Bewildered, DH openly admitted infidelity, what do I do now?

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This is going to be long and complicated, apologies. I have been reading this forum since this happened, and many posts have rung true with me - but I've now got to the point where I don't know what to do, and would appreciate any thoughts the collective minds of Mumsnet might have.

So, I have been with DH for 14 years, married for 12, we have 4 kids aged 1-7. DH was in the Forces, and has deployed three times, for 6-7 months each time. The last time was when our youngest was 3 months old. He's now left the Forces.

Just before Christmas, he told me that he'd been offered another overseas job, but this time it was in a safe European City (rather than a war zone) and so we could all go. That is something we have always talked about, and so I was quite excited about it - a chance for us to go and have an adventure as a family rather than him going away and us being left behind all the time.

At the same time, things hadn't been right between us since he came back from the last deployment - we couldn't seem to reconnect emotionally or physically. One of the hallmarks of our relationship from the start had been fun and silliness, and we did manage to keep an element of this even when the kids turned up, but it suddenly seemed to be gone. Sex was very different - he was rougher and less considerate with me, and I felt like I could have been anyone to him.

This time was complicated because we had moved house while he was away - unfortunately didn't manage to exchange before he went away so I did that on my own. It must have been very strange for him, coming back to a new house where we were all settled and he didn't know where anything was. I thought partly it was just taking us longer to readjust than previously, combined with the usual fatigue and stress that goes along with 4 young kids.

Christmas was nice, and then it all went wrong. He told me that he'd had an affair with a colleague during the last deployment - she had a long term BF, and they mutually agreed to end it after a few weeks. DH says that it 'meant something' but can't clarify what that means. On further questioning, they tried to remain friends, meeting up a number of times for coffee after they got back to the UK. Eventually in November they decided they couldn't be friends and he said that they didn't see each other again.

Then I asked him if it had happened before that, and he said he'd had 2 one night stands with 2 different women. The first was while he was living away from me on Base before we had kids (but while we were actively trying for a baby and had had 2 miscarriages. I was also very low during this time due to career choice and not knowing what I wanted to do). The second was 3 years later while on a residential course. The first he basically went on a date (was invited to a woman's house for dinner on his own and one thing led to another) and the second was following a drunken evening.

So it appears that all 3 happened in quite different circumstances, and DH says that the reasons he did it include him never having a relationship before he met me, us both being young when we got married, being apart so much (we've worked out that we've been apart more than we've been together for the last 7 years), lack of intimacy between us, him feeling guilty about wanting more/different sex from me.

I told him to leave, and he lived with his sister for a couple of months, coming back often to see the kids, and we've both had individual counselling and been to couples counselling too. I've been through various stages - not believing it, sadness, and now am mostly very angry that he would do this to me and us and the kids. We talked a lot, and decided that he should take this overseas job for 6 months and come back every weekend to see if we could gently get to know each other again. I feel like we had something really good, and if I don't try to rebuild then I will always regret it. That's partly for the kids, but mostly for me.

But I just don't know how to have a 'new relationship with the same person' as the books say. I would be walking open eyed into a relationship with someone who I know is a cheat. There is no mystery or excitement - he's seen me giving birth, I've squeezed spots on his bum etc etc. We are surrounded by physical memories of our past relationship - the kids, photos, all the stuff in our house that we've collected over the years, that were our wedding presents. Hes also tainted my good memories of our time together because now i can only think "was this before or after? Was he acting? Pretending to be happy? How did i not notice?" How do we create something new out of that when we have very little time together as a family and even less as a couple - basically 3 hours on a Saturday night when he's home.

And how do I, personally, get past the anger to forgiveness? No matter how many times he says sorry, it can't undo what he's done. And I also have to make the leap of faith to trust him when he says it's never going to happen again, even when he's working away from home and travelling lots.

I do believe that he's told me everything, which might sound weird - he had nothing to gain from telling me about the one night stands. The reason he told me is because when he saw how excited I was getting about us all going away as a family, it broke his heart that I was preparing to do that without knowing what he'd done - he wanted me to have the facts in order to make the right decision for me. I think he's immature and naive, a people pleaser and a risk taker, and these things have all combined together. He seems to hate himself for what he's done, although he is also emotionally blunted - he says he can't feel anything. He's not cried, no matter what hurtful thing I say to him he responds with a very measured, reasonable voice, which is infuriating. However, he's also not saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me - he says he doesn't know and wants to have time getting to know each other again so that we can decide that together.

