Bewildered, DH openly admitted infidelity, what do I do now?

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This is going to be long and complicated, apologies. I have been reading this forum since this happened, and many posts have rung true with me - but I've now got to the point where I don't know what to do, and would appreciate any thoughts the collective minds of Mumsnet might have.

So, I have been with DH for 14 years, married for 12, we have 4 kids aged 1-7. DH was in the Forces, and has deployed three times, for 6-7 months each time. The last time was when our youngest was 3 months old. He's now left the Forces.

Just before Christmas, he told me that he'd been offered another overseas job, but this time it was in a safe European City (rather than a war zone) and so we could all go. That is something we have always talked about, and so I was quite excited about it - a chance for us to go and have an adventure as a family rather than him going away and us being left behind all the time.

At the same time, things hadn't been right between us since he came back from the last deployment - we couldn't seem to reconnect emotionally or physically. One of the hallmarks of our relationship from the start had been fun and silliness, and we did manage to keep an element of this even when the kids turned up, but it suddenly seemed to be gone. Sex was very different - he was rougher and less considerate with me, and I felt like I could have been anyone to him.

This time was complicated because we had moved house while he was away - unfortunately didn't manage to exchange before he went away so I did that on my own. It must have been very strange for him, coming back to a new house where we were all settled and he didn't know where anything was. I thought partly it was just taking us longer to readjust than previously, combined with the usual fatigue and stress that goes along with 4 young kids.

Christmas was nice, and then it all went wrong. He told me that he'd had an affair with a colleague during the last deployment - she had a long term BF, and they mutually agreed to end it after a few weeks. DH says that it 'meant something' but can't clarify what that means. On further questioning, they tried to remain friends, meeting up a number of times for coffee after they got back to the UK. Eventually in November they decided they couldn't be friends and he said that they didn't see each other again.

Then I asked him if it had happened before that, and he said he'd had 2 one night stands with 2 different women. The first was while he was living away from me on Base before we had kids (but while we were actively trying for a baby and had had 2 miscarriages. I was also very low during this time due to career choice and not knowing what I wanted to do). The second was 3 years later while on a residential course. The first he basically went on a date (was invited to a woman's house for dinner on his own and one thing led to another) and the second was following a drunken evening.

So it appears that all 3 happened in quite different circumstances, and DH says that the reasons he did it include him never having a relationship before he met me, us both being young when we got married, being apart so much (we've worked out that we've been apart more than we've been together for the last 7 years), lack of intimacy between us, him feeling guilty about wanting more/different sex from me.

I told him to leave, and he lived with his sister for a couple of months, coming back often to see the kids, and we've both had individual counselling and been to couples counselling too. I've been through various stages - not believing it, sadness, and now am mostly very angry that he would do this to me and us and the kids. We talked a lot, and decided that he should take this overseas job for 6 months and come back every weekend to see if we could gently get to know each other again. I feel like we had something really good, and if I don't try to rebuild then I will always regret it. That's partly for the kids, but mostly for me.

But I just don't know how to have a 'new relationship with the same person' as the books say. I would be walking open eyed into a relationship with someone who I know is a cheat. There is no mystery or excitement - he's seen me giving birth, I've squeezed spots on his bum etc etc. We are surrounded by physical memories of our past relationship - the kids, photos, all the stuff in our house that we've collected over the years, that were our wedding presents. Hes also tainted my good memories of our time together because now i can only think "was this before or after? Was he acting? Pretending to be happy? How did i not notice?" How do we create something new out of that when we have very little time together as a family and even less as a couple - basically 3 hours on a Saturday night when he's home.

And how do I, personally, get past the anger to forgiveness? No matter how many times he says sorry, it can't undo what he's done. And I also have to make the leap of faith to trust him when he says it's never going to happen again, even when he's working away from home and travelling lots.

I do believe that he's told me everything, which might sound weird - he had nothing to gain from telling me about the one night stands. The reason he told me is because when he saw how excited I was getting about us all going away as a family, it broke his heart that I was preparing to do that without knowing what he'd done - he wanted me to have the facts in order to make the right decision for me. I think he's immature and naive, a people pleaser and a risk taker, and these things have all combined together. He seems to hate himself for what he's done, although he is also emotionally blunted - he says he can't feel anything. He's not cried, no matter what hurtful thing I say to him he responds with a very measured, reasonable voice, which is infuriating. However, he's also not saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me - he says he doesn't know and wants to have time getting to know each other again so that we can decide that together.

I'm not even sure if I've got a question to ask you all - my situation doesn't seem to fit many of the other ones on this board where people have caught their OHs out rather than the OH admitting it out of the blue but not actually having a OW.

Any thoughts would be very gratefully received. I'm so confused.

Going against the grain here.

