Worried/Scared, advice please.

[RyVeeta]

Going to see someone about the emotional abuse I have been coping with, with an aim to leaving in due course. I'm not terribly good at explaining things and am concerned it'll all just sound trite and trivial. Would it be an idea to print off some of my threads from here to take. I'm far better expressing myself in writing and they would hopefully make it clear how long it's been going on and to what extent. I'm really worried I'll be dismissed or told that I am heartless because of dh's disabilities. It's taken me years to get to this point and I don't want to mess it up now.
Thank you.

Yes!, an excellent idea just take them as note's to refer to in case you forget anything. Hope it goes well:-)

Remember you don't need an excuse to leave...if it's bad enough for you that's reason enough.

Thank you. I shall take them with me.
I am not very well today which means it isn't going to be a good day. He's already pointed out that he is in constant pain, in other words mine is nothing. I'm just really run down and a cuppa would have been nice.
Oh well.

I've had a look at some of your past posts RyVeeta and also the replies and advice that posters have given you before.

I think it's a good idea for you to see someone who you can talk to one to one.

What I would like to impress on you now though is that you don't need anyone else to validate your feelings. You don't have to get a second opinion or have 'permission' to leave. You really don't have to explain yourself and be considered to be doing the right thing. The right person will help you explore your feelings and gain in confidence, they shouldn't be judging you at all.

Your feelings are true to you. It's clear that you're worn down and have been for some considerable time. You're not facing life problems with support and love from your partner, the marriage itself is one of those problems.

Good luck with finding the right path for you and your DDs for a better future. Keep talking here for support if you think it'll help

Thank you Enrique. That's very much appreciated.

Yes take the print outs, you must feel like you've been through the wringer once, taking them with you may mean you aren't starting at the first step again, good luck

Wow, what a great weekend. Had a paddy yesterday because dd pointed out I was ill. That was dealt with by stomping off to bed and then on waking pretending it hadn't happened, one of many tactics. Then he got more and more ill as the evening went on and went to bed at nine. He was so very, very bad that he couldn't be left and conned ds into watching him until he fell asleep. Ds falls for this as he doesn't live here and thinks it's just dad's health anxiety. So, he gets up just now and I get him a coffee, the dog barked and he was really, really rough with him. I told him to stop and got told to shut up and fuck off. Nice. Apparently this is my fault because he is withdrawing from all his painkillers because he hasn't taken any since he went to bed last night at nine. Is it the withdrawal or is he just angry?

Angry, I would guess

He's sensing a change in you, which is why he's come off his meds, to make himself worse so you snap back into line.

Tell him the meds are there for a reason and he is to take them, or go to doc to change them. Have no sympathy.

When are you leaving? What is the hold up? You can't keep having your kids and dog exposed to this.

So, the following day, Easter Monday, he had waves of panic. Begged me to sit with him because he was convinced he was going to die due to increasing his medication. I sat with him for an hour and he didn't doze off. I was frantically thinking of things to calm him. Got dd to make him a drink and popped to the shop for some essentials. Whilst that was happening he informed dd that he was at the bottom of my list of priorities. (dd 19). Anyway, he slept and I felt bad and guilty and worried about how he'd cope if I left. He got up and all was quiet, watched a bit of television, he had a rant about an advert and I wasn't up to engaging on it, but we managed to move on and then I happened to point out that a name he was saying was in fact a girls name, that was it, I was an unutterable, insufferable snob. Ranting at me for my upbringing and for putting him in his place. I went to bed. He stayed up all night, again. He is obviously feeling bad, he brought me coffee in bed, which is almost unheard of (high days and holidays only) so contrition on the scene. He apparently didn't know it was easter, didn't know I'd cooked a full roast for him on Sunday (could try asking) but so angry etc. I just spent the whole day too scared to engage in case he started on something I said. I'm so near to giving up. I'm scared. I don't want any more of this but I'm frightened of what will happen if I try to go. He threatens to leave but would never carry it through. He often threatens suicide too. I do wonder if I should just batten down the hatches and ride it through. Other days I look at houses a long, long way away.
I'm sorry this sounds like self pitying shite, I'm so muddled and can't stop crying but I'm not sure why I'm crying if that makes sense. I just feel lost and as if my life is over. I don't get out socially, I have no friends, I last went to the pictures in 2012 with one of my children. I went to a restaurant earlier this year, but only because I was staying with in laws whilst taking dc on a uni visit. I go to supermarkets and do school runs. That's it. Ahh, it is self pitying shite, isn't it. Sorry.

it is NOT self pitying shite!!!!!

But you have the power to change it - you have to talk to someone and find the strength to leave. You will be amazed at how he is able to cope without you, he may even make a miraculous recovery when there is no one there to fall for his "health anxiety". It sounds like the whole family is brainwashed into believing he needs constant emotional support.

