Bewildered, DH openly admitted infidelity, what do I do now?

[1plus3plus1]

This is going to be long and complicated, apologies. I have been reading this forum since this happened, and many posts have rung true with me - but I've now got to the point where I don't know what to do, and would appreciate any thoughts the collective minds of Mumsnet might have.

So, I have been with DH for 14 years, married for 12, we have 4 kids aged 1-7. DH was in the Forces, and has deployed three times, for 6-7 months each time. The last time was when our youngest was 3 months old. He's now left the Forces.

Just before Christmas, he told me that he'd been offered another overseas job, but this time it was in a safe European City (rather than a war zone) and so we could all go. That is something we have always talked about, and so I was quite excited about it - a chance for us to go and have an adventure as a family rather than him going away and us being left behind all the time.

At the same time, things hadn't been right between us since he came back from the last deployment - we couldn't seem to reconnect emotionally or physically. One of the hallmarks of our relationship from the start had been fun and silliness, and we did manage to keep an element of this even when the kids turned up, but it suddenly seemed to be gone. Sex was very different - he was rougher and less considerate with me, and I felt like I could have been anyone to him.

This time was complicated because we had moved house while he was away - unfortunately didn't manage to exchange before he went away so I did that on my own. It must have been very strange for him, coming back to a new house where we were all settled and he didn't know where anything was. I thought partly it was just taking us longer to readjust than previously, combined with the usual fatigue and stress that goes along with 4 young kids.

Christmas was nice, and then it all went wrong. He told me that he'd had an affair with a colleague during the last deployment - she had a long term BF, and they mutually agreed to end it after a few weeks. DH says that it 'meant something' but can't clarify what that means. On further questioning, they tried to remain friends, meeting up a number of times for coffee after they got back to the UK. Eventually in November they decided they couldn't be friends and he said that they didn't see each other again.

Then I asked him if it had happened before that, and he said he'd had 2 one night stands with 2 different women. The first was while he was living away from me on Base before we had kids (but while we were actively trying for a baby and had had 2 miscarriages. I was also very low during this time due to career choice and not knowing what I wanted to do). The second was 3 years later while on a residential course. The first he basically went on a date (was invited to a woman's house for dinner on his own and one thing led to another) and the second was following a drunken evening.

So it appears that all 3 happened in quite different circumstances, and DH says that the reasons he did it include him never having a relationship before he met me, us both being young when we got married, being apart so much (we've worked out that we've been apart more than we've been together for the last 7 years), lack of intimacy between us, him feeling guilty about wanting more/different sex from me.

I told him to leave, and he lived with his sister for a couple of months, coming back often to see the kids, and we've both had individual counselling and been to couples counselling too. I've been through various stages - not believing it, sadness, and now am mostly very angry that he would do this to me and us and the kids. We talked a lot, and decided that he should take this overseas job for 6 months and come back every weekend to see if we could gently get to know each other again. I feel like we had something really good, and if I don't try to rebuild then I will always regret it. That's partly for the kids, but mostly for me.

But I just don't know how to have a 'new relationship with the same person' as the books say. I would be walking open eyed into a relationship with someone who I know is a cheat. There is no mystery or excitement - he's seen me giving birth, I've squeezed spots on his bum etc etc. We are surrounded by physical memories of our past relationship - the kids, photos, all the stuff in our house that we've collected over the years, that were our wedding presents. Hes also tainted my good memories of our time together because now i can only think "was this before or after? Was he acting? Pretending to be happy? How did i not notice?" How do we create something new out of that when we have very little time together as a family and even less as a couple - basically 3 hours on a Saturday night when he's home.

And how do I, personally, get past the anger to forgiveness? No matter how many times he says sorry, it can't undo what he's done. And I also have to make the leap of faith to trust him when he says it's never going to happen again, even when he's working away from home and travelling lots.

I do believe that he's told me everything, which might sound weird - he had nothing to gain from telling me about the one night stands. The reason he told me is because when he saw how excited I was getting about us all going away as a family, it broke his heart that I was preparing to do that without knowing what he'd done - he wanted me to have the facts in order to make the right decision for me. I think he's immature and naive, a people pleaser and a risk taker, and these things have all combined together. He seems to hate himself for what he's done, although he is also emotionally blunted - he says he can't feel anything. He's not cried, no matter what hurtful thing I say to him he responds with a very measured, reasonable voice, which is infuriating. However, he's also not saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me - he says he doesn't know and wants to have time getting to know each other again so that we can decide that together.