I think it's easy to have fixed ideas about infidelity being a dealbreaker before it actually happens, but the reality is often not that simple, as you are finding. I agree with your sense that he has given you a complete account of himself, and had nothing to gain by including the one-night-stands except a desire to be honest with you once this big move was a possibility. I also don't find it judge-worthy that he is not making big statements about his love for you, his desire to make it work etc. This is what lots of men would do, either sincerely or not, but it's also what a lot of men would not do, equally sincerely. When DP and I went through a bad patch some years ago, he very deliberately didn't grandstand or otherwise put pressure on me to stay with him. I experienced that as lukewarmness - rejection by omission, if you like. But I was wrong. His intention was to ensure that any decision to stay was made free of pressure. I did stay and am very glad now that I did.

You say you want to see if you can start afresh, make things work, but I don't see how you can do that if you're apart. I have no real experience of forces relationships, but people here seem to attest to the heightened risk of infidelity they bring with them because of time apart and associated pressures. (Noted that he isn't in the forces any longer, but the precedent is there now.) I don't see how being apart all over again can have anything other than a disintegrating effect on your marriage tbh. If you're serious about wanting to salvage things (that's the real question and not one anyone here can answer), I think you have to move with him. If this is the dream job, he is primed to enjoy his time there. If you're there too, that could be a good thing for your marriage, but if you're not a part of it I think it will probably be the death knell.

I think what he's doing is telling you all this now because he doesn't want to take responsibility for the end of the relationship.

He's become emotionally enmeshed with his most recent OW and is likely looking for you to take responsibility for ending things so he can have a go a a relationship with her without feeling guilty.

I think this OW is different to the others (and there will have been more than 2 ONS in all likelihood) because he has feelings for her, though is not fully prepared to admit to it. He's said he wants to get to know you again even though he has feelings for her and knows he wants to leave because he's not convinced he wants to give up the family and home comforts you facilitate for him and because he's hoping to get you making effort to keep him. It's win win for him - you make more effort and he is satisfied and stays but with only one foot in the relationship, you don't make the effort he wants and he leaves and gets to blame you.

I know it is upsetting understatement but really he has told you he has never been faithful to you, your whole relationship has been marred now by his unfaithfulness and now by his 'I don't really know whether I want to be with you' crap I don't see how you could fix or recover from that.

Leave him, move on and be happy would be my advice.

MrsLupo, a lot of what you're saying really resonates.

I know that I am biased, but even after everything, I believe that he's being honest and doing what he thinks is best - giving me time and space to think. And I agreed to him going, because I didn't want him in the house and couldn't think of a way to explain him living somewhere else but nearby to the kids that was remotely plausible. They understand that he's in a different country because of work - they are used to that - so they're not worried. They miss him, but they feel secure.

But he also says that telling me was a sort of release for him - he'd been holding it in for so long, he feels like his secret was poisoning him, that he was close to a breakdown, and that that was what I was feeling in the difference in our relationship.

That what makes it so hard. On the one hand, he's betrayed me in the worst way. On the other hand there are many mitigating circumstances (time away, stressful jobs, traumatic environments - although the first ONS happened before his first deployment) - and doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?

The difficulty I have is in working out, practically, what can be different about this 'new relationship'? Is it something that would slowly change over time? Or is it a time to sit down and reevaluate the relationship from scratch, almost coming up with a wish list of changes? And how do I do either of those things without trusting him or having a deep conviction that he wants to make this work more that anything else in the world? Who would voluntarily enter a relationship knowing the other person wasn't sure? And yet that is the position I potentially find myself in.

He is not being honest OP.

He very clearly planned a new life abroad with OW both working for the same place. You have no way of knowing how many ons he had, could have been 3 could have been 23.

Just because something hurts doesn't mean it's true. The truth may be even more hurtful.

As I said upthead he wants out but he wants you to be the one who ends it.

You very clearly said that he is not saying he loves you and he wants this to work. That is the bare minimum. Trying to make a relationship work after unfidelity is hard enough. But in these circumstances the basics aren't even there.

Going by what you have written here I feel like he wanted you to end this relationship so he could be free to carry on the other relationship.

I would not be surprised if it was the OW who ended it due to yourself being on the scene, her conscience obviously kicked in somewhere!

Hence he is keen to become a free agent which would spike up her interest in him again.

Even if I believed everything he had told you, the email trying to get the OW a job would blow it apart.

Can I ask you to look at this mans actions since this all came out?

Words mean nothing his actions tell you what he is really thinking inside

Can you see the communication between him and the latest ow? Only I think that might give you a better idea of what his level of commitment there is. I'm so sorry to hear this.

On the plus side I am in a long term relationship with the nicest man I have ever met, and he adores kids. We have 4 between us but he'd have loved more. I'm the one that said enough is enough!! Don't stay because you don't think you can have better, or that 4 children would necessarily put anyone off.

