Seriously thinking about NC with DH's side of the family

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

This is going to be long but think I need to post the background

I've posted previously about SIL's wedding. I have 3 DCs - age 3, 2 and 13 weeks. The oldest have just turned 3 and 2 respectively so still small.

SIL is getting married about 150 miles away on a week day. We have been told no DCs at the wedding. Mil has a difficult family background and her half-brothers children will be going however - albeit they are older than ours. I susir t ultimately that SIL will also permit her friends to bring small babies. I understand that it is SIL's wedding but I find it pretty hurtful that our children (who are actually her closest relatives) are to be excluded.

My parents are extremely supportive of us and will normally drop anything to help us out. Mil has form for being very difficult and has been very unhelpful at difficult times - eg looked after putt DS on the day of my grandmother's funeral (250 miles away) but refused to rearrange plans so I had to get out cleaner to come and look after DS (then 1 year old) as she had to leave at 5pm. The whole thing was horribly stressful and I still find it very upsetting to think about.

My parents normally drop everything to help us but normally go on holiday with friends around the date of SIL's wedding. They therefore told me immediately that they may be able to look after our DCs but that - in this instance - they actually won't cancel their holiday if the group of friends can only manage that date (they are all retired so tend to go quite last minute to get the best deal) and we should therefore get a plan B. I immediately highlighted this to DH and his response was - (massively fucking entitled) oh it's my sister's wedding. Surely they won't go away. I said they very well could and he should highlight this to his family now as we may not have any childcare and ultimately I wouldn't be able to go. Plus, I could very well still be feeding youngest DC. Really the only option would be to take someone to look after the DCs on site and I didn't even know if that would be feasible. But I was highlighting it now so that there were no amateur dramatics near the wedding if I couldn't go

Communication within DH's family is pretty piss poor so nothing was done.

At the weekend, SIL, MIL and FIL came ti visit and stay the night. SIL said something in passing about my parents looking after the DC and I said that actually they maybe away and there wasn't really a plan B. I said that I could perhaps ask my DS's key worker from nursery to travel to the wedding and look after the DCs but we would need to get him accommodation. And, in any event, I was uncomfortable about being away from my youngest DC even if I could get someone look after all DC at our house.

SIL told me that there were no rooms left at the hotel but if I got the key worker, he could perhaps stay at a local B&B. That she was having to lay £150 a head per guest and she wanted me to be able to relax and enjoy myself and also keep costs down - hence why our DCs weren't invited. I said that the best solution maybe to ask the key worker. And, if I did, would SIL like the DCs to be brought to the church (waiting outside during the ceremony) for a few photos as they would be in the area. Totally up to her obviously but thought she might like it. She said yes, but she was banning children from the church. I said I quite understood as FIL's brother's children had made a terrible racket during ours in the church (MIL insisted they were invited) and you could even hear the noise on the wedding video. MIL said she couldn't remember that but I said (nicely) that it was on the video. I also said that if my parents were looking after the DCs, they had also offered to bring them to the church (to wait outside) and take them home (a big thing as a huge drive) after if she wanted photos.

So - it was all perfectly pleasant and I thought the childcare issue was clear. More importantly, there was actually communication like normal people. DH then went to work in the morning and the DCs and I went out with SIL and the PILs for brunch - all perfectly pleasant. Nothing else said. I was slightly nervous about going out as the PILs had been invited to visit DC3 a few days after she was born and had been very late (with no communication). I was upstairs feeding the baby and DH had said something to MIL about it. She had started shouting and bawling at DH saying it was my fault and I was manipulating them and being very rude about me. I decided the best thing to do was pretend I hadn't heard and gloss over things. But, again, everything perfectly pleasant at brunch

DH then arrives home and asks me what I had been saying to his sister? I explained the position about childcare and said that I had highlighted this to him already but his approach seemed to have been that my parents would have to just cancel their holiday. That wasn't very constructive so I had highlighted things to SIL so she could make ab informed choice about allowing the DCs to attend in the vicinity and be looked after off site (pretty pissing annoying that DH could have mentioned it earlier so we could have got a room for them and carers at the hotel but now we couldn't) as ultimately if we couldn't get appropriate childcare, I wouldn't be able to go and with a wedding of 60 people, that would be noticeable.

DH then says that obviously I had a chip on my shoulder about FIL's neice making a racket during our wedding and that my parents were manipulating things by refusing to cancel their holiday (the irony after my grandmother's funeral and various other times that they have dropped everything and driven 300 miles to help us out after the PILs have let us down!). I susir t he had spoken to MIL on the way home.

