Husha, its ok to cry. In fact it can be very healing. There's something in tears that are therapeutic but I dont know what it is - I can just recall reading about it.
Ive been really busy these last few days. When I was with my husband I used to gather preloved cloths and every year when he went back to the country he grew up in he would take the clothes - its a very poor country. But I hadn't done it for 4 years and just a few days ago one of his childhood friends contacted me and said we could really be doing with the clothes you used to send as a lot of people are in very dire straights. I thought it was very brave of him because he's actually been told by my husband - chose me or her as a friend! And I was in a bit of a situation because the family and friends I used to collect from had all found other places to donate to.
Anyway I came up with the idea of buying bundles of secondhand clothes on local FB pages, (and there's a lot given the exodus of people due to the Crunch here) but to my amazement I was inundated with people saying we don't want money but please come and take these clothes. So I just took them up on their offer and said let me know where to come and collect them? And thats what Ive been doing for two days now. Ive been all over the blooming place collecting donations and once home me and my sons carers have been laundering the ones that have been in a cupboard for a while and smell a bit foosty.
I swear Im exhausted but its the nicest kind of exhaustion because Ive really enjoyed myself. Ive met women from all countries of the world and its been just great even though Im shattered and my broken toe looks like a banana.
But there was also something else and that was the fact I looked at the donations, all 9 huge cartons of them, and thought to myself there is no way he can take this as part of his luggage allowance when he goes nest month. ! And yes, that was my plan, to get him to take it with him on his annual trip back to where my MIL and FIL are buried. So I called him and said look blah blah - and before I could get to the third blah he said - I will arrange door to door cargo for this! And I know that sounds great but when you put it into perspective and remember he hasn't seen our son for a year no one will blame you for not getting excited!
Anyway we chatted for half an hour (it means in almost 3 years we've chatted for 45 minutes) and at one stage I realised I could hear this very articulate and confident woman in my car and it was a minute or two before I realised - jeezy peeps thats you!!!! That very well spoken and confident woman is you! It really is you!!! And by God did I loved myself! He was hanging on to every word I said and whilst he was hanging on I thought to myself if there is someone in the car with him and he is on loudspeaker they will be thinking - you are a bloody fool Mr!
The bottom line is that I recognised myself from a very long time ago. From a time long before I dumbed myself down because his antics had me completely and utterly against the ropes. I was a shadow of my former self for so long and when I saw my Counsellor today and said 'I wouldnt have him back because I'm a better and happier person without him' - I bloody well meant it! '
Oh and when he said to me 'I'm really proud of you for doing this' - it really didnt matter and I just said to him - thank you. I felt absolutely no need to say anything else!
You'll all get to this stage one day. Honestly 