Actions vs words is key, I agree.

Quite near the beginning I sent him a piece of paper which had what he said (words) on the left and what he did (actions) on the right, to try and show him how much they didn't correlate from my perspective.

He said he still agreed with the words but couldn't fill in the gaps between those and his actions. We didn't get any further than that.

It's very hard to not believe the best about a man you have loved and married and thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, even when the whence points towards them not bring that kind, loving, loyal person after all. Because that makes me a very poor judge of character, that I chose to marry him and have children with him in good faith.

*whence should be evidence!

Because that makes me a very poor judge of character
When I was debating whether or not to split from my ex, I said something similar to this. My friend, who knew us both well, said 'look at all your other relationships. This isn't about you being a poor judge of character. It's about him taking advantage of your nature and being an arse. ' She was right.

But again I find myself concerned that your counsellor isn't helping you to process these issues.

My partner was a medic, he was also deployed several times and saw some horrible things, as did many of his friends several of whom ended up with PTSD.

The one thing they all found the hardest was the lack of alone time and many of them have spoken of doing some very silly(funny-silly rather than dangerous silly) things just to get 5 minutes alone.

That speaks to me of a level of planning to have this affair, to then go on to try to arrange for her to have a job in the same company seems heartless at best.

I don't think you're a mug or a bad judge of character, you made your decisions on the information you had at the time. None of us are mind readers or can tell the future, most of us assume the best of people.

You can only move forward with the info you have now.

My biggest bit of advice to you; actually my 2 would be, read up on hysterical bonding, use the people on here, for info for venting for exploring your feelings, oh 3 don't make any big decisions now, but remember if you do you are allowed to change your mind at a later date and 4 (sorry) while you may want to keep the children out of this don't stop yourself from telling your friends family etc, you will need the support to move forward no matter what you decide in the end.

I recently left the forces after 20 yrs.

I worked as an aircraft techie so worked with mostly men.
I have seen numerous flings and affairs over the years and in fact I've recently split up with my husband (also forces) due to finding out about a long term affair.

Having deployed and done long term residential courses myself, I can understand how very close relationships form very quickly (almost emotional affairs in a sense).
The closeness you have with people would be entirely inappropriate 'at home', but it seems quite normal when you're away.
You spend all day every day with them, including meals and also every night as you go out a lot. You also have none of the usual responsibilities that you do at home.
It is a very surreal and selfish existence, and sometimes the very close friendships tip over into affairs.

However, for every person that cheated there was loads more that wouldn't and didn't, so it was not inevitable - the person would have to lack that particular boundary to cheat.

I have no advice really - only you know how you really feel.
You could give your marriage a second chance, but that would mean pushing down your betrayed feelings.
Or you could cut your losses an leave now.

Away from the forces and the unique nature of deployments etc, it may be worth trying again if you really wanted that - but not at the expense of your emotional & mental well being.


He has cheated 3 times (that you know of)

What on earth would be different in this "new relationship" that would stop him from cheating again and again ? He's already setting himself up for more "lapses" if you did get back together and I don't see where you could even pull him up on it because I would argue that you knew what you were letting yourself in for.

He's "not sure" himself but expects you to throw your lot in with a man that doesn't even attempt to ensure his own fidelity

Unless you are prepared to enter into an open relationship (where either just he or both of you get your jollies elsewhere-although can you see him caring for the kids while you go and fuck other men ?) you would be crazy to go for it.

Personally I don't think I could forgive infidelity. But if I was going to consider it, I would need to see genuine remorse, my partner making real changes and jumping through hoops to prove themselves worth trusting again. Your DH is doing none of that.

The not sure he wants to be your husband and have you as his wife is the deal breaker in my mind.

I'm so sorry.

Who would voluntarily enter a relationship knowing the other person wasn't sure? And yet that is the position I potentially find myself in.

Someone with children, imo. I found that breaking up a family was a whole different matter from breaking up a relationship, and that that reluctance bought us the time we needed to put our relationship on a new footing. In your shoes, being very used to being at home with the kids while your DH is elsewhere, you may feel differently. I can see that it might be a shorter hop to divorce when you are effectively a lone parent a lot of the time, and have less sentimentality about time spent as a family unit in the past. (Or maybe not.)

I think if you have any inkling you may want to stay with him and try to work things out, you may have to make your peace with a high degree of uncertainty for an extended period - uncertainty as to his feelings and also as to your own. Not a comfortable place but temporary eventually, one way or the other.