I'm not even sure if I've got a question to ask you all - my situation doesn't seem to fit many of the other ones on this board where people have caught their OHs out rather than the OH admitting it out of the blue but not actually having a OW.

Any thoughts would be very gratefully received. I'm so confused.

His mum will side with him. Do what is best for you. I wouldn't be moving with him now. Good luck.

He wants you to be the one that says the words to officially ends things because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, that bastard that got kicked out for cheating on his wife. He's a coward.

I'd let him go and do his dream job, quite honestly. If it's in a European city, it shouldn't be too hard for him to come home fairly often, and it won't be much different than if he was doing a tour of duty, so the children won't necessarily mind too much.

And then you can see how much you can cope with a) being on your own with your DC more regularly, and b) how you feel about the trust issue with him being away on his own.

Plus, he still hasn't come out and said how much you mean to him and how important it is to mend your marriage - he's more bothered about his job. Which is fine in one way - vocation, all right - but you're coming second place to his job, and in fact second place to him and his wants.

If your marriage is meant to last, it will last through the separation of him working away and coming back, maybe once every couple of weeks or once a month or whatever. Plus, if it's near enough, you can take the children over there once in a while too.

If it causes too much trouble, then the split will be easier if he's working away anyway - won't be that different for the children, etc.

Worst thing would be for you all to relocate and THEN split up. Especially if it's in a country where you don't speak the language, and they're signed up to the Hague Convention, AND you've been there long enough for the children to be "habitually resident" there. You'd be stuck.

Im sorry its turned out like this OP. I think you know youre flogging a dead horse here.

he says it's never going to happen again, even when he's working away from home and travelling lots
How is he ensuring that it won't happen again? What kind of things will he be doing to put boundaries in place? As a serial cheater, he's going to really struggle with not being tempted again...

The fact that he told you about previous infidelities along with his behaviour (not telling you that he really wants you & loves you etc) suggest he wants you to end the marriage. He seems to be leaving all the hard work to you and not doing much to fix things.

So he's got his dream job and 6 months away from the family (where he can continue to play the 'single man' lifestyle if he so chooses during the week)?

I agree with everything APlaceontheCouch says. Very sorry for your situation. You can't rebuild a relationship with someone who won't be around much, especially if there are trust issues, and it really doesn't sound like he wants to. If there is one positive to it, it's that you are used to being without him for long periods of time, as are the kids, so a break now might be less devastating for you all than you think. Don't dwell on what might have been.

Thank you for all your responses.

Part of the reason I feel so confused is that for me, infidelity has always been an absolute deal breaker. In fact, during our discussions, DH said he remembers me saying that to him right back when we got married. So he has always known my feelings on cheating and yet still did it. 3 times. So the confusion comes from the question "does what we had and could have in the future outweigh the hurt caused by his betrayal?"

I oscillate wildly between never wanting to see him again (often I can barely look at him when we're together and it's a massive effort to act normally in front of the kids) and wanting to throw myself into his arms and feel safe again.

He has applied to see the work counsellor at his new job - the possibility of there being a post-trauma element to his reaction has been raised by my counsellor and our joint counsellor. He was a medic, so not only did he see many horrendous things, he was the one who had to support everyone else emotionally and never received any proper debrief or post-event support himself.

LeaLeander - I think you've touched on a really important point. I'm not scared about parenting on my own, but I am scared of being on my own for the rest of my life especially when I just feel like I'm getting my mojo back now after having kids. But it will take a very special man to take on me and 4 kids and agree not to have any kids of their own with me, because I'm absolutely certain I don't want any more.

Hence the confusion - better the devil you know?

Umm.... are you sure he really wanted you to go to Europe with him.... or was him telling you about his affairs a way of keeping you over here so he can carry on

Funny you should say that, StableYard.

