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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriends touchy feely attitude scares me.

117 replies

r0gue · 14/02/2016 21:00

My boyfriend thinks it's ok to put his hand down my bra or between my legs when we're watching TV. He dry humps me from behind if I bend over to pick something up like its an invitation for him to press his bits into me! If I dare show a bit of flesh it's a huge come on to him. I get dried after my shower and put my clothes on in the kitchen to stay away from him. His stupid 1970's sexual innuendos get on my nerves too. He said to me today "I thought we'd be having sex as its Valentine's Day" I told him I'll do it when I want to not because a commercial holiday says I should. I spoke to my GP about it. She said to speak to him. It got though his gray matter for about 2 weeks and we're back to where we started again. If he sees me in a towel he sort of grabs me and pins me to the spot like an eagle that's caught a rabbit. He's not very good at sex either so it always feels like a chore. He's such a good bloke in other ways too. I was abused as a child and I wonder if that's what's causing my worry. It didn't bother me in previous relationships before. I've been seeing my current partner 18 months. Please help!! Thanks.

OP posts:

FluffyPersian · 14/02/2016 21:39

you shouldn't have to 'train' a man. There are plenty of nice men who respect your boundaris and don't do whatever 'they want' to your body.

You won't be able to change him... you've already tried to talk to him and 2 weeks later, he's groping you again.

How is that love or respect?

CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2016 21:41

He is no a dog that can be trained.
You cannot fix him. Find someone who doesnt act like a dick.

Inertia · 14/02/2016 21:42

Nobody should dread coming home because their partner sexually assaults them.

It isn't your responsibility to cure him. Either he starts behaving within the confines of a mutually respectful relationship - and the law- or you need to start thinking seriously about ditching him.

Marchate · 14/02/2016 21:43

Don't train him. He should have 'trained' himself long ago. Find someone better - shouldn't be too difficult!

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 21:45

I definitely don't love him, don't worry. I like most of his qualities. But I think we need to see a relationship counsellor. His dad is a bit sexist and I think it's that he's been exposed to. Honestly he's a good dude and does loads for me. He just doesn't listen. Does any man listen? Lol. I just think if it's done through relationship counselling it will hammer it in more.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 21:47

You train dogs

Not people

LineyReborn · 14/02/2016 21:48

Yes, a lot of men listen. Really, they do.

This man ... sounds like a lot of bad code in there.

pictish · 14/02/2016 21:48

My husband listens just fine. And doesn't go at me like an un-neutered dog either. Imagine that!

Pomegranatemolasses · 14/02/2016 21:49

Why bother doing couples counselling if you 'definitely don't love him'? Utter waste of everyone's time.

Definitely get rid.

Doingmyheadin2016 · 14/02/2016 21:49

You don't even have the excuse that you love him not to walk. I don't understand.

pictish · 14/02/2016 21:51

Is it a case of anyone is better than no one then? Because otherwise I can't imagine why you would continue to plug at this shudderfest of a relationship.

CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2016 21:52

It reads like you are trying to create the man you want to be with. This man isnt him. He is an adult. He doesn't have to act like a sexist pig. He doesnt have to sleeze all over you.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 14/02/2016 21:56

So....you don't love him. The sex is crap. He's always groping you when he knows you don't like it.

He's not acting like this because he's depressed. You don't need relationship therapy. You need to end this. Really, you do.

And does any man listen? Yes they do. Decent men do at any rate - especially when it comes respecting your sexual boundaries

BaronessBomburst · 14/02/2016 21:56

If you don't love him, why are you with him?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/02/2016 22:01

He does so much for me usually and we have good times. I just dread coming home.

Those two statements do NOT fit together. I agree with pictish as well.

AdoraBell · 14/02/2016 22:02

Does any man listen?

Yes, my DH does.

This man will never listen because in his head there is no need to. That will not change.

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 22:02

I guess I'm scared to be on my own again. It took me ages to meet someone. I've never had a great boyfriend. I just take what I can get I suppose.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 22:06

You can do a great deal better than this gropey inadequate twat

DickDewy · 14/02/2016 22:10

Bleurgh.

Why on earth are you with him? Why settle for second best? I would much rather be alone for all eternity.

Lilmisskittykat · 14/02/2016 22:10

I had a partner like this, just the same I wouldnt wear a dress as they saw it as an invite, I dreaded getting out the shower and drying myself as they would pounce ..as you say everything is an innuendo or comment. They were just a sex pest.. It's no way to live I don't suppose they can change its the way they are hard wired.

I'm so glad to be rid, it's heaven to have a normal relationship where my other half can say something positive about my body without it being a come on or a warning shot to a no so subtle want. I didn't realise how strange a view it had given and awkward it had made me feel until I stepped away from it.

It wasn't normal it was a lovin respectful relationship at all. I was an object and his behaviour damaged my view of sex for a very long time. From my experience I'd only advise to get out... Xx

Ughnotagain · 14/02/2016 22:11

What's his doctor gonna do though? Really?

I know a few people with depression. They don't behave like this. It isn't an excuse.

Bin him off. You deserve better than to be pawed at and treated like a piece of meat.

When I was about 19 I had a boyfriend who thought it was ok just to grab me. He once grabbed my boobs in a shoe shop when (apparently) nobody was looking. I had short sharp words and it never happened again. If you behave like a dick and get called out then you don't do it again. If you carry on doing it you clearly have no respect for your partner.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/02/2016 22:12

I just take what I can get I suppose.

Respectfully: COME ON, WOMAN! You don't love him, you dread seeing him, he's a twat. There are plenty of guys out there who WON'T treat you like this. Sort it out - you only get one life, don't waste it on this idiot.

pictish · 14/02/2016 22:12

You don't need help with training him to behave (it won't work), you need help to raise your self esteem so you understand that you can and will do better than this.
How long were you single before you met him?

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 14/02/2016 22:14

No, no, no. It is far preferable to be alone than with a sexist arse of a boyfriend. Come on, don't settle for this. You deserve much better.

Wolfiefan · 14/02/2016 22:15

End it.
Then work on your self esteem so you see you are worth more than crap sex, repeated sexual assault and lack of love.

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