Meeting BF's parents first time but BF is nervous wreck

[ameliepoulet]

Sorry this is long. My bf wants me to make a 'good' impression on his parents. I am 25 and he is 24. I have met his parents once briefly at church and they were charming and lovely and bf talks about how great they are. They are very close. We are going to his parent's home this weekend for lunch and at first I thought it would be nice to spend time together and get to know his parents better. We have been together 8 months. He has already met my family and my family say he is great.

Bf has turned into a nervous wreck as he has already 'dumped' four girlfriends after their first time at his home because they 'failed to make a good impression'. He says he loves me and that he is nervous because he really wants me to do everything perfectly so that his parents will 'love me' as much as he does.

He has also given me a list of do's and don'ts because he knows what will 'work' on his parents. Some of these borderline on the ridiculous and some completely patronising (i.e., I do know where to put a napkin) Here they are from his email:

offer to remove shoes when you arrive
remove your shoes even if they insist it is 'up to you'
no swear words - ever, even if we get married and we've been married for 40 years - no swearing in front of them.
never ever put a glass down on the table without a coaster - it is a cardinal sin
never take any alcohol, even if offered and waved in front of you insistently - IT IS A TEST - dad doesn't even know how to use a corkscrew - they don't drink.
make sure you eat everything on your plate
make sure you eat dessert however full you are
put the napkin on your lap
it is a round table - the bread plate is to your left.
They will watch how you eat like a hawk - pray there is no soup or spaghetti
when you are done eating leave your cutlery at 5'o clock position - dad is very particular about that
help clear the table even if told not to and do it as soon as my mum stands up
insist on washing up and do it very well - mum will check everything
wear the gloves for washing up or mum will say you don't take care of your hands and give you a long lecture about the importance of ladies keeping hands smooth
do not show me any affection and don't expect me to show you any
Don't talk about the environment - dad hates the environment
Make sure you emphatically tell them you don't have a tattoo and never will - I swore an oath to them I would never marry a girl with one.
My mother is practically psychic and can detect a lie or falseness a mile away so just be your lovely self, and just forgive my silly list.

I told him he is being ridiculous and controlling and how can I be myself with so many ridiculous 'pieces of advice' or even relax. I even threatened to get a tattoo. He is already a nervous wreck and he says that he is nervous because of his last 4 girlfriends though he says he didn't love them. I wasn't nervous before. I am sure his parents are lovely but now I don't even want to go. Its like I have to pass this 'test'. What do I do? I mean, I do eventually have to meet them.

I'm spluttering here.

Freaky, manipulative boyfriend; You're a dick. We can all see what your game is. She will too before long.

OP; watch 'Sleeping with the Enemy'

That apology doesn't stack up - why would you exaggerate about dumping all your previous girlfriends unless you want to put pressure on someone? Now he's dangling mention of 'the one' at you after 8 months?

He apologised because outsiders called him on the email - would he have done so if you had spoken up without showing him the thread?

Even if he has anxiety, that doesn't mean it has to be your problem too. You haven't been together long. You can walk away if you expect your partner to respect you enough not to try to pull this kind of thing.

He's not exactly hot and sexy is he? What do you find attractive about him?

He doesn't know what love is. He's just looking for a malleable human doll-like creature that will help him feel validated by mommy & daddy. You will never know unconditional affection or love or acceptance with this lot of judgmental weirdos.

And he has serious mental health issues to boot. Why on earth saddle yourself with such hard work at age 25? I'd run for the hills.

Oh I remember my then bf (now dh) getting anxious when I first met his parents too. There wasn't a list of dos and don'ts, but I knew I was being judged. I wasn't bothered as I already knew that dh and I came from similar backgrounds and that I would be able to hold my own. His parents took me to an extremely posh restaurant, the type where a waiter hovers permanently and re-filled your glass the moment you took a sip from it. Rather than being intimidated by that, I just thought it irritating (still do). I still remember future FIL's look of horror when, despite him ordering very expensive wine, I asked the waiter for water to drink, and insisted on tap water rather than mineral water. Mind you, he still looks horrified by that every time I do it, and it is exceedingly tedious now, nearly 30 years later.

On the one hand, I think it is sweet that your bf is so anxious about this meeting. You obviously mean a lot to him if he is so concerned that his parents should like you as much as he does.

On the other hand, it sounds like he needs to grow up just a bit. Stop caring quite so much what his parents think.

Oh and I don't like the 'don't show me any affection and I won't show you any either' bit. Of all the rules, that's the one I would most want to break.

