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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really struggling with DH and new DD

108 replies

clearinghouse · 26/02/2016 10:15

I've been writing this post in my head all night and I think I just need to get it out there. I don't know what I'm looking for but hopefully not just cries of LTB because it's honestly not that simple.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 2. Not always the easiest relationship but I love him dearly. We've bickered in the past but nothing serious, no abuse, no infidelity. Generally happy.

TTC for a while and then DD came along. She's 3 weeks old now. Throughout my pregnancy he was so excited and full of promises to help, be hands on etc. That hasn't happened though. I'm exhausted as I'm doing all night feeds and he went back to work the day after she was born. He works 7 days most weeks and I rarely see him.

Wednesday night I was cracking up. So tired, haven't had more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep in 3 weeks. I have no family to help and in laws aren't helpful. They see DD as a trophy for their family and won't help me at all. They say she looks nothing like me and like she isn't mine. I sat in tears and DH agreed to watch her so I could sleep for an hour.

It helped and I made it through the night. Yesterday evening DH came home and after he'd eaten (still expects me to cook) I asked him to do the same. He refused. He said he doesn't want to get into a routine where he has to have her every night, I'm her mom, it's my job, I wanted a baby. Told me to pull myself together and deal with it.

I tried to explain why he should want to watch her. Tried to explain how tired I am. He didn't care. Just cares about having time to himself. So I took DD up to feed her and he angrily followed and took over from me. Told me I'm a bad mother and I can't get her to sleep. Told me to get out of her room. He said his family have no respect for me and they want to take DD away from me.

DD is fed, warm, safe and happy. I cuddle her all day and play with her, we walk in the fresh air and her HV is very happy with things. I don't know why he says I'm not doing well.

I get that I'm rambling here, sorry. Last night I went to lie down for an hour before he came in and told me he was going to bed. Sat up all night in tears again trying to settle DD. Told DH I'm not happy with him and he told me to fuck off. There's no affection there.

So how can I make him see that we're meant to be doing this together? I can't afford to leave and it's his house. I'm not on the mortgage or the deeds. I have debt, wouldn't get a mortgage myself. No savings and I'm skipping meals to make sure DD has everything she needs. DH is a high earner.

I'm just so lonely right now. I feel like everything is against me.

OP posts:

MogLikesEggs · 26/02/2016 11:24

i also agree that the longer you stay, you'll never get anymore financially better off when with him - he's a blood sucker. So even if looked at in a coldly financial light, you're better off getting away from him now. You do sound like an excellent mum - and it's more peaceful to get away from someone putting you down when the help comes with a lot of aggressive manipulation.

Original poster

clearinghouse · 26/02/2016 11:25

Thank you all. My friends fell away over the last few years but I called one a few minutes ago. She's going to drive over and sit with me while I work all this out.

DH sending me messages telling me he loves me.

I'm not American, mom is just a strange local dialect thing!

Skipping meals because I simply don't have the spare cash once bills have been paid. No joint account so the only money I have access to is my own.

When my friend gets here I'm going to see if I can get hold of my mom. Then I'll take it from there.

OP posts:

Secretlove · 26/02/2016 11:25

I agree that you need to tell your health visitor and gp that you're struggling due to his behaviour. Just to pre-empt things if he does carry out his threats to report you. I would like to say he wouldn't but my exh reported me to social services several times out of spite.

I can't get my head round how you were a happy and close couple until three weeks ago. We all know the pressures of a baby in the early weeks but even so, his behaviour is disgusting. Btw my ex also said, you're the mother, it's your job and tried to get out of doing a single thing. I was shocked at this attitude but on the other hand he had always been lazy and selfish and he wasn't prepared to change.

I would also go away as soon as you can. I don't see how you can go on otherwise.

Secretlove · 26/02/2016 11:26

Is he aware that you are skipping meals? What does he say to that?

Quietwhenreading · 26/02/2016 11:30

Well done, Clearing that's an excellent and positive move.

Lockheart · 26/02/2016 11:31

So glad to hear you have a friend coming to talk it over with, and that you're going to try and phone your mom. There are people in this world who REALLY love you (not those who send texts saying it and then are quite happy to watch you go without food) and they would be heartbroken to know how you are being treated.

LilaTheTiger · 26/02/2016 11:32

If the "woman's aid" "solicitor" advice seems too much phone your health visitor. He or she is there free you and have seen this all before. They have specific training in it.

If it's too much to tell her with words shoe them your post.

I'm so sorry you are being so badly abused

fuzzywuzzy · 26/02/2016 11:32

Stop paying bills.

You don't have the money and you're on maternity leave.

Start saving your money, you're going to need it.

Find a solicitor who will take you on with legal aid, you qualify for legal aid.

Why did your friends fall away? Did your husband disapprove of them? Find reasons why you shouldn't see them, take a dislike to them?

Original poster

clearinghouse · 26/02/2016 11:32

He knows I don't always eat. He's not bothered I don't think.

