I've been put off OLD for life after this

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

Met a guy from Tinder about 1 month ago and we went on 2 dates over a 3 week period. He was the first person I'd met up with and although I didn't fancy him on our first date, I thought he seemed really sweet and we seemed to get on so I agreed to a second date.

On said 2nd date it became clear he was desperate to settle down and have children which is not something I'm looking for at the moment and made this clear through our conversations. He took me segwaying (sorry not sure how to spell) and I borrowed his jumper (horrible G raw hoody not a cashmere sweater or anything) as it was cold and then we went for dinner which I offered to pay for which he declined.

Anyway, I decided soon after that we weren't looking for the same things and there were a few other things he had said which creeped me out abit so I sent a nice txt explaining this and wishing him well.

Since then he has sent me a few texts offering to pick his jumper up but it's always been when my children are at home and I don't want him near my house. The first chance I'd had to drop it off was this weekend so I said I would drop it off around 7. He agreed and asked me if I wanted to come inside for a cup of tea but I politely declined as I was going to my friends house and just passing by (plus he creeped me out).

I was running late and got to his about 7.45pm. He hadn't mentioned he was going out so didn't think it would be an issue to be abit late, plus was only dropping off a bloody jumper!! I said hi, told him I was in a rush so gave the jumper and he made a comment under his breath as he walked away about me being late etc. I just shrugged it off and drove away then arrived at my friends house to this lovely text....

'Ur funny.. honestly.. I take u out twice spend probably the best part of £250 and then I get a "sorry I'm not ready speech".. then u feed me bullshit about returning my things.. I was nothing but nice to you Jaffa and if this is how u treat people well it's no surprise to me that ur single. U were really rude before and I didnt deserve that.. what did I do to you? U changed in an instance. Glad I found out what u were really like early, before I wasted anymore time on you. Date tonight with someone who actually does mean what she says. Good luck Jaffa as believe me with ur attitude and bullshit stories ur gonna need it love.'

I feel really creeped out, I don't know why this has upset me so much. He lives a short walk from my house and knows where I live. I can't believe my judge of character is so way off too, usually I can spot a creep from a mile away!!

Why do guys like this think they have the right to be horrible just because they spent abit of money on a date and didn't get sex at the end? I'm ready to give up on dating for a while as this was so aggressive and unwarranted. He's 38 for god sake!!!

Has anyone else experienced this?

Did you reply to his text OP? I would have replied "lol".

VanillaSue - sounds like he only wanted you, 'good side out'. When you weren't all, 'bright and shiny' and in a fun flirtatious mood. Guess what ? He acted like all the toys had been put away.

Well rid.

Jaffacakes - I realise you are fed up with his message to you. However, I've seen messages relayed on MN where OLD date guys have called the female person all sorts of names either by social media or e-mail and been a whole not nastier than just the self entitled twattery of your 'date'.

Doughnuts - His reply: "I see you're quick enough to respond when you get a negative message, you fat cunt."

Jaffacakes - now do you get it that his message was surprisingly erudite for an OLD. He's still a rude self entitled twat though.

U were really rude before and I didnt deserve that.. what did I do to you?

This actually sounds hurt / disappointed not to see you again rather than abusive.

As the others say, if you're going to do OLD you are going to have to toughen up. I've been asked for a hook up in a first message and then told to fuck off when I politely said no.

In future, arrange to meet at a public place, don't give out your address. And insist on paying 50/50. As others have said, you'd be amazed how many men believe they should be allowed access to your body for a £15 dinner!

And your lateness is irrelevant really. If you'd accepted a 'cup of coffee' he wouldn't have been arsey about it. Honestly you can feed a jumper through a letterbox, he didn't need to be there.

He's an arsehole, and he'd have behaved like an arsehole whether he paid or not. And no amount of money spent on you entities him to anything. And he chose to cook something expensive.

That's not the point. The point is that it's unfair to expect men to pick up the tab in early dating. Just simply unfair and not equal.

If we want men to stop thinking that their money entitled them to something, maybe we should stop signalling to men that they are expected to pay? If we can't be bought, why teach men that it's their role to pay for us?

