DP lost his shit with DS this morning...

[DafferDill]

I have three DC (5, 7 and 10). Ex h and I are divorced.

DP and I have lived together for 18 months.

Ex h is a very hands on dad, always clowning around and cuddling. DP is much quieter and more serious, he's not very close to my DC.

DS 7 who is normally a very placid kind child has been whining a lot lately and bickering with his younger brother, this often ends in whacking each other and someone crying. He isn't really fond of DP.

Last night DC were telling me that DP has favourites and he doesn't like DS 5. DS 7 said yes, I can whack my younger brother as hard as I like and DP says I just tapped him and he's crying for nothing....

I brought this up when we were all eating last night. DP got cross with DS 7 and said its not true he doesn't have favourites.

At 7am this morning the boys start bickering. DS 7 hits DS 5 really hard. DP hears this and starts bellowing at DS 7, who starts crying as he's scared if DP.

All DC are now glum, I feel glum and depressed and DP is at work.

In DP's defence he has developed a severe back problem, is in a lot of pain and awaiting surgery.

I don't really understand this. DS7 was upset that DP doesn't tell him off when he hits DS5 but was then upset when DP finally did tell him off.

How does this make DP the bad guy? DS7 should stop hitting DS5.

If the poor guy can't play with the DC because of his back then this shouldn't be held against him.

Sounds like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

How long were you together before he moved in? What was his relationship with the dc like then?

They do get away with a lot more at ex's. They don't really get told off, do a lot of rough and tumble and play on iPads. Ex h is a hands on dad and a real clown. I get the shit bits!

That's not fair on you either - he's fun, Disney Dad and you're mean Mum. Can you talk to XH about this?

when you say 'it's unacceptable' are there tangible consequences? There needs to be a very clear matrix of which action gets which consequence for all of you to understand. TBH I'd be inclined to buy/have them bring the IPAD to your house, they have 30 mins of screen-time per day and they lose it in 5 mins increments for various misbehaviours according to the matrix.

I think you've rushed in. You've moved in together before it was appropriate to do so, telling yourselves it would all be fine. You're not alone in doing this...countless people do.

I think your dp needs to work on his role in the household just as he should have done and you should have insisted on, before he got his feet under the table. Clearly being your boyfriend while seeking to sideline your kids as something he doesn't have to bother with, is not working for you as a family unit. It's fragmented and resentment is setting in for all parties.

Basically, he can't be there and remain 'not very close' to his stepchildren. Of course your son is jealous of him...the man takes his mum's attention and time and lives in his home but isn't interested in knowing him. He's 7 and he's got no power in any of this. He's been landed with a miserable, exhausted, resource-draining housemate he doesn't particularly like and certainly didn't choose. That was your job.

Whatever happens things have to change. No one is saying your dp has to love your children, but he needs to know them and care for them. There has to be something in it for your kids or it's just a big selfish move on your part.
This should have all been in place before he moved in, but better late than never. You have written your post here because you know it isn't right. I agree...it isn't right. It's pretty obvious why that is. Stop minimising, stop excusing. Start seeing.

I hope his operation goes well and that he is quickly reading from the same page as you and makes that effort. if he doesn't, you tried, and 18 months in it is ok to bow out. Good luck. xx

Right, so in the car last night DD 10 said she thought DP didn't like DS 5 as much as her and DS 7.

DS 7 said yes, I can hit DS 5 as hard as I like and DP will tell you I only tapped DS 5 when he cries.

Hope that's clearer!

It is ok to bow out at any stage of course.

I have two boys a year apart and I know that at that age they can get a bit aggressive with each other. We just had zero tolerance and they both got separated. It tended to be probably equal in terms of who started it initially but it then became apparent that DS1 would do the winding up until DS2 would whack him. They were fairly equal in size but DS2 packed a meaner punch. In the end they just stopped as DS1 was generally on the losing end. Once he learned not to keep winding DS2 up, they started to get on really well again. They are teens now and don't so much as raise a voice to each other and they spend a lot of time together.

Thanks for taking the time to post guys , I really appreciate it. Some great support and advice.

I'm going to talk to DP this afternoon and I will report back as to how things are moving forward.

DS 5 really does wind DS 7 up, he's terrible for it. Other times DS 7 is just being a little cross patch and very unreasonable. Typical stuff I guess. Ex's solution is the iPads.

I would get very angry if one of my dcs felt they could hit another one as hard as they liked.

Daffer I've tried to follow the guidance in those two books.

