Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you have to be a very easy-going person to find long term love?

58 replies

LovePGtipsMonkey · 22/03/2016 20:07

Sorry for a simplistic title, and for the ramble below, but really I'm getting very disheartened about my personal/dating life.

I'm quite fussy, and when in my 20s-early 30s it didn't matter as much as I was younger/more good looking and had quite a bit of interest from men (and larger numbers available). I'm now not as young or good looking, and haev become a lot more tolerant, but I'm still fussy and don't seem to fancy/like men that easily for it to last long term.
I read this section a LOT and what have concluded is, that the happy stories seem to come from easy going women who also tewnd to habea huge familt/friends support network so really not that fussy about the man, and also usually have that sunny nature to offer.
I wonder if you considered yourself a bit of an idealist (not just in terms of a man but also wanted romance, not just companionship) and you did manage to meet the right person? I'd love to hear from those people. Or if not - do you also think that I don't have much chance without hugely lowering standards (but I don't know how to make myself do that). I really don't want to stay single for much longer - been a few years already! I was married before , years ago, but it didn't work out in the end. I'm not looking to have kids at this stage but would be happy if he had kids. I just want proper love, not just sex and companionship. It seems impossible to find something mutual - the few people I like atm are all attached already.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovePGtipsMonkey · 22/03/2016 20:09

sorry for lots of typos too!

OP posts:
Suspect · 22/03/2016 20:10

Alot of compromising yes and not necessarily laid back.

AmserGwin · 22/03/2016 20:14

I feel the same! Been single for last few years, while ex has moved on with another baby and getting married this year. I've had offers, but none that interest me. You can't make yourself like someone. Was beginning to wonder if it was just me? Watching this thread with interest Smile

LionsLedge · 22/03/2016 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanSeeForMiles · 22/03/2016 20:37

I'm the least flexible person I know, and I don't tolerate much any crap. I've always been the same, and to be honest ten years ago I was very happily living alone and single when I met my now dh.
To be honest I think it's more meeting the right person...though it took us a good few months for the power struggles to settle down because he was exactly the same as I was I think he capitulated more than me

Claraoswald36 · 22/03/2016 20:38

No in answer to the op title. It's about the right person I think. I know I'm quite awkward about a myriad of things in life. My exh thought I was too awkward and ought to let things go more. Dp seems totally unfazed and just humours my fussiness about everything.

pocketsaviour · 22/03/2016 20:39

I'm quite fussy

This is very subjective. Do you have a list of dealbreakers? Have you compared that list to your friends' lists to see whether you are actually fussy, or just reasonably selective?

There are things that are dealbreakers for me - mainly around political leanings - which other women might say were fussy, but to me are really basic. But I'm really laid back about other things which most women might say "no way!" to.

Relationships are about compromise, and if you're the sort of person who has to everything your way then you are going to look for a long time before you find someone who'll be laid back enough to do everything the way you want it. But that doesn't mean you should settle for the first man who comes along. You need to decide what's really important to you, and make a conscious decision to let the smaller stuff go.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/03/2016 20:43

It seems to me that some women are easily pleased and it's often the case that those who don't have the support network you've mentioned are more easily pleased than others.

I'm fairly easy going, but when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex I'm not desperate easily pleased and very few pass muster.

JeepersMcoy · 22/03/2016 20:47

The fact is nobody is perfect. If you want to be with someone then there will be a certain amount of compromise, you just have to be sure what you can and can't compromise on. I would say there are some things I just couldn't live with that other people seem fine with, and other things I simply don't give a damn about that some clearly feel very strongly about.

CantAffordtoLive · 22/03/2016 20:48

No. I spent my life with someone, who, even now, I am not sure loved me. I think he was a sociopath. Oh, charming, funny, kind! Even now, he does so much for me, without me even asking. :(

It confuses and upsets me. I ask myself why did he change? Was he really abusive? Was it my fault? But I am (still) a people pleaser. It doesn't matter what you do, if you are with a bastard, he will still be a bastard, no matter what you do.

I am happy with my cats. I have no desire to share my life with a man, they make too many demands, make too much work, cause uncertainty and are normally,
IME, lazy and critical. No thanks to that! :)

IamHappy1976 · 22/03/2016 20:59

I think it gets easier to sort the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, when you are clear about what you want. Since splitting with my exDP I've had two very nice relationships which I've ended because he wasn't what my life needed. Both lovely blokes. I am getting fussier as I get older. I want a shoe to fit my foot - no blisters here!

minipie · 22/03/2016 21:04

Interesting question. I think either you, or the other person, has to be generally easygoing OR willing to change. Or you each have to be easygoing about complementary things iyswim (eg if one of you has strong views about what you have for dinner then the other has to be willing to eat anything).

Neither DH or I are remotely easygoing but we got together very young and so many of our habits/preferences formed while we were already together, so no compromise required. Not helpful to you OP sorry.

HeffalumpHistory · 22/03/2016 21:42

I don't think I'd be described as easygoing. I think I'm actually quite hard work. Have few friends & family live a looong way away.
Our relationship just seems to work. I consider myself very lucky that we're together.
I think anyone can find happiness & a long term relationship, it can just take a while to find the right person to have that with

Lunar1 · 22/03/2016 21:46

No, you have to be you to find the right person. You can't be something your not for long term.

Neither me or dh is laid back but we've been happy together for ten years (apart from when he leaves toast sweat in the kitchen).

Patheticfallacy · 22/03/2016 21:46

I'm very fussy and very needy/high maintenance. I'm pretty sure I'm with the person I'll be with for the rest of my life. I don't have a big support network and I met dp when in the process of a divorce with 3 dc.
He is laid back, but incredibly stubborn. It works.