I'm sorry to hear all of these awful stories. What gives these guys the right to be so horrible? I know what he said doesn't compare to the filth some people get sent but it's still unacceptable. Why should women shrug this stuff off because he didn't swear or threaten??

Maybe I'm over reacting but it really creeped me out at the time and over the weekend. It's quite scary to have a man you don't really know be so angry and misinterpret things whilst also knowing where you live (my fault completely) and that I have kids etc. Like I say, we live in a small town so bound to bump into each other at some point. My ex husband was abusive so maybe this has skewed my view on the situation too.

He may have been hurt and I can understand his disappointment but I didn't change or do anything rude, I just told him I wasn't ready for something serious and I was clear about this before we even met up and on our dates. I don't feel like I led him on, to me it was just 2 casual dates getting to know someone. I have no commitment to this man, isn't this what dating is all about??

I didn't expect him to pay, like I've said several times, I offered to pay my share and he declined. I may not have been forceful enough but surely that's his problem if he insists on paying and spending so much money on dates (and I doubt it was really that much, we went segwaying £25 and for dinner £25 so think he's adding his half too and then some) if he can't afford it/doesn't really want to/ran the risk of not getting sex at the end.

I know none of this would have happened if I had gone for the 'cup of tea' and slept with him, which is why I find it all so creepy and entitled. How can anyone think they are owed sex, attention, love from someone?

It's just frustrating because I started OLD to have fun, meet some interesting people, potentially meet someone I could see a future with and this guy has ruined it for me (for now) as I was having fun up until this point. I've stopped chatting to all the other guys I was talking to and cancelled a date this week because of this.

I know I will have to develop a thicker skin, I have had other creeps send me rude stuff etc and one guy kept calling me and adding me on Facebook (he found me through my phone number which i didn't know was possible, I've changed my settings now). What creeps me out is that I met this one and he seemed normal and sane. The slightest thing and he has flipped and accused me of being horrible etc. I just feel quite exposed and vulnerable, admittedly my own fault as gave him way too much information about myself.

Another creepy thing is him wanting to have sex with a woman who felt she owed it him because he'd spent money on her, rather than a woman who was doing it out of sexual desire.

It suggests that he see's sex as a service that women perform for men, rather than something 2 people do out of mutual desire and for mutual pleasure

What creeps me out is that I met this one and he seemed normal and sane. The slightest thing and he has flipped and accused me of being horrible etc. I just feel quite exposed and vulnerable, admittedly my own fault as gave him way too much information about myself

I think with OLD you do learn quite quickly how to draw people out and spot the red flags whilst at the same time protecting yourself

I can never understand how or why sex on the 'first date' happens which I read a lot about on here. What if they came to your home and you didn't want to see them again after that? If I did that I know I would get into a big mess because a lot of men I have met have been very angry if let down after a very casual date. Mind you I would never do a meal or activity the first few times. Drinks or coffee max.

"I would be tempted to text back ' get the fuck over yourself, don't contact me again.'"

I'd be inclined to text back and say "you have no right getting upset about paying for the dates when you insisted even when I offered. When you go on dates you always run the risk that the other person won't feel the chemistry, or see a future with you. That's life. I run the same risk. So if it's going to piss you off so much, in future let them pay their half. If you want your money to guarantee something from a woman, hire a sex worker!"

Then again I'd never let a man pay for me until I was sure I wanted to see him again, and never on the first date. Otherwise it wouldn't sit right with me. They can try and insist all they like, I'd just be a stuck record and say "No. At this stage I prefer to pay my own way. Thanks anyway".

He insisted on paying, Op let him....no big deal.

Infact Op you've done yourself a massive favour. Imagine if you'd decided to carry on dating and he paid for a couple of other bits and bobs down the line. He'd have added that to his bill in his silly text and been even more rude I bet.

Look at other sites maybe. I used match years ago. Used to make me chuckle when all their heads came up in a gallery when you logged in.

I used to call it the little shop of horrors

Good luck

Yes, he obviously paid not out of generosity or because he liked you and wanted to treat you, on one level, not that deep a level, he thought he was buying sex. So he really ought to have made that clearer, by not accepting your suggestion to go halves, he cast you in a role you didn't want (all of this going on inside his own head of course)

Better luck next time.

