Can my marriage be salvaged?

[Demelza70]

I hardly know where to start with this. I’ve been with my DH for nearly 23 years, married for 18. We have two DCs, both primary age. The bulk of this time has been happy but over the last couple of years I’ve been aware of an increasing distance between us, a lack of connection. Our sex life, which was never fabulous, has tailed off almost entirely and even passing touches, hugs etc are now few and far between. I’ve been aware of this but never really wanted to confront it and just buried my head in the sand telling myself it was an inevitable consequence of being with one person for that amount of time. I have no idea if my DH is as aware of this as I am but I suspect not.

About 6 months ago I met someone. We clicked immediately and it quickly became apparent that there was a very strong mutual attraction between us. We started texting and eventually that led to kissing and touching whenever we met (I’d say we’ve seen each other about half a dozen times since this started). We’ve slept together once. I still see this man in a non-social context because for various practical reasons it’s not possible for me to cut off contact with him entirely. However we both know that there’s no future in this relationship and we agreed that the intimacy had to stop. It’s no good for either of us in our current situations.

This brief affair has made me realise that I can no longer kid myself that things are ok in my marriage. We seem to have lost any deeper connection we ever had and it feels like living with a flatmate and not a partner. It’s not bad – it’s just not good, if that makes sense. I can never envisage leaving my DH – he’s a lovely, kind man (who I clearly don’t deserve), an amazing father, and there are financial/practical issues that just seem insurmountable. But I just feel so desperately sad and lonely that we’ve come to this.

I cry myself to sleep most nights. I cry in the toilets at work. I cry in the car. I feel like crying when I look at my DH because I used to love him with all my heart and I can’t believe this is where I am now. I do still love him but like a friend - not a lover. I feel as if I’m carrying this huge burden of sadness around with me all the time and I can’t possibly tell him how I feel because then he’ll be sad too and I don’t want that. Or perhaps I’m just being a coward because I can’t face the consequences....

I have no-one in the world I can talk to about this. My DH is universally liked by all my friends and family and they would be rightly shocked at what I’ve done. I think they also wouldn’t understand as, from the outside, we look like the perfect little family.

I know I’m a liar and a cheat and I don’t expect any sympathy. I don’t even know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post….I think I just need say the words, metaphorically, since I can’t speak about it to anyone. Is it possible to get past this feeling of loss and live a companionable life together? Or can the spark be re-kindled if it’s gone out?

She really isn't:

'I cry myself to sleep most nights. I cry in the toilets at work. I cry in the car. I feel like crying when I look at my DH because I used to love him with all my heart and I can’t believe this is where I am now.'

It's all very well to want to damn people who have had affairs. But it isn't reality to imply that the the OP is having a lovely time. Clearly, she is unhappy and is posting here for advice because of that.

I don't think the OP is regretting the affair though.

She says the 'intimacy has to stop'. But the intimacy in her head just means the shagging.

I suspect she still thinks it's OK to text the OM, and talk about why they can't be together, and all the other star-crossed lovers crap she's dreaming about.

It's still an affair whether you're shagging him or not, OP. So how can you possibly get your marriage on track whilst staying in contact with the OM?

Because 'contact' in your head doesn't mean ignoring him unless you absolutely have to talk to him. It means not sharing texts, emails, phone calls of any personal nature. Business-like and ignoring all the other stuff. Even just the 'how are you' texts that seem innocuous, but aren't really.

If you can't do that, how on earth can you get your marriage back on track?

Definitely cake and eating it here.

Thanks for all the comments. In answer to some of the questions -

I would love my relationship with my husband to be like it was before. I just don't know how/if we get that connection back when it's been missing for some time;
I would certainly consider counselling alone. My DH wouldn't consider it;
I met the OM through his employment. It's a complex issue needing his specific knowledge and won't be resolved for the next few months at least. After the business is concluded we will have no need to see each other again, and won't. I really can't say anymore than that;
I'm not having my cake and eating it now. I made a huge mistake and would change it if I could. But I can't. Believe me no-one knows more than me that what I've done is wrong.

Have you stopped texting him?

