Exdh won't support dc's degree at American University :(

[exwifeofatwat]

Venting. My twatish exdh earns a solid 150k a year, he has no gf/dp & no mortgage. He has always told our dc since scratch, that when the time comes, he will fully fund the cost of their university. Now it's about time for the ball to be set in motion and our oldest dc has decided they really want to go to America to do their degree (not saying what/where as it's very outing). Exdh now outright refuses to fund anything at all as he insists the only option is that they live with him & attend a Uni near him. Dc is gutted. I'm gutted. I'm not in a position to fund anything at all as I'm on the bones of my arse as it is. I'm pissed off.

YABU to expect him to fund a degree at a US college.

I think he should support them to go to the university of their choice in the UK but shouldn't be obliged to support them to go to an American Uni. Not many UK parents can afford this anyway. And as others say what if all your children want to go to the US should he fund them as well. I'd think the same even if the parents were still together. Children must not be allowed to think well they can afford it why shouldn't I have it.

You shouldn't be encouraging them to think they can sponge of their rich Dad. No wonder he's fed up.

OP, forget about your DC going to a US university. It was a very unrealistic dream to have unless you are extremely wealthy.

Your DC can study at any UK university and remember that no loans are paid back until they start earning over £21,000. If you choose wisely, some university cities/towns are much cheaper than others to live in (avoid London!)

It's clear that you can't rely on your ex to fund higher education so it's an important lesson in life for your DC that they have to live within their means and get a job during term time or holidays too.

You're being completely stark raving unreasonable.

Honestly it sounds like him giving an inch, you trying to take about 100 miles which has made him change his offer to half an inch.

Have you totalled up what it would cost or have you just thought "meh he makes 150k so of course he can afford it"? Depending on what and where tuition, accommodation, health insurance, etc could actually cost him his whole salary. Completely ridiculous.

Of all the things I've read thrown at exes on mn this takes the go to uni in the UK yabvvvvvvu to expect your ex to fund a U.S. degree

Jesus, no you are completely unreasonable.
Nothing wrong with wanting him to fund university but going to the US is a lifestyle choice, the dc could manage just fine in the UK. Ridiculous to just expect him to pay it, fees and living costs would be huge.

If he promised to buy your DC a car if they passed their test, and they got upset because it was going to be a Ford KA and not a Aston Martin, would you be pissed off?

It sounds as if your DC might have something very specialised in mind here? I'm currently living in the US and although I like their broad based system, it is extremely expensive for non nationals and some of the universities would be pretty steep even for someone on a salary of 150K sterling. The UK has wonderful degrees of its own to offer - are there really no good options to suit the DC's preferred path? Might the US work better as a post graduate degree?

Extremely unreasonable and my guess is OP has no idea of costs etc for studying in the US.

I went to an American university 13 years ago. I had to show proof of £35k at the start of every year, and that was a state university, not ivy league, which are hugely more pricey. That was before plane fares, phone bills etc.

It's a crazy amount of money and I imagine it has gone up since then. No way is it reasonable to expect someone to pull it out of the air.

Where's the OP gone? I think this was a reverse AIBU?

When I studied for a year there my tuition was paid via scholarship it still cost $20000 in accommodation

Oh and if I had to pay as I was an overseas student it would have been $30k a semester/term

I'm guessing he agreed to pay uni fees at a time when they were much lower - £1K or £3K per year, rather than the current £9K?
However, he can afford to pay for the "experience" of a UK university, which should include your DD living at uni, not with him.
She is milking it a bit, expecting to study in the US at his expense.

OP hasn't got the validation she was probably seeking. Of into the mist...

I'm guessing he agreed to pay uni fees at a time when they were much lower - £1K or £3K per year, rather than the current £9K?

This!

I'm thinking the "if they live with me" clause has been lost in translation due to the OPs fury

A lot of school leavers these days are sourcing courses/unis that they can attend while living at home with a parent, because the extra costs of living away from home through uni are so high.

I think the father thinks uni = about education and qualifications
I think the OP and DCs thinks uni = "the experience" and the lifestyle
And this is the source of the conflict.

A uni qualification can be funded relatively cheaply. The "campus lifestyle" costs a fair bit more. Especially a US campus lifestyle.

No OP?

I have a feeling the OP is a regular who often leaves her threads in limbo by failing to return.

If so, she was told on numerous occasions that her legal advisors weren't up to scratch and advised to find shls to take on her ex.

That said, if the dc wishes to go to a university in the USA s/he can do the research to work out ways in which it could be feasible without assistance from their not very df as this may serve to convince them that a UK uni, with or without an option to complete part of the degree course in the U.S, would be a better and more financially viable plan and may inspire them to work full time at weekends/school holidays in order to build up their own cash reserve that can be used to fund any overseas study periods.

Yes Goddess, I'm sure it is too.

And yy, the legal team came across as seriously lacking. Women's Aid was recommended IIRC.