Exdh won't support dc's degree at American University :(

[exwifeofatwat]

Venting. My twatish exdh earns a solid 150k a year, he has no gf/dp & no mortgage. He has always told our dc since scratch, that when the time comes, he will fully fund the cost of their university. Now it's about time for the ball to be set in motion and our oldest dc has decided they really want to go to America to do their degree (not saying what/where as it's very outing). Exdh now outright refuses to fund anything at all as he insists the only option is that they live with him & attend a Uni near him. Dc is gutted. I'm gutted. I'm not in a position to fund anything at all as I'm on the bones of my arse as it is. I'm pissed off.

[shazzarooney99]

I think expecting him to pay for Uni in America is too much, Uk yes, anywhere else is just a joke to be honest.

[Marl279]

He has every right to go to an American university, although the education over here might be comparable to that in the states it isn't all about the education. It's about experience, seeing new things etc and as he has got in to uni I see no reason why he shouldn't take advantage of doing all those things at once. When I did my degree I did a year in France and it was the best year of my life. He has a right to decide where he wants to study and potentionally spend the rest of his life, as we all do. As his dad earns so much I see no reason why she shouldn't expect his dad to atleast help to fund this, considering he did initially promise too.

I would suggest asking your son to talk to him, perhaps if they sat down and spoke and your son went through the reasons why he wanted to do this etc then his father would consider it. If your son was to live with him and attend a local uni then he would not have to pay rent food etc I assume so his dad would be saving money there, so perhaps this is a financial issue and he is just being tight with his money? If that's the case I would ask him to still pay the fees as he would if he was attending a uk university, then look in to student finance options. If you earn a high wage as well then you may not be eligible at all but if it's low or mid range he will get help regardless of if he's studying in the uk or overseas, I know he will also get help with costs of flights etc. Perhaps if you are not eligible for student finance his father could pay the fees and you could pay his living costs.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

But it's not that he won't fund a US degree, is it? It's that he'll ONLY fund a degree in his own city where they live with him.

Given that that's what he's offering, and it's something DC don't want, then your and their only option is a degree they and you can afford, excluding his offer.

Sad for your DC, but honestly US degrees are prohibitively expensive, and a near impossible stretch for ANY family.

[ChoudeBruxelles]

The costs for a degree in the states will be loads more than here. Why does your do want to go to us to study

[CubicZirconiaBossyBabe]

woah!

"I'll pay for uni"
"right them I'll go to a US one then"

is the equivalent of a parent saying "I'll buy you your first car" and the kid being gutted that their request for it to be a porche was turned down!

He is BU to add the condition of living with him to the offer
But c'mon! "I'll put you through uni".. it's implied that the offer is based on average uni costs here !

[PatriciaHolm]

Being pissed off he won't fund a uk uni of their choice as per his promises - fine and completely understandable.

Being pissed off he won't fund $100k plus of US study - not fine and completely unreasonable.

[CubicZirconiaBossyBabe]

Is your kid offering to contribute anything to the difference between the cost of uni for an average UK kid, and the US experience they've chosen?

If your DC want's a truely stateside experience of gaining a degree, they'll work for a few years first and save every penny to help towards the massive costs of a US uni, like so many US kids do.

[PortobelloRoad]

Sending an international student to uni in America is extortionate. Their work options are limited while they're there too so they can't pick up any slack. Committing to paying for a UK degree is in a different world to paying for an American one. A degree also does not equal being able to stay and work.

Unless it is literally Harvard/MIT and it's a highly specialized course that they are truly the best in the world at delivering then YABU. Even if that was the case there are comparable universities in the UK, Imperial, Oxbridge etc.

[PitilessYank]

$60,000 per year is not the average. I think you would need to look at specific schools to understand fully. The average is more like $40K total. International students can get help with funding, as well.

[greathat]

It costs a hell of a lot more to go to a US university! Maybe he can pay the cost of students fees and accommodation for a UK uni, and the difference would need to be found elsewhere

[Helenluvsrob]

There are many scholarships available to study in the us ...

[Illiria]

Yabu - about the us degree paying. I moved here, work in a state university and it still costs overseas students around 40000 a year not including money to fly back or housing for the summer. Your child will in most cases have to do general education classes outside their major. This adds on extra units and leads to a degree nowhere near as specialized as ours in the UK. What if they don't finish in 4 years, a lot of students take 6 years to finish.

