DP lost his shit with DS this morning...

[DafferDill]

I have three DC (5, 7 and 10). Ex h and I are divorced.

DP and I have lived together for 18 months.

Ex h is a very hands on dad, always clowning around and cuddling. DP is much quieter and more serious, he's not very close to my DC.

DS 7 who is normally a very placid kind child has been whining a lot lately and bickering with his younger brother, this often ends in whacking each other and someone crying. He isn't really fond of DP.

Last night DC were telling me that DP has favourites and he doesn't like DS 5. DS 7 said yes, I can whack my younger brother as hard as I like and DP says I just tapped him and he's crying for nothing....

I brought this up when we were all eating last night. DP got cross with DS 7 and said its not true he doesn't have favourites.

At 7am this morning the boys start bickering. DS 7 hits DS 5 really hard. DP hears this and starts bellowing at DS 7, who starts crying as he's scared if DP.

All DC are now glum, I feel glum and depressed and DP is at work.

In DP's defence he has developed a severe back problem, is in a lot of pain and awaiting surgery.

What on earth possessed you to question him about favouritism at the dinner table in front of your DC?!

I heard squabbling then loud crying, then DP bellowing. DS 5 was on the landing bawling, DS 7 was in their bedroom and DP had told him off for hitting and told him he was being really mean at moment.

DS 7 then started crying and saying DS 5 had hit him first.

I wanted it to be discussed openly so that DP had a chance to explain himself in front of DC and vice versa. I also wanted do to be able to explain to DS 5 that he doesn't dislike him.

I just wanted it all to be out in the open and a frank discussion had.

Maybe in hindsight I handled it wrong.

I'd hate to live with a stepfather who, by your own admission, isn't close to his stepchildren and actively shows his particular dislike for one child over the others (and if a seven year old can see it, it must be pretty obvious).

It must be so unsettling for the children, knowing he doesn't like them or care for them.

He's not close to the kids and doesn't get involved in raising them - was this the plan when you moved in together?

If the 7 year old regularly wallops the younger one, he is being mean at the moment!

Why?

I'm so glad the cavalry have arrived; I can peel my eyebrows off the ceiling following all the "I can't believe you like with someone your children don't like and who doesn't like your children" comments. I didn't get that from your post at all!

Nothing useful to add I'm afraid but agree with ATail, LoveB etc. Probably speak to him about parenting issues in private (away form the kids) in future and perhaps bust out some board games and family movies until dp's back gets better.

At the moment for the DC it's all about jealousy, competing and oneupmanship and trying to get some attention. Trying to work out how important they are to you and to DP, and what they can get away with. Suggest one on one time to him, that will take the sibling rivalry and acting up out of the equation and give him and your DC a chance to get to know each other and build a positive relationship.
And until he is better, this need not be physically demanding. eg, reading a story, doing homework, watching a film together, playing a board game.

He says it's because DS 5 annoys him.

At ex h's they have an iPad each which they play on an awful lot, at my house they don't.

DS 7's behaviour does seem to have gone downhill since he's been playing with it, he talks about it a lot.

He also says he's upset and doesn't like living with DP anymore as he doesn't play like he used to and is much quieter.

Daffer of course ds7 would say it's his db fault!
Ime, when there is a fight like this, both children are at fault.
ds5 might be goading his older brother but it's not a reason for ds7 to hit him (nor is it a reason good enough that ds5 started it or hit him first).

You DO have an issue with the way your dcs are interacting with each other (I know I've had that with dc1 and dc2) and you need to address it. By experience, taking sides isn't working. Have a look at How to Talk and Sibling rivalry for some ideas on how to deal with it. It made a big difference to me.

I would also sit down with your DP and have a chat to agree on how you are going to deal with things in the house. You need to do the same thing, have the same method when they start to play up like this.

I don't know how to address the issue of jealousy towards your DP... But I agree it probably plays a really big part (and explains why now that he can't be the fun person toplsy with, they aren't that keen on him)

yeah I can't see the reaction this morning was particularly bad - your 7 year old hit your younger child and he's far and away old enough to know that hitting is always wrong and we walk away when we are angry. I also think a 7 year old is old enough to say he feels scared when he just doesn't like being told off for hitting.

Ah, so basically he wants to go and live with "fun" dad who has the ipads?

So he is playing up and being a shitey to his brother to provoke a reaction.

I feel sorry for your partner.

Yup, you read that correctly.

It's hard understanding the role of a step parent - especially when the biological parent is doing, by the sounds of it, a bang-on job. How much support are you giving him? How are you helping him to find the right balance of, for example, discipline? Physical play? Affection? How are you demonstrating to your children the significance of his relationship with you and with them.

Sitting at the family table and accusing him of favouritism - then being all surprised when he attempts - clumsily - to demonstrate the following morning that no, actually, he does care when your youngest gets hurt? In what possible way was that supposed to help?

You are a family. For now, at least. You really all need to get on the same page.

