On line dating and (much) older men.

[coalfire]

I've tried so hard! I have rewritten my profile. I've put up smiley pictures. I am fifty and I have an age range of 46-58 for a possible mate. And yet ONLY MEN WHO ARE SIXTY PLUS CONTACT ME. With an average age of 65.

I don't want to have a seventy year old boyfriend in five years. I am sure there are lots of young seventy year olds. But as my last boyfriend was 36 it mean I will have effectively skipped over 35 years of men. by the time my kids are grown up I will have to start looking after my 75 year old partner.
I am not sure what to do. Or I am sure what to do. I should lie about my age. these men are no doubt lying about their age. Loads of them look around 101 anyway.
I am feeling so exhausted and cynical. I've been at this for months, and I think one 50 something has contacted me in this time.
What can I do? Any online dating sites you can recommend?

They didn't put it quite like that, but pretty close

Even I draw the line somewhere, though!

And I guess it goes without saying that most men are at least reasonably realistic, but I do think dating sites can be a depressing reminder of certain attitudes and hangups. And every now and again you do still get blown away by the gall! I had a director of a company I worked at vaguely crack on to me in the corridor during one of his annual visits and the old git was born during the Blitz.

Was quite handsome for such an old fossil, mind you

I'm 52, been on OLD for 18 months off and on and I think I found the solution to the 65+ crowd contacting me - I put in my profile I work full time with no plans for retirement. I have attended many of the singles Happy Hours and talked to these guys in person and they are really looking for 24/7 companionship since they are retired. (Well, the line is usually, "I'm retired, but I'm a Uber driver for fun.")

It's worked so far, better than anything else. I'm just not what they are looking for time-wise. I also changed out my pictures which increased traffic and attracted younger men for some reason - not a lot younger but 5 years which is good. I guess for whatever reason my last profile picture wasn't that great. But in the end, I really just like attending the OLD functions and I don't go on any actual dates very much. I don't mind chatting to these older guys at the parties. Some of them are really interesting people. But date? I don't know about that.

I met a man on a paid OLD site last year. He was 41 and I was 40. We had so much in common. I've never experienced it before. We just clicked from the first instance and were finishing each other's sentences. We both said we'd never made such a connection with another person. Etc etc.

And then one day about 3 months in, we were talking about dating experiences and expectations. He told me that he'd found it difficult to come to terms woth having to date "older women" and I realsied shortly afterwards that he was constantly checking out much younger women every time we went out. In some cases they were barely 20.

So I dumped him. I've been single since with no intention/chance of it changing. And llittle opportunity either!
My experience has shown me (more than once) that what men think about me is along the lines of "I like you. We get on well and are really compatible. Which is lovely, but I wanted someone younger".

I can't believe that, at 41, I'm actually past my use by date.

IRL too, and not just online.

I would never have dated a man older than maybe 41 (and that is pushing it). Didn't date many shorter than 6'1 either. I'm 35 and honestly didn't find it an issue getting dates at all. My boyfriend of one year is 32 and is a decent man who doesn't view women as trophies. They are out there.

If I lie about my age in order to show up in people's searches, I get an entitled older man who's ageist. I don't want one of those so I tell the truth. Why would i want someone who can't deal with the fact that I'm 43?

Ive seen it mentioned more times then I care to remember in profiles I don't think anyone is bothered by it.

I am.

I don't message (or reply to) anyone who says in their profile "this says I am XX but I am actually YY".
Even if YY is within my range.

I give them a miss if they say I'm 60+ but look much younger, they are mostly just kidding themselves and they bear little resemblance to their decade old photo.
I had one guy, 67 who claimed he was much younger in his head and in looks, he wasn't
He repeatedly asked if he could take me out one night.
I may have told him, that I couldn't go out at night due to my curfew and what with wearing my tag I could only wear shell suit trousers but could wear my best white stilettos, which I know I look good in as I've stopped people in their track to gaze at me.
Even that failed to work, he suggested we meet in the daytime, I blocked him in the end.

If you haven't already, give Guardian Soulmates a try. It is slow, doesn't have the volume of people outside London, and the good ones do get snapped up, but I think there are more sincere people genuinely looking on there than time wasters/marrieds)

I think a lot of my problem with online dating is that I'm in a rural area that doesn't have many people at all, let alone available men in their 40s who I might be interested in and who might be interested in me. So to answer the travel question, I would travel but I would not move for a relationship - worst mistake I ever made in my life was putting a relationship before my ability to earn my own money. It isn't a mistake I will repeat and I won't move for anyone's benefit but my own. Yes, I realise that is limiting and it might mean remaining single, but so be it.

