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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened to me

116 replies

Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 18:09

Well after giving lots of advice on here I have discovered today that that man I have known for 30 years doesn't exist

It turns out he has sex with men, it turns out he hasn't been to work for a Long time and instead goes to hotels for sex, it turns out he takes crystal meth

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 26/02/2016 19:44

This will go round and round in your head for a long time.
Give yourself time.
Don't try to rush yourself.
Take it one day at a time.
Your DS will be ok, as long as you keep the ship steady. You can do that for him. Do you have one child?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/02/2016 19:44

I don't want to speak to him, how can you rationalize spending your days meeting men from random websites

He can't excuse or justify it, but at some point you may find you need to know the gory truth. Not everyone does, but I did and I know others have too.

Original poster
Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 19:46

Yes just the one

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 26/02/2016 19:46

That is one fuck of a triple whammy, Christina, and you must be sick to your stomach at the thought of what you've been married to.

I don't want to add to your misery but, for peace of a mind about your sexual health, you will need to visit a GUM clinic if you haven't done so already.

Were you able to print out, or take screenshots of, the conversation?

Wine There's plenty more where that came from and there'll be no shortage of support for you here at any hour of the day or night.

Original poster
Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 19:47

Yes I have printed out as many as I could

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 26/02/2016 19:48

Nothing new to add but you need to take care of yourself and get yourself checked out.

Babymouse · 26/02/2016 19:49

Don't blame yourself. Often you can spot these things until you have them pointed out to you. A lot of behavior can be explained away until it can't.

I speak from experience of someone close to me who was addicted to drugs, it was only when I knew of it that I saw all the signs of it in things that had happened previously.

Flowers
abbsismyhero · 26/02/2016 19:50

get your evidence put it safe

get yourself checked out in the clinic

fucking hell what a shock

RosyCat · 26/02/2016 19:52

Brew Flowers

Superwitchy · 26/02/2016 19:53

I'm sorry Christina that you have to go through this. I had similar with ex-h, but with women, when I was preg with our 4th child. 21 years ago now, but I can remember the shock which is why I have to post even though I don't know you. PP about concentrating on your son, and safeguarding your finances are priorities, and they will get you through this. I feel sick with shock, for you Flowers

Original poster
Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 19:54

I feel as if I have been kicked all over

OP posts:
RosyCat · 26/02/2016 20:01

Would you like me to run you a warm bath lovie? It might help with the bruised feeling.

ExplodingCarrots · 26/02/2016 20:06

So sorry Christina Thanks

Keep posting , there are many lovely posters here to keep you company and give you lots of support x

Superwitchy · 26/02/2016 20:22

Do you think he wanted you to find out? As things may have been building up, with him now not going to work at all, etc

Original poster
Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 20:24

I don't know, perhaps

I have known him since we were 12 years old, we were neighbours

OP posts:
Openmindedmonkey · 26/02/2016 20:36

My heart goes out to you.
You're in the thoughts & prayers of so many MNers.
Keep strong
Flowers

Superwitchy · 26/02/2016 20:38

You will be ok, and so will your son, you just have to get through this next part

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2016 20:44

Jesus Christ almighty!

You think you've read it all on here don't you? But bloody hell this is absolutely appalling, you poor thing. How the hell could he do this to you and your child? I truly don't know what to say

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2016 20:45

Jesus Christ almighty!

You think you've read it all on here don't you? But bloody hell this is absolutely appalling, you poor thing. How the hell could he do this to you and your child? I truly don't know what to say

Original poster
Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 20:54

I don't know, I adore ds and I can't understand whyhe could cause him so much pain. We have so many things coming up that ds was looking forward too and they are going to be sore reminders

OP posts:
Superwitchy · 26/02/2016 21:15

You're thinking of ds and your heart is breaking, so I wouldn't want to hurt you, but I don't think your h was thinking of any of you when he was doing what he was doing. He was only thinking of his own needs. You'll see that clearly in a few years, but for now I know it seems impossible. So sorry

Original poster
Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/02/2016 21:20

I know now that he doesn't love us

OP posts:
TheSnowFairy · 26/02/2016 21:31

Flowers for you.

goddessofsmallthings · 26/02/2016 21:31

After a discovery of this sordid magnitude, the only way you wouldn't feel "kicked all over" is if you didn't have a pulse.

'Gutted' doesn't even begin to describe the mule kick of shock you must have felt on reading those words and realising that you weren't hallucinating. What may have felt like a bad dream, with you pinching yourself to make sure you were awake, became a living nightmare as the sheer scale of the deceptions began to sink in.

All of those years. All of those beliefs. All of that trust. Trashed. Utterly, completely, irreparably, torn asunder. And made infinitely worse by the thought that you may never have known if fate? an act of god? banal idle curiousity? hadn't led you to look at that ipad at that particular moment.

You'll never get the answers you so desperately want and need and it will hurt like hell but, one day, one hour, or one minute at a time, you WILL get through this horrendous ordeal.

Superwitchy · 26/02/2016 21:35

Well, he might still, but he's obviously been living a lie. Tbh I'm not thinking of him, it's you and your ds that are important