He works 7 days because he's in high pressure sales and very competitive. His colleagues don't seem to be his biggest fan because he is so very determined to sell.

OP posts:

Original poster

clearinghouse · 26/02/2016 11:34

He doesn't like my friends and didn't like me seeing them but I still did. They fell away when I was pregnant - none of them have children.

OP posts:

LoveBoursin · 26/02/2016 11:38

Agree stop paying the bills. Your priority is for yourself and your dd to eat!! The rest can wait or rather he can pay for that!

Go and have a word with your HV and/or GP and tell them that you can't eat at every meal because your DH doesn't give you the money for it. You might need some sort of record about it.

And YY, well done for ringing a friend!! :)

LoveBoursin · 26/02/2016 11:38

Or maybe his colleagues don't like him because he is behaving in a similar fashion with them...

LastOneDancing · 26/02/2016 11:42

I think you're doing an amazing job OP - you're giving your new baby everything despite your awful circumstances.

I know you don't want to hear LTB, but at the moment he's actually making things SO much harder and being incredibly cruel.

His behaviour is not fair, is not normal and it sounds abusive. At the very least, please contact Women's Aid to talk and get your head around what is happening.

MogLikesEggs · 26/02/2016 11:43

Any man that knows his wife isn't eating and doesn't care is total scum. I'm glad you've got a friend coming round - you'll be better off on every dimension being away from him, and so will your baby be. I can't imagine any decent partner standing for their family saying to their partner that it was like the baby 'wasn't theirs', they sound like an abusive pack of imbeciles too. I do agree you tell your HV now what's going on as he's obviously got a very nasty side.

Reubix · 26/02/2016 11:44

I haven't read all the messages on here but your post is just so sad. I have a baby daughter and yes, those first few weeks are hard, but it is also the most special time. I can see how you feel you can't ltb, when your lo is so tiny and you're financially dependent. But you need to know you're in the right here and he's in the wrong.

For what it's worth, I would hand the baby over to my husband as often as I could so I could get some sleep. I would be up with her all night so I saw it as his job to help in the evening so I could sleep. He chipped in with the housework and did all the cooking.

These first six weeks are the hardest. After that it all becomes easier, until the magical six month mark when you find you can do it all without thinking. But there are going to be other times in your life when you are going to need someone to lean on and it sounds to me like he just isn't up to the job. Get through this, and don't be frightened to tell him he's being a dick. He is.

ppandj · 26/02/2016 11:45

OP I'm so glad you're getting some support in real life. I agree you absolutely need to speak to your health visitor and seek some advice from women's aid if you can. What he is doing is not fair and not right. You deserve more support from him and his family. Please know that day or night if you need someone to talk to that you can do so here.

dabchick88 · 26/02/2016 11:46

Great news about your friend coming Clearing! Well done for phoning, please don't ever feel bad to be completely honest with her about your situation. As Lockheart said some people really love you and will care and want to help even if its difficult. I would do anything I could for a friend in your situation.

PhoenixReisling · 26/02/2016 11:47

I'm pleased to read that you have told a friend and they are coming over. That's the first step; the next being telling the GP,HV etc.

Both you and your daughter are being abused. Yes, your daughter is too.

Both him and his family are vile and this behaviour will ramp up. You need to leave.

PhoenixReisling · 26/02/2016 11:49

Let your friend read this thread!

AskingForAPal · 26/02/2016 11:53

That's great that you've managed to call for help.

pablothepenguin · 26/02/2016 11:53

OP, so sorry you are having such an awful time. You've had lots of good advice. Well done for calling a friend.

I just wanted to chip in re the sleep. My youngest has been a terrible sleeper. At a couple of weeks I gave up and co slept with him. It was fantastic. I had been far too worried to do it with my first baby but second time round I figured it was better than the terrible exhaustion. There's lots of advice online about how to do it safely.

I hope you get the help you need.

Grumpyoldblonde · 26/02/2016 11:54

Those texts mean nothing - I am sorry , he does not love you, he wouldn't act this way of he did, it is designed to keep you onside.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2016 12:20

"He doesn't like my friends and didn't like me seeing them but I still did"

Am glad you have continued to see your friends.

That's another red flag amongst many here right there re him though. He has really wanted to control your every move and thought, its because he sees you as a possession and not a human being. As for his text messages professing love well they are just words designed to keep you in check. It is also part of the nice/nasty cycle these men do. Look at his actions OP, they speak far louder.

Am also glad to read that your friend is coming over. I hope she will tell you similar as to what has been written here.

QuiteLikely5 · 26/02/2016 13:03

I'd be very surprised if this man has only turned nasty in the last three weeks.

I truly hope you find the courage to get away from him if you don't manage it don't give up getting support from MN.

You could certainly look on the baby boards for advice on settling your dd.

You can also search for mother and toddler groups in your area.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/02/2016 13:13

Be careful. Could he be reason this? Or does he randomly send you texts saying he loves you?

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