Really struggling with DH and new DD

[clearinghouse]

I've been writing this post in my head all night and I think I just need to get it out there. I don't know what I'm looking for but hopefully not just cries of LTB because it's honestly not that simple.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 2. Not always the easiest relationship but I love him dearly. We've bickered in the past but nothing serious, no abuse, no infidelity. Generally happy.

TTC for a while and then DD came along. She's 3 weeks old now. Throughout my pregnancy he was so excited and full of promises to help, be hands on etc. That hasn't happened though. I'm exhausted as I'm doing all night feeds and he went back to work the day after she was born. He works 7 days most weeks and I rarely see him.

Wednesday night I was cracking up. So tired, haven't had more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep in 3 weeks. I have no family to help and in laws aren't helpful. They see DD as a trophy for their family and won't help me at all. They say she looks nothing like me and like she isn't mine. I sat in tears and DH agreed to watch her so I could sleep for an hour.

It helped and I made it through the night. Yesterday evening DH came home and after he'd eaten (still expects me to cook) I asked him to do the same. He refused. He said he doesn't want to get into a routine where he has to have her every night, I'm her mom, it's my job, I wanted a baby. Told me to pull myself together and deal with it.

I tried to explain why he should want to watch her. Tried to explain how tired I am. He didn't care. Just cares about having time to himself. So I took DD up to feed her and he angrily followed and took over from me. Told me I'm a bad mother and I can't get her to sleep. Told me to get out of her room. He said his family have no respect for me and they want to take DD away from me.

DD is fed, warm, safe and happy. I cuddle her all day and play with her, we walk in the fresh air and her HV is very happy with things. I don't know why he says I'm not doing well.

I get that I'm rambling here, sorry. Last night I went to lie down for an hour before he came in and told me he was going to bed. Sat up all night in tears again trying to settle DD. Told DH I'm not happy with him and he told me to fuck off. There's no affection there.

So how can I make him see that we're meant to be doing this together? I can't afford to leave and it's his house. I'm not on the mortgage or the deeds. I have debt, wouldn't get a mortgage myself. No savings and I'm skipping meals to make sure DD has everything she needs. DH is a high earner.

I'm just so lonely right now. I feel like everything is against me.

"I ask him for money or for something DD needs he'll find some way not to help. Tells me she doesn't need it and I have to buy things myself. She's not going without though! She's fed and has everything she needs. My wages go on her and bills so I have nothing to spare for myself".

All the above is a clear indicator of you being financially abused by him. He is denying you access to what he really sees as "his" cash. You are feeding and clothing her at your expense and its got to the point now where you are skipping meals. This is an intolerable situation.

Abusers like this man have always been abusive; the "nice" act he put on for you before now was just that - an act. Many such men ramp up the already present power and control antes even further once the child is born because they know that in their eyes the woman is further "trapped".

Please don't let him hold the threat of calling social services over you. You are doing nothing wrong, it's an empty threat meant to control you and I speak with certainty when I say that social services will NOT be interested.
Please consider the option of going to stay with your mum for a few days to give yourself some breathing space.

He is financially and verbally and emotionally abusive.

You're married and have a child so it doesn't matter that you're not on the house deeds, it would still be seen as an asset to of the marriage.

I know you said you don't want ltb comments - but you've asked for reasonable support from your husband and the father of your tiny baby and been told to fuck off. I don't think there is any other option tbh.

He has also told you that his family are bonkers and only saw you as a womb.

Go to your mums- get your ducks in a row and get away from this horror of a man.

Also what exactly is he going to tell ss, hello my wife has gone to visit her mother with our newborn...

Really?

And SS would be interested in that, why?

This is awful. I feel so so so awful for you.
I split with my stbxh when my oldest was 2 and my twins were 2 months old. There is far more that needs to be addressed here long term but to start with, a few practical suggestions that may be useful:
I spoke to my health visitor who arranged a referral with a company called Homestart. They are a team of volunteers who come to help parents who need a little extra support, generally for a couple of hours a week. They will help out with the baby if you need a bit of sleep, or chance to eat, or do some housework. It's been a massive help for me.
In your OP you said you're skipping meals so you can meet your daughters needs. Is this in the financial sense? Or, as I read it, you don't have time to eat as you're caring for her all of the time?
I know a lot of people with babies that don't like to be put down. They use a baby carrier/sling while they are preparing 'one hand meals' such as a soup in a mug, or a sandwich. If you're not eating the exhaustion will feel even worse. Please make sure you eat.

