I've been put off OLD for life after this

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

Met a guy from Tinder about 1 month ago and we went on 2 dates over a 3 week period. He was the first person I'd met up with and although I didn't fancy him on our first date, I thought he seemed really sweet and we seemed to get on so I agreed to a second date.

On said 2nd date it became clear he was desperate to settle down and have children which is not something I'm looking for at the moment and made this clear through our conversations. He took me segwaying (sorry not sure how to spell) and I borrowed his jumper (horrible G raw hoody not a cashmere sweater or anything) as it was cold and then we went for dinner which I offered to pay for which he declined.

Anyway, I decided soon after that we weren't looking for the same things and there were a few other things he had said which creeped me out abit so I sent a nice txt explaining this and wishing him well.

Since then he has sent me a few texts offering to pick his jumper up but it's always been when my children are at home and I don't want him near my house. The first chance I'd had to drop it off was this weekend so I said I would drop it off around 7. He agreed and asked me if I wanted to come inside for a cup of tea but I politely declined as I was going to my friends house and just passing by (plus he creeped me out).

I was running late and got to his about 7.45pm. He hadn't mentioned he was going out so didn't think it would be an issue to be abit late, plus was only dropping off a bloody jumper!! I said hi, told him I was in a rush so gave the jumper and he made a comment under his breath as he walked away about me being late etc. I just shrugged it off and drove away then arrived at my friends house to this lovely text....

'Ur funny.. honestly.. I take u out twice spend probably the best part of £250 and then I get a "sorry I'm not ready speech".. then u feed me bullshit about returning my things.. I was nothing but nice to you Jaffa and if this is how u treat people well it's no surprise to me that ur single. U were really rude before and I didnt deserve that.. what did I do to you? U changed in an instance. Glad I found out what u were really like early, before I wasted anymore time on you. Date tonight with someone who actually does mean what she says. Good luck Jaffa as believe me with ur attitude and bullshit stories ur gonna need it love.'

I feel really creeped out, I don't know why this has upset me so much. He lives a short walk from my house and knows where I live. I can't believe my judge of character is so way off too, usually I can spot a creep from a mile away!!

Why do guys like this think they have the right to be horrible just because they spent abit of money on a date and didn't get sex at the end? I'm ready to give up on dating for a while as this was so aggressive and unwarranted. He's 38 for god sake!!!

Has anyone else experienced this?

I had a guy persistently send me flirty messages every few days, requests to meet for a drink, etc and his messages got more and more suggestive until one day I received one calling me stuck up bitch for never replying. I finally messaged back saying that I wasn't interested and that asking how much I charge to let someone come on my tits isn't the best way to get my attention.

His reply: "I see you're quick enough to respond when you get a negative message, you fat cunt."

People can turn into disgusting creatures when their ego is bruised.

Ignore and move on OP he's a rude arse;

BUT I agree that you really should have split the bill for the dates.

Until you know that you are happy to reciprocate on the next date (which I would normally have discussed before the end of the previous one iyswim) then you should always pay half imho.

Letting a bloke pay for two dates before letting him down is really not on is it?

He is an arsehole and you are well rid of him.

But I think you were mad to let him have your address. Showing up 45 mins late is not really on. And referring to him as some 'random man' also a bit rude seeing as you had already been out with him twice. (Although I hate the seeming craze of referring to people as 'randoms').

A family member has just started OLD and I was really surprised that on their first date he was picking her up from home.

People are much more trusting than I am. No way would I give my address to someone I had met online that quickly.

Don't give our your Address Op

As I said in my post

But he should have just left it that when he got his clothes back.

Ie he had no right sending the text.

OP I have just had to report a guy I had had one date with to the police for harassment. He was my first date from p.o.f. and had rejected loads of men before I agreed to meet him. I'm giving up on it, too much trouble.

Yup you have definitely dodged a bullet here, he sounds very needy.

As previous posters have said...yes, there are a fair few arseholes out there but don't let it put you off OLD.

I ended up having 43 (yes...43!) first dates before meeting DP but am now as happy as a clam!

Cabrinha, thanks for the advice. I have definitely learned my lesson. The segwaying was a surprise, as in he drove me there and I didn't know what he had planned until arrival. I thought it was quite sweet at the time to plan a surprise and I'm sure he would have been even more offended if I refused to do an activity he had already planned, paid for and driven me to because it was outside of my budget.

