I hardly know where to start with this. I’ve been with my DH for nearly 23 years, married for 18. We have two DCs, both primary age. The bulk of this time has been happy but over the last couple of years I’ve been aware of an increasing distance between us, a lack of connection. Our sex life, which was never fabulous, has tailed off almost entirely and even passing touches, hugs etc are now few and far between. I’ve been aware of this but never really wanted to confront it and just buried my head in the sand telling myself it was an inevitable consequence of being with one person for that amount of time. I have no idea if my DH is as aware of this as I am but I suspect not.
About 6 months ago I met someone. We clicked immediately and it quickly became apparent that there was a very strong mutual attraction between us. We started texting and eventually that led to kissing and touching whenever we met (I’d say we’ve seen each other about half a dozen times since this started). We’ve slept together once. I still see this man in a non-social context because for various practical reasons it’s not possible for me to cut off contact with him entirely. However we both know that there’s no future in this relationship and we agreed that the intimacy had to stop. It’s no good for either of us in our current situations.
This brief affair has made me realise that I can no longer kid myself that things are ok in my marriage. We seem to have lost any deeper connection we ever had and it feels like living with a flatmate and not a partner. It’s not bad – it’s just not good, if that makes sense. I can never envisage leaving my DH – he’s a lovely, kind man (who I clearly don’t deserve), an amazing father, and there are financial/practical issues that just seem insurmountable. But I just feel so desperately sad and lonely that we’ve come to this.
I cry myself to sleep most nights. I cry in the toilets at work. I cry in the car. I feel like crying when I look at my DH because I used to love him with all my heart and I can’t believe this is where I am now. I do still love him but like a friend - not a lover. I feel as if I’m carrying this huge burden of sadness around with me all the time and I can’t possibly tell him how I feel because then he’ll be sad too and I don’t want that. Or perhaps I’m just being a coward because I can’t face the consequences....
I have no-one in the world I can talk to about this. My DH is universally liked by all my friends and family and they would be rightly shocked at what I’ve done. I think they also wouldn’t understand as, from the outside, we look like the perfect little family.
I know I’m a liar and a cheat and I don’t expect any sympathy. I don’t even know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post….I think I just need say the words, metaphorically, since I can’t speak about it to anyone. Is it possible to get past this feeling of loss and live a companionable life together? Or can the spark be re-kindled if it’s gone out?