Go to your GP and tell them what is happening so there is a record. I also agree with pp that there is no way social services will be remotely interested, it is a typical intimidation tactic used by abusive men.

He sounds awful, and what a rubbish situation your in.

Sounds like financial and emotional abuse to me.

I'm shocked that he thinks that this is an okay way to treat you, it's awful. Please get some support from somewhere, do they have homestart in your area?

A few ideas for you.

• Go and see your GP and check that you aren't suffereing from PND. The tiredness migjht be exhaustion from no sleep. It can be from been worn down by his attitude. Or it can be something else. Worth checking first.
• Try and eat as regularly as you can. What has worked for me is to bulk cook (not much more effort than doing a single meal), freeze the portions so I have something for lunch I just put in the microwave or in the oven. Use it for the evening too so no one has to cook as such.
• Tell him you are going to go and see your mum (if it's possible) for a week or two as you really want to see her/she hasn't had the opportunity to see your dd that much/whatever excuse you can find. This will give you a bit of break and will help you sort your ideas out.
• Start to get angry! It isn't acceptable to make promises and then not to follow them through. It isn't acceptable to insult someone, let alone your DW and the mum of your newborn child.
• Don't listen to his threats. Really? Ringing SS because you have gone to your mum for a night or two? Saying that he will be happy to make false allegations about you re caring for your dd? Hmmm, SS will see through that wo any problem.
• Put some money aside for you. As you are married, do you have a joint account? How are the finances managed? Just any way, even little to put some money aside for you.
• Last thing, have you talked about all that to someone in RL? I think that's time to do that. You need some support in RL. Be it a friend yoou can talk to, someone who could look after your dd for an hour so you can sleep etc...

I'm telling you now the reason he is being such an arse is because he hasn't got a single clue how hard it is. How could he, he's never there?!

Does he need to work 7 days a week? Was he not entitled to at least a week of leave? Stop cooking for him, don't ask, tell him that you're exhausted and you're going to sleep while he watches her. If he protests then you ask him if he's ever survived on however many hours of sleep you're on at the moment, if the answers no then how could he possibly know what you're going through?

You sound like an amazing mum, don't ever doubt that.
Your husband is abusive, financially and emotionally. You really need to take the good advice on here and contact women's aid, woyld you want your dd to grow up and be treated this way by a man?
My DH wasn't perfect but he cherished me and our DD when she was tiny, he did everything in his power for me to get sleep, for us all to get what we needed, to be a normal dad.
Your DH isn't normal, he is abusing you. I'm so sorry OP but he only demonstrates resentment towards you and your dd.

He honestly sounds abusive OP, he hasn't changed, the situation has which has brought this behaviour out of him. You don't have to put up with it though.

Others have given great practical advice.

It must be so hard to take in, but try to see through the fear you must be feeling about what you will need to do to get past this, and believe those who are saying that it sounds like a very abusive DH.

All I can say is that your DD sounds very loved by you, and that (along with milk) is all that she needs right now. She has a wonderful mother.

He is not going to call Social Services if you visit your Mum.

Worse case scenario- he calls them. They visit and see a healthy well cared for baby whose Mum has gone to visit the child's grandmother because he DH wouldn't help with the baby or give her money for food. No one is going to take your baby in those circumstances or do anything other than judge your husband for being a delinquent husband and father.

His family cannot take your baby away. You do have power here.

What would it do for his reputation for his friends, colleagues etc to know that he wouldn't give his wife money for food.

Go visit your Mum.

I'm loathe to say ltb unless I think it's essential and in your case I do.

No sleep, no support, no money and no food. Imagine your dd coming to you in 30 years saying this is how she's being treated?

Go to women's aid. Get a place in a refuge (which are mostly large houses with lots of mums and kids with your own room and support on tap). Get in a claim for tax credits, cb and cms and start making a life for two.

I'm at home all day every day with two kids at school. My dp wouldn't dream of coming in and demanding dinner like that. If it's done, good, if it's then we do it together. There are nice men out there, normal men. Not like your excuse of a man who is basically a bully.

OP, that's not normal. The fact that you don't see that he keeps his finances seperate from not just you, his WIFE ffs, but makes you pay for your child as if she's not his is very, very odd behaviour. I'm genuinely confused as to why you can't see how this is a form of financial abuse. Please speak to Women's Aid, you should NOT be having to skip meals to feed and clothe her!! WTF?!

Everything that has already been said is true. He is emotionally and financially abusive. His family are no support to you and are making things worse. They are no doubt encouraging his abusiveness too.

Let him phone SS - they will see straight through his little charade and they really have no time for time wasters like him.

Do you have a contact number for your HV? You should pick up the phone and call him/her. You need support, and you also need to tell them exactly what you've told us. Speak to Women's Aid too, for advice and support.

You are entitled to your share of the marital home, your share of the family money (aka his wages), and he is legally obliged to pay you maintenance if you split.

Be honest with yourself. You say you were close before your baby was born. Were you really? Or was he keeping you short of money then too? Were his family toxic then? Did he support you in the way that he should? Clearly he didn't put your name on the deeds or mortgage as he should have done, so that's one clue that he wasn't as lovely as you say he was.

I doubt this situation is going to improve. It will probably get worse. You need to seek help, come to terms with the reality of him being abusive, and then get you and your baby away from him and his awful family.

He is not a good father. He is not a good husband.

You are in an abusive relationship.

You are being abused.

You are being controlled.

You have a daughter. Ask yourself what you will do when he starts abusing your daughter as well. Ask yourself if that is the life you want for your daughter, to be starving herself to feed her children whilst her husband tells her to fuck off. Then ask yourself why you wouldn't leave today.

Let him call SS, let him call the police - what will he say? "My wife has taken our daughter to her mothers?" So what? Many mothers take their children to visit grandparents. Even if he tries to make out that you are mentally unstable, dangerous, anything he can think of, the police and SS have seen it all before and won't fall for it.

It sounds like you have a job to go back to, which is a big help. You CAN do this on your own, if you want to. You would have everything to gain and nothing to lose. You will not be losing any money. You will not be losing any affection or warmth or comfort.

He has no power over you other than that which you give him.

Yes even if your mum can't help she can be nice to you - I agree, get your stuff get into a taxi and go. Tell your HV, and tell your dh when he finds you gone to go ahead and call SS and report himself - he's a horrible little man.

OP I just really feel for you right now as I know I just wouldn't cope with this! Please say you have someone in RL you can talk to or see today, even if it's just a friend who can give you a cuppa and some lunch?

The HV would not be happy with things if she knew how your husband treated you.

Tell her. Phone Women's Aid.

I know 3 weeks post-partum everything is hard, but you need to realise that this man is abusing you.

None of this is normal or "traditional".

It's horrible, demeaning treatment.

What you do is, today you go to see a solicitor in your area. You tell him what is happening.
You tell your HV what is happening
You tell your gp what is happening.
Speak to womens aid.
Also call up CMS and ask them what you'd get, you would not be skipping meals to care for your DD if he were paying child maintenance.
Speak to CAB to see what benefits you'd get.
And you are not a bad mother. You are a new mother who is being forced to go without meals and sleep, you are a really amazing mum.
Your 'D'H is abusive, financial and verbally and mentally.
Do whatever is easiest for you, but rally round friends and tell family what is happening.

^^ This x 1000.

His family sound toxic and he sounds like a heartless bastard. Speaking to you like that - how dare he? You sound like a fab mother. And the financial abuse - that's so wrong. Totally not on at all.

OP, don't stay with a man who treats you and your dd so badly. This is what your dd will think all daddies are like.

Please get away - and make him pay for his own baby.

You are being abused and controlled by the person who should love you the most.

You sound a great mum to your baby, do the right thing and get some legal advice.

It's not his house. It's yours and his. You're married.