I am absolutely fed up with this. I am fed up of rather than everyone talking civilly about things (as I tried to do) and resolve problems in good time, MIL then approaches DH behind my back. If she or SIL had a problem, why not discuss it with me at the time or the next day? I am fed up (and I think this is the crux of it) if DH not simply explaining that all I am trying to do is sort out childcare for the DCs (as basically he seems to have opted out of it and my parents - his indentured servants obviously - are to drop everything AGAIN to help out). Why is DH not able to actually support me (his wife) and make it clear - politely - to his family that if you have your wedding hundreds of miles away and don't invite your very young nieces and nephews, then yes, childcare will be an issue and that is not bring "difficult". It's a matter of fact. And, actually, if your "keeping costs down" banning your brothers children whilst letting others attend is actually pretty fucking hurtful

I actually don't know what to do. I've said tinDH that I think that actually everyone should just be honest and communicate clearly with each other now. So if he thinks my patents are "selfish"
and "manipulative" (the breath taking cheek!) he should say to their faces. Further, I will contact SIL and MIL and ask them if they need me to clarify anything about what we discussed. Further, another option is for me to not attend and look after the DCs which I think maybe the best option all round

I'm actually so so sick of this. I don't want to see the PILs again and I don't particularly want to see SIL again.

Should I contact them? Should I just decline the wedding invitation? I want to make it clear why

I also need to sort out the DH issue too

I have to say I would leave it. You've had your say, you have made it clear what the situation is - it's up to him now.

At most I would ask if he has read the email but I wouldn't press for a discussion about it - fair enough if he instigates one but the ball is now firmly in his court. Let the natural consequences follow!

But Gobbolino has requested that he apologise to her parents. As a point of respect I think he should do that.

The fact he insults your parents for not altering their holiday to capitulate to his bitch mum and sister says it all.

My ex h had folks like this. We divorced before any kids came along. Lucky escape.

Do you think talking will do any good? Do you think it will change his mind or his future actions? If yes, talk. If no, save your breath to cool your porridge. And start thinking about whether or not this is what you want for the rest of your life.

Same for the apology. If he isn't going to apologize to your parents with any true remorse, then why even bother? Part of apologizing is saying and meaning 'and it won't happen again', but if he's just giving lip service then it will happen again and will actually be worse when it does because your parents will be expecting that by apologizing he understands that he's in the wrong.

DH is being very nice and solicitous (no, I don't wAnt another cup of tea, thank you DH)

He said he knows,I've sent him.an email but hasn't read it yet. He intends to do.so tomorrow and respond. I've said that's fine as I think.we're both emotionally exhausted. We don't tend to argue much and find this kind of thing pretty upsetting

What I'm hoping is that he sees that the reason we feel like this is because of MIL and SIL

I take the point that perhaps I shouldn't have emailed. But I wanted a very clear record between us of what happened and what my views and expectations are.

hugs &

What I'm hoping is that he sees that the reason we feel like this is because of MIL and SIL

FOG has been mentioned upthread. He is deeply mired in this. He is unable to blame MIL and SIL because he was trained not to. I think you need not to get your hopes up for a breakthrough here. I think he will say his sister's wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event (in theory) and your parents should have been prepared to cancel their (annual) holiday for it.

You know, a counselor recently recommended to someone I know that they (he and spouse) actually email each other rather than try to talk at this stage since they seem unable to speak without things degenerating into a fight. She told them that with email you usually end up putting your thoughts into some type of 'order' and in a less emotional or volatile form. And the responder can read the email in private and respond when they've had a chance to think about it or when they've calmed down.

So don't think that your email may have been a bad idea. It may have been exactly the right thing to do.

hink he will say his sister's wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event (in theory) and your parents should have been prepared to cancel their (annual) holiday for it.

My granny's funeral was definitely a once in a lifetime event and MIL made it as difficult and stressful an experience as possible. What good to give is good to take.

Further, I accept that this is an important event for SIL. However, she could have helped facilitate the care of our DCs by offering us a room at the venue for them and a carer to stay in. If she had, then the likelihood is that my parents would have cancelled their holiday. However, they have decided to let SIL (and DH) bear the consequences of their rude, entitled behaviour.

,trib - my last post reads like I think you agree with the statement in italics. I know you don't. But I agree with your analysis.

My point will be to him that at the end of the day childcare is a privilege, not a right. And by treating my parents like something from Downton Abbey and by the PILs not extending to me even a fraction of the goodwill that DH has benefited from, this is the result.

No one should ever have to cancel a holiday just so they can babysit, that's fucking ridiculous and I can't believe you and your parents have even been entertaining the idea.

You would pay a babysitter, surely.

Not that it's relevant since there's nowhere for any of you to stay at the wedding!

And actually, if the D.C. had actually been invited (like the uncle's children),there would be no need for anyone to cancel their holiday

There is still no need for anyone to cancel their holiday.
If your parents do cancel they're not doing it because of in laws they are doing it because they love you.
They should not have to so you need to own this part of the drama and tell them to go.

I have absolutely told them to go rookie.

If it's not the holiday, it's likely that the party will be then.

It's going to be such a damn relief once this fucking thing is over.

Happily there are no further plans to see the PILs in the pipeline at the moment

When is it, Gobbolino?

I just don't understand how they can gloss over things; that, at the time, they can be annoyed and angry and pissed off, yet they don't remember it. But then I suppose that's all part of the FOG - minimising and excusing the inexcusable.