-Basically, I've done a lot of talking and conflict resolution with them (I'm asusming that the hitting is the end result of a conflict of some sort), having them explaining to each other why they were angry (with my guidance and rephrasing etc...) and then how they could actually solve the problem (ie sharing ideas of what they could do etc...)
-Separating them, in each in their bedroom until they were calm enough to come out wo being a risk to others (not time out when they just have to wait until xx minutes have passed)
-teaching them methods to handle anger (inc going away to calm down)
-respecting boundaries (if my db says he wants to be alone, i leave him alone)
I'm not keen on punishments etc.. but that's just me. I'm sure you can add xx will happen if you do yy if you feel it's the right thing for you to do (I suspect this would be much easier for your DP to do with them and easier to be on the same page too)

And YY about your DP spending time to KNOW them, how was your day etc etc. I'm sure you can find 5~10 mins each day to do that with each of them. It really doesn't have to be formal, it could be part of a routine when you are eating dinner together, when he is putting them to bed etc... Juat asking the right question, the one about something that is important to them, can make a big difference.

So maybe that's why DP tells off DS5, for the winding up of DS7?

I do feel a bit sorry for this man caught up in all this.

I do agree that your son's hitting is absolutely not on. He needs taken aside and put straight on that. No go boyo.

Oh dear, not an easy situation. I think the main problem is that dp isn't close to the children and that ds doesn't like dp and is scared of him. Don't know what you can do but I wouldn't like to live with a child like, I see dp as the problem.

This sounds like a whole set of unfortunate timings to me. Firstly that your DP's only been living there for 18 months and he's spent a third of that time trying to manage debilitating pain. I can see why his relationship with the kids hasn't been all sunshine, bringing a stepparent in is difficult in itself and this clearly hasn't been the best of times.

Secondly that you tackled him on the favourites issue over dinner! It's important for the kids to feel heard by you, but it's also important for you and DP to hash things out in private until you agree on how to go forward, so that you can present a united front to the kids. Your DP needs to reflect on how his behaviour comes across to them, and putting him on the spot right in front of them gives him no chance to do that.

And thirdly that your middle DS chose to test the favourites theory so soon afterwards by walloping his little brother, so that DP felt he had to react strongly and defend the 5yo who he's been accused of disliking. I'm not surprised DS7 is a bit subdued, he thought he could get away with bad behaviour and had a rude awakening - I'd have shouted at him too.

Get through the operation. In the meantime, talk to the kids about how bad pain that goes on for a long time can stop people being able to have fun and enjoy things. Get back to normal. Arrange some nice days out and things - stuff that everyone will enjoy - and stress to DP that it's about bonding with the kids. If there's still a problem between him and them when things are rosier and more stable then you might need to consider whether he actually can fit into your little family unit. But so far it mostly sounds like people clashing in ways that can be avoided with a bit of thought and tact.

In my book the winding up is just as bad as the hitting tbh...

A big issue though is to convey to the child (and the siblings next to him/her) the reason why you are upset and what theyb have done wrong.

telling a child 'Why the heck kave you done that? that was mean.' isn't going to help. Telling a child 'Winding your db up by repeatidily making stupid noises even though he told you to stop is not acceptable' makes it clear both to the chils and to the others.

If you are not specific in what they are doing wrong, then it's esy for everyone to 'forget' the reason (or they just don't really 'get' that reason) and to be left with the feeling that 'ds5 is getting told off quite a lot' wo really knowing why iyswim

It's a similar idea than the fact you need to be specific in your praise because otherwise it has no value.

So do I actually Lee

I think things are on the cusp of going bad, but that it can be saved by OP and dp adjusting their expectations to ones that mirror reality.

If my dh sat me down in front of the dsc and expected me to explain myself about an issue one of them raised id go fucking apocalyptic. Is he your partner and an adult in the household or another kid? I wouldn't blame him if he walked away.

Thanks Boursin that's really helpful.

So we've have a long talk about the situation and both feel it needs a lot of work. It was a really constructive talk actually.

We're going to set aside time every day for DP to spend time with DC. The older two love chess so DP has suggested this, as well as cooking, reading and helping with homework.

We're hoping that if the household is happier and more connected DC may relax a little and stop bickering as much.

That sounds fab OP. Sometimes all it needs is a period of really increased supervision to break the cycle by catching issues about to start and nipping it in the bud. You could also see if you could DS1 helping a bit with DS2s homework so that he feels like a big brother and more protective towards DS2. It might stop DS2 attempting to wind him up if he sees him more as someone who is helping him and is kind to him.

However Rome wasn't built in a day and it will take a while to break old habits. As I have said to mine many times, friends and girlfriends will come and go, but your brother is your brother for ever and you should be able to rely on each other and be there for each other for all your lives.

That's great OP, but your dp needs to work on his issues too. That may include referral to a pain clinic/support group among other things. Chronic pain does make you miserable and snappy but that's not the dc's fault, but equally bickering and winding up siblings is not your dps fault.

My DP has serious back issues. Currently having daily injections and horse sized pain killers. Doesn't make him shout at the kids though. He can't play with them in the same way but he's played cards and board games with my sick daughter as she's off school and he's off work.