Among the discussions, he forwarded me an email from the HR department at this new job, so I could read the proposed terms and conditions for myself. Right down at the bottom of the email chain was one from him to them, saying thanks for their contact and proposing the OW he had the affair with for another job on the same team, attaching her CV. That email was 4 days before he told me, and weeks after the last contact he said he'd had with her in November. He says he suggested her because he'd already decided to tell me, and he thought that would mean that he definitely wouldn't be taking this job. He can't see how hurtful that was, whatever his underlying motivations - in the best case he was still trying to do something nice for her and had lied to me about them not being in contact, in the worst case he thought I would chuck him out and he was setting it up for them to be together out there. He says the former, that he wasn't functioning properly because he was in such a state. But he was functioning enough to get her CV and send it to them.

I just logged in to say exactly the same as stableyard. It sounds like he is keeping his options open. He will have free rein to do what he likes when he is away if you don't go with him. He is setting it all up to suit him.

Oh OP I really feel for you. My stomach actually turned over reading your post. DH cheated on me when we first started going out. He kissed another girl and it was an awful time. I forgave him as his mother has just died after a long illness and we were together a month. We are together 16 years and I still feel sick when I think of finding out about a silly stupid kiss. I can honestly say that I think I could forgive a drunken one night stand when lonely and far from home. I say think, because I really dont know until I am put in that position. But premeditated affairs? Where he went on dates and organised a relationship knowing that he had a wife, a family, a life at home? God I dont think I would be strong enough to get over that. Not saying that you aren't. You could be but he has to give you time to figure out if you can be strong enough to forgive if not forget.

You need to focus on yourself first here. You get to be the selfish one now because he has been the selfish prat who has put you and his family in this position. He did this, created this situation and he cant demand that you try again or think of the children when he never did. You need to ask yourself if you can ever trust him again and what he can do to build your trust. He is saying he shouldn't have to choose. To be honest he lost the right to chose. You are the one who is holding everything together and holding the children and your family together. He is saying he shouldn't have to choose and honestly that says it all. He should want to be near you begging forgiveness and being there for his children. He should want to tell you he loves you and you bloody well deserve that! And if you feel he isn't showing you that he loves you and wants your trust and forgiveness you absolutely do not have to feel guilty in telling him to hit the road.

Affairs and one night stands are rife in the armed forces. There is very much a mentality that what happens away happens and not one mentions it. So many of my friends have divorced their husbands because not only did they sleep around but they were doing it the whole relationship. It was ingrained in them that if you needed to take the "edge off" then that was ok and totally normal. Its not ok just because everyone else is doing it.

Be selfish, its allowed

Oo crap. That bit about putting OW forward to work on the same team is bad. :(

Do you know whether or not they have taken her on? Would that make any difference to your trust levels, or your decision to go with him?

I do understand your feelings, honestly I do - but please do consider what I've said about the Hague Convention and so on, because it could make a very big difference to how things pan out for you.

He can't see how hurtful that was
Oh sweetheart, of course he can see how hurtful that was. He just doesn't care and if he acknowledged that it was obviously hurtful, he'd have to do something like apologise or own his problems. By pretending he's oblivious to something that a 6-yr-old could see was hurtful, he's forcing you to explain why it hurts. He's putting the onus back on to you again.

I rarely say this but he really is not a nice man. You can't feel safe in his arms again. He isn't a safe haven. He's the person who risked your marriage; your ability to trust; your family's security and is now questioning your perception of events by pretending he can't see the hurt he has caused.

Your counsellor should be helping you to see this, to differentiate between the reality and the hopes, and to start to build a life that's not just existing on the periphery of his wants and needs.

Speaking as someone who stayed after a partner's affair with a colleague overseas my advice is unless he is grovelling at your feet, and willing to do whatever you need, walk away and do so with your head held high.

It is very difficult to move on from infidelity, and impossible where one partner is not 100% committed to making it work. I still struggle 4 years on, and DH has done everything including leaving his job to try and convince me to trust him. Staying is by far the harder option as you have to live with the knowledge of what they have done.

It's very obvious that he is is being honest with you because he knows that he has no intention in ever being faithful to you.

I have a friend in a similar situation, they moved to NZ she was in full knowledge of his cheating but it was her dream to live there. He had a fullblown affair while she was pregnant before they moved.

She lives the life she always wanted, sees him when he's in the country (he travels a lot with work) and puts up the front of having a great life.

He visited us last week with his mistress/girlfriend in tow as he said she was his PA. He has made no secret of his love and passion for her. Because we know his wife, she is a good friend of ours too, to say we are uncomfortable is an understatement but who are we to judge if it suits them?