The cycle of abuse is exactly like this. Say something out of line > get caught out > apologise > bring up a while later how irrational you were for challenging it, both of you laugh > a while later say something a little more out of line... And so it keeps going, until you stop challenging it.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

The thing is, as other people have pointed out, when the initial being in love phase wears off, this is what you will be left with.

He said they were usually just happy if he had a girlfriend

I'm not at all surprised; they're probably amazed when he finds someone who'll put up with his behaviour, however briefly. I also doubt any of this thread has really "made him stop and think" - more likely (as with the disturbing lie about dumping 4 girlfriends) he's realised he'd better do a bit of back-pedalling

There's an old and very true saying on here: when someone shows you what they are, believe them

I'd still steer clear. The frantic backpeddling he did once he read the thread (and presumably read the opinions of other people that could influence OP) made him release it was time to step back up to mark and apologise - presumably because he doesn't want "people thinking badly of him".

These situations rarely end well.

Massive back pedalling.

No way would I stick around with someone who played mind games like this. It's bizarre and controlling.

So he expects a lot of himself? Strange then that the focus was on all his expectations of you, and that you're the one under pressure, not him. Why on earth did he exaggerate about the previous girlfriends? Because I can't think of a good explanation for that, and the only other possibly is that he is now lying about the exaggeration. Either way, it speaks very badly of him. Be very, very wary here.

Yeah, you want a guy who will say "stuff you mum and dad, I love this girl".
He and his parents should accept you for who you are.

Imagine you agreed to having wine...so what? A lot of people drink so what does this prove? That you are a raving alcoholic who can't hold a job down? Or that you might like a glass of wine!
When you go home do they say to him "you have to chuck her because she had a glass of wine"? Why are they even testing you? Or anyone else?

Oh god I am so angry just reading that list.

Just bin him and find someone respectful.

The thing only lightly touched on here that jumped out at me was the incongruity of the Public Face (hearsay from others) and the Private Reality that was exposed by the list. This should be a huge RED flag for you, Amelie. Public opinion is could be meaningless lipservice and probably said for hidden agendas you'll never know about. Very, very superficial. Cynical? Perhaps, but good grief! It would be naive of you to put so much belief in these passing comments from people who do not/have not/will not have to live with them/have them in their private lives.

The list was an unguarded moment of honesty. He has let his hand slip way too soon...poor sod. It is nice that he is just being himself though and not keeping a fake facade up for a few years before revealing the real him. But take note: he is not letting you just be yourself at the same time, is he? That entitlement is just reserved for him.

I second "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Even if not in regards to your bf, Amelie , it is a great book that explains the dynamics of emotional abuse (not just male to female, some things fit my sister's controlling ways.)

Also, just because your bf is "wired that way", or had a difficult childhood, or (enter excuses here), it does not follow that you have to put up with it. Tell him to tell it to the next one.

If you go to the lunch, you will be guaranteed of one thing: a really great Mumsnet post journal entry!

Another incongruity-if they don't drink, they wouldn't have alcohol in the house at all, would they? A point of hospitality is nice of them. But if they serve it so they can then sit in judgement (the test)...well, that is just very very duplicitous and nasty. Smiling snakes.

Bin him. If you don't you will live to regret it.

He has just told you who he really is.

Ok, in Bizarro World (seeing as this is where we are), I would GO to the lunch, proceed to rack up a line of coke on your coaster, and say
"How do you like them apples".

Then leave. Exit Bizarro World stage left.

Crikey, it's not looking good is it? If you really like him I would go out with him for a while, but this sort of stuff would definitely place him in the 'not a keeper' category.

Am I the only one thinking of Phoebe asking Mike's parents "Where does everyone Summer?"

Go. Accept the offer of a drink. Get shitfaced. Report back.

So now he's sent you all giddy with mention of you being 'the one' and so you aren't analysing how weird and freaky his behaviour is.

Being controlling like this is not 'loving, sweet' or any of the other words you are currently rolling around in your head to describe him.

Wake up girl, this guy is bad news.

And the apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it? What's this with offering visitors alcohol just so they can judge them, I don't imagine he made all this up out of whole cloth

I think you should go, behave perfectly, then half way through lunch casually remove your cardigan to reveal a huge fake tattoo on your arm.

Anybody else find it really fucking annoying when op's immediately go running to the person they are complaining about and show them what everyone has posted in good faith in an attempt to give support ?

Yes AF. Is one of the reasons I don't post much these days.

Just as annoying as posters who suggest a controlled woman shows her partner the thread or advertises a certain topic .