Fwiw, I have been in the position of having believed I had feelings for someone else (not an actual affair but an emotional one). I was working insane hours in a high-pressure job, felt distanced from DP and family life, and allowed my head to be turned by someone who paid me the right (wrong!) kind of attention at the right time. At the time I would have said (in fact did say) that it 'meant something' and it was certainly a relief to get it off my chest as that enabled DP and I to start talking about what had led to that point. It felt wrong not to be discussing matters of such earth-shattering importance with the person to whom I should have felt closest. Although it was a very bad time for us both, opening the lines of communication meant that we could start to unpick what had gone wrong between us and to realise that we were both 'to blame' (for lack of a better phrase). (Unlikely to be a popular perspective on MN, I realise.) It took guts and honesty and a lot of time. If I had not made changes that enabled us to spend more time together it probably wouldn't have worked out. When I look back now, I am horrified that I was so shallow as to think my EA 'meant something' but it was a very confusing time. We are all only human.

I know it's a cliche that marriages that come back from infidelity can be stronger for it, but it can be true, depending on the underpinning reasons.

He said that his affair meant something.

His behaviour is not that of a man who has realised that he has made a mistake and is in love with you and wants you back. Its more of a man who still has very strong feelings for the OW. That is why things seem odd to you. He is not back to the man you fell in love with. She is still in the back of his mind.

Sorry, but that's how I see it.

As others have said, it sounds like this affair is not over.

What Any Fucker said.
He is essentially wanting to go back in time to the "just dating" phase...the non-exclusive part, yeah...he will be with other women. If you stat to try to work it out, then you are saying that his philandering is ok with you. Imho, there is really no gray area here. He put his cards on the table, take it or leave it. (Please leave it.) Don't do the pick me dance. He should be the one searching high and low for things to do for you so you will pick him.

If you stay in it- then open marriage, but I agree with AF that it is probably a one way street and he'd go ballistic if you were having ons or were with a special someone on the side.

It hasn't been mentioned yet- you should get an STI check. Sorry. I doubt he'd agree to get one too as he has withdrawn any pledge of fidelity he had made to you. This might be the part that bothers me most: he is risking exposing you to disease. Being with him is exposing you to disease. Do not tolerate that.

"Not sure", my ass. He wants to fuck other women-that is what he is sure about.

How thoughtful of him to burden you with all his guilt because 'it was poisoning him' in reality he's not telling you about the affairs because he feels guilty, he's telling you because he wants to end his marriage to you and doesn't know how! He need you to do it because he's a coward. He's not admitting an affair (or 3) and feeling remorseful and trying to make things work, he's not sure things will work (in fact he knows things won't work but he's speaking in riddles so you have to do all the thinking yourself).

You need to leave him, you don't have a future together. You know it deep down but he's made you all confused. If he really cared about you he a) wouldn't cheat and b) wouldn't tell you about it knowing how you feel about affairs. He's playing games so you can start caring less and over time the marriage will go to shit. That's what he wants. I'm sorry

Sounds like he's keeping you warm whilst he tries out life with OW abroad. So sorry but I really can't see how you would come back from this or even why you would want to

I'm also going against the grain here, and am more in tune with the comments from mrsLupo and icebeing

You don't sound like the typical person - I'm not at all sure why I have this sense of you, but I do - and perhaps your husband isn't either...

For me the fact that he's not promising the earth is a good thing.
He knows he can't deliver it. He's stripped away the veneer, and showed you himself, the tarnished, honest, emotionally-blunted real him.

Now you get to figure out if you can accept him or not.

I think there are far worse situations to be in.

I fully accept this point of view will be met with utter derision by the majority.
I wish you and your family the very best of luck - I really do.

He's "not sure" himself but expects you to throw your lot in with a man that doesn't even attempt to ensure his own fidelity?

I don't think he DOES expect that, actually. I think he expected the opposite, and probably cannot believe he is still there.

The marriages that survive an affair do so because the cheating spouse does 200% of the work to fix things. OP, your husband is barely doing anything at all.

He wants out. He thought telling you would end his marriage. He is a coward.

Initially when I read this it sounded like the full disclosure that most betrayed spouse's desperately want but nobody ever gets. Considering the job issue with ow and his daft idea about dating , I'm inclined to agree with others that he wants out.

I am married to someone who has spent more than half of our marriage working away in a very very stressful environment not disimilar to your DH's.

There are simply no mitigating circumstances on the planet that would excuse his behaviour, none at all.

It is about love, trust and respect, in bucket loads. I think it would be pretty soul destroying to be the person left at home without those things.

Personally I wouldn't want to be the one to break. Mainly because it is too easy for him for you to take all the responsibility for clearing this up.

I would be inclined to say to him that you are thinking of joining him overseas and that you expect him to work bloody hard at making the marriage work. Unless he tells you right now that he wants a divorce. Fuck all this I don't know what I want crap.

Of course of you can't stand the sight of him then this isn't the right course of action. But that isn't what I am picking up from your posts.