Damn it! I wrote a long post and it didn't post :(
Bugger. It was about how I've worked my way round to having some pity for him. Pity, for the awful life he's created for himself, not an excuse though, just a reason for pity.
He is lucky to have such a caring and supportive family who love him and look after him no matter what childish tantrums he pulls. And yet, he squanders the most precious thing in the whole entire world... His family's unconditional love. It's wasteful and disgusting. And by the continual outpouring of hate and rage at you, I think he knows how vile he has become. Guilt is a powerful motivator. Unfortunately.
And this is when I had a thought in the lost post! He is surrounded by unconditional love. And he abuses it, and you. You are locked into the role of love, patience and suffering. He treats you like a piece of shit, you're his whipping boy and hostage. He is nothing but a creator of suffering, hurt and a bottomless pit of rage and greed. He has forced you to believe in a permanent 'get out of jail free' card, where he can't be held responsible for anything he says or does, because he's poorly and wahh, it's not faaair.
There are no checks on his behaviour.
He's the one who is in control here, he has created his world of cruelty and abuse. He deliberately has become his illness, to blame others and to control you.
Yes, he sounds 'broken', but there are levels of brokenness. And there are practical forces at work for many other people, factors that keep people going way beyond what they ever thought was possible.
Every day is a hellish struggle, everyday I strive to do more than my illness let's me, because I want to be more than my illness. I have to be more, for my child, to keep my home, to feed myself, to feed and clothe my child. I AM more than my illness, as that's what being a good parent is. And I choose not to be a bad parent. I choose not to damage those around me. And in the rare and wonderful moments of joy... It's always from being with my loved ones. I rail and fight against my health, I don't rail and fight against my family, how fucked up would that be?!
If I suddenly behaved like your partner, I would hurt people, I would damage my son, and ultimately, I'd also damage myself. Practically I rely on people to help me do almost everything, upset them and there would be direct consequences on the standard and reliability of care, for me and my son. And if I deliberately set out to hurt the people who love me, it's not just them who'd be unhappy, I'd be unhappy too. If I decided to stop taking medicines to make myself worse, it would limit me, and punish me, it would reduce me, diminish me.
And then I realised... I would never want to live like him.
And mentally, emotionally, I think my life is actually easier to cope with!
He lives in a world of no consequences. Because of your and his children's unconditional love, and his abuse, it doesn't matter what he does, what he says, what fresh hell he visits on you, he always gets the same in return. Unconditional love. Care. Support. Sympathy. Gentleness. (And Fear). He behaves cruelly, hurtfully, his impotent rage streams out of him. But, there's still no impact on his world. Because everyone has to make allowances, be kind, be understanding, hope for a better day tomorrow, tip toe around him... Because he's ill and you're not so you must suffer!
In a weird and crazy way, he's got all the power, and none of the power. He's created a world where he has no impact. No consequences. No cause and effect.
What adult lives like that? What adult would really want to live like that?
He's made himself no more than his disability. He's made himself less equal than other adults. Hes made himself a prisoner of his own hatred and abuse. So... I pity him.
Sorry I've gone on again! Last thought:
What happens if you changed the rules? What happens if he gets back the equality and power of every other adult? The power to effect his own surroundings and self.
You gift him cause and effect...