Do you have to be a very easy-going person to find long term love?

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Sorry for a simplistic title, and for the ramble below, but really I'm getting very disheartened about my personal/dating life.

I'm quite fussy, and when in my 20s-early 30s it didn't matter as much as I was younger/more good looking and had quite a bit of interest from men (and larger numbers available). I'm now not as young or good looking, and haev become a lot more tolerant, but I'm still fussy and don't seem to fancy/like men that easily for it to last long term.
I read this section a LOT and what have concluded is, that the happy stories seem to come from easy going women who also tewnd to habea huge familt/friends support network so really not that fussy about the man, and also usually have that sunny nature to offer.
I wonder if you considered yourself a bit of an idealist (not just in terms of a man but also wanted romance, not just companionship) and you did manage to meet the right person? I'd love to hear from those people. Or if not - do you also think that I don't have much chance without hugely lowering standards (but I don't know how to make myself do that). I really don't want to stay single for much longer - been a few years already! I was married before , years ago, but it didn't work out in the end. I'm not looking to have kids at this stage but would be happy if he had kids. I just want proper love, not just sex and companionship. It seems impossible to find something mutual - the few people I like atm are all attached already.

[Ohdearohdearme]

I can relate to your post, OP, but I don't entirely agree that only easy going people can find long term love. I could never be described as easy going - I get wound up quickly, am prone to mood swings, worry a lot and I'm a complete neat freak around the house. It did seem when I was in my 20s that my most easy-going friends settled down first, seemingly content, whereas I'd have relationships that would last a few years before imploding. I found unchallenging men who were pushovers complete turn-offs and seemed to attract argumentative firecracker types. As I grew older, I felt my looks were fading and as the pool of decent single men diminished, I began to wonder whether I would ever find the right match. I met DH when I was 32 and almost immediately, everything fell into place. He was easy-going enough to accept me and my quirks, but strong minded enough to speak out when he strongly disagreed with something - the difference between him and men who had previously been in my life was the way he approached issues - in a calm, caring and rational manner, rather than agitated, hostile way. 5 years on, we're still going strong and love each other deeply. We are intellectual equals, have shared passions and he makes me laugh every day. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have met him and don't feel I've had to compromise at all.

[HPsauciness]

Two difficult people can get along, me and my husband are both quite dominant argumentative types, and we argue a lot but that doesn't mean our foundation isn't solid or loving. If you read the work of John Gottman (psychologist studying marriage for 30 plus years), he divides successful marriages into three types on arguing style: avoidant (don't argue), friendship (negotiation over issues) and volatile (flare up easily). Volatile couples tend to do fine if they are both volatile (as both agree this is normal!) and don't implode early on. The biggest danger comes, according to him, where the types are incompatible, so if you get a volatile type with an avoidant person, it feels deeply unpleasant and uneven, whereas a volatile type couple will have flare ups, then laugh about it, and may also have quite a passionate aspect to their interactions (so he says!)

Lots of different types of people and personalities get married, it's about the combination and finding the right fit for you. I dated a huge amount of people and was 'fussy' in that sense of not finding the right one, my husband also dated a large amount of women (!) but we seem to work together fine (if in a slightly dramatic way at times).

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Good grief no. Dh and I are not quiet easy going pushover types. We are both complete control freaks (or as HP put it better 'dominant argumentative types'.) Friends and family wince at our interaction regularly as we both Must Be Right. We are also bringing up three Must Be Right children, which is a joy. It's worked for 18 years of marriage and 7 years before that. We are entirely content and secure in our relationship (it's lasted through an almost fatal accident, one child with a permanent physical disability caused by birth injury, and another kid with sn) as well as working overseas and emigrating. We even spend a couple of months every year with the in-laws.
I laughed out loud at your thread title. 25 years isn't bad for a couple of control freaks...

[HeadTilt]

Before I met my DP I considered myself quite fussy, I had a clear idea of my type. Probably why I didn't date much! My DP isn't "my type" on paper, but we just fit and I love him and love being with him.

Relationships do take compromise in the sense that you have to learn to think about the needs and feelings of another, how your choices affect them etc. But you shouldn't compromise on the important stuff.