Have you thought about seeking counselling yourself? It is so much to deal with, even though you've got amazing support from your parents.

It even sounds to me like you may have been set up. Do you think that, due to your role as scapegoat by everybody they´ve literally set you up to fail? So you get invited but your kids don´t, any childcare would have to be sorted out by you so that you´re jumping through hoops just to gain approval by them, they know full well it´d be a fucking nightmare sorting childcare and if their lackies ( your parents ) don´t jump and drop their very important plans when they click their fingers this goes against you further.....all so that they can paint you in a bad light and point the finger saying ¨look she made no effort to come to our Golden Child´s wedding!¨

Sounds fucking ludicrous in black and white like that, like who the heck would even ever expect you to attend a wedding if your 3 small, dependant kids aren´t invited? And like you say, she could´ve sorted childcare for you if she really wanted you to be there!

But to me they´ve just set you up to fail right from the outset. Nobody should have to go through such an elaborate, convoluted and stressful process just to attend a frigging wedding of someone that I´m presuming you don´t even care for very much?!

I would´ve just said no at the outset, what´s so hard about that?? NOBODY in their right mind would ever even consider asking their parents to cancel their hols just to come and fucking babysit in order to keep some matriarch bitch happy! She isn´t the bloody queen and everyone else is her minions That´s just bonkers.

Get away from their clutches and out of their control or you´re nothing more than a hapless puppet. No way would I be exposing my young kids to anyone who is this fucked up and twisted!

My Dad (who is not a paranoid person) actually thinks the same as you moomin

I've pretty much decided I won't go - bit worried that DH will try and do the key worker thing. No need to get into that now though. I intend to keep SIL dangling for as long as possible though ("still trying to get childcare. Would hate to miss it!").

I'm sure there will be a blow up but that's fine, I won't engage (stock phrases such "sorry you feel that way".) I think they actually would love their to be a huge argument so I'm not giving them the satisfaction. I'm also not going to be emotionally bullied by threats etc - just keep repeating to anyone that I don't have suitable childcare.

If they push it too far, they won't be coming to the house again. If MIL and FIL want to see the children, they have more to lose than me

four - it's in September.

I'm concerned that your DH knows you're upset, but can't be bothered to read your email. Is he ever going to prioritise you over his family?

SIL and her DP can of course have a wedding without DC, but then can't get arsey if guests with DC cannot attend.

It would have been better to simply decline your invitation rather than try to resolve the childcare problem or fish for DC invited once it became clear your parents couldn't help on this occasion.

Childcare/accommodation for your DC is not SIL's problem, or your parents', or anyone's: it's solely yours and DH's. So if as a couple you are unable/unwilling to find/pay for childcare for 2 days and one night, and/or you will be unwilling to leave a bfed baby, the only solution is for you to decline the invitation: not a problem. I had to do this a couple of times with very close friends when DC2 was small.

Sounds like there's a backstory with the in-laws, but in this instance I do think you've all been part of the unecessary drama, including you OP!

So am I getting this right?

If your key worker can do your childcare for the night, he has to stay in a b&b down the road as your Sil to be won't allow them to stay at the hotel.

Bloody hell

Also Op if you parents holiday or party doesn't coincide with the delightful up and coming nuptuals....please book them a lovely night away at the other end of the country

Your DH has read the email I take it....or does he hope it will all go away.

Or that your parents will perform as expected of them.

Good luck

"I've pretty much decided I won't go - bit worried that DH will try and do the key worker thing. No need to get into that now though. I intend to keep SIL dangling for as long as possible though ("still trying to get childcare. Would hate to miss it!")."

Are you really trying to get childcare? If you can get it, do you REALLY want to go?
I think you should just decline and be done with it. Keeping her dangling is cruel tbh. And allows everyone to keep playing their stupid game. Are you afraid of the fallout when you finally decline?

I didn't fish for an invite. I said I had no childcare. Should I have lied? Or simply forced my parents to cancel their holiday to keep SIL happy

All they way through this thread (and in my email), I have made it very clear that I do not expect SIL to facilitate childcare. However, I do not - as a corollary - expect unreasonable demands to be out on me or my parents.

Further, you have had to decline invitations from friends. I'd be interested to know how many people have been unable to attend their sister in law's wedding because their sister in law refused to let their brother's children even be on the premises. Would you think that was a kind thing for one of your children to do? I'd be very saddened if one of my children banned my grandchildren from a venue that was such a distance from their home and the grandchildren so small that it out severe pressure on my daughter in law

The reason I have to leave SIL dangling to a certain extent is (as I think I've said) we don't know if my parents are going on holiday at the moment or not and I won't until probably August. Plus I do not know if it will even be feasible to leave the baby

DH keeps repeating (like a magic spell) "but you're my wife. You have to come." I'm happy to decline now if DH thinks that is fairer on SIL. If not, then there will be an element of dangling unfortunately.