I've been put off OLD for life after this

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

Met a guy from Tinder about 1 month ago and we went on 2 dates over a 3 week period. He was the first person I'd met up with and although I didn't fancy him on our first date, I thought he seemed really sweet and we seemed to get on so I agreed to a second date.

On said 2nd date it became clear he was desperate to settle down and have children which is not something I'm looking for at the moment and made this clear through our conversations. He took me segwaying (sorry not sure how to spell) and I borrowed his jumper (horrible G raw hoody not a cashmere sweater or anything) as it was cold and then we went for dinner which I offered to pay for which he declined.

Anyway, I decided soon after that we weren't looking for the same things and there were a few other things he had said which creeped me out abit so I sent a nice txt explaining this and wishing him well.

Since then he has sent me a few texts offering to pick his jumper up but it's always been when my children are at home and I don't want him near my house. The first chance I'd had to drop it off was this weekend so I said I would drop it off around 7. He agreed and asked me if I wanted to come inside for a cup of tea but I politely declined as I was going to my friends house and just passing by (plus he creeped me out).

I was running late and got to his about 7.45pm. He hadn't mentioned he was going out so didn't think it would be an issue to be abit late, plus was only dropping off a bloody jumper!! I said hi, told him I was in a rush so gave the jumper and he made a comment under his breath as he walked away about me being late etc. I just shrugged it off and drove away then arrived at my friends house to this lovely text....

'Ur funny.. honestly.. I take u out twice spend probably the best part of £250 and then I get a "sorry I'm not ready speech".. then u feed me bullshit about returning my things.. I was nothing but nice to you Jaffa and if this is how u treat people well it's no surprise to me that ur single. U were really rude before and I didnt deserve that.. what did I do to you? U changed in an instance. Glad I found out what u were really like early, before I wasted anymore time on you. Date tonight with someone who actually does mean what she says. Good luck Jaffa as believe me with ur attitude and bullshit stories ur gonna need it love.'

I feel really creeped out, I don't know why this has upset me so much. He lives a short walk from my house and knows where I live. I can't believe my judge of character is so way off too, usually I can spot a creep from a mile away!!

Why do guys like this think they have the right to be horrible just because they spent abit of money on a date and didn't get sex at the end? I'm ready to give up on dating for a while as this was so aggressive and unwarranted. He's 38 for god sake!!!

Has anyone else experienced this?

Well, he would have been even later for his non-existent date, if Jaffacakes hadn't declined the cup of tea, wouldn't he, Sma?

Ugh that message is horrible

FFS he insisted on paying. What the fuck was the OP supposed to do wrestle him to the ground after he insisted like Mrs Doyle and that other old woman in the tearoom in Father Ted!

I've never found it that hard to pay my own way Helena. Never been any wrestling involved.

Fed Up Would you do it if it meant taking it to the point of arguing in front of restaurant staff and causing a scene?

Fedup, at the time I didn't think he was paying because he wanted sex. I thought he was a nice guy who was offering to pay because on principal he had asked me out and wanted to pay (his words not mine). Maybe this was silly to believe on my part but I can only learn from my mistakes. I only feel that he was paying for dinner to get sex now because I received an arsey text making adding up the amount he'd spent on the dates and accusing me of changing and being horrible etc when all I had done was politely tell him I didn't want the same as him.

He was pretending to be lovely until I called things off. It was only once the jumper was returned and he realised I didn't want to sleep with him and he now had no excuse to see me again and get me up to his house for sex a cup of tea that he flipped. All was very polite until that exact moment, even the lateness of the jumper.

I'm freaked out because I have stupidly given someone I only met twice a lot of information about myself such as my address. I don't tend to get horrible texts in my day to day life over trivial things like late jumpers so find it all very creepy and strange.

Helena I have been on quite lot of dates. I have never had a issue. Genuinely quite surprised there are supposedly all these men going about desperate to pay for everything, and in fact insisting upon it.

Jaffa, he shouldn't have been such an arse, I do agree. Block his number etc. Truly there are nice guys OLD, two of my friends have had match.com babies with really lovely guys.

 Helena, It might have to come to that if I ever do decide to date again

Fed up, maybe you have not had the pleasure of being on a date with a guy that insists on paying in the hope you will feel you 'owe' him sex after. The more I think about it, the more I think of it as a tactic!!

Thank you though, I'm sure I'll get over it soon. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the guy. He really is an immature creepy little prick and I shall just hold my head up high if we do bump into each other!!

He sounds like an idiot so you're well off out of it

Tbh honest tho re the rest of it I can't see from your OP where it comes across that he wanted sex. What I saw was "he wanted to settle down"

Also if I didnt fancy a man and had a clothing item he wanted back, and I didnt want contact with him, then Id drop it off to him so quickly you'd think it was a hot iron. & that would be that. I wouldn't mess around for days giving him the chance to ask for said item several times, if he lives round the corner its not difficult to find a couple of minutes. & its not relevant whether the hoody cost £10 or £100.

Better luck next time but perhaps handle things differently

The spiel about wanting to settle down was presumably part of his 'game' ...a sales tactic designed to get you to agree to sex, after which you'd be ghosted
You out maneuvred him and he wasn't the player he thought he was

Your judge of character is fine, you realised after a few dates he was a creep. Not as if you dated for months and months.