I'm not even sure if I've got a question to ask you all - my situation doesn't seem to fit many of the other ones on this board where people have caught their OHs out rather than the OH admitting it out of the blue but not actually having a OW.

Any thoughts would be very gratefully received. I'm so confused.

Any man who doubts his love for a woman should set her free.

OP,

Let's spin it around again then op, if you felt redundant would you have gone out and shagged someone else or in his case multiple people. Why do you insist in laying part of the blame at your door.

You coped because you had no choice, you were busy being the grown up the parent and everything else you had to be. But what was he doing? Oh yeah having rough sex with other women, it worries me that you are trying to find something in this shit sad scenario to own, that then maybe gives you an excuse to go with him. Is the idea of staying and doing what you have been doing for a while now, so much more scary than following him to the ends of the earth, with the big possibility you can't come back with kids.

He is a weak and shameful character, it doesn't reflect on you lovely but still you don't want to see him hurt, he didn't mind doing that to you though did he.

So sorry you have been put through this. Please check out chump lady. Remember he chose this and put your health at risk. please get an STI check. Please checkout finances asap. He has had lots of time to plan this and is way ahead of you.
www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

Wow, I've just read through this thread again.

Where have I got to now? The whole situation is so messed up and complicated, and I still haven't made a final decision.

We went away for a weekend as a couple last month, and it was great when we weren't talking about our relationship. I told him that I can't be friends with him (he wanted to start out as friends and see if anything grew) - that I can get much less painful friendship elsewhere, and for me my relationship with him needs to be all or nothing. I even said straight out that I want to try to forgive and move on. However, since saying that, I have not had a response from him. In fact, in a recent very emotional conversation, he revealed that he still has positive feelings for the final OW.

I don't believe he means that he would try to be with her if we split up. I believe that he means he doesn't see her as a bad person. But nice people don't cheat on their long term boyfriend with a man who has a wife and 4 young kids! How does OH know that he wasn't the latest in a long line of affairs she has had on deployments??? So I told him that the fact he still feels some loyalty to her means that I am starting to believe that there is no future for us. He cam preserve the memory of his time with her in this perfect bubble - it happened during a deployment to a stressful, high paced work environment where he really respected her professional capabilities, they didn't have any real, day-to-day life to contend with, and they had illicit, mindblowing sex. Then he comes home to me, knackered and often grumpy, physically not in great shape, often not interested in sex, not seeing me in my professional environment. How the fuck can I compete with his memories of her??????

So I initiated financial and custody mediation - due to have our first session next week. And still there is no declaration from him about what he wants to do. Then I hear from other people that he is definitely coming back the UK when this contract finishes - yet he hasn't told me that. He doesn't communicate with me at all - doesn't give me his flight details, not even the basic courtesy of telling me what time he'll be back at the house on a Friday night.

So I think he's making it easier for me to make the decision to go. I'm putting things in motion to live without him, and although the conversation with the kids will be the absolute worst thing I'll ever do, I know that they are resilient and will be fine in the long run.

I certainly can't live like this much longer - I have turned into a foul-mouthed bad-tempered bitch, which is not the real me at all. I feel like I'm slowly being poisoned by anger and bitterness, I need to get rid of it somehow.

And yet, if he turned round and said that he did want to try again, and could make me truly believe it, I probably would agree. At the moment, I still love the person I believed him to be, the illusion he showed me of himself.

Stop waiting for him to decide to want you. He is never going to be honest. And still has feelings for OW - how lovely for him. Best he trots off to her then and leaves you in peace. The man you thought you loved has long gone.

OP I am so sorry. I think you have got to the ripping off plaster stage. This pain WILL end and you will move on with your life. Without this selfish man stringing you along and taking you for granted.

He's showing you who he is by every deed.

I feel for you, the man you fell in love with isn't there any more.

He's pushing you to end it, what a coward.

He sounds a bit 'meh' to your marriage. Not at all committed. At all.
To save your marriage he needs to do a shit load of stuff. A huge shit load. Is he? Don't think so.
You need to separate the husband you thought he was from the deeply flawed sexually incontinent, uncommitted part time husband and father he really is. Separate, contrast and compare. Reality v Romantic Version.
Judge what he does and really listen to what he says. Combine these things and make a decision that suits you and your children.
(If it was me, I would tell him to leave me alone until he had made a decision about his future and make arrangements to separate/ divorce regardless of his decision)

Why are you letting him hold all the cards? He's keeping you on the back burner, just in case . Don't you deserve more than this? You've been a loyal wife, you've given him 4 wonderful children, and this is how he treats you?! Fuck that. Tell him it's over. He's not there helping you raise the kids anyway. Tell him you can't get past the cheating and his non-presence and that you want to start afresh and date again (someone who will actually be there).

