At breaking point with my wife

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

This weekend was a culmination of fractures that have left me feeling that my marriage is in serious danger.

Firstly, it was our daughter’s birthday weekend, with a children’s party on Saturday, and a family gathering at our house on the Sunday. For the Sunday, my wife had promised my daughter a multi-tiered rainbow cake, not an easy endeavor to bake, and unfortunately it went wrong. I tried to reassure her that we could get a nice replacement (which I went out and bought) and that it was fine – baking something ambitious for the first time is always open to trouble, and I tried to make her feel better. The cake and hand mixer were violently dumped in the bin, and she proceeded to treat me like crap for the rest of the day – accusing me of not tidying / cleaning fast enough (I cleaned and tidied the entire house before our guests arrived.) and generally being really vile.

Secondly, it was, of course, mothering Sunday. I had bought cards over a week ago, and had planned to go into town on the Saturday afternoon to pick up some gifts. The plan changed slightly so I could go to Cribbs Causeway in Bristol. This was to get sandwich platters from the Marks and Spencer’s there, as well as to give me a better selection of shops to get her something from. She raised no objections to any of this on the Saturday. I got her a box of Chocolates from Hotel Chocolat, a bunch of blood-orange roses and a voucher to a beauty store that she likes a lot. I felt that was a nice package for her. I took the kids downstairs early on Sunday morning, so she could have a 3 hour lie-in. We all came up as a family to give her the gifts later on while she was in bed, and she seemed happy with everything. It was only later in the evening that she complained about what I had done. She said that the whole thing had been an afterthought, and then, most painfully, said that she felt I was buying her chocolates to sabotage her weight-loss efforts (she recently started dieting in advance of her friend’s wedding later this year). Suffice to say, that was not on my mind when I bought the chocolates.

This is not new behavior, having happened a number of time previously. The point of friction leads to days of silent treatment punctured by mono-syllabic responses. I find it all incredibly stressful and I end up just feeling very lonely. My wife struggles to talk about emotional issues like this, and it usually veers between silence or outbursts. We have talked about how unhappy I am with this before and either she promises to change, or she minimizes the issue, which makes me look unreasonable. I don’t want to be having the same conversation for the rest of my life. I feel like a punching bag and I am sick of it.

I am, of course, a long way from perfect. I have found the increased demands of two children hard to handle at times, and I get frustrated a lot and can be short-tempered. I am also significantly over-weight, as is my wife, and I think this is a major drag-factor on our general happiness. All that said, I don’t think (and have never been accused) of allowing this to devolve into cruel or abusive (emotionally) behavior, and this is where I feel we are now. When these kind of situations arise she behaves like a bully.

There is no pull-factor at play here, no other person I have an eye on. It is a non-factor here.

Am I being massively unreasonable here in my expectations of how a couple should work and communicate together? Are these Mother’s Day presents unacceptable?

Great post Hearts 💕

I just think that you had too much going on this weekend.

OP has clearly said that this weekend wasn't the first time she has been unpleasant.

This is not new behavior, having happened a number of time previously

Think some people need to go and actually read the OP properly rather than simply glancing and posting, or maybe not even reading it atall judging by some of the ridiculous comments..

OP you said that you make a big deal of Father's Day and Valentines. Please can you clarify, as it's not your job, your wife needs to take care of Father's Day if the kids are little. And she should reciprocate on Valentine's Day if you make a fuss of her for it.

Other posters i can't see anywhere in OP's posts that his wife has been actively trying to lose weight. Yes, she told him that he sabotaged her diet, but that's not the same thing. If she had previously told the OP that she is going to try and lose weight and he can help by not putting temptation in her way by getting her sweet treats and he then brought her chocs, that would be sabotage. Please don't assume.

Finally, OP, son't worry about the loopy comments here. You need to wade throught a lot of crap to get to the helpful advice, which some posters have provided.

Good luck.

Get over it - she was disappointed but at least you made an effort. She is obviously feeling overwhelmed with her whole life at the moment. I have been there many times and trying to cope with work, children and weight loss is enough to put anyone over the edge. She needs support in her weight loss and hormones are funny things. I used to say to my husband every PMT time - keep out of my way and don't take any notice of what I say!! If she can't talk to you then you must talk to her. You sound like you are disappointed because she didn't give you approval. Man up and take care of your wife regardless.

Bebe - OP is also coping with work, children and weight gain. A wife's needs don't trump a husbands and vice versa. Marriage is a partnership. They should take care of each other.

I think if this was the other way around people would be citing emotional abuse. She sounds incredibly childish, I highly doubt this weekend was the actual issue here, you need to talk but this is not ok.

Hearts- "FFS I am on your team. Can we please start with the assumption that I am not an asshole, that I am not out to get you, that we are on the same side here?"

Might borrow this for my DH. I suspect he's taking out his work stress on me so I'm encouraging him to get counselling and look elsewhere for work.

