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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriends touchy feely attitude scares me.

117 replies

r0gue · 14/02/2016 21:00

My boyfriend thinks it's ok to put his hand down my bra or between my legs when we're watching TV. He dry humps me from behind if I bend over to pick something up like its an invitation for him to press his bits into me! If I dare show a bit of flesh it's a huge come on to him. I get dried after my shower and put my clothes on in the kitchen to stay away from him. His stupid 1970's sexual innuendos get on my nerves too. He said to me today "I thought we'd be having sex as its Valentine's Day" I told him I'll do it when I want to not because a commercial holiday says I should. I spoke to my GP about it. She said to speak to him. It got though his gray matter for about 2 weeks and we're back to where we started again. If he sees me in a towel he sort of grabs me and pins me to the spot like an eagle that's caught a rabbit. He's not very good at sex either so it always feels like a chore. He's such a good bloke in other ways too. I was abused as a child and I wonder if that's what's causing my worry. It didn't bother me in previous relationships before. I've been seeing my current partner 18 months. Please help!! Thanks.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/02/2016 22:20

Op there's no other way to spell this out so I'll just say it

He's sexually abusing you using the guise of being in a relationship with you, he's doesn't respect you
And you don't love him. Settling because you dont think your worth any better isn't good enough, don't bother with couples counselling. Fuck him off and get some one to one counselling for yourself.

It's better to be on your own than suffer this constant assault on your body and self esteem, your boundaries are screwed as are his, but your job is not to train him he's a grown up, he gets it he just doesn't care.

Concentrate on and heal yourself, your not listening to your instincts and this is damaging you, please stop this merry go round and get some help for you.

MoominPie22 · 14/02/2016 22:24

The title of your OP says it all and there´s no need for me to read beyond that really. Why try and change someone...or ¨train¨ them as you put it??

Why not simply wait for a nice man who isn´t a project?! And that doesn´t ¨scare¨ you!!

Stop lowering your standards girl, bloody well raise them and get shot of this creepy sleaze bag! Wait for someone who doesn´t need to be taught the fundamentals on how to treat a woman!

Listen to your intuition....you´re saying you´re scared, so get the fuck outta there.

pictish · 14/02/2016 22:42

Sorry you already said...5 years. I'd rather spend 10 years alone than settle for this. Never mind dry humping...I'm dry heaving!

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:43

It doesnt sound very healthy to me. I dont mind a bit of a groap but theres a time and a place and he needs to know some boundaries.

I mean what is he like when you push him off or tell him to stop? Does he have a big sulk?

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 22:44

He opens the car door for me. He brushes my hair and massages my feet. He takes me out a lot. It's just this inner letch that's spoiling it all. I'm 44, not old but not a spring chick either. I'm going to end up old and alone.

OP posts:

BIWI · 14/02/2016 22:47

Welcome to Mumsnet, r0gue. If you're 44 then surely you know this isn't acceptable?

Bin him.

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 22:47

He says nothing, that's the irritating thing, he doesn't speak. He's had me in tears asking for an apology for something else he did.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 22:47

I would rather end up with 15 cats than with a letch like this

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 22:49

Lol. True!

OP posts:

BIWI · 14/02/2016 22:49

Agreed, AF

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:50

Could this needy touchy feely be part of his depression? If you are honestly happy with him (other than this issue) then strict boundaries need putting into place.

Is there some sort of action or code you could use maybe decide together so that hes not feeling rejected?

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 22:54

Yep. People who suffer from depression have an uncontrollable urge to honk tits. Said no psychiatrist ever....

VagueIdeas · 14/02/2016 22:55

L
T
B

You're so scared to be on your own you're happy to stay with a man who wantonly shoves his hand down your pants and dry humps you from behind?

No amount of hair brushing and door opening could ever make that OK.

AlternativeNickname · 14/02/2016 23:02

A very old friend and I have recently taken things to the next level, he likes to have his hand inside my top and stroke my skin if we're watching telly, he'll grab me unexpectedly and come on to me and would absolutely try it on if I was just out of the shower.
The difference is that I love it all just as much as he does, and he knows to back off straight away on the rare occassions I say no.

This man clearly has no respect for your boundaries and is putting his wants above yours in a way that's bordering on harrassment. It doesnt matter how nice he is in other areas of your relationship, he is crossing a line here and wont take a telling. How long before he takes that to the next step and starts forcing you to do things you are really unhappy with, as opposed to just trying it on?

If I was in your position, I'd get out, now.

mumsonthelash · 14/02/2016 23:04

Is he insane? He is seriously immature. Yuk. Hes thinks hes entitled to this and actually has the emotional unintelligence to think you like it. Revolting.

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 23:06

Laughing at AF! Yes I know it's not depression that does it. I just think he's been a spoiled little f**r all his life and used to doing what the hell he wants without consequence. He has anxiety disorder too, I have depression and his is getting me down. I finally got him to go on meds for it. Unknown this is probably adding more straw to the camels back but believe it or not I have brought him a long way since I met him.

OP posts:

Original poster

r0gue · 14/02/2016 23:09

I know Alternative, I've wondered if it's because I don't fancy him in bed that I hate it too. But I get the feeling if I was more frisky he'd probably be friskier anyway. I don't think I'd win so reigning him in is my best shot.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/02/2016 23:13

He's bloody vile and being on your own would be preferable to this. At least when you're on your own there's no-one around who is totally disrespecting your boundaries.

He knows you don't like it (who would?) and he really, really doesn't give a shiny shit. You're his to fondle and grope whenever he chooses. That's why you're there. That's your function. Being treated so dreadfully is terribly bad for your self-esteem. It's being eroded now. Don't wait until there's nothing of it left.

You can't "train" him, this is a fundamental aspect of his personality. One that is full of disrespect, entitlement and ownership.

The sex is crap and you don't even love him. Thank God. Get the fuck away from him!

pictish · 14/02/2016 23:17

No...ditching his sorry carcass would be your best shot, but whatever...it's your life. If you want to spend it with this idiot mauling you, that's up to you.

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 23:18

Well it was just a thought im no expert. As i said before it doesnt sound healthy at all and you need to decide if putting up with this is worth it for his good points.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 23:23

You talk about him like he is a yappy little terrier

You are infantilising him. He can totally control himself, he simply chooses not to

It isn't up to you to rein him in. Unless you fancy putting a choke collar on him and pulling it very fucking tight

I know we are having a little giggle here, but you need to get real and stop treating him as a joke. He is an indequate little man and anyone (not just you) could do better than that.

pictish · 14/02/2016 23:25

AF save your time. She's going to stick it out with her training programme. Leave her to it.

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/02/2016 23:28

Your minimising his behaviour and finding fault with yourself to explain away his issues.
This is why you've been in a long line of shit relationships op, if you don't have any boundaries
then he does he.

You don't stick to what you say, you say stop it he doesn't and continues, you minimise explain away and try to help him. He doesn't want help but you do, please talk to someone

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 23:29

I know, Pictish. I was feeling a bit like a fitness trainer myself for a moment there but I think I shall knock it on the head now

I know when I am beat

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 23:29

< shadow boxes >

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