Really struggling with DH and new DD

[clearinghouse]

I've been writing this post in my head all night and I think I just need to get it out there. I don't know what I'm looking for but hopefully not just cries of LTB because it's honestly not that simple.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 2. Not always the easiest relationship but I love him dearly. We've bickered in the past but nothing serious, no abuse, no infidelity. Generally happy.

TTC for a while and then DD came along. She's 3 weeks old now. Throughout my pregnancy he was so excited and full of promises to help, be hands on etc. That hasn't happened though. I'm exhausted as I'm doing all night feeds and he went back to work the day after she was born. He works 7 days most weeks and I rarely see him.

Wednesday night I was cracking up. So tired, haven't had more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep in 3 weeks. I have no family to help and in laws aren't helpful. They see DD as a trophy for their family and won't help me at all. They say she looks nothing like me and like she isn't mine. I sat in tears and DH agreed to watch her so I could sleep for an hour.

It helped and I made it through the night. Yesterday evening DH came home and after he'd eaten (still expects me to cook) I asked him to do the same. He refused. He said he doesn't want to get into a routine where he has to have her every night, I'm her mom, it's my job, I wanted a baby. Told me to pull myself together and deal with it.

I tried to explain why he should want to watch her. Tried to explain how tired I am. He didn't care. Just cares about having time to himself. So I took DD up to feed her and he angrily followed and took over from me. Told me I'm a bad mother and I can't get her to sleep. Told me to get out of her room. He said his family have no respect for me and they want to take DD away from me.

DD is fed, warm, safe and happy. I cuddle her all day and play with her, we walk in the fresh air and her HV is very happy with things. I don't know why he says I'm not doing well.

I get that I'm rambling here, sorry. Last night I went to lie down for an hour before he came in and told me he was going to bed. Sat up all night in tears again trying to settle DD. Told DH I'm not happy with him and he told me to fuck off. There's no affection there.

So how can I make him see that we're meant to be doing this together? I can't afford to leave and it's his house. I'm not on the mortgage or the deeds. I have debt, wouldn't get a mortgage myself. No savings and I'm skipping meals to make sure DD has everything she needs. DH is a high earner.

I'm just so lonely right now. I feel like everything is against me.

Your relationship has been abusive and controlling for a lot longer than the 3 weeks since the baby was born hasn't it

If your married you do have a right to a share of the family home, whether on deeds or not. Agree a baby is unlikely to suddenly trigger this, it simply might be you have more time and instinct to notice his behaviour. Do go to gp and confide in him/her and your HV. Are you claiming child benefit? You need to find a way of eating regularly even if it is only soup and sandwiches and fruit/yoghurt. You becoming unwell through hunger is the last think your baby needs. Also find local baby groups to go to , maybe there is a children's centre nearby. Getting out of the house will give you fresh air and better perspective.

How are you doing today OP? I hope you get the help you deserve

You simply need support with a new born. Every woman who has ever had a baby needs it. From your own family, your partner and his family. He is not going to give it to you. Neither is his family. So the only thing you can do is go to your parents.

Now, he won't like that so you are going to need to pack up and go before you tell him you are doing it. Get to your mums first. Don't worry about him, you absolutely need to look after yourself and thus the baby.

I really cannot emphasise enough that this is not your fault. You have been let down and he's rubbed your face in it.

I agree with everyone else. You are recovering from the birth, getting to know your new baby, needing to rest and focus on your little one. If he won't give you the practical help you need then you need to go somewhere else to give it to you (and even if your mum hasn't been that well you can still support each other - she can hold your baby whilst you do jobs, you can share sorting out food, etc).

You cannot do it all - that way depression and losing it further lies.

You are married and you have a baby to support. Legally you have entitlements to a good portion of the assets of your marriage on divorce.

Good luck xx

Wow OP, what an arse. I am in a similar position. 'd'h has been useless. Ds is 7mo and husband has changed one nappy . I ebf so no bottles but he has never once had Ds so i can sleep. He feeds 5-6 times a night. I do all cooking cleaning shopping etc. I have very nearly ltb on several occasions but have to say even in all his fucking uselessness he has NEVER said things like that to me. I am so sorry. I would just go to your mums for a bit. You are NOT a bad mum.

I agree with him. you need to get your act together and deal with it... him being the it and the dealing being kicking his arse out if he is being abusive.

oh dear lovely, you need to look after yourself. difficult at the moment while you are with the arse and your wonderful newborn. start to get your ducks in a row.

If you are still reading op......my husband got a big shock when i eventually put my foot down. He is doing a bit more about the place, not a lot to be honest but i can stress about it. The big change is that i feel in control now. And he knows it. I really think you should go to your mum. The balance in your marriage needs addressing if it is to continue.