Have a look at bye Felipe- it'll desensitise you to it, it's so common

You are well rid.

Whataladofoldbollocks has hit the nail on the head. If he wanted sex he should be paying a sex worker but men like him don't want to admit that they have to go down that route.

I really don't think it's helpful for anyone to accept abusive messages.

Always respond and always report.
You don't gave to get into a slanging match just be very firm and direct.

I think the sex worker comments are in poor taste to be honest. Almost as if a man wanting sex should just go to a sex worker and that's fine.

I've said it several times: he's an arsehole and there's no justification for that rudeness.

But...

It's totally unfair to say that he thought he was BUYING something by paying. Because if you want to hold that as FACT, then surely you have to hold as fact that the OP and other women who don't pay their own way are SELLING. And I'm not sure people want to say that.

He's allowed to be disgruntled about the money if he thinks that the OP was never interested in a serious relationship yet allowed him to date/pay as if she was. What he's NOT allowed to do is show that to the OP and be rude to her. You pays your money you takes your chances. But it's not fair to let a man pay for you if he thinks he has any chance but actually has no chance.

But it's not fair to let a man pay for you if he thinks he has any chance but actually has no chance.

I've had guys use me for sex making me think we are dating but actually arent interested at all. I think htat is far worse than letting someone buy you dinner.

He's clearly got a very fragile and bruised ego and sending you that awful text made him feel a bit better. You'll get more perspective on it as time passes and be able to see him for the sorry individual he is. He's the one with the problem. You did nothing wrong!

That used to happen to me too SoThatHappened. It was heartbreaking sometimes. I agree that it's far worse than letting someone buy you dinner. Any decent man knows that buying dinner doesn't mean entitlement to sex.

The problem is Cabrinha that I didn't realise how desperate he was to be in a relationship until the second date and therefore I had already 'allowed' him to pay before he got too full on and I changed my mind.

The point of dating is getting to know whether you are compatible with someone and this can change at any time if they reveal something you don't like. The idea that you should only let a man pay for dinner if you are interested is flawed because I clearly was interested enough to go on a second date (so this was acceptable for me to allow him to pay?) and then decided I didn't like him after the second date (hence I offered to pay and he declined). I still think that is his issue, he should have taken me up on my offer.

If he had got sex out of me, I'm pretty sure he would have felt this was money well spent which is pretty much the same as trying to 'buy' sex indirectly.

I was reading through earlier comments and there was mention of his text sounding hurt and upset. Can someone really get that hurt and upset about someone they met twice?? If so, they have serious issues. I think again the more likely explanation is that his ego was hurt and his penis was upset!!

I have had a look at the byefelipe site and the men on there are unbelievable. Some of the comebacks from the women are pure genius though, I wish I was quick enough to come up with a witty response to this idiot, the one about buying sex was pretty spot on!!

I have had weird creepy messages from guys (see attached) but it's always slightly more creepy when you have actually met them and shared information about yourself.

If he paid first date you should have paid for the second or gone Dutch for both.

Dating happens at the weekend so 45 mins late could be a massive inconvenience.

He sounds like an arse though.

Sma, I seriously doubt he had a date. If so, why was he trying to invite me up that day for a 'cup of tea'? And why would getting his jumper back right then and there be a top priority?

Once again, I tried to go Dutch. He declined. Short of ramming his share of the money where the sun doesn't shine I'm not sure what else I could do without it being awkward. Granted that this situation was very awkward in the end anyway

Jaffa yes people can be upset after two dates. They are most likely over reacting but sometimes when you are single you over invest in something and are then annoyed when you feel you've been messed around. Goodness knows I've been pissed off when someone's ditched me after a few dates (albeit I didn't then send them a snotty text).

You yourself started off by saying that you had been put off online dating for life by this guy, after all. Why are you bothered by his text or what he thinks when it's only two dates?

I do think you have double standards by saying he was trying to pay for sex but still letting him pay. Find that logic quite odd.

His text is still arseholish though, hopefully you will have better luck next time, don't let it put you off.