[ICJump]

I'm a pain in the arse, prone to dramatic, and I've got a bit of a temper, I'm a fools rush in, dream big type person. I'm sensitive and needy. I'm also giving and loyal, loving thoughtful, funny, creative, flexible, imaginative, a great planner.
My partner and I compliment each other. We are a great team. But I never set out with an end I mine I had no list of must haves or no ways.
I found someone who had some passion and that passion sparked my passion for him.

[seoulsurvivor]

I'm uptight, my partner is easy going. I tell him very often to stand up to me if I'm being a dick (which I am inclined to be) and he generally does. I have got more laid back since I met him, because I know he'll do as he says. If he says he'll drive me to work, he drives me to work. If he says he'll buy something, he buys it. I don't need to try to get control, because he is consistent and doesn't make me worry.

For his part, he says he LIKES the fact I'm bossy but not too demanding. He likes the fact that I don't just go 'hmm, I don't know' if he asks what I want. We discuss everything. It makes life easier.

I think it's just a case of meeting the right person. But in my experience, most men are not even slightly worth it.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

thank you - so pleased and surprised to learn that even PITA/uptight/sensitive women can find a man who actually likes all of that!

I do still wonder, were there major compromises on your part if you know you are a bit of a pita - but I mean if generally you see yourself as a good person?

ICJump that's so me, changing tables! my exH was awful about that - either sulked or rolled his eyes, or very occasionally been neutral about it but it as never 'whatever, I'm happy for you to be fussy, it's no big deal'! You are onto a winner haha. I did havea BF who was laid back mostly but he was also a very passive type and well below me in intelligence - which again of course didn't work (though if that was his only issues, might have worked. - but he had a list of serious issues - I had no respect but have put up as long as I have because he was laid-back and I had enough if critical men). I'll never settle with anyone I can't respect , after that.

[summerainbow]

Changing tables in restaurant !
Why would you do that , that would get old so fast . I am not surprised your exhusband got fed up of that i would too.
That in my book is not being fussy but rude . You get sat a table so that staff get even number of tables .
I would not enjoy going out with anyone who did this offen or for no reason .
What other things are you fussy about ?

[TheNaze73]

I think we are who we are & you shouldn't have to compromise your principles or who you are for someone else. Some of the things you have mentioned are a bit extreme however, the right person would run through a brick wall for you regardless.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Changing tables in restaurant !
Why would you do that , that would get old so fast ."

Summer, if I'm paying a lot of money to be somewhere, I'm paying for the atmosphere as much as the food and I want to be seated somewhere comfortable. Eating out is a treat, there's no point if you're going to be at a horrible table. I also sometimes go into pubs to see if I like the look of them, but move on if they're too full, have a bad atmosphere, etc.

[Ceeceecee]

Ha - changing tables is probably what divides us (the PITAs) and them (the easygoing ones)! Though theones who find people who change tables infuriating like summer probably fall somewhere in the middle.

[mum2mum99]

Compromise is essential.
But they are things you can definitely not compromise on. Like someone who respects you, views you as a person not as an object, views you as an equal not some outdated disabled princess.
The most important person to love is yourself, as you are condemn to live with you all your life! If you just focus on living your life and you socialise you will meet your someone.

[BolshierAryaStark]

No I don't agree. I'm what could be easily described as high maintenance, prone to drama & a temper that's quick to rise-Zero patience & I just don't suffer fools full stop. DH, whilst so fucking stubborn, is as easy going as they come & fortunately loves me & my many flaws. We've been together almost 18 years & I'd say a classic opposites attract case as we rarely agree on anything...

