Handing down baby clothes but recipient ungrateful

[elizabennett1]

Hi ladies just having a bit of a vent I guess. I've recently packed up my four months old newborn, 0 to 1 month and 0 to 3 month baby clothes. It was mainly good stuff from next, marks and spencer, m and co, designers at debenhams, as well as some more worn baby grows etc from supermarkets. Some of it had never even been worn by my baby. It was quite hard to do this but I thought I would pass it on to my husbands brother and his partner who are having a baby as they said they wanted any hand me downs going and the clothes were so lovely I didn't want them going to waste.
I do want another child but not for a while so thought I won't hang onto it and she can always let me have some of it back after using it as so much stuff!
However I found it quite hard to hand it over but did so to my brother in law, bags and bags of stuff.
This was over a week ago and she has not been in touch at all to say thank you! I have a little girl and she is having a little girl so I thought she would be really grateful for so much stuff in nice clean condition! But no nothing not even a text!!
She can be a funny girl but if someone had done that for me when I was expecting I would have been super grateful! It's made me regret giving the stuff away now and I wish I'd hung onto it for my next one or one of my more grateful friends. The brother wasn't particularly grateful either but I thought men don't necessarily know how much clothes are etc !

Am I right to be miffed?

Just didn't expect such harsh responses. I do know her and if you read my follow on posts you will see they came round and asked for any hand me downs (which did include clothes) prior to me sending them over. But no you are right lessons learned on handing down clothes which I am attached to. I think it's my first baby that I tried for for a long time and I didn't expect a kind gesture to go Unthanked that's all .

And no not super grateful just a quick text but clearly I should not expect this!

Some people see it as saving themselves loads of money rather than seeing it as a lovely gesture from someone who has a genuine attachment to the items. Either way, they BOTH should have thanked you. Even if BIL thanked you, SIL should have got in touch to say thanks and to ask what she should do with the items she doesn't need/once she has finished with them. Some people are just ungrateful and rude.

I'd text her and ask her to pass back the things she doesn't need and the items that are still in good condition once she's finished with them. Seriously, don't be kind and pass on your things to people like this, there are far more worthy causes you could pass things on to. I passed on a lot of DS's things to a couple who were so grabby, they bragged to everyone about how they didn't need to spend any money now because Pans had given them all her stuff for free, and not in a grateful way as it came across as rude to all of our friends. They did pass a few items back but all of the big things were 'broken' so they had to get rid of them. I'm not sure how a high hair breaks after a few weeks but I suspect that Facebook selling pages were involved.

I'll never pass our baby items on to friends/family again.

I would have sent a text had I been in her shoes but if the BIL thanked you, surely that's all the thanks you need? It's obvious your baby's clothes have emotional meaning for you so you wanted an effusive thank you to make it easier for you to part with them. I can userstand that but they don't have children yet so they won't!

You are under no obligation to give them stuff, and if things are difficult for you to give away don't bother again.

But the gesture DIDNT go unthanked? You gave them to BIL and said he said thank you?

If someone gives your DH things when you're not there do you also text and say thank you? I'm imagining him coming home at night saying "John gave me a piece of his chewing gum today, Mandy gave us these planting tubs to put in the garden, and Simon gave me a slice of his birthday cake" and then texting all these people!

If someone gives something to your husband and he says thank you I just can't imagine a spouse feeling the need to also get involved and text as well. The person has been thanked!

Yeh I wasn't full on to them though I'm feeling full on behind the scenes. He said he would pass them onto his partner and if she didn't want anything should he take it to a charity shop and I said no I will have it back and give it to one of my friends or keep for next baby but I thought she wanted them from what she'd said of her own accord previously!

Did you tell them you want them back? I find it very annoying being "given" hand me downs by people who want them back. I daren't use the as they might get damaged / I wont remember which came from where. So end up feeling like a free storage service.

Did you ask if they wanted it? It sounds like they didn't tbh. Not everyone likes their children to wear hand me down clothes.

So he didn't really thank me or use the words thank you he did say thank you for the Moses basket which again he had asked for. Just thought some kind of thank you text would have been nice but clearly people have different ideas about this sort of thing and she may have thought he had said thank you even though he'd sort of left it to her

"If someone gives something to your husband and he says thank you I just can't imagine a spouse feeling the need to also get involved and text as well. The person has been thanked!"

Exactly that!

Some people (see all the post-Christmas thank you letter threads) really don't see the need to send written thanks if they've spoken to the person.

You gave hand-me-downs to your BIL. He thanked you on the spot.

The present is not for an actual girl, the as-yet-unborn one. Not the 'girl' his pregnant partner. There is no reason why she needs to chip in, as the other parent has thanked you.

Mismatch of manners is often thorny between in-laws.

But as the only person you are really have a complaint against is your BIL for his insufficiency, i would suggest asking your DH (as the blood relation) to sort this out. Warning: complaining to one sibling about the manners of the other can be high risk. But if it matters, then it matters.

I would be annoyed as well OP.

I'm often given hand me downs by a family friend. The way she dresses her child is not the way I dress mine and most of it goes to the charity shop but I always say thank you and am grateful she thinks of me! Even if she just leaves the stuff at my mums I will send her a text to thank her.

Tbf she might have been grateful. She just hasn't personally thanked you. It's making me think of all the people who gave me things via my mother that I did actually use but maybe didn't directly thank. I certainly didn't buy a gift to show my appreciation. I just thought they were having a clear out and were glad to be rid it all.

I was given quite a lot of clothes by my dsis friend when dd was small. I was very grateful and said thank you and sent a little card and a teddy for the little girl.

I pass a lot of ds's stuff on to someone I have never met. She always sends me a fb message (she added me as a friend specifically to thank me) and tagged me a couple of weeks in a photo of her ds wearing a jacket I had passed on with another 'thanks so much bim' message.

It's normal to expect thanks for something so nice. Just send a message saying 'hope the clothes are ok. If not feel free to return, I won't be offended' type message.

Then save everything else for your next baby.

Well won't do it again lesson learned thanks

Have sent that sort of message now bim and bam so if she's sat there thinking she doesn't want all these ruddy clothes she can send them back lol x

I think if she doesn't know you that well she may not reply. Or may not have had time.

My DBs SIL we are quite close to I've included her on Christmas cards etc as we're quite close and small family there, but she has lots of aunts, cousins etc on her DM's side whereas we all do not (SIL family and DB family).

I for example always sent thank you cards after Christmas and birthdays SIL family don't but DBs SIL sends emails and texts and sent me one last week after I'd popped some non expensive earrings and card in post for her birthday totally last minute.

I think the BIL in question has thanked you for Moses basket and maybe she feels awkward about thanking you for or returning clothes she doesn't like/want.

I do also feel as pherque says maybe she feels she's a bit of a charity case re the clothes but due to finances and your kind offer doesn't feel like she can't refuse. This can make some people feel very awkward and backwards in coming forwards to say thank you. You also don't know if she's having an especially hard time in pregnancy and sending texts is last thing on her mind. Cut her some slack.

I'd maybe offer to meet her for coffee sometime maybe meet her shopping (so she can show you what she plans to buy or whatever and then she can say thank you rather than you wait for a text or email!

"if she's sat there thinking she doesn't want all these ruddy clothes she can send them back "

Has she actually received them? You didn't give them to her, but to her partner. And they are not for her, but for a baby that has not been born yet.

She might know nothing at all. I haven't spotted an answer to the question above as to whether the pregnant girl she till lives with her parents. Because if she does, then it's quite likely that she hasn't seen them yet.

No wouldn't expect a present but a text message ?