You are doing the right thing by taking control and making steps towards separating from him, he is clearly too much of a coward, and this way you can maintain some dignity and self-esteem. Waiting for him to make his mind up isn't going to ultimately end happily - if he wanted to make it work he would have been fighting tooth and nail for it from the beginning.

I'm sure you and your DC will be just fine.

You sound amazing. He sounds like an immature arse. You deserve so much better. I have to agree, he's waiting for you to say the words. He's a coward. I'm so sorry. All the best to you. X

So sorry for your situation OP.

To me it reads as though you are in utter turmoil. You're doing all the hard work to try and mend the situation that he broke. What's he doing ? Enjoying his dream job, coming back to see his kids, messing with your head and day dreaming (or more?) about the OW.

You're effectively a single parent. He doesn't have the courage to end things so you be that person. Let him be single. It won't be as much fun at 36 with 4 kids and an ex-wife to support. But that's not your problem.

He's worked hard for his dream job but he's not doing the same to save his marriage. Sorry but he sounds pretty horrible.

And your kids will be fine. 100%.

I dont think he never stopped seeing the OW, I rather suspect it has been going on the entire time. His working overseas was designed to facilitate the affair, it was never meant to include you and the children which is why he confessed as soon as you were excited about it. In fact, I think he told you as he thought you would react by telling him you wanted to divorce immediately.

Instead, he went overseas spending probably huge amounts of time with the OW and was returning home to the marital home and "trying" with you. In fact by that point you had effectively become the other woman.

He is now playing for time as he has realised how much a divorce would cost him and how much of his pension you would be entitled to.

I agree with others who say you are a single parent in all but name, you will be fine.

Keep posting.

What do you actually want? You know your H is a minimising serial cheat, the relationship with OW is probably still ongoing. Protect yourself, your financial future and your children. Remember all your relationship he has been used to going away and leaving you to carry on.

Sounds like he's checked out already. I feel desperately sorry for you, OP, but you come across as incredibly strong and someone who commits, all or nothing. He is, as someone said earlier, a bit 'meh' and for you, that's not going to work. Not even arsing himself to tell you what time he'll be home is just shit and controlling, he's playing a game, almost like he wants to push you into action, he's winding you up in the hopes that you'll give him his marching orders.

This is a weak man who is scared to be seen as the bad man so he's going to passively hang round til you've had enough, snap and tell him to fuck off.

I'm starting to understand that you're all right - his actions are telling me everything I need to make this decision.

I just desperately don't want to believe it.

Living like this will definitely poison you.

I would tell him it's over. He cannot come back and stay every weekend.

I would turn into the bad tempered ice queen with him actually. He's had it so good for ages.

And no, you can't compete with the ow.

There is no competition. You are a far far superior person to her. You are the one who worked as a team. Kept your children going and family going, coping as a single parent whilst your h was away.

She on the other hand is someone who fucks married men and cheats on her own partner. Classy and oh, very well done.

Your h is also a skank. Give him the contempt he deserves.

You are a strong, capable woman who was saddled with a lying, cheating creep of a husband who is still dangling you with his "Let's be friends first," bullshit. He's stringing you along whilst waiting to see how things pan out with his fleabag girlfriend.

I know you don't want this to be your life, your relationship. But you have to deal with the hand you've got.

In 12 months from now, how do you want your life to be? More steady and predictable and less dramatic? Based around what you and the kids need and want and not what someone else may or may not be doing? Could even include some FUN with someone who has not shit all over you?

I need to turn some of your comments into my own positive affirmations....

"I am a strong, capable woman"!

Maybe if I say it everyday I'll start to believe it.

Good luck OP - you sound like a lovely person who deserves better than this half-hearted relationship.
Do better than I did in my marriage; have the strength to take control.

Well you certainly are strong and capable. You're wading through all this shit your h has landed on you and coping very well with your dcs and life.

But you don't have to wade in it. Get him out of your life. He's not who you believed he was. He is playing you for a fool whilst he is having sex with this other woman.

She in urn is provably stringing him along, dilly dallying between him and her boyfriend.

Leave them to their mess. Protect yourself from further hurt by shutting him down.