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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It looks like My husband is planning to leave us...

143 replies

GrandHighWitchy · 29/02/2016 10:39

Long backstory, but main parts are he has physically abused me in the past, i suffered many miscarriages after he had hit me. I stayed because I felt shame at ending my marriage and what people would say. Our families also do not get along. We are from an Asian background so this is a big issue.

My dad has been ill past few weeks in hospital and he hasn't been helping with the kids. we had an argument and now 2 days later I see his suitcases are packed. Looks like he's leaving.

He's done the packing suitcase act before and I always stop him. This time I don't give a shit. He can fuck off. For all the shit he's put me through and ruined my self belief and confidence. He's gone to work now. I assume he's going back to his motherland in a few days although I haven't seen any evidence of tickets etc. he's blocked my number, deleted me off Facebook etc. my sister is telling me to let him fuck off and have some self respect. I have her support.

How can I prepare? I don't work. My dads ill in hospital. That's all that matters right now but I feel I should be prepared.

Sorry for being all jumbled up. I don't really feel angry/sad/anxious about this. I feel nothing.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 29/02/2016 13:38

OP. I would report the passports as lost so that an immediate stop is put on them.

You could ring the school to discuss your fears, but they won't be able to stop him from taking them from school as he is their father, however they could alert you if it happens.

Allyoucaneat · 29/02/2016 13:39

Find those passports! Also make sure all the other documents are well hidden. Try to get them out of your house if at all possible, perhaps with your sister? Make sure you withdraw all joint funds too so he can't access them or leave you with no money.

Good luck.

yumyumpoppycat · 29/02/2016 13:40

You need professional advice, those documents should not be in his case. what will he say when he realises they are gone?

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 29/02/2016 13:40

Your sister is right. Listen to her!

I would be worried about the passports. Do you know where your children are? Can they go to your sister for a few days? Do they have UK passports and passports from their father's country? Remember there are very few checks on people leaving UK - so he could use either their UK documents or their other documents to board a flight. Reporting them lost will not mean that the children are automatically identified if he attempts to take them out of the country on them. Exit checks are done by the airline who just check the name against the name on the ticket and any visa requirement. There is no immigration check unless the child is on ports watch lists...

It is worth looking at this document from the FCO to see what steps you can take to make sure he does not abduct them. It is much easier to prevent an abduction from the UK than it is to get a child returned once they have been taken.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/265613/Int_Child_Abduction_1113_AW.pdf

Domestic violence is a crime. You should report every incident to the police. They have become much more culturally sensitive at dealing with this kind of crime. You deserve better than this man. Flowers

OTheHugeManatee · 29/02/2016 13:41

He's planning to take your children Shock

Get the documents out of the house and call the police for advice on how to head this off.

BloodyPlantagenets · 29/02/2016 13:44

You need some outside help with this. I would call the police and tell them that he's violent and is planning to take your children. See if they can send an officer round to be there when he gets in so you can fit the passports back safely.

rioblue · 29/02/2016 13:48

OP I'm worried about what he will do when he realises you've been going through his suitcases and removing documents - given his violent behaviour ib the past. Can you collect the children now and take them to your sister's? It might sound like an over reaction but I really think you need to be on your highest guard here. Better safe than sorry. Please consider it.
I'm glad you've got your sister and wish you all the best in getting this bully out of your life. Flowers

Buzzardbird · 29/02/2016 13:49

Watch that he hasn't planned to pick up kids early and then collect his cases when you leave to collect them at normal time. Speak to school. Is he on the list of approved people to collect them?

0dfod · 29/02/2016 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 13:51

Yep, report the pasports as lost ASAP.
Go and pick up the children from school and go to your dsis.

Oh an plan to separate NOW and to take steps for that he can't abduct them.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 13:52

Note: as you are currentl;y married, him taking the dcs with him to his home country will not be seen as an abduction (even if, in some ways it is).
You need to prevent him from leaving the country with them, which he is entitled to do atm.

ReadyPlayerOne · 29/02/2016 13:52

I echo other posters saying report those passports as stolen. Inform the school. You say he's been violent with you before: call the police.

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 13:57

You're remarkably calm about this, OP. And he's been violent in the past - what do you think he's going to do when he realises all those papers have gone?

You need to report this to the police and report those passports as stolen, including your own.

ThePartyArtist · 29/02/2016 13:58

Ring women's aid and get their advice, quickly! It sounds very much like he is planning to take the children.

Here is the info from their website. If you go on their website use the button at the top to hide it from your internet history.

The 24hr freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) is available on 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

It is answered by fully trained female helpline support workers and volunteers who will answer your call in confidence. All calls to the helpline are free from mobiles and landlines.

lavenderhoney · 29/02/2016 14:02

He's planning to leave and take the DC. He won't be looking after them, his family will and he'll divorce you from there. Can you photocopy or take pics of the docs you've found? You'll need them.

Pick the kids up from school early and take them to your sisters. Don't allow him any time alone with them.

Contact reunite by telephone ( google it) and ask for immediate advice - you need to call the police and tell them and you need to get the help of a solicitor experienced in child removal by parents from the uk and they will immediately ensure they will be stopped at an airport etc - re unite has links too.

You're very calm. I'd be at the school now taking them away somewhere safe and filing for divorce PDQ before he does and before he gets on a plane with them.

Lookingforward2016 · 29/02/2016 14:03

I cant add to what all the others have suggested here. Very good advice. But holding hands right now. You will come out of it so strong.

Ginkypig · 29/02/2016 14:04

If he takes the children it might be years before you get them back if ever! Depending on the country.

I'm not saying this to scare you.

Tell the school your worried and not to let anyone apart from you to take them out of school.

Report passports stolen today

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 29/02/2016 14:04

Get your kids now. Bring them to your sisters.

Get in touch with the DV unit of your police and have the police at home with you when he comes home to collect his things. They'll help with with getting your passports off of him.

Millymollymoo8 · 29/02/2016 14:05

Bury the paperwork in the garden. ( plastic bag it)
Ring the passport office and police.

I think you are a bit too relaxed, it would be a nightmare if he goes on the run in his homeland. Do not let him take them. Definitely warn school.

Lookingforward2016 · 29/02/2016 14:05

Yes call the school at least immediately. It's already pretty late in afternoon. He might be getting there if that's his plan.

Millymollymoo8 · 29/02/2016 14:06

And yes it would be hard work for him, he'll take them to spite you and get a family member to look after them

TheWitchsCat · 29/02/2016 14:07

Agree with everyone else, please call the police then get your children and get out of there

HollyJollyDillydolly · 29/02/2016 14:08

I second collecting kids early and going to your sisters. I'd does seem like he is thinking of taking your children with him :(

Fifi10 · 29/02/2016 14:08

I would go now and collect the children from school early, if he turns up to collect them the school cannot prevent him from doing this as he currently has as much legal rights as you to take them.

I would also get in touch with the police immediately. He has been physically abusive in the past, this is more than enough reason to. They may also be able to help you get to a place of safety with the children.

MaybeDoctor · 29/02/2016 14:11

Dear god, I am praying this turns out ok.