Daffer dc1 and dc2 have said the same thing ab9out each other in a regular basis... the other is goading/annoying/doesn't let him play with xx/is playing with his toys etc etc..

that's normal sibling behaviour and I would NOT take it as a statement of what really happens.

This thread has been really helpful, I'm going to set up specific calm activities for DP to do with DC. Reading, baking etc. And see how that goes.

DP is younger than me and doesn't have DC so it is a learning curve for him too. He says he really struggles with his role in the house and has decided to take a back seat rather than be a father figure. He says he doesn't really know what his role should be so its trial and error. I've explained I think he just needs to maintain a bond and the rest comes naturally.

Where is the 10 year old in all this? What is their view? Do they get on with DP, do they witness a lot of what actually happens with the younger two rather than them being involved in a bit of one says this and the other says that?

OP, it sounds like your DC are acting their ages. It can be difficult for children when DM and DDad's houses are so different in the general running. It can also be difficult when a live-in parent figure suddenly can't play with them the way they used to.

This situation in particular though. Your 7 year old pushed the boundaries like 7 year olds do, telling you that he can get away with doing mean things. You dealt with this by questioning your DP at the dinner table in front of your DC. The next morning, 7 year old puts DP in the situation where he must discipline him or risk perpetuating what 7 year old is claiming. He then disciplined a 7 year old who'd fully expected to get away with poor behaviour. 7 year old is shocked. And yes, possibly frightened. DP suffers from chronic pain so I imagine the difference between exhausted and annoyed is quite pronounced.

I also think you should chat with your 7 year old and calmly explain that if he does x bad behaviour, y will happen, etc etc and make it clear that at no point does behaving badly turn into winning more time on the IPAD at his Dads. Maybe you need to go over the actions/consequences stuff with at least the 2 younger DC and your DP so that everything is really clear - leaving no room for temper-based reactions.

DD 10 gets on well with DP, he's very patient with her and they have frank discussions when she behaves badly.

She feels sad and hurt that he's more distant and less playful now but is trying to be understanding as far as a 10 year old can.

The thing is, I actually sympathise with the DP here so I might need the calvary to slap some sense into me...

When the thread started, yes, I thought your P sounded like a bastard. But, dude, i can totally see 2 young children becoming upset if he's ill and can't play with them. I used to get upset at my mum and dad for the most stupid (unavoidable) things back when I was 5 + 7. I can totally see two children becoming upset at this situation, but I also feel desperately sorry for your DP. Children should be protected but, admittedly, they are also fickle beasts as far as this stuff is concerned.

Your kids sound like they are growing and developing - DS7 especially - but I don't agree with DS7 whacking DS5 and don't think that should be ignored.

i am really not trying to victim-blame (!) the children at all - they are children. But, OP, I think you've handled this very very badly. So you believe the favouritism stuff? Favouritism does exist but does not necessarily ruin the life of the child involved. (I'm not saying that it's a good thing. I'm just saying that it's possible to live in a favouring home as long as the favouring parent treats you like a human being and respects you enough not to relentlessly demonstrate their own favouritism).

What really shocks me about this story is your DP's apparent cavalierness at admitting he doesn't like Ds5. I'm also :O at you "wanting to discuss this in front of your DC" to get it out in the open?? I don't think children can handle that kind of stuff at all. He's 7!

God, I would have hated to ended up as a 'father figure'/person in autority of 3 dcs with no children of my own. I would have felt completely overwhlemed and would have had no idea what to do, how to approach things etc... Even more difficult in a setup like yours.

Your DP NEEDS your help and guidance. He does need you to say how you normally deal with things and you need to both be very consistent with it.

And YY about having him involved in things to do but also remember he is in pain! maybe what he can do atm is reading and that's about it.

I would also expect your dcs, esp ds7, to balk at the idea of your DP taking on a parenting role. I doubt he will like it if there is someone else there to pull him on hios behaviour.... but it doesn't mean that your DP is doing it all worng either iyswim.

DC and I had a talk this morning about how hitting is absolutely unacceptable and neither I nor DP will put up with it.

They do get away with a lot more at ex's. They don't really get told off, do a lot of rough and tumble and play on iPads. Ex h is a hands in dad and a real clown. I get the shit bits!

But you'll need more than 'talk' about not hitting talk from bitter experience

What really shocks me about this story is your DP's apparent cavalierness at admitting he doesn't like Ds5

I don't understand? He has never said this. DD and DS 7 accused him of preferring them to DS 5.

Boursin what did you find worked?

I think you have to keep reiterating to the children that DP is really not feeling well so they have to try their hardest to be kind and behave well to help until he gets his operation and recovers. Perhaps they could be given small acts of kindness to perform that would help build the bond? e.g. DD could bring him a cup of tea and settle in beside him for a chat about her day. DS1 could bring him a newspaper over and they could try to learn a card trick. DS2 could fetch him a cushion and cuddle up for a story.

It's sounds as if he is basically a decent guy, struggling to find a role and at the same time working while in pain.