Really struggling with DH and new DD

[clearinghouse]

I've been writing this post in my head all night and I think I just need to get it out there. I don't know what I'm looking for but hopefully not just cries of LTB because it's honestly not that simple.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 2. Not always the easiest relationship but I love him dearly. We've bickered in the past but nothing serious, no abuse, no infidelity. Generally happy.

TTC for a while and then DD came along. She's 3 weeks old now. Throughout my pregnancy he was so excited and full of promises to help, be hands on etc. That hasn't happened though. I'm exhausted as I'm doing all night feeds and he went back to work the day after she was born. He works 7 days most weeks and I rarely see him.

Wednesday night I was cracking up. So tired, haven't had more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep in 3 weeks. I have no family to help and in laws aren't helpful. They see DD as a trophy for their family and won't help me at all. They say she looks nothing like me and like she isn't mine. I sat in tears and DH agreed to watch her so I could sleep for an hour.

It helped and I made it through the night. Yesterday evening DH came home and after he'd eaten (still expects me to cook) I asked him to do the same. He refused. He said he doesn't want to get into a routine where he has to have her every night, I'm her mom, it's my job, I wanted a baby. Told me to pull myself together and deal with it.

I tried to explain why he should want to watch her. Tried to explain how tired I am. He didn't care. Just cares about having time to himself. So I took DD up to feed her and he angrily followed and took over from me. Told me I'm a bad mother and I can't get her to sleep. Told me to get out of her room. He said his family have no respect for me and they want to take DD away from me.

DD is fed, warm, safe and happy. I cuddle her all day and play with her, we walk in the fresh air and her HV is very happy with things. I don't know why he says I'm not doing well.

I get that I'm rambling here, sorry. Last night I went to lie down for an hour before he came in and told me he was going to bed. Sat up all night in tears again trying to settle DD. Told DH I'm not happy with him and he told me to fuck off. There's no affection there.

So how can I make him see that we're meant to be doing this together? I can't afford to leave and it's his house. I'm not on the mortgage or the deeds. I have debt, wouldn't get a mortgage myself. No savings and I'm skipping meals to make sure DD has everything she needs. DH is a high earner.

I'm just so lonely right now. I feel like everything is against me.

If you are paying for DD and the bills, what exactly is he spending his money on?

*reading

Jesus, he sounds awful I sincerely hope your friend convinces you to go to your mums with the baby

Op. It sounds as if having a baby has shown this clown in his true colours.
There is certainly a much better life for you out there and him being a high earner may smooth the path to Independence as he will have to pay for the up keep of his child which is frankly more than he's doing currently.
Don't waste anymore of you life with him, the life yiu have now Is far worse than you can expect if you go it alone.
Good luck.

In my situation, my relationship with my husband went to shit when DD1 came along. It was like we hated each other. I dunno why, i think i read somewhere that some men can be jealous of the attention that the baby is getting and act like asses. ( I'm sure it was put better than that) This is what happened with my relationship i think.
This may not be whats happening to you, i just thought i would share.
Focus on your little baba and don't rise to his shite. if he doesn't snap out of been a complete arse, then put his stuff in a bin bag and pop it outside.

How was your friend's visit?

Oh OP this is so sad You are being abused here - emotionally and financially. You are a great mum to your DD - his family can't take her away from you. Can you pack up your things and go stay with your mum? She wouldn't want you staying in an abusive marriage. And by the way, since you're married the house is both of yours. LTB. You deserve so much better

i'm also wondering how you are doing Op? Hope friend was kind and helpful

How are you doing, love? He sounds bloody awful. I'm sorry you are in this situaition. But it WILL get better. The sleep deprivation makes things seem very bleak, more so than ever, but you need to keep pushing on. I'm sorry I don't have practical advice for leaving like the other ladies do, but I agree with them that it can be done and should be done for you and your baby girl. xxx

I would hazard a guess that he´s been abusive for most of the 10yrs you´ve been together but you´ve never recognised it. This is obvious because you´re still not recognising blatent psychological/financial abuse now ( when it is painfully obvious to us reading! ) when it´s at it´s absolute worst, so God only knows what you´ve been suffering on a more subtle scale up until now!