The OP's situation is crap, there's no cake involved. She's in two unhappy and unsatisfying relationships and is crying all the time. She knows who's fault that is, but really not helpful to imply she's on a jolly when she's asking for help and advice.

OP, have you had any counselling?

Jones, we don't text, talk, call or see each other about anything personal now. We have email contact and the occasional telephone conversation about the ongoing professional issue but that is all. We both know what we had couldn't continue and it hasn't.

I agree with Addtobasket.

But I think it may simply be that you have just had enough of your current relationship,
OP. That you can't be happy in it any more.

I'll take your word for it OP.

As someone who has been in the position of your husband (albeit with he knowledge that my DH had had an affair), it is possible to rediscover that spark, but you need to talk to your DH about what is missing and make a huge effort to put it back. Date nights etc.

DH and I are now great, never happier.

But, the honesty aspect is huge. Would we be here if I hadn't discovered DH's affair? Possibly not. He may well have never put his heart and soul into making us work. He may well have done that but felt so guilty that he would have always held something back, and that would have been the end of us too. Who knows? It's all hypothetical now.

None of us can make decisions for you, but personally I think you owe your husband the truth. If you are willing to put a massive effort into repairing things, he may well agree to counselling with full disclosure. But you should tell him and give him that choice.

Don't you owe him that after so long together?

Right behind AddToBasket and OldestStory on this one, OP.

I'd also like to point out that it is common for the cheating spouse to rewrite history and say their relationship with the BS has been rubbish for a while.

When in fact it wasn't, but only became so in comparison to new and shiny OM/OW.

Don't assume that everyone who cheats is actually in a shit relationship. Quite often it's dissatisfaction with themselves that leads someone to cheat.

Demelza
Firstly I want to say that I feel for you - and in many ways felt I was reading how I am feeling and how
My marriage feels right now- I empathise and know the struggle u are feeling.
Don't tell him about the affair there is no gain from it- it will only be detrimental.
It sounds like u do want to work at the marriage but that said - it takes him to want to commit to that and if he doesn't or can't - then you are left with the dilemma.

I understand why you have had an affair. Truly. I don't judge you as I feel
Almost identical to you...

Your marriage is shit because you have have transferred the "intimacy" to another man.

Read Esther Perel on infidelity, OP.

I couldn't have said it better than AF, Addto.

I'm more liberal than most with regard to emotional dalliances, but where a dh or dw has penetrative sex with a third party I incline to the view that honesty is the best policy and it is grossly unfair and disrespectful to the unsuspecting spouse to do anything other than enlighten them at the earliest opportunity if for no other reason that, no matter how discreet the adulterous pair may believe they have been, someone else may do so.

Although the OP professes to be crying all over the place I can't see that she's shedding any tears of regret over her affair, nor does she appear to be taking any action to 'make her marriage work' such as lavishing the same affection on her dh that she did on the om who she is continuing to see in a "non-social context" for "various practical reasons".

The OP's disclaimer does not inspire confidence that another car back seat hotel room won't beckon as, presumably, they have reverted to the status quo that led to their affair in which case it could be rekindled at any time.

I feel somewhat sorry for the OP but my sympathy lies entirely with her dh who, by her own admission, "is a lovely, kind man" and imo he doesn't deserve to be treated in such a cavalier fashion.

OP perhaps taking an STI test yourself might be in order. Just to make sure.

Sorry didn't put that very well.

I feel like crying when I look at my DH because I used to love him with all my heart and I can’t believe this is where I am now

You cry yourself to sleep, you cry in the toilets at work, you cry in the car, but it seems you don't feel like crying tears of remorse nor are you overwhelmed by paroxysms of guilt when you look at your dh because it's all about you and your lack of feelings for him.

Be careful, OP. If you continue with this school of rewritten history thought it won't be long before you justify your adultery by blaming your dh for causing you to impale yourself on another man's dick.

She's in two unhappy and unsatisfying relationships and is crying all the time What do you recommend, Addto? A happy and satisfying relationship with a third man to dry her tears? No need to tell her dh; we wouldn't want the OP to detonate her handmade grenade, would we?