His wife would rather have what she can of him because she is in love with him but tbh none of us can understand how anyone could live with the humiliation.

It's up to you op, are you so besotted with him so that he can never do wrong and want to keep up appearances for the sake of your dc, lifestyle, friends and family as in my friend's case ?

He says that she didn't take the job. But I only have his word for that.

Thank you for pointing out the Hague Convention, ThumbWitchesAbroad. I hadn't considered that - and it would be awful to be stuck there with no support network and not able to come home.

I feel awful for you, and it's very selfish of him to tell you now after all this time. He's not done it for your sake! He's unsure about what he wants and coming clean is the perfect way to distance himself from you. That OW email is bullshit, he obviously wanted to be with her out there and had every intention of taking the job. Your kids will be just fine, by the sounds of it there won't be much of a change anyway. Being single raising 4 kids will be hard at first, but you will get used to it and you will find someone else, you deserve so much better

And I have to be fair to him and say that he has said sorry, lots. He's not trying to put any blame on me, and says that I don't deserve him.

I don't know why, in the face of all his words and actions, I'm still confused. It seems pretty simple when it's all laid out here - and yet, I don't seem able to make a decision.

I am so, so, so, so sorry OP, but it feels to me there is no "choice" open to you here. I didn't want to have to say that, and of course I could always be wrong, but it sounds as if the only possible future he's offering you is the old adage of someone scared to strike the final blow in a break-up; "I'm not saying we definitely won't be together in the future, but we would have to fall in love all over again, discover each other anew and build a whole new relationship."

In not so many words I fear he's telling you right now you two have nothing. And he's just waiting for you to agree. Waiting for his release.

Even the 'I don't deserve you' comment is pushing you away. He means he is a bastard and you are putting up with it.

He should be saying, I love you, i want to be with you, I want to make it work.

Without that I don't see much hope I'm afraid.

OP by disclosing his actions he's telling you indirectly about the kind of man he is, so that you have to shoulder the responsibility of making this difficult decision. He's already checked out.

He says he's sorry because he doesn't want to admit the kind of man he is. In his head he's a good guy that has slipped up. Not a lying, cheat who has deceived his wife and torn his family apart. He's looking to you to put the final nail in the coffin of your relationship because he's not able to accept the responsibility of his actions

Your posts sound so measured, OP. You sound like an amazing woman. I had an affair with someone who sounds a bit like your dh (a long time ago). I have seen the other side, as it were, and wanted to offer you another perspective.

I THINK he is probably very confused. I think he probably knows he is the kind of guy who struggles with fidelity, and has probably resisted temptation many times, but has caved in as well at times. I think he feels unable to say that he wants/ loves you, whilst knowing deep down that he is not going to be able to be faithful. He is perhaps beating himself up about that too, and has no confidence to be able to tell you words of everlasting commitment. I think he is telling you that this is him, and you can decide whether to accept it, or not. He may not know this, but this is what he is doing.

I think you have a choice: To accept he is this way and that it will happen again, that the love you have for him is worth having some of him, if not all of him, as he is your primary commitment and you are the mother of his kids. I am fairly sure if you were 'ok' with sexual infidelity that he would not have emotional affairs, because it would take away the thrill. It would be purely sex, and the love/ commitment would be to you and the family. OR you say, "I cannot accept that you are this way. This is not the marriage I wanted and I can't do it."

It is a very sad place to be, but I don't think his heart is in being 100% faithful to you. He is not doing the things that would communicate that, because he doesn't believe he can be. And if he doesn't believe it about himself, it's not going to happen.

In my opinion if he wanted your marriage to really continue he would not have told you about his infidelity. Why has he told you, he had seemingly "got away with it" If he had wanted to preserve the status quo he would have kept schtum, but he didn't did he?. Instead its all left up to you to make the decision and he gets to absolve himself from any responsibility and is in effect walking away from it all to do exactly what he wants.

I am so sorry for you and your situation OP but I don't think he has any intention of even trying to make your marriage work, but he can walk away with his head held high because he was "honest".

He was only honest with you because it suited him and he knew only too well how you felt about infidelity.

List the things that you might regret, and weigh them against what you have posted here. While I am not sure you have told us everything about his negatives, so far based on this thread I am leaning towards advising you this is the kind of partner who scorns and runs from all that you value in a relationship.