Do you have to be a very easy-going person to find long term love?

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Sorry for a simplistic title, and for the ramble below, but really I'm getting very disheartened about my personal/dating life.

I'm quite fussy, and when in my 20s-early 30s it didn't matter as much as I was younger/more good looking and had quite a bit of interest from men (and larger numbers available). I'm now not as young or good looking, and haev become a lot more tolerant, but I'm still fussy and don't seem to fancy/like men that easily for it to last long term.
I read this section a LOT and what have concluded is, that the happy stories seem to come from easy going women who also tewnd to habea huge familt/friends support network so really not that fussy about the man, and also usually have that sunny nature to offer.
I wonder if you considered yourself a bit of an idealist (not just in terms of a man but also wanted romance, not just companionship) and you did manage to meet the right person? I'd love to hear from those people. Or if not - do you also think that I don't have much chance without hugely lowering standards (but I don't know how to make myself do that). I really don't want to stay single for much longer - been a few years already! I was married before , years ago, but it didn't work out in the end. I'm not looking to have kids at this stage but would be happy if he had kids. I just want proper love, not just sex and companionship. It seems impossible to find something mutual - the few people I like atm are all attached already.

[BlondieLoxie]

I think I know what you mean? Although I may be wrong.

I'm ready to start a relationship. But relationships have always been disastrous for me. I'm never short of male attention and would consider myself attractive. But I lack confidence. I've had three kids and although slim, I'm wobbly! With small uneven boobs!! With clothes I look good..once they're off, it's scary!! I am also friendly and giving, can be straight talking and confident in most situations but strangely never with men. These insecurities I believe are part reason I never seem successful in relationships.

In my experience, the people I know in happy longterm relationships are happy in themselves and have good relationships with friends and family and their partner compliments their life rather than makes it.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

diego, up to FIVE times?! I'm very interested to know what is the reaction of the rest of your family in this scenario - use humour, just stay neutral? or you do get annoyed but she doesn't mind that?

Yes, I'm looking for a best friend and lover (though I'm not after a wild sexlife - not that age anymore, just less interested, but I need to like him physically obviously) rather than good Dad material with very high earnings - ideally a 'soulmate' and I don't believe that there is only one of those in the world!
Really want mutual understanding and respect, and similar humour is essential. It's VERY hard to find all of these in one person who is also SINGLE. I actually like quite a few men even right now - all taken, though obviously I don't know them well at all. I'm fine with age gaps btw, much older is fine though not too much younger (up to 10yrs) so I'm flexible on some things that other women are not - don't mind what the body type is or the height within reason (am tall). I'm also relatively flexible as to where to live, within reasonable reach of London. I'm just saying this to show I'm not totally fixed on all aspects. Maybe it's my age that's a bugger (40s) as single men are thin on the ground - with the same objectives of LTR but no more kids.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"s it that these people are very easily satisfied, don't have lists of boxes to tick, don't mind if they atr same level intellectually with the man etc, and just don't focus on partner that much iykwim (handy for not noticing faults!), or do they put up with a lot but present a good picture? "

I think it's how badly you want to be in a relationship. If you really, really need to be in a relationship to be happy, you will put up with a lot. More fussy people only want to be in a relationship if they find 'the right one' so loneliness is the price you have to pay for high standards I suppose.

[GhettoFabulous]

Our relationship works because we were both clear that we were looking for companionship first and foremost. We share the same ideals and many of the same interests. We laugh every day and can talk about anything. We're also poly, so the pressure is off with regards to being the one and only, although that brings its own challenges. He takes the wind out of my sails too. And being so happy has taken the edge off my worst qualities.

And I'm not all bad, honest.

[diegointhecity]

My mum arrives at restaurants and gets the waiting staff to walk with her round the room whilst she choses her table. Then she will sit on it, then say no it's not for me and move. Then she will say a table is ok, and then the food arrives and by that time she has moved! She goes out for meals most days and is like this, and she will do it in hotels. She very rarely will stay in the first room allocated in uk or abroad.

We will often move up to 5 times when going out for a meal, even at places like the harvester, beefeater etc. She has been married 45 years.

[Backtoblackcoffee]

PG I think different types of people want different things from a relationship and also when they are at different stages in there lives.

For example if you are about to embark on having children you might want great earning and good dad potential.

If your 50 and have done all that you might want someone that you have a lot in common with to share all that well earned spare time with.

I'm at the next stage

I also have a controversial view that just because a person managed to stay with someone there entire life theres nothing to say that's a good thing - maybe we need different people at different times in our lives.

( mine has to be a deep thinker

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Backtoblack - that's what I'm wondering about. Is it that these people are very easily satisfied, don't have lists of boxes to tick, don't mind if they atr same level intellectually with the man etc, and just don't focus on partner that much iykwim (handy for not noticing faults!), or do they put up with a lot but present a good picture? I know a few women who just don't see their H as a romantic partner, but mainly as a good father to the kids and as fas as he is a good dad, provides, and an ok p[erson, they are happy.

I do trust women on here (the happy threads) who say they ar happy and in love, I just don't know if it's mainly them being sunny/easy and not much to do with the man. But I'm heartened by stories above from the PITA women who found the right one.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

haha Ghetto! yes, quite - of he likes being tortured in more ways than one! not sure it's my thing!

[Backtoblackcoffee]

I think that a lot of 'easy going' people put up with a lot and appear to have long term love.