So if I use specialist sites I just narrow things down even further. I've decided the answer is just to do more stuff locally and meet people IRL.

Re: lying about age. The OLD functions I attend are grouped by age. They send out invitations based on the age in your profile. Most of the ones I attend are for ages 45-65, sometimes 45-59. They also have 25-45. I don't know what the 65+ crowd gets. Do they have Happy Hours for 66+? So, there is motivation to lie to get the invitations to the Events.

I'm 27, and my guy is 40. He was out of my age range when I was younger. But we get on. Try getting to know the person not the age

Tell that to the MEN!!
Id date an older man but there's a limit.

In fact all men ve dated onlne have been older. 4-5 years older
the only one im still in touch with tho is 3 yrs yoinger.

What you find on a lot of the paid sites is, it is free to join, but not to message. I believe a lot of people sign up for a laugh to look through the profile but never actually pay to sue the site properly.

Try getting to know the person not the age

As PP have said, there is a difference between dating someone older than you and dating someone older than you who thinks he's entitled to a woman 15 years younger. The age gap doesn't bother me - I'd like it not to be the be all and end all for him. I don't want to go out with someone ageist and I don't like the thought that I'm valued for physical youth alone. I know attraction is important, but if I'm valued because I'm 43 to his 55, what happens when he decides to "upgrade"? And how much time have I then wasted being with a knob end?

The OKC stats on this are disheartening. Whilst they are (iirc) based on US members, they bear out what I've experienced. Men on average will set their parameters to, say 0-15 years younger than they are but actually contact women 10-20 years younger. Now if they're 50 and want a last shot at having kids then good luck to them. But if that isn't the case then they're being entitled, unrealistic arses.

what Gabilan says.

Wonder what the stats are on women replying to messages from men 10-15 years older!?
and what are the stats on women showing up on dates with these men 10-15 years older being attracted to them.

It really can't be much fun for the men, endlessly being rejected and then when they finally get a younger woman to give him a chance, she shows up he doesn't win her over and she definitely wouldn't consider a second date.

Because men are so fussy in the messaging stage, I feel that the option of a second date is always my choice.

Yes, Gabilan. Agree completely.

I suspect men do get younger women, and aren't left constantly disappointed, because 1) it is culturally acceptable and 2) some women want a partner more than caring about the arsiness of a man choosing a younger partner. that's just the way it goes. for some people, being coupled is very important.

I am also interested that the fact that I am, say, solvent, and very well educated and have had, in my life, a high profile job, count for nought. but if i were a man - goodness, I'd be batting off the ladies. I'd be a catch.

For anyone who may be interested there is apparently a new feminist dating app called Bumble.

You sound in a similar situation coalface, I'm solvent educated and a widow, some blokes get the idea I may be a meal ticket, I'm widowed, not desperate.
I'm not keen on the idea of a much older man, I wouldn't want to be widowed again, I understand all too well that people of all ages die, I'm probably just a bit over cautious, I'm in no rush, if it never happens that will be fine too.
Meetup.com is very good for all sorts of interest groups, there are ones for singles with different age brackets too.

My best friend, who is gay, has quite seriously told me I should consider turning my attention to women as I might get more luck there.

I am not gay.

What'd be the point though!?

My friend worked in a dating agency once and she often had men looking for much younger women. Most had money and position so wanted someone young, slim and attractive on their arm to show others how successful they were.

Not sure that's work anyway, coal. I'm bi and I find it much easier to get dates with men than with women. (I figure it's a numbers thing. There are more straight/bi men than there are gay/bi women.)

I don't respond to guys who's maximum age is lower than their own age.

I think some people lie about their age to make it harder for RL people to find them on dating sites. Anybody who knows I'm on OKC would find it pretty easy to find me based on my home town and age.

Coal, my best friend, who is gay, told me very seriously that I wasn't when I suggested that I try lesbianism. His honesty is one of the things I value most about him

you don't need somebody ELSE to tell you that you're not a lesbian surely?!

I can't imagine just going and trying being a lesbian. If you're going to 'try' people you're not attracted to, just go out with a slightly shorter or slightly less attractive man. ''trying being a lesbian'' is a bit soap opera-ish