Also you seem to have an unrealistic idea of the US immigration system, unless you want your dc to work illegally. Getting a work permit outside of OPT is tough. Only certain degrees are eligible and then the employer has to show that he can't get anyone in the us to fill that job. Most of the time these work permit does not lead to permanent residency and when you apply to get a student visa you have to convince the embassy you want to go back home after you finish your degree.

[Loqo]

On face value I think it's unreasonable to expect your Ex you fund your DC to go to a US university. It would cost loads more than going to a UK Uni.

Even if your DC go to Uni in the UK it's usually not financially wise for parents to 'fully fund' them. Usually it's better to take out a student loan.

[PitilessYank]

However, I do agree that a year abroad at a US university makes more sense, or perhaps doing a graduate degree in the US instead?

Is it the "American college experience" he or she wants? Because that is very variable from school to school, and he/she needs to decide exactly what experience he/she wants, and look at universities that will provide that, both in the UK and the US.

I live in the US and my youngest son wants to attend a university in Japan!

The vast majority of American students, even from upper-middle class families, do NOT pay the "sticker price" of a college education here, so I must say that I do think it is not worth it, price-wise, to pay the full freight, which is what many foreign students have to do. There are some universities which are a good value for the "sticker price", but they are the exception.

[specialsubject]

I think 'every right to go to uni in the states' is a bit strong.

BTW mary I hope the best year of your life is still to come.

[Kr1stina]

There are lots of scholarships , although they might assess the income of both parenst , you would need to check .

And the liberal arts degrees as good US unis are excellent. It's not actually true that Uk universities are the best in the world for everything

What does you child want to study and which universities ?
For 2 years or 4 ?
Have they registered for an admissions test ?
Have they checked out other funding options?

[Canyouforgiveher]

150k a year would be a tight squeeze to pay for 4 years of US college plus flights/health insurance etc.

Our son is in college here and the full sticker price for tuition/board is in excess of $60k per year - for 4 years. unless your son is getting significant scholarship money, I don't think your ex is being unreasonable.

If your child has an offer from Harvard or MIT or Yale, then I could see how he would be very disappointed but if he has an offer from these, he probably also has an offer from oxbridge. If he is just thinking about it/thinking about applying, then it is probably just as well to know the realities.

My parents were the best in the world and were thrilled I was going to uni but it was very clear to me that the only choice was the excellent university in my home town - they didn't have the money for anything else. I don't feel hard done by and I certainly didn't feel I had "every right" to go to any university - unless I was funding it myself.

[claraschu]

If you earn under $65,000 and your DC is financially independent from your exH, that's a full scholarship and all living expenses paid at Harvard.

[PitilessYank]

Although, and I hope this doesn't offend, if your DC does want to live long-term in the US, going to college here might make sense, as many people meet their life partners in college, and he/she might do that, and have an easier time subsequently gaining residency. I don't think that this is mercenary thinking, but rather practical thinking.

[independentfriend]

Your adult son/daughter needs to go to a university which they can afford to attend without any help at all from your ex, given he's made his position clear. Yes it sucks, yes, it isn't what was agreed, yes it's going to [further] damage his relationship with them, but that's how it goes. Most of us went to university with student loans/part time jobs etc.

They would be silly to put themselves in a position where he can manipulate them with money - they're quite right to not want to live with him, though unless there are alternative sources of financial support available, it may be they're limited to universities within the UK/EU rather than the US.

[Lweji]

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.
Even if he earned more, I don't think parents are obliged to fund anything their children fancy.

Just as long as your son does go to university to a course he wants it should be fine. Anything else on top of the most reasonable option he should cover himself.

Besides, do you expect your ex to contribute that much for every child? That would be crazy.

If your son really wants to go, then he should get a scholarship and ask for just as much as it would cost a UK degree.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think your son will have to accept that the American university is not possible.

He should apply for British universities and for a student loan, as most teenagers do. Then your ex won't be funding the university so he can go wherever he chooses in the UK and won't be obliged to live with his dad.

If his dad is abusive, the sooner he gains financial independence from him the better, so that he removes the power to control him.

[bessiebumptious2]

If DC(s) want to go to University elsewhere, then what have THEY done to contribute to that? Has (s)he/have they made ANY effort whatsoever to make sure that that can happen without just putting their hand out for it?

I suspect nothing. Doesn't matter what ExH said - they should have been prepared for him NOT being in a position to fully fund them (because circumstances change, however much money you've got).

Life's disappointing and this might be the first time they've experienced someone who says one thing and does another. They'll live and if they are really good enough to do what they want to do, they'll do it whatever country they live in and in spite of any 'adversity'.