Step right up, it's dating thread 97

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

We don't half get through these at speed!

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now)

Hi I met a guy on pof and we were messaging ang talked on the phone a couple of times, I was meant to phone one day but I forgot as and he messaged what happened to last night I was looking forward to that, I felt it was too much as I felt like he was waiting for me to call or message all the time and I think hes really nice but im not sure so I haven't messaged him, I feel so guilty I felt a bit under pressure to meet, I feel really guilty now ive upset him hes messaged me saying how upset he is and thought I was really nice, Im not sure what to do?

That's the kind of thing I would maybe give a second chance on, Allstars ? I think everyone has their hackles up with OLD (after all it's a pretty bruising experience) I guess as per the normal OLD protocol most people would not continue to message, most people would just give up and conclude they'd been ghosted. So I would consider messaging again if (and only if) the rest of the vibes were OK and not too clingy/needy............

Allstars that guy is manipulative imo. You owe him nothing. Not messages! Not ''niceness''! He is appointing himself the judge of whether or not you are nice! That's a liberty! And what is it that defines 'nice' to him? Conveniently, it is giving him attention he doesn't deserve? Now he is putting the onus on you to 'prove' you are nice!? And how do you do that? By messaging a man your gut told you to back away from. Listen to your gut.

I know waving, I'm torn today. I want to be strong, a Matthew Hussey Disciple! B and I haven't discussed his not wanting a relationship for a while now, but we have slipped in to this closeness, as friends. Well, imo we're close. I shouldn't get home from dates with other men and feel the need to ring him at 00.08 for a dissection of the evening! And he takes my call! Is that appropriate?

But the moment to say what Matthew recommends saying has passed. It's very good though! I will no doubt use it in the future. I can do a version of it on Bear and tell him that I think we're too close to accurately describe each other as friends, and the "trap" that I want to avoid is not leaving room in my life for closeness with a man who is properly available to me.

Thankyou for replying, he asked for my number but I don't know how to block his number on my phone, I don't think he would get past me not messaging him back if I messaged again, I just feel awful as I know he is uspset

Allstars I'd say you're right to ignore and say nothing back, maybe google how to block his number on your phone in case you need/ want to. It sounds like way too much drama from someone you've never met and the trying to make you feel bad is very manipulative to my mind.

314 & wavingnotdrowning it's easy to know what you should do but much more difficult when feelings are involved!

You're right. They'll be watching rugby or football with a heineken or soemthing.

The speech could work on Soho because he is not totally opposed to a relationship! He just needs space. And you're a busy woman! If you knew in advance and mutually agreed what days you'd give each other space, it suit you better too.

The MS speech wouldn't work on Bear because there is no part of him that wants a relationship now, or rather, commitment. He wants the chatting and the closeness and he'd take the sex too if it were being offered. And he'd take all of that if it were available to him and still feel HE was the one at risk of falling in to a trap!!

So if I said what I typed in my last post to him, it wouldn't be to change his mind, it would be because I really do think that closeness to one man wouldn't nurture a potential closeness to a potential available man. If such a creature existed :-p

allstars how upset can he really be?! you never met. Ignore him. He's trying to pull your strings.

Yes Bethnoir summonsing up the strength is difficult.

So now London is giving me a hard time saying he wants sexual exclusivity but not a relationship. Am I old fashioned because I think you can't have one without the other?
This is where I struggle a bit with FWB as if you're sleeping together and not seeing anyone else how are you not in a relationship?

Sexually exclusive to each other but it's not a relationship. So, you can't even go out and look for other people who are properly available? Would you want to? Like I was saying, even if that's your plan, I think being close to one man and sleeping with him can definitely make you a bit blinder to other men and other emotional intimacies. Be strong. I'm telling you to be strong and say no to it gast It's a pot noodle. Another pot noodle of a relationship.

All of this half available, two thirds available, we're sleeping together but it's not a relationship bullshit is really beginning to get on my wick.

I know gast it's like call a horse a cow.

Sorry for all the multiple posts here but I feel like some cogs are shifting in my brain this weekend.

Oh I'm definitely going to say no. He was ok but I definitely don't like him enough to give up my other irons, I just wondered if I was being unreasonable. He actually used the words 'I don't share'

Waving, You're going to see him on Tuesday aren't you. I'd show up, looking fabulous and then blast him with it, fake breezy, fake strong.

I am going to bring it up with Bear next time we chat, the traps that I have to be wary of falling in to. The cheek of him talking about the trap of falling in to a relationship!!

Definitely have your say though Waving. Tell him he's not what you're looking for. As in ''you fall short Soho''.

I really hate that H walked away from me thinking that I was gutted what with him having been so perfect. I wish I could press rewind and tell him how he fell short for me.

I dated a man like that gast last year. Funny enough I found him on pof, he has changed his profile and is now looking for an relationship. So it seems he is now ready for an relationship, I wonder if we met now would it have been different between us.

I am tempted to message him, argh even though i been seeng someone for 4 weeks and he is lovely. Why do we feel need chase these men? do we love rejection? lol

Oh, for god's sake! What is it with all these men bleating on about how they don't want a relationship?! We are all awesome, strong, amazing women and they should be falling over themselves to be in any kind of relationship with us!

I struggle too Gast, MrEloquent said (months ago, not this time round) that he wanted "one person, for fun, company and amazing sex". Which sounds a lot like a relationship to me! Except with no concept of feelings and mutual support etc. I told him then that he was just trying to duck out of responsibility for the other person's feelings and to his credit he said that was fair.

I think it's just men trying to have their cake and eat it too. So, have someone on tap for fun, company and (exclusive) sex but not have to do any of the emotional side of relationships and having the "get out of jail free" card of saying "well, this isn't a relationship, so what do you expect?" if anyone's feelings get hurt.

Allstars I agree, that guy is being manipulative. You shouldn't have to be guilt-tripped into communicating with someone out of fear of not appearing "nice". Screw that!

And " He actually used the words 'I don't share'" Fuck that shit! Fucking entitled men. I don't share. You must be available to me, but I have no responsibility to you...

I am in a proper chippy mood tonight! I've got shifting cogs too, I think 314.

Omg just told London that if I'm doing monogamy then I want a relationship but not with him and he used the term 'sloppy seconds'

In slightly happier news, I matched with a guy on Bristlr who is a stand up comedian (allegedly) He's not that great looking but he should be good with the banter if he's a comedian, right? I could do with a bit of funny banter...