DP lost his shit with DS this morning...

[DafferDill]

I have three DC (5, 7 and 10). Ex h and I are divorced.

DP and I have lived together for 18 months.

Ex h is a very hands on dad, always clowning around and cuddling. DP is much quieter and more serious, he's not very close to my DC.

DS 7 who is normally a very placid kind child has been whining a lot lately and bickering with his younger brother, this often ends in whacking each other and someone crying. He isn't really fond of DP.

Last night DC were telling me that DP has favourites and he doesn't like DS 5. DS 7 said yes, I can whack my younger brother as hard as I like and DP says I just tapped him and he's crying for nothing....

I brought this up when we were all eating last night. DP got cross with DS 7 and said its not true he doesn't have favourites.

At 7am this morning the boys start bickering. DS 7 hits DS 5 really hard. DP hears this and starts bellowing at DS 7, who starts crying as he's scared if DP.

All DC are now glum, I feel glum and depressed and DP is at work.

In DP's defence he has developed a severe back problem, is in a lot of pain and awaiting surgery.

Sadly, the operation is unlikely to cure his true personality. The one he is displaying openly now he has a ready made home with room service

I don't quite get this: it does sound as though DP has very serious problems that should be finite as surgery & recovery. If he was fine before these problems, I'd be inclined to tell him to walk away from disciplining when he's poorly as he's not reacting fairly. I do think you were very U to discuss DP's behaviour in front of your DC - either you're co-parenting and you agree a common approach beforehand on issues, or he's a lodger with no authority to discipline the DC...probably your 7 yo is acting up because he's not getting as much good attention from your DP.

I don't know if I'm missing something but I'm just reading that dp is not himself snd the children are picking up on it and putting their own spin on it.

See how it goes when dp has his op and if things get any better.

Hmm, you said that prior to the back issue he was good with the DC, did they like him then and did he shout a lot then? What was their behaviour like?

If things were better before, I'd be inclined to cut him some slack if the issue with his back is likely to be resolved in the next few weeks/months.

It's miserable being in constant pain. Imagine if you have sever toothache and your kids are squabbling over nothing, I think I'd certainly find myself being a bit shouty.

Well most of us get rattled sometimes. Kids can be bloody annoying, especially when they whinge and bicker.

What concerns me more is whether your DP ever makes any attempt to get close to your children. I couldn't have a man living with me who was frosty towards my children, even if the sex was great.

Is this a wind up?

I've been, almost, where your DP is.

It is hard, very hard, for a person in their position.

He is not their dad, he will not show the same level of contact, love, affection etc etc as their dad would. I would imagine to him it would feel weird and unnatural and not something that can be forced.

there is also the issue of a little jealousy creeping into the children, they feel like he is taking mummy time away etc. I'm not saying that you have to ignore what they say but it also has to be treated in a way as to not put too much stock into it, if that makes sense? At the end of the day you are an adult, no one would expect you to be single for ever just on the say so of your children, if they don't like this guy who is to say they will like any other guy?

I, now this is just what worked for us, I would highly suggest that a ground rule is put into place that says DP will not discipline or shout at the children unless he is the only adult in the house.
If he has issue with what the kids are doing then he can tell you and you can deal with it in such a way as you see fit.

I found that this calms every situation instantly, it got me out of the firing line of the squabbles, took me out of the room where they were annoying me, gave them clear lines of who will and won't discipline them etc.
It also stopped any chance of the children firing back with,
"You're not my dad, you can't tell me what to do"

It's tough, I understand how it is, you want everyone to be happy, play together, live together etc etc. but being that new member to a family, having no blood ties as it were, is a tough position. do too much, you're overstepping, do too little, you don't care.

The operation won't help. While being in pain does not see any of us at our sweetest by any means, it does not excuse his lack of interest in forming a nurturing bond with your children that extends beyond shouting at them when they piss him off.

And your kids have not taken against him because he can't play with them at the moment - don't be ridiculous. They have taken against him because he's disinterested in them and they know it.

Why are you and this man actually together?.

His back problem is no reason or justification for such behaviours.

Why have you subjected your most precious resource i.e. your children to someone like this person?. No wonder your eldest is playing up, he'll do anything to make you properly notice what is happening at home.

He rarely disciplined, unless I'm not their and only then if they start hitting each other. This morning he'd heard and almighty whack and DS 5 bawling.

He has a slipped disc so the surgery should be successful. He can't walk very well but as he's self employed he's had to carry on for the past 6 months with increasingly heavy painkillers.

