Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting BF's parents first time but BF is nervous wreck

168 replies

ameliepoulet · 23/02/2016 16:13

Sorry this is long. My bf wants me to make a 'good' impression on his parents. I am 25 and he is 24. I have met his parents once briefly at church and they were charming and lovely and bf talks about how great they are. They are very close. We are going to his parent's home this weekend for lunch and at first I thought it would be nice to spend time together and get to know his parents better. We have been together 8 months. He has already met my family and my family say he is great.

Bf has turned into a nervous wreck as he has already 'dumped' four girlfriends after their first time at his home because they 'failed to make a good impression'. He says he loves me and that he is nervous because he really wants me to do everything perfectly so that his parents will 'love me' as much as he does.

He has also given me a list of do's and don'ts because he knows what will 'work' on his parents. Some of these borderline on the ridiculous and some completely patronising (i.e., I do know where to put a napkin) Here they are from his email:

offer to remove shoes when you arrive
remove your shoes even if they insist it is 'up to you'
no swear words - ever, even if we get married and we've been married for 40 years - no swearing in front of them.
never ever put a glass down on the table without a coaster - it is a cardinal sin
never take any alcohol, even if offered and waved in front of you insistently - IT IS A TEST - dad doesn't even know how to use a corkscrew - they don't drink.
make sure you eat everything on your plate
make sure you eat dessert however full you are
put the napkin on your lap
it is a round table - the bread plate is to your left.
They will watch how you eat like a hawk - pray there is no soup or spaghetti
when you are done eating leave your cutlery at 5'o clock position - dad is very particular about that
help clear the table even if told not to and do it as soon as my mum stands up
insist on washing up and do it very well - mum will check everything
wear the gloves for washing up or mum will say you don't take care of your hands and give you a long lecture about the importance of ladies keeping hands smooth
do not show me any affection and don't expect me to show you any
Don't talk about the environment - dad hates the environment
Make sure you emphatically tell them you don't have a tattoo and never will - I swore an oath to them I would never marry a girl with one.
My mother is practically psychic and can detect a lie or falseness a mile away so just be your lovely self, and just forgive my silly list.

I told him he is being ridiculous and controlling and how can I be myself with so many ridiculous 'pieces of advice' or even relax. I even threatened to get a tattoo. He is already a nervous wreck and he says that he is nervous because of his last 4 girlfriends though he says he didn't love them. I wasn't nervous before. I am sure his parents are lovely but now I don't even want to go. Its like I have to pass this 'test'. What do I do? I mean, I do eventually have to meet them.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 23/02/2016 19:37

First time I met DH parents I met his whole family an hour later. DH didn't give me any tips. I'm pretty sure his mother just tolerates me for the sake of the kids..

Floggingmolly · 23/02/2016 19:38

Oh, get out now ffs! How could you even contemplate going through with that farce? He's dumped four girlfriends because Mama didn't approve???

honeyroar · 23/02/2016 19:39

Take the list with you and put it on the table at dinner, and keep muttering "now, what does he want me to do here...?"

Maryz · 23/02/2016 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 23/02/2016 19:41

I know we're not allowed to troll hunt, but I read that thinking "this can't be real!"

But, I suppose it is Confused

Honestly, I'd cut and run from this man, and not because of his parents, because of him.

If he was a bag of nerves and said 4 girls had left him because of feeling tested, I might stay with him.

If he said his parents had disliked the previous 4, I'd think "fuck his parents, I am who I am".

But he says he CHOSE to dump them. FOUR OF THEM. Really?
Little babykins immediately dumped four women because mummy and daddy said so? Where is his fucking spine?

I could forgive and support someone with anxiety. No way would I stay with someone utterly spineless though. You want that life?Confused

kittybiscuits · 23/02/2016 19:46

Don't go near this with a ten foot barge pole. He's telling you you're not good enough. You deserve much better.

PerceptionIsReality · 23/02/2016 19:46

How dare anyone TEST you by waving alcohol in front of you. You are a grown woman and can have a bloody drink if you want one - it does NOT mean you fail some test! I'd take a bottle of wine as a gift and exclaim, "great more for me" if they say they don't drink.

Only thing that made my first in-laws bearable (in small doses) was the fact they liked a drink.

I would also not have anyone dictate to me how much or how little I eat. That's not appropriate for children and certainly not for me!

Robotgirl · 23/02/2016 19:46

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?????

TheRadiantAerynSun · 23/02/2016 19:47

I would tell him clearly that I had no intention of following his list and he was never to presume to tell me what to do again. If that wasn't accepted I'd dump him.

Don't pander to this nonsense. Not even a little bit.

If his parents like you, great. If not, fuck em.

Robotgirl · 23/02/2016 19:49

Don't pander to this nonsense. Not even a little bit.

If his parents like you, great. If not, fuck em.

THIS ^

achillesratty · 23/02/2016 19:54

Whether the list is from his parents or a reflection of his anxiety, run !