I think the fact you came on mn and asked shows what a caring, thoughtful husband you are.you tried very best on all sides and sounds like you are both going through a rough spot and had a lot of stress with baby, house move,return to work.take a deep breath and cut yourselves some slack.your baby still young her hormones will still be bit up and down and things settle.If they don't after a decent amount of time seek guidance help

I've not read all the threads OP and it sounds like a rubbish time of it but was she like this before children?

I am writing this post in my pjs, with a strong coffee and a black cloud over my head - all because of hormones. I am going through the menopause. Your wife's hormones will still be all over the place but perhaps she has suffered PMT before. I hadn't realised I had until I had kids. They amplify every single nuance in life. The weekend sounds like a recipe for stress and disaster. But I remember taking six hours to make Dd a cake for her second birthday and it was hellish. I felt compelled to be this earth mother super woman and when it all inevitably went tits up I just wanted to sit and cry.

At the moment I'm anxious about my DS having no self confidence and his school work suffering. My DD is going through the turbulent teenage years. I'm the lynchpin holding it all together. Despite feeling totally rubbish at the moment and not getting much sleep last night my DS called out for me during the night. he was thirsty and doesn't like going downstairs in the dark. I put the light on for him and whilst I was waiting for him to come back up I lay in his bed for a moment, half asleep. DH then comes through and has a massive shouting match telling me to come back to bed as he will only wake up later. Selfish twat is my thought for the day, not helped by a 'don't send me any massive emails at work just because you are seething' comment. Actually I wasn't planning to I was trying to figure out a way to stop the pain in my head, get through the day on virtually no sleep and wondering if I had the energy to do some badly needed exercise so I didn't need to hear how sorry he was feeling for himself.

Something feels off about this thread....OP did you answer the question about whether your DW uses MN?

OP takes about 'previous instances' of this type of behaviour. It would be helpful to know exactly when he's talking about. Is it since the dc came along or before that?

"The chocolates were not a thoughtless purchase at all."

It is thoughtless to buy chocolates for someone on a diet. OP admits that.

Bebe "Get over it" and "man up"

For fuck's sake.

The last one is particularly ironic in view of today being International Women's Day.

OP you mentioned that you and your wife haven't had any proper time alone for along time.Would your parents be able to have the children this evening so that you and your wife could go out for a few hours on your own?

I know that's not going to magically solve everything that's going wrong but it could be a positive step in the right direction.

With the way your wifes been behaving towards you it could be all sorts of things.Has she always been this way towards you?If she has it could be learnt behaviour from her own family,like another poster mentioned and if that's the case then she can change how she reacts and how she feels but it will be a hard journey that you'll both have to make together.

If it's more recent it could be a sign of Postnatal depression and if it is your wife will of course need some help,if it is and it's left to long it can end up really spiralling for the poor women that are suffering because of it.If you are worried that is it postnatal depression or that it might be you can talk to your Dr or your childrens HV about it if you feel like you talking to your wife about it may cause her more upset.

It could be an accumulation of things,2 young children,a new baby in the house,going back to work and having to leave the baby with someone else,her being worried about her weight and maybe being worried about your weight and health problems that could come with that,stress over money.Life in general can be bloody hard and can make us all feel like crap sometimes it may be that's she's really struggling but doesn't want to worry you and is instead internalising all those worry's and stress and then when those thoughts and feelings are getting to much for her it all just comes spilling out at you.

Try and find sometime for just the two of you doing something nice together that you both enjoy with no pressure,no end game just your wife and you enjoying each other's company.

Both having some alone time would probably do you both some good as well.Maybe one week you have the children for a few hours in the evening or day or at the weekend whilst your wifes gets to go off and do what she wants without having to worry or think about anyone else but herself and then the week after you get to do the same.

Your gifts for Mothers Day were lovely,with the chocolates my DH has done the same in the past and I'm sure I have when some poor buggers trying to lose weight it wasn't done with spite it's just we get used to what the norm is for us and the one's we love so if you'd normally buy them chocolates you still buy them chocolates it's like our thought process goes into auto pilot sometimes.

Good Luck OP,I hope you and your wife get things sorted out.

You could get a cleaner in for 1.5 hours a week and suggest that one day of every weekend you have quality family time where you can all enjoy being together.

In my shoes, I'd much rather some time alone. By the time my second was 11 months or so, I craved some space like a drug addict and was as irritable as fuck. Take the kids and go and visit your family for the weekend if you can persuade her to stay at home and do sweet f.a.

Your presents sound lovely OP, as was the thought of them, as do you

Sadly, it sound like you are both already on a downhill slope, possibly for some time.

The fact that is was Mother's Day was neither here nor there - her reaction sounds like a symptom of the unhappiness she has felt for a while. And it is making you unhappy too, quite understandably.

It is possible that you may be able to resolve your issues with your wife, by yourselves, but likewise there would no shame in seeking help to resolve them, if attempts to talk to one another, fail.

You sound committed to this though and that is all you can be. Hopefully she will be too.