My stbxh was incapable of even paying a utility bill or arranging his own car insurance while I lived with him. Amazingly 18 months on he's managing his own finances and doing just fine!!!!

Marriage is a partnership not enslavement.
You get through all the tough and bad times together because of the good times.

You're crying and miserable because not only is there no joy in this partnership, but you're undermined, emotionally abused and see no escape or end to it (yet)

That isn't self pitying.
So, where to go from here? what to do about it?

Tough love time for you RyVeeta, sorry. Sometimes it needs to be said though.
I told you before that you didn't need anyone's permission to act upon your feelings and desires for your life, but you do need support and perhaps some encouragement.

You and your DH are both adults. You're each responsible for your own actions.

At the moment your life is miserable because of your DH's direct actions towards you and the other people you love. He has little or no inclination to change. Maybe he would change if you weren't servicing all his needs, maybe that might be the wakeup call for him to sort out his behaviour. Who knows.
His life doesn't sound too peachy either to be honest, it sounds full of hate and empty threats.

It's down to you. You hate it all, you're scared, your life makes you cry, you're in the depths and see no end to it. So what do you think you can do from here that doesn't involve putting up with it and continuing the cycle? Have you made arrangements to talk to anyone yet?
Do you need to make contact with Women's Aid Have a look at the website and familiarize yourself with how to cover your tracks online, just to be on the safe side.

Thank you everyone.
Enrique, you're exactly what I need. I do have a meeting booked next week. I just waver now and then. I guess it's 20 odd years of getting here that makes it difficult. I keep reminding myself that it was dds CAMHS team that put me in touch with the women's aid worker that I'm meeting with. I won't give up on that. I just panic that they won't be able to help.
As for his life not sounding peachy, it probably isn't. He is in pain and he does have difficulties, but as I've said before, he has choices I don't. He has never done a school run, the supermarket, a washload. He chooses not to drive, but sees that as a luxury for me. He has no friends (which also worries me)and has ensured that I have none too. I'm hoping that I will be reassured that mental health services will pick up where I've left off. He is an intelligent man but all his life has relied on others. What fucks me off is I'm an intelligent woman who should know better.
Jelly your post is reassuring too, thank you!

I'm so pleased you've taken what I wrote in the right way

My second bit of advice is to be kind to yourself. People commenting do actually understand that it's not easy for someone in your situation and being intelligent doesn't necessarily make it any easier. But do keep sight of what you've typed above. Remember what Jelly's told you about how her ex turned his life around when he had to.

Look at the big red banners you've flagged up. DH in pain, but he could choose to take his medication properly. DH has no friends and has isolated you from yours too. Massive indications of how he's controlling you.

Don't panic that WA won't be able to help, go and see before you judge. In any casse there will be help one way or another and as you said, you are intelligent and once you decide how to plan out the rest of your life, you sound very competent too. You only need to start with baby steps and as you gain your confidence back, you'll be fine and we're here for hand holding and along the way.

Bloody Vipers, you've made me snivel again, Enrique!
It has taken me a long time I looked at some of my old posts today and I've been posting about this under various names since September 2014. That in itself is scary!

This is where it gets scary. This is from a thread I started in February last year:
'Keep trying to talk, get shouted down, apparently I have all the power. He stormed off to bed on Sunday, I did tell him how badly behaved he was after he said he hated me, and how awful his behaviour is and I was pretty damned harsh. I slept downstairs. Tried talking to him yesterday, but I'm just a vicious nasty person who wants nothing more than to get rid of him.
Today he woke me up at 4am. He can't do pain quietly, he offered to sleep downstairs and I said yes, it was a trap and I got a diatribe about how he wasn't going to do it every night. Later he just says, oh it's the pills. He brought me coffee in bed at half seven, a very rare occurance and he has been quiet and pleasant until I said we needed to talk. Apparently that's stirring up a hornets nest and we'd be better off going for a nice walk together in the woods. He can't walk in the woods, he can barely walk. He is trying to show how nice he can be and we don't need to talk about it. So again, all conversation shut down. Everything on his terms. We do need to talk, this being pleasant thing will not be consistent. I'm sitting here crying, again and trying to work out where I'm being unreasonable because he says my conversations are unpleasant and I'm unkind.'
It's just going round and round, isn't it.

As for his life not sounding peachy, it probably isn't. He is in pain and he does have difficulties, but as I've said before, he has choices I don't. He has never done a school run, the supermarket, a washload. He chooses not to drive, but sees that as a luxury for me. He has no friends (which also worries me)and has ensured that I have none too. I'm hoping that I will be reassured that mental health services will pick up where I've left off. He is an intelligent man but all his life has relied on others.