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Bolshier, I'm sort of similar those maybe a milder version of you (my patience has improved a lot haha). But how does it work if he is stubborn - that's the opposite of easy-going - and you disagree? who decides in the end? but great that somehow it works.

summer, not for 'no reason', I always have my reasons. As posters above said, I'm hardly the only one - and when you see it as treat, you want to relax and enjoy. Sensitive people can't really change the way they are - my pet hate is sitting with my back to a 'thoroughfare' in a restaurants with waiters or diners constaly walking past, I get tense! I'm also sensitive to strong drafts and although I could tolerate them, why isn't it better to move elsewhere? I didn't do it every time obviously. As you can see, the other poster's H doesn't roll his eyes and is happy to move with her - it didn't 'get old' with him. Don't forget that I tolerate their quirks too - my exH had other very annoying habits.

mum2, no of course I know I need to compromise - I'm not at all a perfectionist and am actually supportive/good listener and other things. But I was wondering that women who found such partners (and let's be honest, it's still not easy when you are a bit of a pita), did they compromise secretly on something major - things like his looks, or a big age gap, or intelligence level, the finances - smth they would normally find important?

[BolshierAryaStark]

I find my patience dwindling as I age unfortunately.

Tbf although we agree on very little this rarely causes arguments, we have heated debates but in the end we agree to disagree as I don't expect him to change his views to suit me & DH is the same. We also laugh a lot at my often ridiculous reactions to things... This I think is an important element of relationships, also laughter has the ability to difuse most situations.
Don't get me wrong, it's far from a perfect marriage, whos is? Sometimes he can sulk for a couple of days which I find immensely irritating as I throw my toys out of the pram but immediately get over it but that's just him & I accept that.
I suppose it is about compromise & accepting the others differences.

[GhettoFabulous]

I'm narcissistic, egocentric, passive aggressive and menopausal. I met the love of my life when I was 43.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Interesting comments from everyone

I'm easy going, not particularly fussy and I've had ZERO interest from any man for 12 years.

So it must come down to something else

[Eliza22]

What I have found in my life is that I was single for many years after relationships that lasted 5/6/7 years. Was married to the last one (7 yrs) and am. Ow remarried after being Ali e for 6 years. I'm now in my fifties. I found other women I knew seemed to end one relationship and move very quickly into the next, almost "lining up the next one" before ending the one they were in. Whereas I, spend a big chunk of my 30's "dating" and as others put it "being too fussy". I don't think it was that. I think I just didn't meet anyone I wanted to commit to/share my life with and certainly didn't want to compromise. I had a good job and my own home/car/life.

I don't think it's wise to compromise yourself. For me, there were deal breakers. Ideally, I'd have married and had a family sooner but in the end, I did marry and have a son.

Even now, in my second marriage, there are co promises I have to make which sometimes make me wonder what the hell in doing. Life's like that OP.

[Eliza22]

Good grief....bloody iPad and auto correct. Sorry.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Ghetto - how/where did you meet him? I mean really, were you looking or he's just suddenly appeared and showed interest? how is coping with all you traits? ha

AmIthat, interesting - have you ever show initiative? maybe you are missing out because you don't give the 'vibe' to men you like? unless you just don't fancy anyone..

Bolshi, but that means you sort of lead parallel lives - most couples have to agree as they have to make joint decisions about all sorts, holidays. finances, kids. I couldn't live with someone very stubborn as I don't like giving in but then we'd never actually do anything together! Unless we have very similar tastes in most thing, I suppose!

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

*shown initiative

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Oh I've shown initiative . Three times I've asked men out. Been turned down every time

No one notices me I think

I do lots of activities and volunteering. I just don't attract any interest.

So I wonder why. I'm really not that fussy , but I don't even get the chance to turn men down

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

who knows, really. It seems so easy for some women to attract not just attention but actual offers of r-ships, it's never to do with looks btw (or not just the looks in some cases). Maybe some women have this 'secure' vibe? someone they can trust? but also has to be chemistry. I have plenty of examples of the chemistry but not much else for a while. The one man who did seem to like me as a person - sadly I just felt zero attraction to, otherwise i's attraction but nothing real or serious transpires. Hard to tell with you - try aslking a friend who saw you in action so to speak. Maybe you come across as too desperate for a man? I'm becoming a bit desperate too.

[GhettoFabulous]

I met him on a fetish site, and he had plenty of experience of catering to the whims of pernickity women. Maybe that's an angle to explore.

[Backtoblackcoffee]

I think that a lot of 'easy going' people put up with a lot and appear to have long term love.