Handing down baby clothes but recipient ungrateful

[elizabennett1]

Hi ladies just having a bit of a vent I guess. I've recently packed up my four months old newborn, 0 to 1 month and 0 to 3 month baby clothes. It was mainly good stuff from next, marks and spencer, m and co, designers at debenhams, as well as some more worn baby grows etc from supermarkets. Some of it had never even been worn by my baby. It was quite hard to do this but I thought I would pass it on to my husbands brother and his partner who are having a baby as they said they wanted any hand me downs going and the clothes were so lovely I didn't want them going to waste.
I do want another child but not for a while so thought I won't hang onto it and she can always let me have some of it back after using it as so much stuff!
However I found it quite hard to hand it over but did so to my brother in law, bags and bags of stuff.
This was over a week ago and she has not been in touch at all to say thank you! I have a little girl and she is having a little girl so I thought she would be really grateful for so much stuff in nice clean condition! But no nothing not even a text!!
She can be a funny girl but if someone had done that for me when I was expecting I would have been super grateful! It's made me regret giving the stuff away now and I wish I'd hung onto it for my next one or one of my more grateful friends. The brother wasn't particularly grateful either but I thought men don't necessarily know how much clothes are etc !

Am I right to be miffed?

They both should of thanked you. A text would do.

Don't worry about the high and mighty responses you have gotten. Some people on hear are really rude and will always have a go and moan.

I was given loads of clothes, toys, bits and bobs from my family. I was really grateful pleased and overwhelmed. It's a lovly thing to be able to do.

As your brother in law took them I think she would assume that he thanked you. Why do you expect her to thank you too? The clothes don't have greater value to her simply because she is a woman.

^^ this

In my experience the giver of hand me downs is usually grateful to get rid of them! A verbal thanks is plenty.

It's nothing to do with her being a woman, it's just basic decency as a parent to say thank you when somebody gives you something for your child.

Rainbiwstardrops they wouldn't be for you, they'd be for your (and your dh's ) baby.

" the giver's child has grown out of them so they are passing them on to you so they don't have them cluttering up their house."
Other than the vests they left hospital in that is exactly how I feel. No matter how cute they looked on their little outfits, once they've outgrown them they're just thigs taking up precious space we don't have. I'm grateful to anyone who will take them and use them to save me binning them or taking them to the charity shop, which is open 10 to 4, 4 daY's a week.

Switch, assuming they'd been handed to the woman would you have also expected a text from the man?

I have a sharing arangement with some friends and family of mine, it's been going over 25 years.

Baby stuff just gets passed around amongst the group stuff gets binned if ruined and other stuff gets added so it's always approx the same volume of stuff that goes about.

Some of the things have lasted through 15 babies but nobody makes a song and dance about it.

Each time the items get passed along it is doing BOTH parties involved a favour.

The reciepiant from the obvious money saving stance and the giver because they are not storing and it's nice for sentimental reasons.

Why on earth would anyone expect anything other than a simple thanks and a smile on hand over?

stealth yes I would when its family. I wouldn't expect a friends husband to text but if it was my bil I would. My dh has always sent a thank you text if my family have bought something for our dc.

phequer I know that but if a family member gave something to dh for our dc I would, and have sent a quick text to say thanks for...dc loves it/will look cute in it etc.

Perhaps your SIL feels pressured to return them in perfect condition as you have implied you want them back and were reluctant to let them go?

Something similar happened to us.

A member of DH family asked us, when we had DD if we would like "a few bits" she had kept back from her two DDs. I was reluctant as we already had quite a lot bought by family members on my side. I wasn't ungrateful, but as I said, not keen on the idea.

What she meant by a few bits was four boxes of clothes, a huge box of toys, bouncy hair, play mat and a Moses basket with a million sheets and blankets. Apparently (according to her DH) she wanted to make space in the loft and was clearing out quite a bit - no need to return etc etc.

She asked for them back 5 months later - some of which I HAD used and was a little worn. She got really ratty with me, yet despite this (and my adamant protesting) sent her DH round with a further 5 boxes of older girls clothes for "when she grows into them". I stuck them straight in the garage and returned them a couple of months later.

Perhaps your SIL is worried for similar reasons?

Really switch? It seems your family is a lot more polite than mine :) fair enough. If mil and pil have been looking after the dc and dh picks them up I'd expect him to thank them. I'd probably also say thanks next time I texted but wouldn't make a point of it, and vice versa.

SIL probably imagines BIL thanked you profusely when you gave him the clothes. If he didn't thank you properly then you are quite right to be a little cross with him. I don't think this is anything to do with SIL though.

It's a bit OTT to expect her to contact you separately. As PP have said, this thread smacks of wifework.

I distinctly remember (15 years ago) standing in Mothercare heavily pregnant needing to buy 'stuff' and walking out close to tears because I was so overwhelmed. The outfits bought for my baby by my work colleagues had a similar effect. It was just too much and made something which was still fairly abstract a reality.

Don't give up on her because you don't feel she is being grateful enough. That's about you, not her. (It's also really bloody useful to have someone to pass stuff onto so you don't have to hve it knocking about for years!)