He can't take rejection so he's being nasty wanting to hurt you. Ignore and move on.

He told you he wanted to settle down and have children. He had high expectations didn't he? Maybe it wasn't about sex. Just rejection. I find lots of men on online dating do want a romantic dream eg a princess to spoil .

Yeh i had a message from a man wanting to be my knight in shining armour. He was a student in a house share at 51.

Oh god Twomag, that's tragic. These guys have such a warped sense of reality!!

Whilst I was on the second date, I recall him being annoyed because he was talking to someone and all was going well and then she just started ignoring him. That was a whole month before we met up and he was still clearly annoyed about it. It happens all the time on OLD, I can't understand why he took it all so personally.

Also another creepy comment was when he said we were the best looking people in the building (at dinner). Oh, so modest!!

He also told me he wanted to come off tinder the day we met to 'see where we would go' but his profile remained on there the whole time so I do think he got outplayed (not that I intended to play him).

I had this during my OLD time. One 'suitor' who i had spoken to but declined a date with wrote me an essay a couple of months later on how he had met a fantastic woman who he intended to marry so I had missed the boat.
Another demanded a book back he had lent me and was offended that I popped it in the post (along with a £20 note for the deposit on a weekend away he had planned before he asked for that back too) and complained I didn't have the decency to return it in person'
Give it no headspace OP. He feels rejected and is lashing out. You owe him nothing and will never see him again.
FWIW I met the current Mr. Fairy through OLD. We're very well matched and that's all down to being honest with each other about what our expectations were. You've done right by yourself and your date by being honest.

What I saw was "he wanted to settle down"

I'm only quoting MistressDeeCee, but I'm talking to SecretLove too (or anybody else who is in any doubt): some of the WORST players on OLD do the "I reeellly wanna settle down" spiel when all they want is a quick shag & scarper.

I've mentioned this before, and am really irked with myself that I can't find the original fred where I first read this, but a poster had conducted an experiment online: created two different but equivalent (female, good-looking, etc) profiles, one wanted to settle down, one just wanted fun. The "settle down" profile got massively more hits, and from men who transpired to be of the shag&scarper persuasion.

Just saying they want to settle down don't make it so. In OP's case, his actions spoke volumes. Screamed them.

Oh, and OP, I'm sorry you got such a bashing re: the "hoodie v cashmere" thing - the posters who misinterpreted that must have been trying pretty hard to be unsupportive. That's not what we're here for.

BTW, I just loved the "slot machine" analogy. It's perfect. Men who think like this really don't believe we're people.

OMG Jaffa I think I've spoken to the same bloke on OLD! He started messaging me, saying that he wanted kids & to settle down etc, and was really pushy saying he wanted to come over to my house for a cup of tea that night. Made me quite uncomfortable and he used loads of text speak so I said I thought maybe not, he seemed nice but not much in common etc. That opened the floodgates - message after message about how fake I was & how I had an attitude problem, was leading him on, I would be alone forever with my fake lying personality! How many of these men are out there?!

Well, to be fair I would also feel you had been very rude about the jumper, especially being so late on a Saturday night. You didn't think it would be a problem because you didn't give a damn... I'd probably decide you were spoilt too, especially if you had made it clear that I wasn't allowed to so much as walk up your garden path.

Madison and OP, please do PM each other with the details and report back!

Lost, you're right. I didn't give a damn about the jumper. I saw it at nothing more than an inconvenience as I knew I would have to see this creep again and I really really didn't want to. I wanted to block his number and throw it in the bin, I wanted to sling it over his gate, but I thought this might be quite rude so I decided to drop it off in person. This may seem rude and entitled to some but I felt he was getting it back so what difference does a few days make. Maybe some people are so attached to an item of clothing that they cannot bare to live without it but I assumed most of these people were aged 6 or less.

I have a busy life, I work full time and I'm a single mum to 3. I don't get home most evenings until 7pm and then I have to cook dinner and spend time with my children so the jumper wasn't on the top of my to do list. He seemed quite happy about me dropping it off on the Saturday, so much so that he wanted to celebrate with me by having a cup of tea. It was the earliest convenient time for us both so I can't see the issue here.

I was late and for that I can only apologise. I would have apologised if he had said something along the lines of 'Jaffa, you were late and this was very rude'. However, that's not the text I received. It was more of a personal attack saying I'm full of bullshit and will be single forever. I think that is far more rude than being late or is that just me?

I wouldn't let him walk up the garden path because I didn't want my children to see him. They may have asked 'who's that mum?' and how would I reply? 'Oh no one darling, just some creep who is using the guise of picking up his jumper as a way to reinitiate contact and try get in my knickers'! I had no idea how he would react if I saw him and I didn't really want to find out whilst my children were present.

I'm sure I would have got a flaming on here if I had told anyone I let my children meet a man I went on 2 dates with and wasn't interested in no? My children are school age so are not tucked up in bed asleep until about 10pm (yes I put them to bed earlier than this before anyone takes up issue but they don't necessarily fall asleep until much later).

Madison, we really do need to compare notes. It could well have been the same guy or maybe this is a much more common tactic than we realise

Well the bloke I was talking to lived in Sheffield. Don't know what would be scarier - if it was the same person or if there's more than one of them out there