Handing down baby clothes but recipient ungrateful

[elizabennett1]

Hi ladies just having a bit of a vent I guess. I've recently packed up my four months old newborn, 0 to 1 month and 0 to 3 month baby clothes. It was mainly good stuff from next, marks and spencer, m and co, designers at debenhams, as well as some more worn baby grows etc from supermarkets. Some of it had never even been worn by my baby. It was quite hard to do this but I thought I would pass it on to my husbands brother and his partner who are having a baby as they said they wanted any hand me downs going and the clothes were so lovely I didn't want them going to waste.
I do want another child but not for a while so thought I won't hang onto it and she can always let me have some of it back after using it as so much stuff!
However I found it quite hard to hand it over but did so to my brother in law, bags and bags of stuff.
This was over a week ago and she has not been in touch at all to say thank you! I have a little girl and she is having a little girl so I thought she would be really grateful for so much stuff in nice clean condition! But no nothing not even a text!!
She can be a funny girl but if someone had done that for me when I was expecting I would have been super grateful! It's made me regret giving the stuff away now and I wish I'd hung onto it for my next one or one of my more grateful friends. The brother wasn't particularly grateful either but I thought men don't necessarily know how much clothes are etc !

Am I right to be miffed?

With my first child I was not that grateful. With my third I was begging for them
However, i would always say thank and use them somehow whatever.

And I've not said anything to anyone this is me moaning behind the scenes but have now just messaged saying if she doesn't want them not to worry just send them back x

I personally wouldn't give away baby clothes until I had definitely finished with them, there will be a 5 year gap between our DC and I knew there was a large gap between them, during the gap 2 of DPs sisters had babies and expected me to 'hand it down' so I lied and pretended I'd leant them all to a friend
I think once another child uses everything it's then third down and you may find they come back unusable. I also find it odd when people give 'hand me downs' then unexpectadly ask for them back after a couple of years, it's often hard to remember what was theirs also with lots of gifts when they are small. I would keep all your future baby clothes/bits.

Because the brother said was going to pass to the gf to pass through to see what she wanted

Hmmm. I've been on the recieving end of a "gift" not unlike this and would like to offer an ungrateful perspective. Having just moved house and being broke I too had said I'd be grateful for some baby bits.
My SIL brought round 6 binbags full of clothes..many very high end designer, about a third unworn..aged 0 to about 3 years.
What I discovered...
I had nowhere to put them..everywhere was swamped in baby clothes but I couldn't get rid of them either.
The unworn clothes were unworn because they were stupidly impractical.
Most of them where the wrong size for the season my child would have worn them..summer only fitting in winter.
She expected me to be grateful every time I saw her and was totally pissed I wasn't and baby spent time in sleepsuits rather than frilly unseasonal outfits which were the wrong colour for my child.
One of the reasons she needed gratitude was because she had spent such a ridiculous amount on baby clothes and passing them on "usefully" asuaged this guilt.
The gift was not nice , thoughtful, or practical at a time I could have done with support. But she genuinely thought she was doing me a favour.
So although I may be projecting...I'm also open to the idea this gift is not as nice for her as you think it is. And you seem to have resented giving it too. ! Lose lose

He should have said thank you to whoever handed the clothes over but that is all I would have expected.

From your posts you appear to think you've passed on some amazing clothes that she should be delighted to receive. However it looks like she thinks you've simply had a clear out, nothing more.

Why does it have to be a text though?
The thing is they may feel that there is too much there, they may be worried you will want it back (total nightmare BTW! How will they know what was yours in 6 months time?) or they may rather choose their own clothes for their baby.
I'm afraid it sounds more like you were overly attached to the clothes rather than they are particularly ungrateful.

He's probably driving around with them in the boot of his car and she's never seen them yet.

Nah, my husband never did this to me...stupid sod!

Most people don't really want others baby clothes. Old child's yes but they are rarely in excellent condition, or if you have a large family but first DC no. People like to choose their own and often get lots as gift when DC is born. I got quite fed up of my house being cluttered up with well-meaning hand-me-downs when I just wanted to choose my own things.

Is it also possible they said about wanting hand me downs to be polite and because they expected that's what they should say, or half joking?