Hassled · 22/03/2016 21:52

It's not about being easy going really - it's more about a willingness to compromise, to see that there are shades of grey in everything and to acknowledge that for every time he's wrong and you're right, there is also a time you're wrong and he's right. And also perseverance - DH could be a bit of a knob when I first knew him, but I could tell there was a good guy in there, and there was.

Original poster
LovePGtipsMonkey · 22/03/2016 22:15

thank you all, very interesting to read!

Pathetic, I'm kind of like that myself but I'm sort of embarassed about these qualities - it's great that you can just say so and that your DP can deal with it well. I'm not as needy as I used to be as I've grown up a lot, bt I have my moments. So how does it work if he is stubborn?

Heffalump - same to you, that's what I really want, to find someone who loves me for what I am instead of criticising - obv meaning that I do contribute (in terms of being supportive/reliable/interesting to talk to - I'm good). I'm sometimes hard work and don't have that much support elsewhere (only some relatives long distance and a couple of close friends but again at distance) - I also like my own space more than many. So a man has to really 'get me' or be similar. Is it the case that you partner is very kind tolerant guy?

I just think that with women like me, a strong personailty is not likely to work - they tend to demand and criticise, and I'd get on with someone humourous and happy to take my lead in many ways, but then there is a difference between that and someone completely passive - that's probably the major stumbling block, to find that kind of man- who I also fancy and who is loyal etc and single! It just seems impossible in theory.

I also need someone roughly on my level culturally - not much higher or much lower. I've tried dating someone unsophisticated as I was attaracted physically, but my interest waned very fast. OTOH I can't live with someone who felt superior mentally - so again it limits options. I know some women are happy with either of those scenarios.

I'm glad that some difficult women have found the right person.
Clara, that's what I'm aiming for! have you had to compromise on something major? Does he see you as out of his league? I find that's when men tolerate a lot.

goddess, I wish I was easily pleased. In a way if you have a huge family/social network you are less focused on the partner an rely on him less - that's what I meant.

OP posts:
peaceoftheaction · 22/03/2016 22:18

Look around you. Lots of PITA people are married Grin
When it's the right person I think it all just slots into place tbh (disclaimer: this is based on hope rather than experience )

Whatthefoxgoingon · 22/03/2016 22:24

I'm very strong minded and opinionated. I'm married to a man who is a strong negotiator, knows how to compromise but is definitely not a pushover (which is deeply unsexy). We are very happy together and truly compatible: we both love the opera, travelling, skiing and wine. I don't like rugby and he doesn't like biographies. If you find the right person, marriage is not hard work at all. I have a few close friends but no huge network; my husband is the best person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I'm not an easygoing person for sure!

Patheticfallacy · 22/03/2016 22:25

When he's stubborn and I'm needy it actually works. We sort of playfully argue and it creates a nice frisson Grin ultimately though I'm less needy with him because he's so calm and consistent and he does what he says he will. Don't ever be embarrassed to be who you are.

Ceeceecee · 22/03/2016 22:27

I'm fussy and 'sensitive' and have a DH who thinks I'm amazing - it's lovely. He's not so much laid back as genuinely not bothered about small things. He'll have no problem swapping tables if I don't like where we are sitting, for example, and then leaving the restaurant if I decide I'm suddenly not hungry. When things matter to him they really matter and he is immovable though.

I'd say we connect on a very deep level, and support each other in doing what we truly want to do.

I was single for five years before we got together; he'd known me as a friend all that time. Think I may well still be single if it wasn't for meeting him. So I think it is meeting the right person but also being open to having a relationship.

NataliaOsipova · 22/03/2016 22:30

I wonder if you considered yourself a bit of an idealist (not just in terms of a man but also wanted romance, not just companionship) and you did manage to meet the right person?

Yes and yes. Hang in there. I've just asked my DH if he thinks I'm easy going. His answer? "No. What a ridiculous question!"

The best way I've heard it described is that life is like a bowl of fruit - if you're an apple, it's easy to find another apple, but if you're a papaya it can be a bit harder. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen and when it does it's juicier (she says, over stretching the analogy!)

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 22/03/2016 22:34

I think you are muddling up too many things OP.

Being easygoing can mean that you can bend and keep a relationship happy.
It can also mean that you bend to someone else's wants and needs and forgo your own, leaving you coupled up but unhappy.

I am fussy, opinionated and a stubborn pain in the arse when I want to be. I have a big family that I can't rely on emotionally and a group of friends that are great but I'm introverted so don't lean on them. DH is much the same.
We have been together since we were teenagers. My ex was abusive and I shut down my whole personality to keep him happy. It's only with the growing confidence I found while with DH that I've been able to embrace my stubbornness. It's left me happy, assertive and knowing I can cope if I were to be single. And that helps keep my relationship happy - we both know we could go it alone, we both know the other one doesn't have to put up with us and is here by choice, which means we are respectful, relaxed and happy.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/03/2016 23:01

"Lots of PITA people are married grin"

Yes, but aren't they generally married to very placid people? Sort of like Richard and Hyacinth Bucket?
Two difficult people and you've got splitting up or a very volatile relationship like Richard Burton and Liz Taylor.

revealall · 22/03/2016 23:18

Mmm. I think PITA people like other PITA people otherwise it can feel like one person is doing all the work and carrying the other?
Personal experience seems to suggest that PITA women often find nice but unchallenging men which leads to resentment on both sides. Of my friends who are divorced /separated from long relationships, the main moan is that they did the work in the relationship. The lovely easy going men have all seemed to bumble along for years without noticing and then find someone else really quickly.