This is classic abuse. He´s fucking with your mind ( easy enough to do when you´re so vulnerable with sleep deprivation into the bargain ) by saying that he loves you but shouldering none of the burden, giving you zero support and making shallow threats etc etc. And don´t even get me started on his family!

Serious question; you say you love him dearly and you believe he loves you....is it a sign of love to leave your partner who´s the sole care for your newborn baby not enough money to feed herself?? So if you eat next to nothing, what does he eat? Someone has to do the food shopping!

Why didn´t he like your friends? I´ll bet you the feeling was mutual. Have you asked your friend what she thinks of him?

No job requires people to work 7 days/wk indefinately. This is Bullshit! Even junior Drs get days off while working crazy long hrs. He´s choosing to do it, if infact he´s really working when he says he is.

Also there is no possible way he is even remotely bonding with his own child. He seems to have bugger all interest in his own baby!

And I obv agree with everyone else so no need to duplicate their great advice. It´s just so sad to see how enmeshed you are by reading your OP, stating no abuse and that you love him dearly but he clearly treats you like shit on his heel. You need real life support. Oh, and I presumed you were American cos no-one in the UK says ¨Mom¨

I´m worried cos you need rescuing as you´re not in a position to LTB yet...you don´t recognise he´s abusing you ( you just think he´s not pulling his weight ), you´re sleep deprived ( thereby extra vulnerable to manipulation/abuse/control ) and prob not in a position to read the literature which always gets recommended on here and he´s managed to achieve the predictable abuser tactic of isolating you from your friends and support network.

Do as the prev posters advise and you can start to awaken to this madness in which you live and that has become your norm. You can get a LOT of support and help just by speaking out to people. People need to know what he´s doing to you and what he´s really like. If you stay silent then you further empower him. Stop it. Lack of food AND sleep is a recipe for disaster in the very near future. Where will your daughter be if her mother is too poorly to look after her? PLease prioritise your own welfare. It´s not just you anymore is it?

So sorry you're going through this & congratulations on dd! Again recommend talking to women's aid & think of practical things to do & how you could be prepared if you decided to leave. Whatever happens, you need to find some more support from somewhere-someone to talk to, someone to help with dd & someone who genuinely cares for you nearby. Really hope you get this sorted. Did he not want a baby? Horrible to put all the responsibility on you :(

OP you are in a hugely abusive relationshit. I am so sorry for you - just reading your posts made me so sad.

Please do the right thing for yourself and your child and escape this arsehole.

He senses you know that this isn't right so he is being nice to you and telling you he loves you too draw you back in to the nice\nasty cycle.

Off topic , but loads of people in England say "mom" ! It's a Midlands thing.
I hope your friend's visit has given you strength.

I think if you're married then the house is half yours whether you are on the deeds or not, just as an aside.

What sort of a man doesn't want to provide for his only child? He's a total bastard.

Your posts are completely chilling to read, OP

He is abusive. These links might help you to see it:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

Please, please contact Women's Aid as lots of PPs have suggested.

Take your baby and go to your mom's.

Financially you will be MUCH better off without him. As you're married, his assets - including the house and money in his accounts - will be considered as joint marital assets, and you will probably be entitled to half.

But worry about all that when you've got away from him.

You poor, poor thing. I can empathise, had a somewhat similar experience. My DH took ages to adjust to having a new baby, he had no idea what a massive change a newborn, especially the first child, makes to you as a couple/family. I had to adjust instantly and he just didn't. It was awful. He couldn't understand why I was making it look so hard!

BUT! As the baby began to sleep more, thus meaning I could, I kind of just managed on my own. He missed out and I kind of resent him for not being there for me and stepping up when I needed him but there you go. We were having two completely different experiences.

