On line dating and (much) older men.

[coalfire]

I've tried so hard! I have rewritten my profile. I've put up smiley pictures. I am fifty and I have an age range of 46-58 for a possible mate. And yet ONLY MEN WHO ARE SIXTY PLUS CONTACT ME. With an average age of 65.

I don't want to have a seventy year old boyfriend in five years. I am sure there are lots of young seventy year olds. But as my last boyfriend was 36 it mean I will have effectively skipped over 35 years of men. by the time my kids are grown up I will have to start looking after my 75 year old partner.
I am not sure what to do. Or I am sure what to do. I should lie about my age. these men are no doubt lying about their age. Loads of them look around 101 anyway.
I am feeling so exhausted and cynical. I've been at this for months, and I think one 50 something has contacted me in this time.
What can I do? Any online dating sites you can recommend?

At 60 I have decided not to put myself through the trauma of OLD (well OLD is the key word really) as men my age are only interested in women aged 45-55. I just want someone my own age - a few years either way - but not in their 70s as I feel they will be at a different stage of life from me.

I found OLD tiresome too. I'm late 30s, single for 5 years with kids. I'm reasonable looking (although better when I was younger...maybe 9/10 now slipped to 7/10) I was only contacted about once a fortnight (yes, I do contact men) and these men tend to be 10+ years older than me or live 100+ miles away. I gave up awhile ago. 😟

JOOI what's the team think on distance?.

I have seen some ladies who I'd like to meet up the other end of the UK some 100/200 odd miles away and OK a few closer to home. Now if a serious relationship broke out in order to make it work in the conventional sense I think it reasonable to expect that we'd like to live under the same roof.

Now a single mum with children to move much of a distance would mean the children changing school their friends and mates being left behind and of course if the the man's a single parent with children, OK I know there are less of they around, much the same effect and disruption. So would you consider moving and the disruption it could cause or do you look out for people and possible matches closer to home i.e. within say 10 miles or thereabouts?.

You've gotta understand how online dating sites match your profile too other daters. They do based off the age the person viewing you is looking to date hence you have guys at 70-50 asking to date 40-50.

Secondly, as another poster mentioned all ready some guys think they are entitled too date 20 years younger them themselves the reality is a tad harsher most women don't want to date them.

So, you have too look for the guys in between that are looking too date in and around their own ages give or take 5 years either side, am not saying its easy it can be done. Ignore all the older guys its that simple.

Dear CiaoVerona If I ignore 'all the older guys' there is literally NO ONE ELSE LEFT!!!!!!!!!

Some people use the trick of putting a number in their username. So Ohforfoxsake41.

I'm not 41 but the assumption is I am. Then you don't lie in the details because you've already got their attention.

Coalfire do you send messages or expect guys to contact you am of the opinion ,hard as it is to take rejection, if you don't message guys you lessen the chances greatly of meeting someone.

What sites have you tried?

i send messages. if i waited, i would get nowhere as I was only contacted about four times a month... by men on average 15 years older.

which sites would you recommend?

I'm finding that although I'm 51 I've had a steady stream of the 70+ blokes, like you I don't want to be rude, I usually find a reason why it wouldn't work.
if the profiles are to be believed, then a Sunday walk in the country should yield a plethora of single blokes.
How do you say, thanks, but no thanks? I'm finding it tiresomely deflating.

I once had a thread like this deleted! not sure why, so I hope yours survives.

Yes, I agree with the suggestion up thread to lie about your age. I may take a break and then come back as a forty year old (minus five).

i did want to have the integrity not to lie about my age but I didn't bank on the sense of entitlement that older men have to a younger woman. They think ageing is something that only applies to women!

On pof you can change your settings so that nobody over a certain age can message you. Seven years older is my absolute limit. And even then, I look at some of them and think, I look after myself, and you .......... don't.

Depends on your location.

Soul Mates is very busy in London its pretty much its target audience as in media type, travel the world..... daily type guys and women ,any where else its not so busy.

Match, is busy in most big cities, down sides lots of fake profiles and its costly.

OKC is busy everywhere if you can work your way through the chafe you should manage some decent dates.

POF is also busy everywhere.

Tinder; Its busy and linked too your FB profile

Failing all of the above; Maybe try meet ups, you know something you have an interest in that has equal amounts of both sexes is a great way too meet potential dates at the very least you'll meet some new friends.

The paid sites are worse btw
I think on the pay sites the men think ''I paid money for this site, I'm damned if I'm dating a woman my own age!''. The oldest man I ever went out with was on a paid site and he was so entitled. {vom}

But don't get depressed OP

As the quotable Twinklestein said, ''yeh, men all over the internet claim they won't date a woman their own age and most of them are at home alone making mashed potato for one'' and she's right. I've had more dates than my male friend who is 49 because he just scrolls through the profiles of 35 year olds.

You know, there is a some logic around being less then truthful about your age the major one is if you age your self down five years your profile is shown to younger men.

But, if you go down that route Id mention it in your profile, Ive seen it mentioned more times then I care to remember in profiles I don't think anyone is bothered by it. I know both sexes are rightly annoyed if they meet someone and they say ....am actually X years younger

yes, exactly ciaoverona, just to show up in the searches!
but then at the end of your blurb, put, actually, I'm forty five but these photos are recent and I'm size XX (whatever).

I like the idea up thread to put a number in your user name like Fightingfit40

Regarding distance Justaboy, I only searched with a 10 mile radius as I didn't want to get to know and like someone with whom it would be difficult to meet up. I have my DCs with me 6 days a week and most of the men I was looking for had theirs on various days too, so it would have been a nightmare!

As it is, I met the absolute love of my life on POF, he is 4.5 years younger than me so he only just made it into my search criteria! He works a couple of miles from my house so can pop over for lunch in the week and lives about 15 miles away so it is really easy to meet up when we have our DCs around.

OP, I was on Match and POF and it was all the same people on both so I didn't bother paying the Match subscription and just used POF wisely. I hid my profile so nobody could message me, then just scrolled through the list of men who fitted within my age criteria (-5 years and +10 years) in my local area, with kids, non smokers etc. I hadn't realised they would be able to see when I added them to my 'like' list but DP got a notification and sent me a message, we met up straight away and it was pretty much love at first sight.

Only took me about 5 dates to strike gold! Good luck with it. I know it's not that simple for everyone, but it can be fun - I kind of miss it in a way, all that potential and promise.

Agree about older men looking for younger women. I have a friend who is fifty and often complains that women are not replying to his messages. He is handsome, but he only messages women who are below 35 and who look like super models.

I'm in my 40s but look 5-8 years younger than my age (or so I am often told) and went out with a guy who claimed to be one year older than me but who looked at least 5 years older than he said.

It tourned out that he is actually A bit short of 15 years older than me, he lied about his age because he thought I wouldn't have agreed to date him if he had put his true age (he was right) but I'm glad that he lied, he is full of beans and adventure, and has made me very happy for years

It could be said that I am more educated than him, but he has a full catalogue of interesting life experiences and a subdued wisdom that makes my education somewhat irrelevant, we are equals.

If you look around at couples in the street, you will see that men mostly always look much younger than their wives. So I would say that a man that if you are 50, a sixty something is not necessarily a bad idea.

This is what I am worriedelighted about, mid-thirties, having been left for a 23 year-old ...

What an unfortunate auto-correct.

I don't know distance is a problem if you really like someone at one point I was living between two countries I used to fly back and forth bi weekly too date. Obviously its not ideal if you like someone and think its worth giving a go you'll make the effort.

With regards to all these guys looking to date say 15/20 years younger then themselves, I have a theory.

I would suspect the majority have married reasonably young they may have even married the first or second women they dated.
Suddenly, they're now divorced they start online dating, they presume( Badly) they have the right to ( In their minds) make up for perceived lost time and have some young women on their arms,its actually quite a deluded way of thinking most of them have no fucking chance what so ever.

coalfire but think of the benefits a good older man could bring to the table, own home, loads in the bank, take you on exotic holidays

The above was written by bellyfella its more of the same entitlement. You know, let me buy you.

MeMySon There has been a couple of older men with that sense of entitlement on the tv show Take Me Out (im" treated" to Sat night ITV when i go to see my parents. One of these guys actually told his date that he actually goes for slim Barbie doll types.

I actually prefer older men and am married to one but there is a big difference between an older man and an entitled older man.

HelenaDove, I think you're pretty spot on there.

Am midway through my 20s and very briefly flirted with online dating at about 21. Had been "warned" by various friends that I would be inundated with messages from Last of the Summer Wine extras and thought I'd hit the jackpot and found my spiritual home, since most every man I fancy is somewhere between 40 and 55. And usually poor, to cap it all.

My friends were right, but I was wrong. I do think it may have been the site I chose (and I ended up bailing after a fortnight anyway and seeing various men at work, which may or may not have been wise) but from what little I saw, the bulk of the older men I interacted with or observed were a particular 'type' and did seem to feel that they were somehow entitled to a younger woman in the way that one feels entitled to a pint after a shit day at work. Some of them were attractive, but let's face it, women like me who go after miserable old codgers that look like backbench MPs and have adult children are basically as good as freaks. These men therefore get continually knocked back, and then half the time they're bitter about women on top of feeling entitled to them.

This may sound obvious, but is it worth looking into a different dating site? From what I understand there are dating sites and dating sites, some have a very different feel to others. Not to suggest you should try and juggle four sites at once, which might be a nightmare! But maybe worth taking a break from this one and experimenting with another? I think it's safe to assume from what you describe that the problem is not you.

Just realised that wasn't really very helpful or instructive with regard to alternatives, sorry coalfire!

From having nosed about once or twice on advertised profiles on the Guardian I noticed a few men I've spotted in their 40s-50s on the Guardian Soulmates that (to my slight sadness at the time!) specified that they are only really interested in women of a similar age to them. Apologies if this is the one you've been trying out, but might be worth a look?

pmsl at Last of the Summer Wine extras.