But I agree that if he thanked your DH then no other thanks was needed really. It drives me nuts when DH doesn't thank his family properly for something because I feel I then need to do it - but I am the default 'thanker' for my own family and think he needs to do likewise as a way to share the responsibility! I am actually increasingly fed up with the assumption that it is the wife's job to thank everyone.

Rant over

If she had been the one to collect the clothes and had said thank you in person, would you be upset that BIL had not texted you to thank you again?

I'm sorry you're upset by the resounding chorus of YABU, but I hope you can see now how sexist your expectation was. It can be hard to face the AIBU board, but honestly there's no reason to feel your can't post again, it's not personal!

Oh sorry, this isn't AIBU!

Sorry if someone has said this already but you did wrote your initial(s) on the labels didn't you? I would also make sure next time you see them that it's clear you want them back eventually and if you didn't label then ask him or her to do it. If there's anything particularly sentimental then perhaps you could ask for it back. I was offered something I knew was sentimental and told them to hold onto it as I would be far too scared of ruining it! I'm due our first baby and so far I've been leant stuff by 3 people, and if they weren't already labelled then I labelled them straight away so I know who to return them to. One of them is adamant that she doesn't want any of it back even though she wants more kids so I've labelled it anyway and will offer it back once we're done, just in case. I also was very grateful when I was given everything but I did see them in person so it was easier. I expect next time you see them they'll say thank you in person.

Yep your bil took them for his child, it was up to him to say thank you.
If you'd been passing on stuff for her I'd agree with you

I don't give away things that I plan to use again in the future, and I don't expect gratitude when I give away things I don't plan to use again in the future.

YABU, from my perspective.

I think you regret handing these clothes over and are making slightly more if the issue than needed. However, kicking yourself after its di ecwint help and you have sent a text to see if they are wanted, so maybe you'll get some back. Or say you realised you gave some clothes which you were supposed to keep and want them back, blame nappy brain!

yanbu could you text her and ask if she had been given the clothes prompting a response and will she make use of them? Make a joke of it.

if she doesn't then to let you know and pass them back

Why do you need thanked. If it was a truly altruistic thing then you don't need a thank you.

I don't give things to receive a thank you. I give to give.

Maybe just smile. Accept you did a nice thing.

The polite thing to do would of been to send you a quick thank you text.

sometimes what's bad about your sil leaving a note with the clothes saying no thank you? I would have done the same as I like choosing my dc's clothes.

art where are they going to put it all baby clothes can go in drawers or a wardrobe just the same as adults stuff.

I had something similar when hubbies BF was having a girl but we were told we could do a swap as I was having a boy and they were having a girl. I turned up with bags and bags of beautiful girls clothes from 0-12m and the wife said "so sorry but Rob got confused as I have given all our boys clothes to my SIL". I was fuming as they had had a month to tell me this was the case and she then proceeded to sell all "her" girls clothes at an NCT a year later!!!!!

I don't think you should have parted with the clothes. You are emotionally attached to them and they represent some very, very precious memories to you.

To other people though it's a bag of clothes and second hand ones at that. Sorry. It's very hard, esp if you don't have any children yet, to feel any huge gratitude for the clothes, as you think that the giver's child has grown out of them so they are passing them on to you so they don't have them cluttering up their house.

Also, the fact that they are on loan makes the clothes even less appealing. Personally speaking I really, really disliked that arrangement.

My husband received hand me down clothes from people he knew. I was grateful for them but I didn't text anyone thanks. I assumed my husband had thanked them for the clothes for our child-to-be. They weren't a present for me! My husband didn't text thanks to people I received hand me downs from either.

When it came to giving our stuff away I kept all the clothes that gave me that 'special' pang when I looked at them (especially a white hand knitted cardi - ahhhh) and gave away the rest. It was several years before I got rid of all the special newborn stuff though - I needed to give myself time!

I still pass all of our clothes on (mostly highly resaleable stuff) to people. If I get a simple 'thanks' when I pass over the bag that's plenty, plenty enough. There is an art to giving as well as receiving you know.

I agree with you OP. I think it's really rude to ask for hand me downs and then not to even send a quick two second text to say thank you. I certainly would if dh came back from his sister with loads of things for free!
A friend of mine often passes on clothes to my DD from her DD and even if DH goes and collects them, I still send a text saying thank you and DD loves them etc. That's just basic manners isn't it?