Meeting BF's parents first time but BF is nervous wreck

[ameliepoulet]

Sorry this is long. My bf wants me to make a 'good' impression on his parents. I am 25 and he is 24. I have met his parents once briefly at church and they were charming and lovely and bf talks about how great they are. They are very close. We are going to his parent's home this weekend for lunch and at first I thought it would be nice to spend time together and get to know his parents better. We have been together 8 months. He has already met my family and my family say he is great.

Bf has turned into a nervous wreck as he has already 'dumped' four girlfriends after their first time at his home because they 'failed to make a good impression'. He says he loves me and that he is nervous because he really wants me to do everything perfectly so that his parents will 'love me' as much as he does.

He has also given me a list of do's and don'ts because he knows what will 'work' on his parents. Some of these borderline on the ridiculous and some completely patronising (i.e., I do know where to put a napkin) Here they are from his email:

offer to remove shoes when you arrive
remove your shoes even if they insist it is 'up to you'
no swear words - ever, even if we get married and we've been married for 40 years - no swearing in front of them.
never ever put a glass down on the table without a coaster - it is a cardinal sin
never take any alcohol, even if offered and waved in front of you insistently - IT IS A TEST - dad doesn't even know how to use a corkscrew - they don't drink.
make sure you eat everything on your plate
make sure you eat dessert however full you are
put the napkin on your lap
it is a round table - the bread plate is to your left.
They will watch how you eat like a hawk - pray there is no soup or spaghetti
when you are done eating leave your cutlery at 5'o clock position - dad is very particular about that
help clear the table even if told not to and do it as soon as my mum stands up
insist on washing up and do it very well - mum will check everything
wear the gloves for washing up or mum will say you don't take care of your hands and give you a long lecture about the importance of ladies keeping hands smooth
do not show me any affection and don't expect me to show you any
Don't talk about the environment - dad hates the environment
Make sure you emphatically tell them you don't have a tattoo and never will - I swore an oath to them I would never marry a girl with one.
My mother is practically psychic and can detect a lie or falseness a mile away so just be your lovely self, and just forgive my silly list.

I told him he is being ridiculous and controlling and how can I be myself with so many ridiculous 'pieces of advice' or even relax. I even threatened to get a tattoo. He is already a nervous wreck and he says that he is nervous because of his last 4 girlfriends though he says he didn't love them. I wasn't nervous before. I am sure his parents are lovely but now I don't even want to go. Its like I have to pass this 'test'. What do I do? I mean, I do eventually have to meet them.

If this is real then run, run, run for the hills!

Jesus OP.

It's a bit nuts but quite funny when meeting your bf family after 8 months. It's flat out mean and sad when dealing with this when you have to deal with this and children.

Can you imagine your bf drilling your kids with the perfect manners when you visit in laws?

Or demanding your dc are brought up in the same way?

This way madness lies. Better to get out now before you're too tightly bound together.

The friend said the parents are laid back but produced an anxious son. I'm not sure that's true.

Also email your partner back and ask him if he plans to end the relationship if his parents don't approve of you at the meal? Explain that he is an adult and his parents should be respecting his choice of partner regardless of their personal feelings. Also state that testing you is a ridiculous idea and you will be very disappointed in them if this really is the case. You were hoping as a potential future daughter in law to be treated with acceptance and an open heart.

Ah. People who are overly enmeshed with their family's opinion of them.

It's sad enough that they let this fear rule their own lives. But it's downright tragic when they demand that their partners comply with this fear too.

Gently dump him, OP. He is sadly not a man who is able to stand up for himself, or you.

His perfectionistic traits stem from his anxiety to please his parents. You are therefore expected to comply without demur. He will never be able to assert himself in his own right because his parents have and will never allow him to do so.

You likely come from a nice emotionally healthy family and so are completely unaware how families like your boyfriend's operate. Your man is unhealthily enmeshed with his parents, no member of a "normal" family would send such a list or set out to test you. Why has he felt it necessary to give you such a list at all?. Those other four girlfriends before you left him for good reason; he is totally enmeshed with his parents and is still actively seeking their approval even to the extent of giving you demands as to how to behave in their presence.

I would not actually wander into this lion's den; you really do not know what you are really up against here!. You ultimately need to date someone else because his parents will always come first and foremost in his life.

Either your FB is imagining all this because of his anxiety. Or, his parents are over-bearing and dull. Either option is not great, and will have a negative impact upon your life if you stay in this relationship. I'd run a mile.

Please say yes to a glass of wine when offered. I'm quite tickled by the idea of the dad not knowing how to use a corkscrew (plus your bf will probably wet himself!)