I offered to pay for dinner and he declined saying that he had asked me out so he felt he should pay. I didn't think too much of it at the time and certainly didn't expect a power struggle to arise. I don't agree that I should have been forceful about paying. I offered and he declined. If I pay for dinner for one of my friends/dates/colleagues it's because I want to, not because I expect something in return like a future date. I don't give to receive.

I would have loved to have posted it through the letter box but since he lives at the top floor of a gated apartment building it would have been impossible.

I also don't see how I 'let him down'. We went on 2 dates, I decided he wasn't for me and I was honest. I could have been heartless and just stopped texting with the hope he would get the picture (happened to me lots of times) and thrown his stuff in the bin or slung it over the gate. Instead I was polite and explained the situation and returned his stuff even if it was a little late. He should have said if he had plans to go out.

He is a random guy, especially to my children so it an apt description. I agree I shouldn't have let him know where I live but he insisted on picking me up (also tinder shows how close we live) and I'm from a small town as it is. Again, I won't be so gullible in the future.

OP just for future reference Tinder shows you people within your set radius wherever you are so he wouldn't have specifically known how close you live. Ie if you're radius is set to 50 miles and you go to Spain for your holidays and go on tinder then tinder will show you Pedro and Juan etc who are currently within 50 miles of you. DP and I both had our radius set to 20 miles but popped up and matched to each other when I travelled to his area for work and nipped on Tinder in my lunchhour.

(We live 60 miles from each other)

So, given that you drove in his car to a surprise location, how did you manage with the golden rule of early dating: always have a friend know where you are?

Please don't be put off OLD, there are princes as well as frogs!

But do think about being safe and being assertive - he doesn't get to "insist" in picking you up. He doesn't get to insist on anything.

Any decent man will say "no problem" if you say "I don't give out my address - I'll meet you there" or "I'm not keen on a surprise date yet - could be out of my budget this month, or something I'd hate!"

Always be in control with OLD.

I know there are two camps on here for being paid for on a first date - but I think on the second, most agree it's time to split it. Especially when you weren't sure about him!

He's still a prick though.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Even though you were 45mins late, he had invited you in for a "cup of tea" so you were aware that he didn't have any immediate plans after the drop off.

You're well rid of him!
Block his number and move swiftly on.

"Even though you were 45mins late, he had invited you in for a "cup of tea" so you were aware that he didn't have any immediate plans after the drop off."
Whether he had plans or not is irrelevant. Keeping someone waiting that long is just damn rude. If someone did that to me there wouldn't be another date unless they has a bloody good reason why they were that late, why they had been unable to let me know they'd be late (and asked if it was still convenient to come over), and were very apologetic.

Jaffa, it would be a shame to let 1 experience put you off of OLD. But I agree with PPs; no way would I have let a "random" man I didn't know 1) come to my house, to 2) pick me up in his car, 3) drive me to an unknown place (which may or may not have been an ideal place to be assaulted or murdered), to 4) do some surprise activity that I hadn't a clue I'd enjoy or could afford, 5) let him insist on paying for the activity plus dinner, and 6) be left in a situation where I had to return property.

Was there a reason you didn't give him his hoodie back when he dropped you home?

See I just wouldn't have got in to a car with someone I didn't know very well for a second date. Other posters are right - you have taken a few safety risks here which you should learn from.

His text is out of order but it is easy to pay your own way on a date. You don't just offer once, you say that you'd be more comfortable to go halves and get your purse out.

Whataloadofbollocks, it wasn't a date, I was just dropping off his jumper on the way to my friends. Yes I was late which was shitty of me but I had to drop my kids off at their grandmas first and they were messing around getting shoes, coats etc and then had to settle them once there. It took longer than I realised and trust me, I wish I gave the jumper back straight away. I forgot I was even wearing it when he dropped me off.

I didn't want to see him again because I knew he was using the jumper as a way to reinitiate things (ie. Cup of tea offer) and I knew seeing him would be awkward but despite this I dropped it off and was polite. I wish I just threw it over the bloody gate now if I knew he was going to be such an arse about it all.

I completely agree with everyone that I was stupid to get in the car, tell him where I lived etc and I won't make that mistake again. I still don't see the issue with him paying though. He wanted to at the time and would have clearly felt it was money well spent if he got a shag out of the deal. Why offer something when you don't really want to do it and then blame someone else and try to make them feel like a bad person for accepting???

Some posts on this thread just seem completely bizarre to me. We are talking about a horrible aggressive text being sent because someone returned a jumper 45 minutes late. Do people really get that upset about things like this in real life?? I can't imagine being abusive to anyone, let alone over something so trivial. If the lateness was such an issue then surely that's all that would have been mentioned in the arsey text. Maybe he needed the jumper to wear for his next imaginary date

you have my sympathy.

