOT WANT SEX WITH ANYONE

Yoour post is exactely what this whole thread is about for me. The fact that someghow this last categoiry opf women just do not seem to exist or to be allowed to exist :(:(

Great point sunshinesummer

I think they need to talk, out of the house & out of their normal environment & just break this chain or decide to split. If I was constantly being rejected, having any plans sabotaged & they were shutting down all the time, I'd be frustrated too. His threatening to leave or have an affair is just weak though. He should just do it, if it's that's bad for him.
The more he tries, the more she is going to shut down, the more she shuts down, the less inclined he'll be to do the nice things that go with a relationship. Sounds like a horrible cycle to be in. I think if she's shut down her line of communication on the subject then there is no way forward. 3 sexless weeks would be a big problem to a lot of people, not just because of the physical act but, all that entails with it, in a healthy, loving relationship. Without sex, you may as well be friends but, even that sounds difficult to the OP & her partner at the moment

I'll get flamed for this Naze but sometimes, this feels a bit like entrapment, to me.

Have a good sex life....get a ring on it.....get married....have kids....then Bam, close down sexually. False advertising? So the guy is then stuck in this relationship, with a wife and kids, but he has totally lost his sexual Partner. His only options are to settle for this bland life, or to leave, see his kids Part time and pay the ExW a chunk of his salary.

I do wonder how many marriages would go ahead, if there was a crystal ball involved.

And to whoever said 3 short weeks.....3 weeks is a long time imo.

Sunshine.

There are many women on this thread who have great relationships with their partners. Relationships full of love and respect, that works both ways. It is normal and healthy to respect each others boundaries, support each other through tough times and respect when one person says no.

Having the right to say no and have the other person respect that decision is an indicator of a healthy relationship.

Finally - Sex should always be enthusiastically consensual.

Except they are telling her to do that Total. Not in those words, of course, but the meaning is clear.

And they had sex three weeks ago. It's the bullying, abuse and coercion that's been going on for years. Why would you want to subject a woman to more of that?

When people ask "why does she stay" this is one of the reasons. Abuse is minimised or not recognised. Men's wants are put above women's happiness and needs. Women are the ones required to fix the relationship, make men happy at whatever cost necessary. Society colludes in making women stay with abusive men.

Sunshine now you are being purposefully goady. False advertising

Idealweather - your post at 8.22 sums up exactly what I feel,but you've put it much better than I could. I'm coming off this thread now but I hope everything goes well for you - you are a genuinely empathetic thoughtful person.

Yep it's entrapment and false advertising alright. Just not in the way sunshine thinks.

To turn it around, sunshine, why become so deeply involved with someone if you're going to turn around and play the poor me act as soon as a relationship hits a stage where circumstances collude to push sex down the agenda? If you don't have the ability to weather that storm and be respectful to a partner about the fact that you haven't got your end away for a few weeks, then maybe committing to a potentially life long relationship isn't for you.

'Well let the poor fucker go then. Why stay together? Is he the meal ticket? '

That!

By all means have authonomy over your body. Noone is telling you not to. But you definitely can't have your cake and eat it without paying the price. A sexless marriage by force will always end in disaster. One way or another.

theres a big fucking difference between those who are suggesting she just puts out and has sex with him whether she wants to or not (eugh) and those who are suggesting that if sex has dwindled so much that its making one partner really unhappy, that its worth working out ways to bring sex back on the table enthusiastically for ALL, and actually communicating about it with a view to improving the relationship.

Except he doesn't seem to want to do that Branleuse. He just prefers to bully and sulk.

What about the OPs happiness? What is he doing to ensure that?

Come on scallops, he's bending over backwards to make OP happy and she just hates him more for it. For "bully and sulk" read "desperate and humiliated". She's the one who's refusing therapy!

How is he bending over backwards to make her happy?

And she isn't refusing therapy. She's questioning his motives surrounding that. When someone throws back at you that you need therapy because you said no to sex you are probably right to question their motives.

scallops:

“He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.”

“He is insisting on therapy but in my maybe cynical mind can't help but think that all he is focused on getting his rocks off again.”

He's right that the reason they need therapy is because sex has become such a problem for them both. And there probably are underlying issues as well that therapy might also be able to help with. But for some reason she refuses to get that help - which looks a bit like more sabotage.

its not about coercing someone. Its about looking at ways to improve the relationship Sulking is coercive. It's also pathetic. Children sulk. Grown adults should not sulk, and do not come across as attractive when they do. Would I want to have sex with someone who acts like they are 5? No thanks.

Him threatening an affair is also coercion.

Suggesting that the op is driving her dh to an affair is unfair. If he has an affair, it isn't because the op doesn't have sex with him as often as he likes, it's because he is a massive wanker.

So for all those who think "sulking could mean anything" Instead of saying the dh is sulking, let's say he is being coercive.

If having sex with your DH is revolting and ridiculous, then you're not in a good marriage. Perhaps you need to read posts better...she said your IDEA was revolting & ridiculous, not that sex with a partner was!

This kind of sabotage must just crush his spirit and self-esteem. And him only wanting to use her body to satisfy his needs will be crushing her spirit & self esteem.

Isn't it funny that the people who label the Op's Husband a bully, are actually the biggest bullies on this thread? So you feel like you are being hounded off the thread? Because that is how the op feels by her dh - bullied, harassed, hounded, coerced. And those of you on here are just an extension of him with your "just do it" "you'll like it if you do it" Also, as I said above, you need to take more time to read what is being written, because you are either VERY good at completely twisting what we are saying, or you cannot read what is being said.

No one is objecting to anyone thinking that sex is important, not at all...we are disagreeing with those who are trying to coerce the op into having sex she doesn't want, with loaded & crap sentences like this My body, my right not to be touched .. so do you really think that no woman has a right to say no?

The op hasn't closed down sexually. It just isn't happening as often as she would like. Think about this sunshine...if your daughter comes home & tells you that he dh is forcing her into sex by threatening to have an affair, would you claim she trapped him? How about f she suffered birth injuries & couldn't have sex, would to implore her to keep having sex, other wise she has trapped her dh?
How about she comes home one night to say that she had sex with her dh that she didn't want to have, because he was pressuring her? While she sat sobbing on your shoulder, would you tell her that it was her duty as a wife to have sex when her dh wanted, that her not wanting sex as often was unreasonable?

I hope not, because every woman deserves better than to live in a marriage/relationship where their partner thinks he has anytime dibs on her body.

It just isn't happening as often as he would like

So he's making meals with an end goal of having sex. How is that bending over backwards to make her happy? That is him trying to make him happy. She isn't imagining that he will want sex at the end of the evening. Experience has taught her what to expect. Along with the nagging and the sulking. And the making out its her problem and she needs therapy.

Remind me again why she doesn't want to go for therapy?