I think she is crying because she wants to love her DP and she remembers what it felt like.

If only life were a simple matter of logic.

Id sit down with your OH and id talk it all over with him. Get someone to have the kids overnight and just sit there and tell him everything. I think if you have ever loved this man you owe him that.
You need to be honest and open. If you want to have a shot at saving your marriage you are going to have to try and actually talk to him and get him to talk to you about your problems as a couple.
I feel sorry for you, I see you are getting a lot of anger directed at you as you have cheated. Personally I think that this is just a fact of life that sometimes couples drift apart and if they don't keep an eye on it and work at it (both of them) then one or the other can end up cheating. I myself have never cheated but to be honest if this happened in my relationship as you have described and I was your OH I would actually think when told that I had some responsibility for the situation as I had been ignoring your attempts to address the issues.
It seems like a massive problem in your relationship is lack of genuine communication. You need to give him the chance to be honest with you by being honest with him. He may get angry and you may break up but that's better than lying forever and who knows it may actually open up a much needed discussion between you and actually bring you closer.

Generally speaking, I think that if you've unhappy enough to cheat, it's a sign you want to leave a relationship.

And the more honest thing to do is leave the relationship, even if it turns out to be only temporarily. A trial separation is more likely to make the other partner know what they are missing/realise the relationship needs work and therefore save the relationship than a secret affair.

A lot of people genuinely operate on the basis of thinking everything is fundamentally ok with a relationship as long as the other person is still there. That might not be an accurate view of human nature/relationships but it is understandable one, and is simple/straightforward and often honest.

I do get that loneliness and lack of intimacy can be real torture and that everyone makes mistakes. But infidelity in marriage is a really big deal. I couldn't continue in a marriage after being betrayed like that.

I think 'if only' are two of the saddest words in the English language, Pussycat, and never more so than when they're used after an event/incident that could have been prevented.

I don't get the feeling that the OP is shedding any tears over 'wanting' to love her dh, so much as she's crying over the fact that she no longer loves him with all this entails after a marriage of 18 years duration that has produced 2 young dc.

You can't carry on like this. You either need to work on the marriage or leave it, but it seems like the the time for sitting in limbo has passed? The OM sounds like a distraction here, and something that you are focusing on rather than the relationship issues.

It might take telling your DH about the affair or you moving out into the spare room to actually get your DH to understand that there is an issue. Otherwise he will likely keep thinking that things are fine, whatever you say to him.

If he won't agree to engage with you in working on the relationship, then ending the marriage is an option. Are financial/practical issues really insurmountable? They might not be if you actually separated rather than worrying about what might be, as then you would be dealing with a real situation rather than a million maybes.

OP, you are getting a kicking which I think is uncalled for. People love to behave as if the world is black and white, but these things never are. There are so many differing factors. Your affair was a betrayal of your husband, but I can feel how much you don't want to hurt him, things are so much more complicated than others are giving credit for.

To be be frank, I think you have to face up to the fact that you no longer love your husband. It is very sad, but consider what you both deserve for the rest of your life. A loveless, affectionless marriage is not fair on you or your husband. Perhaps you can work at it, but it is extremely hard to come back from the betrayal of affairs. Some people manage it, some people must accept the end and move on.

It sounds like your husband has been avoiding intimacy for some time.

Perhaps he's happy with how things are.

Perhaps he's having/has had his own affair/affairs.

Perhaps he is lonely and sad but unable/unwilling to address it out of fear.

Telling him what you have done will force the situation you are both in now into a riskier one, but with a chance of a better outcome.

If you don't tell him, you have to either stay and lie to him for the rest of your time together, or leave.

Cheating is cheating, it's that black and white to me, you did wrong, no matter what the catalyst was, you are married, you took vows, you have broken them now. I don't care what anyone else says, for me, there's NEVER an excuse to cheat.

So, if I was you, I'd put my cards on the table and fess up and be honest with your OH - talk, and talk and talk and find a resolution, whether it's to try again with the marriage or split for good - either way at least you are being truthful and not living a lie.