This makes me really worried for you, because I don't think anyone will guarantee that mental health services will step in. But that shouldn't be a condition of you leaving. In any case, he would have to engage.

When you say he has choices you are absolutely correct, he has the choice to be abusive or not. He has the choice whether to help himself or not. He has the choice to stop blaming you for his health issues and stop taking it out on you. He is choosing to live in this misery and drag you down with him.

You are not responsible for him. You did not sign up for this. Husbands and wives nurse their spouses through all sorts, but that is not what is happening here, even though that is what he is trying to dress it up as.

It is going round and round, and no one can change it except you. It suits him as it is now, having his every need catered for and having literal witnesses to his misery. You have the choice and it sounds like you are about ready to make it. That is good. You will waver, it is incredibly difficult to do, but you CAN do it.

Can you imagine a life free of him? A life that is yours?

You're spot on Liz

Now RyVeeta have a little snivel by all means and let it out, but then think to yourself, right, I'm now going to get my arse into gear because

It's only scary if you let yourself type the same words next March. 2017.

Look at the awfulness of the past twelve months as your investment in the journey to get to where you need to be. You can't do anything about what's already gone, but you can change the future. As Liz says no one can change it but you

Now, dry your eyes.

Please believe me when I tell you that you are not responsible for him in any way once you have left him: not his mental health, nor his physical health. He is an adult and responsible for his own well-being.

Can you imagine a life free of him? A life that is yours?
On days like today, I can and I can do okay. I started off rough as hell this morning, but thanks to this place have picked up. He didn't get up until two and I went and tidied the front garden so he could have coffee and take his meds. He seemed okay but put himself back to bed at five, hence the prolific posting! It's been quiet but okay. Just pottering. Thanks everyone, knowing people have done it and are out there doing well helps. Don't know any RL folks but this really does help.
Oh, and Liz mental health services are involved, have been for the best part of 20 years.

My point was that it sounded like you were saying if those services didn't step in then you couldn't/wouldn't leave. But that him engaging in those services is not your responsibility.

I am glad that today has been OK. Though the agenda for the day has still been set by him, hasn't it? It must be incredibly difficult for you to break a pattern that has been going on for so long, but I believe that you will get there.

he sounds as if he switches from abusive to 'kind' behaviour when he thinks he has gone too far. Hope you will feel able to get free of this EA and build a better life ,op.

You can have a better life than this, and be happy. You deserve that.

And yes to printing off threads or writing down what you want to say - I work in mental health and people often give me letters or notes that say how they are feeling or what they need support with as it is easier than saying the words and gives them a chance to get their thoughts in order whilst they are alone rather than trying to say it in front of me when they can get upset and not say all the things they want to. It is a really good thing to do.

Please be patient with me, I'm still trying to process a few things. He gets DLA. So do our children. He has an 'allowance' as we agreed twenty odd years ago that I'd do the money because he's not good with it. A few times he's said he should have more, but all he uses his money for is to save up for stuff he wants. I buy his clothes, his books, his comics from the 'family' money. The family money also pays for other extras that are solely for him, eg. sports channels. The dcs pay for their going out, their clothes (apart from basics, I buy underwear and winter coats) make up etc. He has demanded half his DLA to be handed over to him. That's an extra 125 per week I need to find. No, I don't have a weekly allowance to spend as I choose, I do buy stuff I want/need. I have an inexpensive hobby that I spend on every couple of months, but it's wool. A few bits of wool, not even a tenner a month. I can probably do it but it's not going to be easy. I did print everything off and show him. He says get rid of the extra channels but he probably doesn't mean it.
I also feel guilty. I tried to withdraw and then he's lying on the bed complaining he's dying of a broken heart and that a lack of human contact is making him more ill. Help. I know this is blackmail, I know things won't improve, but in the short term I feel so guilty because he whimpers and cries. Although when you try to talk to him he couches it in terms of " I'm always in the wrong" "I don't like getting things wrong" "I can't help getting things wrong". I tried to explain that people don't want to cuddle people who don't respect them and are horrible to them and that becomes 'oh, I have to earn affection then, do I?" It always comes back to me being the abusive one in the relationship although I haven't worked out how or why, so I come away thinking it's me and then I go through it and think/hope it isn't me and I don't know where I'm at. This inevitably ends up with me going round in paranoid circles, is it me or is he trying to push me over the edge. Sorry. This is my stream of consciousness shite. Anyone patient enough to tell me to pull myself together please!

your stream of consciousness is explaining very clearly that he is playing you like a violin. Counselling will help you to sort out this EA and i expect your dcc will need counselling too. You will not change him, but you can learn how to change yourself and set yourself free.