I'm sure most parents will have loss their temper in a situation like this, especially when it happens regularly every morning.
It was obvious that your DP would shout at ds7 even more as your ds basically told him he knew he could get away with murder so I'm sure your DP was keen on making it clear that it wasn't the case.

Not being fun and playing should not the only reason for a deterioration of the relationship though.
Your dcs should learn to have some compassion for other people (in that case for your DP).

I agree there is something else going on there but I wouldn't be able to say what from your posts. Too little infos and in some ways ways confusing (eg your ds is scared of DP but he is also scared of you and his dad when any of you are shouting. There is no way to know whether he has a real reason to be scared of your DP iyswim)

I think I must be reading this the opposite way to some people.

The children both say he favours the older boy and lets him get away with thumping the younger one.
The OP mentions this to the DP.
The following day, the older boy (again) thumps the younger one and this time the DP yells at him and doesn't let him get away with it.

Is that right?

It sounds to me like he was trying to redress the balance and not be seen as favouring the older one.

I do have a lot of alone time with DC, but I do think they feel jealous of DP.

I' pretty sure they aren't scared of DP unless he shouts. I will speak to them about this tonight though. They have never said as much. They have said he's quiet.

Cross-post with LoveB, who said it better.

Yes two kitties that's right. Apologies if it wasn't clear.

I don't think it's fair to put your DP in a situation where he's the only one around to discipline at the moment because he is in extreme pain - I do think it's a very valid excuse not to be in sole charge of (other people's) DC if you're struggling with extreme pain and have to work. Your 7 year old's behaviour should be dealt with very consistently by you - he shouldn't be left alone with the 5 year old if he's whacking him regularly.

Why did you start this thread, Daffer?

You're not asking a question.

You started it by saying your dc are unhappy but every answer is in defence of your DP.

Nobody here was going to tell you to prioritise a new relationship over the happiness of your children.

So...what is it that you want?

My DS have been doing a lot of bickering over the past year. DS 5 can be very excitable and annoy and goad the older two. They get frustrated and won't let him play, or start shouting, DS 5 then cries and on and on it goes.

I agree with A Tail of by the way - I read it exactly like that, that your DH was trying to fix his behaviour - not the actions of a beast. But I think your approach together is wrong, you as the mum should be doing the disciplining due to the extreme circumstances. DH can always just remove the 5 year old calmly and tell the 7 year old that mum will give you consequences for this behaviour when she's home.

I'm with Tail. If one of my children hit another smaller child really hard, I think I might bellow a bit too.

actually, being in severe pain can make people depressed and lose their shit

however- I think you need to think a bit about long term happiness here
hand on heart, is it going to be beneficial for your kids to live with and grow up with someone that does not really care about them?

this thread really broke my heart yesterday. I am NOT saying this is you! but its quite an eye opener around step parents etc. read it
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2587095-To-feel-like-my-step-mum-has-stolen-my-dad-from-me-even-though-Im-a-grown-woman?

I think you need to do some thinking, and I do think you need to get this surgery done and dusted first

Well I have a bit of sympathy for him, and you.

My dh had 2 prolapsed discs for 4 years and the constant pain certainly affected his mood. He is normally happy, funny and endlessly patient but I saw a change in him.

Anyway, mornings are stressful enough without the back pain and squabbling and being a step parent must be very difficult.

He undoubtedly needs to work on his relationship with the children (assuming he wants things to be better). You said before he had back problems he would engage with the children and play with them - I hope things get back to that after the operation.

I think the main problem is at the moment DP's only involvement with DC is negative.

I understand it's hard for him right now but I think I need to speak to him again about his lack of interaction and perhaps give him an ultimatum.

I agree with Kitties and Boursin.
I feel for your DP, being in alot of pain can make me more inpatient than usual.
I feel for your 5 yr old too, given the circs I'm not surprised by DP's reaction, although from your posts I'm also not too sure how far his reaction went?
Your 7 yr old just sounds like a 7 yr old really to me.

Your partner seems to have followed a policy of not interfering with regard to your children and is sensibly not trying to be a substitute father. Your seven year old has capitalized on this as he appears to be allowed to hit his younger brother with impunity, and then accuses your partner of favouritism when he gets away with it. He misbehaves again and is shouted at by your partner, presumably trying to demonstrate that he does not have favourites after the previous night's conversation.

I would scrutinise the behaviour of the seven year old. He may well be scared by your partner if this is the first time he has been shouted at. Perhaps it will stop him from hitting his younger brother; do you find it acceptable that he is continually doing this?