She might want 'all new' for her baby, as some parents do. BIL might not. I personally wouldn't want second hand babygrows, but a small bag of a few outfits is a nice thing to hand over.

When you see her LO in something you have given her, that will probably make you happy.

I was 'one of those' who posted about a lack of thank you cards after posting Christmas presents. I find it incredibly rude that people don't feel the need to say thank you for things. Someone gave me a bunch of baby clothes which I didn't want (especially as she wanted them returned. Far too much responsibility!) so I bagged them up and gave them back when DC was too big for them, and raved about how kind it was of her. I also thanked her at the time. I think if someone takes the time to think of you, it is hardly unreasonable to expect a thank you text.
I also don't think you came across as sexist. I have always been the one to dress our DC as my DH really isn't fussed about all that, and I would say that is quite common amongst my friends. I would be the one to get excited about a bag of clothes, he'd probably just see it as 'more stuff'

So they asked you and you felt obliged to give them stuff? I think I would be pretty miffed at the lack of a thankyou.

She will have seen it as you having a bit of a clearout and not that you're somewhat attached and she would have assumed that your bil had done the thanking.

If they ask for anything else say no.. Not if you're planning more babies.

Maybe she's having a difficult pregnancy and trusted her partner to say thanks.

She probably knows you think she's 'a bit funny' and thinks it will keep things more pleasant if her partner just communicates with you.

Ask yourself why his thanks isn't enough? Why do you have to hear the words from her? I know what you meant when you said the men might not understand the value of clothes, but I don't think you should underestimate them.

When I had DS1 I was so busy dealing with the huge changes in my life that I didn't double thank people. I trusted DH to thank his side and I thanked mine.

I think how strongly you feel about this is more about how hard it was for you to let go of these baby things and what they represent for you than a massive faux pas from your sister in law.

Gifts should be given freely and with a happy heart, then what reaction you are getting for them is not as important.

I hope you feel better soon

I get you op, your probably thinking you would have text yourself so assumed she would too. If someone gives dh something that benefits me too and we are grateful for then I would of course text even if I knew he had thanked them, I would thank from me, I don't think that is saying as a girl she should be more grateful, just ye had spoken about it and a quick text would be polite.

I would advise though bagging all your clothes and storing them for your kids, only pass on when you are finished and not before, you'll be glad if you have more kids. I wouldn't pass on if I wasn't finished even if it was to someone very grateful.

I passed on loads off dd's for years, over about 6 years, i thought I was just having the one but then i had dd2, the people I passed on all dd's clothes to had 4 girls and never once offered a thing back (not of my stuff I mean but in a God nocabbage practically clothed our two eldest maybe I'd have a few bits from our youngest as a nice gesture back type thing).

Did she reply to your text?

If anyone says anything again just say your holding on to them for future babies

Yes stealth I suppose we are all polite, most of us have good relationships with and socialise with each other so I suppose that helps.

So many people here are overlooking the fact that they asked you for the bloody clothes. I'm guessing the bil said, "cheers, that's great" or some such when the clothes were handed over which IMO is not saying a proper thank you.

Unless there is a real reason for their lack of manners so far then they have a lot to learn about manners. OP, they will learn the hard way because I very much doubt you will be donating any more clothes. When, down the line, that ask for the next size up just say you have decided to keep the stuff for any future DC you may have.

In future,mif you want any sign of appreciation of a gift make sure you hand it over in person even if it means they have to wait. I know this through hard experience. MN is full of saints who need no thanks for gifts and favours but I'm a selfish cow who thinks that it's nice to receive so form of thanks and a text is fine card even better.

I stopped passing gifts to be opened in my absence when my db breezily told me they didn't actually know what I had given their DC for Christmas because they had so much. How special that felt. .

Phe I get it. Being grateful for stuff uou didn't want in the first place is bad enough, and then you actually have the stuff and so can't buy more (well you can but if you're like me you then won't be able to justify it to yourself).

We've not had a lot of hand me downs as ours are the oldest in the family but we have had some from friends which were gratefully received. And when I do try to hand stuff down I try to make it clear I'm giving them first pick before I take them to the charity shop - it's not some huge wonderful gift. As I said before I am genuinely grateful to people who will take stuff off my hands. That sounds very lady bountiful but it is true, I have hoarding tendencies and actually throwing stuff out is difficult (thoufh I'm getting the hang of it recently)

It's all about perspective and how close the relations are. You parted with something that has a very high value to you to 'both' of them and hence you would have liked thanks from 'both' of them. Their casual attitude has hit a nerve with you so see where you are coming from.

If it was my own sister and we are casual about things, none of this would be an issue. But in-laws are more formal.

But they may have their own family dynamics on who thanks who and how many times and who does text/card/flowers/baby photos for proof in future. If it was my husband, he will miss out on any details while giving me the bag of clothes and will probably have his own version of what happened at your house

You did part with your baby clothes and that's understandable but don't give gifts with strings attached and definitely not something that you want back. What a burden it is for the recipient.