He sounds like a fucked up bitter little old bastard. I blocked one of those before I@d met him TG. He started out normally and then when things weren't progressing at what he thought was the pace he deserved, he started trying to analyse me, saying, you went on a date last night but you're still on here, so didn't he meet your high standards? I blocked him. But he was SCARILY fucked up.

Re paying: I think people are just saying it was slightly disingenuous of you to let him pay when you clearly weren't that interested in him. I agree that he is not entitled to expect anything from you just because he paid but equally maybe the right thing to do wouldn't have been to let him pay. Comparing it to you buying your sister or a friend dinner (ie someone you have a long term relationship with and is part of your life) is not really equivalent.

Re lateness, yes some people do get very upset about lateness and think it is the height of rudeness. I say this as someone who is often late. Just because you are ok with lateness doesn't mean other people are ridiculous for being upset by it.

ps, i had a rl bf go nasty on me too once. Everything was great, well, mcgreat-lite, I sensed his self-esteem was a bit fragile, and sometimes he would TELL ME why I had done something (in my past) and when I corrected him ''no, I ...'' he would talk over me. I broke it off with him and then I got about four texts, so long that I had to scroll scroll scroll through each one, telling me my faults, how he should have paid attention to the 'red flags'. OMG.

There are a lot of men who need a therapist not a girlfriend.

PS - but his text was still out of order.

Don't let it put you off OLD, there are some good ones out there :)

when i was OLD a bloke messaged me who lived in london i live in yorkshire he had no picture on the site, we spoke on the phone a few times, messaged etc, he said he would come up to yorkshire for a visit,

red flags were popping, he dosent work so how was he going to afford it etc, then i asked him for a picture of himself, omg when he sent it he was awful looking, scruffy, not my type in any way shape or form and i dont worry about looks normally,

well he rang me and asked if i got the picture of him, i just said yes sorry but friends not a relationship, he said dont worry used to this reaction, he then preceded to text me every day for a week saying i had broke his heart, he thought we had a future and at this point we hadnt even met in real life i changed my phone number as luckily this was the only contact he had with me and i came off that particular dating site

on the other hand i met my current DP on pof so OLD isnt a total waste of time you just have to find the diamonds amongst the rocks

"Whataloadofbollocks, it wasn't a date, I was just dropping off his jumper on the way to my friends."

I know. You saw him 3 times in total; the first 2 times were dates and the 3rd was when you dropped his jumper off. What I was referring to was bad attitude to lateness (whether it's when meeting for a date or for any other reason) will put me off accepting further meetings/dates if offered. Yes it does piss me off, my time is precious to me, but I wouldn't get abusive over it. That bloke clearly didn't like being kept waiting, but had bigger issues with rejection.

This bloke is a twat.

I would be tempted to text back ' get the fuck over yourself, don't contact me again.'

It's entirely his fault for paying. Don't insist if you don't want to pay.

You don't owe him anything op.

If you think that was a horribly abusive message, then you really haven't done much OLD, sorry. It was rude and possibly not deserved, but I (and many women I know) have had worse sent in just a first contact message on dating sites. Once you've had 20 or more messages calling you a dirty slag or a whore, you develop a surprisingly thick skin.

Look at it from his POV, he thought he'd met someone he was interested in, he assumed you were interested too as you seemed to be enjoying his company, let him know where you lived, let him pay for everything...and then (from his POV) you changed your mind. He was hurt and rather than just turning the other cheek, he sent a rude message. I've been in a position when I was single where I went on dates, beforehand we seemed to be on the same page, on the date all seemed perfect, lots of chat about the next date (from them), and then nothing - or a feeble excuse like 'I'm busy at work' or a favourite 'you live too far away' 10 miles. Most of those guys I just thought FFS, and wrote it off to experience, but one or two, I did send a text saying exactly what I thought of their mixed messages and bullshit game playing. Maybe they were hugely offended by that, who knows, but it certainly made me feel better.

Basically, you got it wrong. You didn't set any boundaries (let him know where you lived, let him drive you about) which is bad enough with someone you like and are attracted to, even worse with someone you're not interested in at all. You shouldn't have gone for a second date given you weren't keen. You certainly shouldn't have let him pay for everything on the second date as well knowing you wouldn't see him again, it's just good manners.

Next time, be a little more careful about letting men take the lead. If you don't have much money, suggest plans for a date you know you can afford 50% of.