[GhettoFabulous]

I met him on a fetish site, and he had plenty of experience of catering to the whims of pernickity women. Maybe that's an angle to explore.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

who knows, really. It seems so easy for some women to attract not just attention but actual offers of r-ships, it's never to do with looks btw (or not just the looks in some cases). Maybe some women have this 'secure' vibe? someone they can trust? but also has to be chemistry. I have plenty of examples of the chemistry but not much else for a while. The one man who did seem to like me as a person - sadly I just felt zero attraction to, otherwise i's attraction but nothing real or serious transpires. Hard to tell with you - try aslking a friend who saw you in action so to speak. Maybe you come across as too desperate for a man? I'm becoming a bit desperate too.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Oh I've shown initiative . Three times I've asked men out. Been turned down every time

No one notices me I think

I do lots of activities and volunteering. I just don't attract any interest.

So I wonder why. I'm really not that fussy , but I don't even get the chance to turn men down

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

*shown initiative

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Ghetto - how/where did you meet him? I mean really, were you looking or he's just suddenly appeared and showed interest? how is coping with all you traits? ha

AmIthat, interesting - have you ever show initiative? maybe you are missing out because you don't give the 'vibe' to men you like? unless you just don't fancy anyone..

Bolshi, but that means you sort of lead parallel lives - most couples have to agree as they have to make joint decisions about all sorts, holidays. finances, kids. I couldn't live with someone very stubborn as I don't like giving in but then we'd never actually do anything together! Unless we have very similar tastes in most thing, I suppose!

[Eliza22]

Good grief....bloody iPad and auto correct. Sorry.

[Eliza22]

What I have found in my life is that I was single for many years after relationships that lasted 5/6/7 years. Was married to the last one (7 yrs) and am. Ow remarried after being Ali e for 6 years. I'm now in my fifties. I found other women I knew seemed to end one relationship and move very quickly into the next, almost "lining up the next one" before ending the one they were in. Whereas I, spend a big chunk of my 30's "dating" and as others put it "being too fussy". I don't think it was that. I think I just didn't meet anyone I wanted to commit to/share my life with and certainly didn't want to compromise. I had a good job and my own home/car/life.

I don't think it's wise to compromise yourself. For me, there were deal breakers. Ideally, I'd have married and had a family sooner but in the end, I did marry and have a son.

Even now, in my second marriage, there are co promises I have to make which sometimes make me wonder what the hell in doing. Life's like that OP.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Interesting comments from everyone

I'm easy going, not particularly fussy and I've had ZERO interest from any man for 12 years.

So it must come down to something else

[GhettoFabulous]

I'm narcissistic, egocentric, passive aggressive and menopausal. I met the love of my life when I was 43.

[BolshierAryaStark]

I find my patience dwindling as I age unfortunately.

Tbf although we agree on very little this rarely causes arguments, we have heated debates but in the end we agree to disagree as I don't expect him to change his views to suit me & DH is the same. We also laugh a lot at my often ridiculous reactions to things... This I think is an important element of relationships, also laughter has the ability to difuse most situations.
Don't get me wrong, it's far from a perfect marriage, whos is? Sometimes he can sulk for a couple of days which I find immensely irritating as I throw my toys out of the pram but immediately get over it but that's just him & I accept that.
I suppose it is about compromise & accepting the others differences.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Bolshier, I'm sort of similar those maybe a milder version of you (my patience has improved a lot haha). But how does it work if he is stubborn - that's the opposite of easy-going - and you disagree? who decides in the end? but great that somehow it works.

summer, not for 'no reason', I always have my reasons. As posters above said, I'm hardly the only one - and when you see it as treat, you want to relax and enjoy. Sensitive people can't really change the way they are - my pet hate is sitting with my back to a 'thoroughfare' in a restaurants with waiters or diners constaly walking past, I get tense! I'm also sensitive to strong drafts and although I could tolerate them, why isn't it better to move elsewhere? I didn't do it every time obviously. As you can see, the other poster's H doesn't roll his eyes and is happy to move with her - it didn't 'get old' with him. Don't forget that I tolerate their quirks too - my exH had other very annoying habits.

mum2, no of course I know I need to compromise - I'm not at all a perfectionist and am actually supportive/good listener and other things. But I was wondering that women who found such partners (and let's be honest, it's still not easy when you are a bit of a pita), did they compromise secretly on something major - things like his looks, or a big age gap, or intelligence level, the finances - smth they would normally find important?

[BolshierAryaStark]

No I don't agree. I'm what could be easily described as high maintenance, prone to drama & a temper that's quick to rise-Zero patience & I just don't suffer fools full stop. DH, whilst so fucking stubborn, is as easy going as they come & fortunately loves me & my many flaws. We've been together almost 18 years & I'd say a classic opposites attract case as we rarely agree on anything...

[mum2mum99]

Compromise is essential.
But they are things you can definitely not compromise on. Like someone who respects you, views you as a person not as an object, views you as an equal not some outdated disabled princess.
The most important person to love is yourself, as you are condemn to live with you all your life! If you just focus on living your life and you socialise you will meet your someone.

[Ceeceecee]

Ha - changing tables is probably what divides us (the PITAs) and them (the easygoing ones)! Though theones who find people who change tables infuriating like summer probably fall somewhere in the middle.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Changing tables in restaurant !
Why would you do that , that would get old so fast ."

Summer, if I'm paying a lot of money to be somewhere, I'm paying for the atmosphere as much as the food and I want to be seated somewhere comfortable. Eating out is a treat, there's no point if you're going to be at a horrible table. I also sometimes go into pubs to see if I like the look of them, but move on if they're too full, have a bad atmosphere, etc.

[TheNaze73]

I think we are who we are & you shouldn't have to compromise your principles or who you are for someone else. Some of the things you have mentioned are a bit extreme however, the right person would run through a brick wall for you regardless.