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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriends touchy feely attitude scares me.

117 replies

r0gue · 14/02/2016 21:00

Hi

My boyfriend thinks it's ok to put his hand down my bra or between my legs when we're watching TV. He dry humps me from behind if I bend over to pick something up like its an invitation for him to press his bits into me! If I dare show a bit of flesh it's a huge come on to him. I get dried after my shower and put my clothes on in the kitchen to stay away from him. His stupid 1970's sexual innuendos get on my nerves too. He said to me today "I thought we'd be having sex as its Valentine's Day" I told him I'll do it when I want to not because a commercial holiday says I should. I spoke to my GP about it. She said to speak to him. It got though his gray matter for about 2 weeks and we're back to where we started again. If he sees me in a towel he sort of grabs me and pins me to the spot like an eagle that's caught a rabbit. He's not very good at sex either so it always feels like a chore. He's such a good bloke in other ways too. I was abused as a child and I wonder if that's what's causing my worry. It didn't bother me in previous relationships before. I've been seeing my current partner 18 months. Please help!! Thanks.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 14/02/2016 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raffle · 14/02/2016 23:32

But you don't like him really do you?

You don't.

I'm confused.

You only see him 2 days a week and that's too much for you. Nobody should 'train' anybody.

Original poster
r0gue · 14/02/2016 23:35

I'm taking it all in. It won't be easy. I just needed other women's opinions and to feel like I'm not on my own. Pictish I AM listening, I just need to explain what's in my head. I don't have anyone else to speak to about this. It's been bottled up for months.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 14/02/2016 23:35

OP, you don't love him and he's a dick. Loads of other men are not as much of a dick as your current boyfriend. Go out with one of them instead. You'll feel better for it.Grin

All that is wrong now will just get worse. Best stop it before it gets worse. And complicated or weird.

Cut him loose OP. He'll be a great "project" for someone looking for a project. But if you want a reciprical, loving, trusting, sexy relationship, your backing the wrong horse with this guy.

Original poster
r0gue · 14/02/2016 23:38

I know raffle. I'm just scared of being on my own. I can't just pick up the phone and dump him. I'm not like that. Your opinions have helped me see the light. I thought I was just being a prude or I was affected by the abuse but no. It's not right and it's going to stop.

OP posts:
BiscuitMillionaire · 14/02/2016 23:39

Tell him it's over.
Tell him it's over.
Tell him it's over.

You deserve better.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 23:40

How is it going to stop ?

You are going to ask him to stop ?

That's not been too successful so far.

Lightbulbon · 14/02/2016 23:40

Ltb

WilLiAmHerschel · 14/02/2016 23:46

Op break up with him now! My god he's a prick who sees you as his property. You don't even seem to like him much. Have some self respect and leave him. Give up on the doctors crap. I've had (maybe still have) depression and anxiety. I don't dry hump my dp whenever he bends down to load the dishwasher. Oh and my dp does listen by the way.

He is not going to change but tbh even if be did stop would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who sees you as a piece of meat - his piece of meat - just because he gives you a foot rub every now and again?

SNAP OUT OF THIS CRAZINESS PLEASE.

WilLiAmHerschel · 14/02/2016 23:48

Being alone is a trillion times better than being some fuckers hump rag.

Original poster
r0gue · 14/02/2016 23:55

Im going to think about everything that's been said. I agree it's all valid, I just need time to take it all in. I've never been in this situation before, going to make sure I do what's best for me. He's not considering my feelings so I'm going to do that now, look after my own and not consider his. My loneliness makes me blind I guess.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/02/2016 00:00

"I was abused as a child and I wonder if that's what's causing my worry"

What's causing the worry is that you recognise he's abusing you, just like the childhood abuser did. Because of what happened to you in the past you need to be trebly vigilant in order to avoid men like this. Your abuser-radar is wonky and it might always be.

A man who does stuff to you that you don't invite or like is breaching your boundaries. He's dangerous to you and you need to get the hell away from him.

toffeeboffin · 15/02/2016 00:36

Lord above OP get rid of this loser.

He doesn't make you feel good, does he?

Glastokitty · 15/02/2016 01:35

A sex pest that's shit at sex, and that you don't even like. What a prize of a man you've got there! Come on OP, you're worth more than this. Hell, my worst enemy is worth more than this.

MatrixReloaded · 15/02/2016 01:40

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It's not ok and its not your fault.

On a positive note , he's a relatively new boyfriend of 18 months. Your not married and presumably you have no financial commitments or children. You quite rightly recognize this isn't ok. You suggest that you are lonely. That's ok. Many of us are. I am. Fortunately there's things you can do about being lonely.

This relationship is toxic and damaging to you. What need is he currently meeting that you could meet yourself ? Abuse is not the antidote to feeling lonely. It also seems that he's shit in bed. Bin of this loser. Are you aware of just how many decent kind men there are out there who would love to meet someone like you ?

Forget any ideas about training him. That language is reserved for referring to dogs.

Monty27 · 15/02/2016 01:48

I just can't see why you are with him. He's good to you in other ways? So's a dog.

MatrixReloaded · 15/02/2016 01:51

By the way , does he watch a lot of porn ?

neonrainbow · 15/02/2016 07:32

Hey op while you're wasting your time with this loser you cant put any time into finding a normal relationship.

Original poster
r0gue · 15/02/2016 08:31

He doesn't watch any porn. Not near me anyway. I can't hurt people, I take it so they don't have to. I know his family so well and his little niece adores me. I'd be leaving everything.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2016 08:42

I thought martyrs were only something I read about in fiction or The Bible. Sad

Touchacat · 15/02/2016 08:42

Don't make yourself miserable for him or his family.
I lived with a guy who did the stuff you described. It was a horrible invasion, constantly. He would shove his hands between my legs while he was driving, knowing that if I protested he would get angry and drive like a maniac which would frighten me. It was all about control.
Honestly, when we broke up and I was finally in my own room in a house share without him, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt free and it was the best feeling ever.

Breaking up is hard but the outcome is so much better. You'll be so glad you did it.

DoreenLethal · 15/02/2016 08:48

I can't just pick up the phone and dump him.

Yes you can - you are an adult and can do anything you want.

Pick up phone, dial his number, tell him that this isn't working for you and it is over>. There - done.

You can't 'train' him. He is choosing to be a sex pest. It is entirely your decision to stay with him. His niece can still adore you if you know the family well.

Original poster
r0gue · 15/02/2016 08:59

I know AnyFucker. I've gone the "I'm too kind and become a doormat" route. I'll sort it.

OP posts:
VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 15/02/2016 09:08

This situation is sad and infuriating equally. Come on woman! You can't change or train him, he's not doing it because he's depressed or naive, he's doing it because he's a sexist prick who thinks he has sexual rights over your body. You don't love him or even like him much. Get some self respect!

ScarletForYa · 15/02/2016 09:16

I can't hurt people, I take it so they don't have to

Why?

There's nothing noble about being a martyr OP. It's just a waste of life.

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