On a serious note, this is not normal behaviour and I would be insulted if someone gave me such a list. Good luck.

If you're good enough for your BF as you are, or you are not!

Question is, is it the BF,of the parents, or both who would be the judge of that? Either way, the BF is trying to morph you into something you are not. I'd nip this in the bud NOW!

Remember this is the start, it's not a one off

I sent a link to this post to my bf this morning. I asked him if he thought I should follow the advice.

Within 30 minutes of me sending him the link, he was round this morning with flowers and an apology. He said he had a crazy moment of panic and that he doesn't want me to be be anything other than myself and that he was a complete knob and stupid a**hole. He said when he reread the stuff he wrote - he said half of it was just exaggerated and that his parents just appreciate good manners and that's all.

He said he was in panic because he loves me so much and wants so much for his parents to love me as much as he does and not think of me as just 'one of his girlfriends' but as 'the one'.

He had a good laugh with some of the answers that indicated his parents mentally abused him or they are freaks. I quizzed him this morning on this. He has struggled always being a perfectionist, but he says his parents are the complete opposite and have always told him to just try his best but he always expects so much of himself. He said he was just born that way. I kind of already knew this though.

He said he could tell his parents didn't like one of his girlfriends but they never said really said it. He said they were usually just happy if he had a girlfriend and were always curious to meet them. He assured me that he was just exaggerating when he said he dumped them after meeting his parents.

There was a lot of other stuff he said, but I can't remember it all.

I may post on Sunday evening after the lunch to tell you how it went!

Just be yourself!

BTW, I forgot to thank you for all your comments, because it really made him stop and think.

"half of it was just exaggerated"; "He assured me that he was just exaggerating when he said he dumped them after meeting his parents." So he lied to you and now he's backpedalling?

' do not show me any affection and don't expect me to show you any '

This alone ought to be enough to have you backing away in terror.

Run, OP. Run far and run fast!

Well done to those who correctly sum used it was him, not his parents.

OTOH you're in trouble amelie unless he understands and accepts his need for perfectionism is way OTT and manipulation to attain it from others is wrong on so many levels.

Beware!

I smell a rat. The not showing or expecting any affection is more than him desperate for them to love you like he does. NEWSFLASH his parents are never going to lose you like he does and not should they.

Hmmm.

Be very careful amelie, even if he's back pedalling now that was in no way a 'normal' way to approach a gf meeting your parents for the first time.

It was really very controlling.

I understand 'perfectionist' (my DM is one) but that list was:

A) weird
B) rude to you
C) disrespectful to his parents.

Of course it may be just that he is deeply immature.

I think he needs to get some help for anxiousness too. Maybe a mindfulness course or something?

This isn't a one-off. My 'overly anxious perfectionist' BF is now a man who can be a controlling & uncompromising husband & father. It's very difficult to live with when he's at his worst, although he of course also has a lovely and loving side, but one of our children is just like him & has teen mental health issues already. These things don't just get laughed off as a bit of an over-reaction, they keep coming up over & over again.

I know you're in love with him, but please think long & hard about whether to hitch your wagon to his unless he seeks some help for his anxiety.

He sounds very weird and controlling to me. Some sort of odd compulsion to present you as perfect wife material. As your relationship develops and the gloss wears off this underlying attitude and behaviour is what you'll be left with. I would either nip it in the bud immediately or seriously consider ditching him.

It's just a lunch with people. Odd odd odd

So he lied about his parents to set you a test... and that is BETTER than him just being a spineless loser with controlling parents?

If his parents don't care about those things, the HE wants you to present yourself in certain ways, HE doesn't want you to drink, HE doesn't want you to get a tattoo.

AND he wanted to manipulate you into doing those things.

Ugh.

Nice he's had a good laugh at people wasting their time trying to help you by pointing out what potential dynamics could be at play here.

What kind of idiot "jokes" about dumping 4 women after the parents don't like them?

And now you'll fall for his flowers and his "oh you're the one" and out up with more controlling shit from this creep.

And yes - hope you're still reading this, weirdo boyfriend.

Backtrack as much as you like - no decent person tells their girlfriend how to place her fork after dinner because he wants her parents to love him like he does.

OP, you've got serious issues to deal with here. Good luck if you're the type that can be bought off with a bunch of flowers

You mean you're not dumping his weird manipulative arse?

Love should not be such hard work honestly. These 4 ladies who dumped him before you did so for good reason.

What do you get out of this relationship with this person?. Think about that carefully.

You do realise here that he wants to hang onto all the power and control, this was his way of testing you to see how much you will accept from him. He is a highly skilled manipulator and with you the boiling frog analogy comes to mind.

I would still dump this man and you need to also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

I mean; COASTERS??