It gets better, wishing you all the best, you sound like a wonderful Mummy

You sound lovely and you're doing a fab job.

Your husband is a cunt.

Please take the advice on here.

Wishing you well x

Oh you poor love, what a fucker your "D"H is being, I was thinking he just needed to adjust to being a father but the fact he didn't want you seeing friends before your pregnancy makes me think he's always been a bit of a controlling emotional abuser.

The first couple of months with a baby are purely survival (trust me, I'm living it!) and it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job, well done and congratulations on the birth of your DD

I second the PPs suggesting you speak to WA, you need more support than you're getting and if having a frank discussion with him about the state of your marriage now he is a father and you're an exhausted mother doesn't work, LTB! You're supposed to be a team. X

Oh poor you. Being a new mother and sleep deprivation are exhausting and stressful things in and of themselves. I'm sure you are doing a great job taking care of your little one.

Your husband is not a good man. This is abuse, and you need to get away from it. There is help for you out there. Please reach out to your HV, Women's Aid, and solid friends and family members (the kind of people who love you as you are), and eventually a solicitor when you feel ready.

His behaviour is not your fault, nor is it in your power to change him. He is undermining you, withholding food and money from his own wife and child.

I'm glad to hear you are married, though, as you will get greater financial protection that way (...and frankly be better off than you are now, given what a short leash he keeps you on!).

You poor love, you sound lovely, and he sounds as far from that as possible! If you were my friend and I found out you were going without meals, Id be there with lots of homemade treats just for you, and then whisk you away to your Mums or a friends to stay until you could get what you're entitled to from the heartless twat you're married to; so I'm very glad you've got a friend visiting and still in touch with, I hope their support will help you get out and away from this awful man x

This is heartbreaking. There are so many similar threads on MN where fathers behave terribly after the birth of a child, but this one is the worst I have ever seen.

He isn't the man you thought he was. He is and has been controlling you. He is abusive. His family are dreadful. I too feel that ltb gets bandied around far too much on here, but you really really need to escape from this situation.

If he suddenly starts to be nice, you know it won't last. How could you ever forgive him for treating you so appallingly at such a difficult time? When your DD is a bit older and you are able to look back at this period, you will see it so clearly for what it is. It's hard to find any perspective when you are in the thick of things. Listen to what ALL the posters are saying. It's unanimous.

Contact your HV. There is a particular lot of support available when you've just had a baby, and they particularly look out for abuse as a birth can trigger a change in behaviours in both parents.
Phone them, you should have a number somewhere, explain a little of what you have here and they will give you guidance and support.
I have a 6 week old DD and what you've written makes me feel sick. My DP is not perfect and we've had a lot of problems, but he is totally supportive. Gets back from a physical job, picks up toddler, plays with him, sorts house, takes both of them out so I can get sleep. Stays up late with me, asks me Every Single Time I'm doing a night feed if he can help/give her a bottle/do anything. That is normal.

Jesus. Op this is so not what this should look like. Normal husbands and partners are so awe of their wives when they've just given birth that they wouldn't dream of doing anything but treating them like gold. My DH is far from perfect- he can be a right pain in the arse at times- but after our DD was born he did everything round fhe house, ran around getting me drinks and meals when I was breastfeeding and was proud as punch of me and our DD. He too works in a high pressure job with a lot of deadlines and general pressure, but as a pp said if he comes home and dinner isn't done, we make it together.

You are being abused. This is not normal. Did you speak to your mum?

Oh OP you poor love. I just feel incredibly sad for you reading all of this.
This should be such a happy time (even if it is all exhausting!) but your fuckwit of a husband is messing everything up and putting you through hell instead.
What sort of husband leaves his wife the day after she's given birth with no support around her??? Let's not even get started on all the other areas of abuse!
I hope your friend came over and whisked you and baby away from this vile, poor excuse for a husband and father.
It really isn't normal