Perhaps trying to reach a common goal together, via a combine weight loss program, for example, may give you both something to strive towards. Exercising together, for example. Doesn't have to be a 10km run every day, but even just spending some time together doing something you both like, in order to kick start a healthier life - even a walk!

Let us now how it goes and good luck

Hi OP

Your first post made me think she was being mean but then you told us the other information about the move, the children and - crucially, I think - her return to work.

Please don't underestimate how hard this can be for some women. I am very resilient and confident but was shocked at how hard it was to make the transition back to work when my baby was 11 months old.

I felt sad and guilty at leaving him, sad that my special mat leave time with was over and things were back to 'normal', anxious about doing a good job at work but also feeling like I did not quite have a fully-established role either at work or home and being very anxious about failing at both.

Your wife will also be looking at herself physically in a new context, which is added pressure.

Women returning to work after a baby have to completely reinvent their routine and sometimes it needs adjusting or changing before it works well. This means a state of near-constant flux, which is stressful.

Frustratingly, it took about three months for me to find my groove at work (all the time not wanting to admit the struggle to my husband in case he thought less of me or took it as a sign that I wanted to quit, putting more pressure on him).

I suspect, as others have said, that your wife doesn't like herself very much at the moment and is lashing out. It's not nice for you and you should tell her it's making you sad and worried. Remind her that you two are a team and you are there to help each other. This sounds trite but just hearing that the person you love most is 'on your side' means a great deal.

It sounds like this is all completely fixable and hopefully she can trust you enough to open up about her concerns and share them rather than include you in the people that she feels she must be perfect for.

hearts I can relate to your post too - having grown up in a family where my mother regularly treated my father like this, I can confirm that it is sometimes coming out in my own behaviour toward my DH - who, like yours, doesn't take my shit and tells me off! I need it sometimes. I didn't need therapy, as such - but my often unreasonable behaviour certainly was a huge contributing factor in the break-up of my first long-term relationship, 25 odd years ago now. Taught me a lot and now I am a much better person for it. Perhaps your wife will also be able to get there..and it will certainly make it easier for her to see the light with a man of your calibre by her side.

So true meridian and very well put.

I'm trying to lose weight, DH knows this, DH got me a small selection of posh chocolates for Mothers' Day. I was pleased. It didn't cross my mind he was trying to sabotage my weight loss. I ate them all, enjoyed a nice roast dinner and got back on plan the next day.

Hard to tell whether your DP is:

• super stressed, exhausted and over sensitive to perceived failure to be a perfect mum (ambitious cake baking during busy weekend sounds like a recipe for disaster), or
• she is just not a very nice person.

Either way, based on your description her behavior is not reasonable. Throwing the hand mixer in the bin sounds like a temper tantrum.

Hope you find a way through this.

hearts I really relate to that as well. Dh does not 'do' conflict, and as a result I have (mostly) broken that cycle as well. Sometimes I hear how my mum still speaks to my dad and it really shocks me. OP you sound lovely and I really hope you can work it out

She sounds awful. really spoilt and childish. The OP sounds considerate and self aware. I feel really sorry for him.

Sorry NRTHT but I am under the impression that you both need to lose weight, if you are both happy with your weight and it doesn't bother you then there isn't a problem but if one or both of you is/are feeling like it is something you should tackle it can weigh you down, forgive the pun.

I fully understand Tread about the alone time. Could you suggest that you both need to diet and go through diet plans and start to get some exercise. Eg. One going for a 1/2 hour run/walk/jog in the morning whilst the other takes care of the kids and the other does it after they get back from work. Encourage each other by buying only the right types of food and meal planning. Sell it as not only healthy for yourselves but bringing up the children with a healthy out look about diet and exercise.
Or if you can afford to and are able to organise childcare could you both go to a gym before you get back from work. Not exactly romantic dinner for 2 but still alone time when you can be yourselves without kids. Or go jogging together. I am a firm believer in endorphins making you a happier person.

Your Dw is coming across as a drama queen but I think she is just deeply unhappy and frustrated. She probably has a voice in her head that is saying her actions and words are that of a prize bitch but her frustration is winning out each time.
Deep down is she a perfectionist I think the issue with the birthday cake is not that you bought a cake but the fact she couldn't make a cake for her daughters birthday resulting in her feeling like a failure.

I think your dw needs to understand as a parent you come across other parents who are super duper mummies and daddies or reads books or looks at magazines that show "perfect" families. At this point you either get stressed that you can't compete with them and tie yourself up in knots trying to emulate them or you just say F**k it I am not going to try and you will be surprised about how freeing that can be. As long as your dc are loved fed watered and cared for the rest is just icing.

Your DW sounds like my DH's ex. Nothing he ever did was good enough for her, even though he is a decent, kind man (we met years after he left her).

You are clearly being supportive towards your wife so it's quite reasonable to tell her that while you love her, you don't like her being nasty towards you. You really don't have to put up with emotional abuse no matter what stress having small children is causing. I'd be interested to know whether your DW's mother behaves in a similar way.