If it's from his parents you will spend all your time with them on edge, trying to remember and not break "the rules". If the list is from your BF he has serious issues, how do you think he would deal with young children who don't know the rules or can't follow them ?

LineyReborn · 23/02/2016 19:55

They all sound ghastly.

Cabrinha · 23/02/2016 19:58

On the offchance that his parents are fucking nightmares (and the anxiety has come from somewhere. Doesn't have to be the parents, but it's got to be a possibility) I would a bit careful. You are already gushing "oh they were lovely" (on the phone, after church, his best friend says so...)

It is very isolating if you have toxic parents and everyone else gets shown the Oh So Lovely side of them. So... just don't gush too much just yet.

He may be a perfectionist because he's had 24 years of not being good enough for them. You know if they fail these girlfriends, what they may actually be doing is saying "oh look, you've failed at finding a girl AGAIN. You're a loser".

He may say they're great - but he may not realise yet that they are not.

fudgepillow · 23/02/2016 20:03

Blimey, my dh's parents are titled and super posh/academic mix and when we where going out and it was first time 'meeting the parents he didn't say anything like this to me! ( there was an awkward moment when I looked under the long dining table as my foot had touched something and a cat was munching on a dead mouse hehehe)

We have been married now got 16 yrs and if his parents had been like the ones your describing it wouldn't have lasted this long, also I had just turned 24 when we got married so age shouldn't be relevant (dh 3 yrs older) best of luck!

ricketytickety · 23/02/2016 20:03

What? So he's said: you have to pass this test or I'll have to dump you like the last 4 before you and I really don't want to do that, but will if you disappointment me. I'd say you have 3 options:

  1. Be his doormat and do what he says. But something you do will be wrong and he'll give you hell for it.
  2. Tell him you don't date controlling abusers and find a decent man
  3. Have a bit of fun. Go round his parents and wind him right up. But risk his wrath - he is going to get nasty. And he won't dump you. He'll just use it as an excuse to be a nasty abusive control freak and tell you what a slattern you are. Much as he will if you do number 1. Makes no difference - he's going to be abusive no matter what you do.

I suggest you go for number 2. And raise your standards. You are human and you should expect respect, not degrading crap like this.

ricketytickety · 23/02/2016 20:05

Don't be fooled. These aren't his parents expectations. These are his.

LineyReborn · 23/02/2016 20:13

And there is nothing remotely 'posh' about your boyfriend's appalling manners. Nor indeed 5 o'clock cutlery positioning if it is indeed true that his father requires it.

It all very ... hmm, false?

MatildaTheCat · 23/02/2016 20:20

Who was it that dumped who? I very much doubt that your DP was the dumper. He's got serious ishoos. Proceed with great caution. Confused

Haffdonga · 23/02/2016 20:21

I was always taught to leave cutlery when a meal is finished at 6 pm fork on the left.

LidikaLikes · 23/02/2016 20:28

OP, if your boyfriend has the initials A.C. please msg me, as he sounds JUST LIKE my 25 year old bro-in-law. The rules sound so much like my in-laws that I'm going to show the OP to my DH later.

DH left home at 18 for uni, realized his parents were barking and never gave me 'rules', though I know they had 'rules' and I pissed over all of them.

Your in-laws are entitled to have whatever desires they like, but not entitled to make their 25 yr old son and an independent 24 year old visitor feel like that level of anxiety. Where are their manners?!?

Spandexpants007 · 23/02/2016 20:31

Your boyfriend hasn't actually considered that they mightn't meet your high standards!! It's all about his parents expectations.

Go. Be yourself.

I would be very tempted to mention to them that your bf has been too anxious about you all meeting.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2016 20:31

Me too. I thought it was prongs down at 25 and 35 minutes if you haven't finished and prongs up at half past if you have finished.

ChickyChickyParmParm · 23/02/2016 20:33

Run. Run!

It's not just this list. It's what it represents for your future relationship. Think of all the dos and don'ts ahead of you, instead of being with someone who respects you enough to you know, just assume you're going to act like a normal human being.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/02/2016 20:37

If this is real, then you have two choices.

Either you tell him to get fucked, and count it as a lucky escape.

Or you go to lunch, and be your normal self.

You are a grown woman, you owe yourself to no one. You do not have to obey a list of rules sent by someone who sounds genuinely mentally unstable.

And if you decide to go, please get at least a dozen temporary tattoos for the weekend.

Seriously though - this man does not have a heart of gold. This is either a genuine sign of mental illness, or a commonly used technique by abusers; "you have to do this at my parents... maybe you should do it at home so you are more sure of your attitude... I'm doing this because I love you..."

jelliebelly · 23/02/2016 20:38

I'd run a mile if presented with such a list. Either bf is setting you up to fail the "test" or his lovely parents were so controlling with him that he is scared of them, neither good for a long term relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread