DP lost his shit with DS this morning...

[DafferDill]

I have three DC (5, 7 and 10). Ex h and I are divorced.

DP and I have lived together for 18 months.

Ex h is a very hands on dad, always clowning around and cuddling. DP is much quieter and more serious, he's not very close to my DC.

DS 7 who is normally a very placid kind child has been whining a lot lately and bickering with his younger brother, this often ends in whacking each other and someone crying. He isn't really fond of DP.

Last night DC were telling me that DP has favourites and he doesn't like DS 5. DS 7 said yes, I can whack my younger brother as hard as I like and DP says I just tapped him and he's crying for nothing....

I brought this up when we were all eating last night. DP got cross with DS 7 and said its not true he doesn't have favourites.

At 7am this morning the boys start bickering. DS 7 hits DS 5 really hard. DP hears this and starts bellowing at DS 7, who starts crying as he's scared if DP.

All DC are now glum, I feel glum and depressed and DP is at work.

In DP's defence he has developed a severe back problem, is in a lot of pain and awaiting surgery.

sorry for your sons, espec the littlest.

I feel more for your DP in this situation than for your DC.

Discussions about favouritism and treatment of the children is something to be talked about away from the children first, and then you can plan together if it is something to bring up with them to address any perceived issues.

If your DP can''t play much due to back pain then your DC need to know this and you can come up with activities they can do together - board games etc.

He was accused of not telling off your DS, so he clearly shouted at him as he thought that's what you/everybody wanted of him. And of course when you tell a child off, they will blame their sibling/say that someone else started it/cry etc.

As someone else has suggested, your DP shouldn't be having to discipline the children, I found life much better as a step-mum to leave that to my DSD father. It made a much better family dynamic.

The older two love chess so what about the youngest? The one that everyone's agreed isn't liked? Poor kid.

Looking at this incident in isolation:

Your DS (7) hit your other DS (5). This is after DS (7) had effectively said that he knows he's been getting away with this behaviour.

This time your DP pulled him up on it.

So..............what's the problem? If one of my kids whacked the other one, I'd yell at them to cut it out.

I get why you have concerns that he hasnt bonded with your kids, but this incident? meh!

It's your dp I feel sorry for. Your 7yo sounds like a brat with all the hitting of his younger brother and needs some serious discipline. Any parent would have bellowed and gotten angry at that. He probably turned on the tears because he got scared at someone reprimanding him.

I agree with the others. Also children don't switch off being close to someone just because they are in pain and can't jump around. Not at that age!

It's difficult to judge from the outside.

Your do could be a shit step dad

Or it could be a perfect storm of problems that erupted at once. Dp in pain, can't play with the kids, kids feeling he doesn't bother anymore, the whole family accusing dp of allowing one cold to physically hurt another, that child then doing exactly that and he snapped.

We all lose our shit. I am currently housebound and in immense pain at the moment. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to tell the kids off or I might just lose my shit. Thankfully my kids know what a state I am and try their best.

I really don't think it was a good idea to sit round telling dp he allows one son to hurt the other and attribute that to favouritism then expect nothing to happen.

Personally I don't think you need to kick dp out because the 7 year old doesn't like him anymore. Especially if this is only because he can't play with him at the moment.

Regardless of your dp though, what do you do when you 7 year old smacks his brother. That really needs tackling as does the impression he has of being able to get away with it.

Get rid of DP, these are your kids, they'll never forget this. Put them first now.